Tag: Set

Podcast Set

Phil… John Mulaney

[Starts with a bunch of guys at the office laughing]

Andrew: It’s not gonna be the same working here without you, Phil.

Phil: I’m gonna miss you guys.

Mikey: Truly sucks you’re getting fired just ’cause people can’t take jokes anymore.

Phil: I guess I should’ve just deleted my old podcast the moment I got the promotion.

Andrew: It’s just not fair. So now we can’t even use the N word to describe people anymore?

James: Guess not.

Kyle: Well, uh, we all chipped in and, uh, we got you something, Phil.

[Starts the commercial of small toy podcast set]

Female voice: Introducing the new FisherPrice Podcast Set for White Guys. Now you can shout every crazy thought in your head without ruining your life. It doesn’t record anything at all.

Phil: Wait. I probably shouldn’t podcast anymore. I promised my bitch wife that I’d–

Mikey: Phil, we’re white guys. We need to be able to say every dumb thing into a microphone and not get in trouble.

Kyle: It’s just how God made us.

Female voice: The new FisherPrice Podcast Set for White Guys comes with a mic, headphones, and a soundboard that doesn’t record [bleep].

[Cut to Phil doing his podcast]

Phil: Welcome back to “The Mind Dojo.” I’m Phil, and we got a ton of stuff to get into today.

Female voice: Plus, a battery life of three hours, minimum, so you and your inflatable cohost can rant about everything you want, like sports.

Phil: I mean, when you think about it, I’m blacker than Colin Kaepernick.

[Phil presses a button.]

Recorded voice: Ha-ha-ha. That’s so funny, man.

Female voice: Entertainment.

Phil: If there was a show called “Whiteish”, the left would lose their minds.

[Phil presses another button]

Recorded voice: Ha-ha-ha. You’re so right, totally.

Female voice: And science.

Phil: Sorry, Big Pharma. I’m not just gonna put some crap in my body without doing my own research first. Anyway, today’s podcast is sponsored by Diamond Hog Male Enhancement Gummies. Look, guys, I don’t know what’s in this stuff, but it works. If you want to get as hard as a diamond–

Heidi: What the hell are you doing?

Phil: It’s not what you think.

Heidi: You promised we wouldn’t podcast any more.

Phil: This is the new FisherPrice Podcast Set for White Guys. It doesn’t record.

Heidi: FisherPrice? So it’s a toy?

Phil: Yep, and I can say whatever I want now, and I can never get canceled. Even the Nword.

Heidi: Why do you need to do that?

Phil: Because if I don’t, they win.

Heidi: Who’s they?

Phil: All of them! We can’t let them beat us.

Heidi: Wait. Is that camera on?

[Phil is actually streaming live]

Phil: Yes.

Heidi: So you are recording this.

Phil: Just for my livestream.

Heidi: Yeah, that doesn’t make sense.

Phil: How else am I supposed to get donations, Sharon?

Female voice: New FisherPrice Podcast Set for White Guys. Get yours wherever tactical gear is sold. Ages 34 and up.

Weekend Update LEGOs Titanic Set and YouTube Removes R Kellys Channels

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Harry Styles at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Harry Styles revealed that his 2019 song “Watermelon Sugar” is about the female orgasm. He also revealed the full title of the song is “Watermelon Sugar (is a myth)”.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of marijuana leaves at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Clint Eastwood was awarded $6 million in a lawsuit against a company that illegally used his image to sell their cannabis products, because nothing says ‘relaxed and stress free’ like Clint Eastwood’s face.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a statue of George Floyd at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A statue of George Floyd on display in New York city park was defaced for the second time. Police are searching for the suspect and are planning to serve him with a job application.

[Cut to Colin Jost. Theres a picture of Florida map at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Florida police discovered a meth lab on the 15th floor of a luxury condo building which in Florida is something they list in the brochure. [Picture changes to a brochure of a building that features a pool, a gym and a meth lab.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of caduceus symbol at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Doctors are saying that a man who came in to an emergency room complaining about chest pain had a 10 cm chunk of cement lodged in his heart. Anyways, he’s dead.

[Picture changes to a map of Germany]

A 96 year old German woman who was a secretary at a Nazi concentration camp has been released from detention. She’s now safely in a custody of her grandson. [Picture changes to Colin Jost]

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing. There’s a picture of toy box at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And grandma, if you’re watching, go to bed. LEGO has announced the release of its largest set ever, a 9,000 piece replica of the Titanic. Unfortunately, hundreds of those pieces are just frozen Irishmen.