Tag: Senator

Weekend Update Senator Marsha Blackburn on Judge Jacksons Confirmation Hearings

Colin Jost

Marsha Blackburn… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Several Republican senators were criticized for asking irrelevant sensational questions during the Supreme Court confirmation hearing of Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson, here to comment is one of those senators, Marsha Blackburn.

[Marsha Blackburn slides in]

Marsha Blackburn: Oh, Colin. Wow. What a week.  All anyone is talking about are these confirmation hearings. Oh we crushed it. So many great smart questions. Are babies racist? Is murder bad? And those are real questions that my fellow Republicans asked an adult judge.

Colin Jost: Right, right. And what did you ask her?

Marsha Blackburn: Oh, I hit her with the coup de grâce? You ready for this? Define woman.

Colin Jost: Define woman?

Marsha Blackburn: Define woman. She couldn’t do it. I mean, hah?

Colin Jost: Well, kind of have a nuanced complicated question.

Marsha Blackburn: Complicated how?

Colin Jost: Well okay, how do you define woman?

Marsha Blackburn: Are you jerking my perm? You honestly don’t know? Colin, It’s simple. It’s biology, Colin, okay? It’s your private parts. But the ones you have when you’re born, but just the bottom private parts because the top ones can like– Or not. You know what? Okay, I’m gonna do– It’s your period. Got to have your period. Unless you’re old or young or pregnant or stressed out or doing gymnastics. No, you know what? Scratch that. I’m going back to baby privates. Final answer.

Colin Jost: Baby privates.

Marsha Blackburn: Colin, it’s not just biology. Okay. Woman is cheerleader, nurse, teacher, prostitute. Come on, you’ve seen them. They’re always cold, they’re the ones that be shopping.

Colin Jost: I really don’t know what you’re talking about.

Marsha Blackburn: Colin, yes, you do. You know woman is like, “Ah, ah, ah”, and man is like, “Oh, oh, oh.”

Colin Jost: Oh my god. You are not making any sense.

Marsha Blackburn: You are just not getting it. Let me show you. Oh, yes. Don’t we love these big stupid dumb ass boards? [pulls in a board] These big stupid dumbass pictures. Okay, come on. Look how simple it is. The color pink. The ones would be have hair does in the far side. Longer thinner cigarettes. They’re having fun dancing around in a commercial for underwear you can pee in. Did you get it, yet?

Colin Jost: I think I get it less.

Marsha Blackburn: Okay, well.

Colin Jost: Why is defining woman even relevant to a confirmation hearing?

Marsha Blackburn: Are you kidding? It is the most important thing for a Supreme Court justice. Because if you don’t know what a woman is, how the hell you’re gonna take her rights away? Can I get an Amen?

Colin Jost: No. Marsha Blackburn everyone.

New Military Weapon

Major… Simu Liu

Senator… James Austin Johnson

Secretary… Cecily Strong

Scientist… Mikey Day

[Starts with Madam Secretary and Senator visiting the military camp]

Major: Madam Secretary, Senator, thanks for making the time for us.

Secretary: Well, when you allocate $500 million of taxpayer money to develop a new weapon system, you find the time.

Senator: Yeah, we’re eager to see what you’ve been working on.

Major: Of course. My orders in heading this project were clear. Make America the technological leader in the battlefield. But Battlefield has changed, and so must our soldiers.

Secretary: Enough with the foreplay, Major. You’re gonna whip it out or what?

Major: Bit of a crude way to put it, but yes, yes. Imagine a soldier with undying loyalty, built in night vision, supersonic hearing, and the ability to track an enemy sent with Major5,000 times the accuracy of a normal human nose.

Secretary: You’re telling me you’ve made an AI driven robotic soldier with that kind of capability?

Major: Oh, even better. We made this.

[The curtain falls. There’s a guy with dog’s head.]

Secretary: Major, what am I looking at?

Major: Project Domino, subject MajorMajor9 C, also known as dog head man.

Secretary: You put a dog’s head on a human beings body?

Scientist: A dog’s head and neck, ma’am.

Secretary: Okay, and you want to send that thing into active combat?

Major: Oh, absolutely. Dog head man is an extremely well trained battlefield asset. In fact, he can assemble a Tech9 carbine combat rifle faster than any human soldier. Observe.

Scientist: And go dog head man.

[The dog head man can’t even assemble the rifle]

Senator: I just have one question major. Does this thing go to the bathroom on a toilet? Or does it go outside and you got to clean up after it?

Secretary: That’s your one question?

Senator: I think the American people would want to know.

Scientist: And time. [the dog head man has assembled the rifle.] 11 seconds. Good girl, dog head, man.

Secretary: Did you say good girl?

Scientist: Yes, it’s a female dog’s head on a human man’s body?

Major: Shall we begin prepping for mass production?

Secretary: Absolutely not. Where did you even get the parts to make this thing?

Major: Let’s not worry about that. I should also mention that dog had man is trained in over Scientist6 forms of hand to hand combat.

Scientist: I don’t know about you, ma’am. But if I saw this coming at me on the battlefield, if I saw this thing coming at me on the battlefield, I would drop my weapon and run away.

Secretary: Yeah. Well, of course you would. Look at you. Look, I’m sorry, but I don’t think the US military can get behind this project.

Major: How can you say that ma’am? Look at him. That is the finest soldier this country has ever produced.

Secretary: Really? Really major.? You think that thing can handle a high level mission? You think that they could’ve taken Bin Laden?

Major: Oh! Not only what dog head man have taken Bin Laden out. He would have eaten him too.

Secretary: Well, that’s the war crime.

Major: Oh, ma’am, I just don’t think you’re seeing the bigger picture here.

Secretary: I am. And it’s extremely disturbing.

Senator: Yeah, I have to agree. I have to agree. I’m not gonna sign off on this until I know where that thing goes to the bathroom.

Major: Look. If I didn’t believe this would save American lives, I would not have convinced my father to donate his body and his dog to this project. I mean, look what he’s doing right now. He’s defusing a bomb for God’s sake.

Scientist: Dog head man. Dog head man. He’s investigating his own body. It happens. Dog head man.

Secretary: While he’s still eating his sandwich?

Scientist: Good. Good, dog head man. Red wire. Good. He’s cutting the detonator wire first. Good.

Secretary: He’s just licking it.

Major: Ah, whatever. You guys went into this wanting to hate it. So, nothing we could say can change your mind. Guess we’ll close the project down and let China take the lead and dog head man soldiers.

Secretary: Whoa! Whoa! China is working on one of these? Well, why didn’t you say so? Get mass production started immediately.

Major: Oh, yes, ma’am. We’re gonna need to find a lot of animal shelters that look the other way.