Phil… John Mulaney[Starts with a bunch of guys at the office laughing]
Andrew: It’s not gonna be the same working here without you, Phil.
Phil: I’m gonna miss you guys.
Mikey: Truly sucks you’re getting fired just ’cause people can’t take jokes anymore.
Phil: I guess I should’ve just deleted my old podcast the moment I got the promotion.
Andrew: It’s just not fair. So now we can’t even use the N word to describe people anymore?
James: Guess not.
Kyle: Well, uh, we all chipped in and, uh, we got you something, Phil.[Starts the commercial of small toy podcast set]
Female voice: Introducing the new FisherPrice Podcast Set for White Guys. Now you can shout every crazy thought in your head without ruining your life. It doesn’t record anything at all.
Phil: Wait. I probably shouldn’t podcast anymore. I promised my bitch wife that I’d–
Mikey: Phil, we’re white guys. We need to be able to say every dumb thing into a microphone and not get in trouble.
Kyle: It’s just how God made us.
Female voice: The new FisherPrice Podcast Set for White Guys comes with a mic, headphones, and a soundboard that doesn’t record [bleep].[Cut to Phil doing his podcast]
Phil: Welcome back to “The Mind Dojo.” I’m Phil, and we got a ton of stuff to get into today.
Female voice: Plus, a battery life of three hours, minimum, so you and your inflatable cohost can rant about everything you want, like sports.
Phil: I mean, when you think about it, I’m blacker than Colin Kaepernick.[Phil presses a button.]
Recorded voice: Ha-ha-ha. That’s so funny, man.
Female voice: Entertainment.
Phil: If there was a show called “Whiteish”, the left would lose their minds.[Phil presses another button]
Recorded voice: Ha-ha-ha. You’re so right, totally.
Female voice: And science.
Phil: Sorry, Big Pharma. I’m not just gonna put some crap in my body without doing my own research first. Anyway, today’s podcast is sponsored by Diamond Hog Male Enhancement Gummies. Look, guys, I don’t know what’s in this stuff, but it works. If you want to get as hard as a diamond–
Heidi: What the hell are you doing?
Phil: It’s not what you think.
Heidi: You promised we wouldn’t podcast any more.
Phil: This is the new FisherPrice Podcast Set for White Guys. It doesn’t record.
Heidi: FisherPrice? So it’s a toy?
Phil: Yep, and I can say whatever I want now, and I can never get canceled. Even the Nword.
Heidi: Why do you need to do that?
Phil: Because if I don’t, they win.
Heidi: Who’s they?
Phil: All of them! We can’t let them beat us.
Heidi: Wait. Is that camera on?[Phil is actually streaming live]
Heidi: So you are recording this.
Phil: Just for my livestream.
Heidi: Yeah, that doesn’t make sense.
Phil: How else am I supposed to get donations, Sharon?
Female voice: New FisherPrice Podcast Set for White Guys. Get yours wherever tactical gear is sold. Ages 34 and up.