Emergency Alert: Season 44 Episode 2

…..Leslie Jones

…..Kate McKinnon

…..Aidy Bryant

…..Seth Meyers

…..Heidi Gardner

[Leslie Jones is walking]

Voiceover: On Wednesday you received the first ever presidential alert.

Leslie Jones: Presidential alert?

Voiceover: [Cut to phone screen of Leslie Jones] This system was the result of years of careful planning for use only in cases of national emergency.

Kate McKinnon: “Failing New York Times says I cheated on Taxes. Duh! It’s called being smart.” What is this?

Voiceover: [Cut to Aidy Bryant sitting on her sofa with her kid] Finally a system for reaching all Americans when it counts most.

Aidy Bryant: “Alert, Puerto Rico is fine now! I guess the paper towels work!”

Voiceover: [Cuts to different Presidents giving speech] Every president since FDR has communicated directly with the American people. He had fire sight chats. And now President Trump has emergency alerts.

Kate McKinnon: “Hurricane Florence got the Carolinas so wet I thought it was the premiere of ‘Magic Mike’.”

Voiceover: With presidential alerts, you’ll hear about every emergency. [Cut to Leslie Jones inside meeting hall with her colleagues.]

Leslie Jones: “September 11th was almost a month ago.” Is that even information?

Seth Meyers: [Cut to Seth Meyers on his bed playing video game with head phones on.] “Warning: white men are under attack.” Oh, no.

Aidy Bryant: [Cut to Aidy Bryant] “Kid rock sounds better than ever?”

Kate McKinnon: [Cut to Kate McKinnon’s phone’s screen.] “Congrats to good guy Brett Kavanaugh, #BelieveMen”

Hi. [Cut to Kate McKinnon throwing her phone into hotdog shop’s water container.]

Leslie Jones: [Cut to Leslie Jones walking inside her office.] “Amber alert: Remember Tiffany Amber-Thiessen? That’s when women were slam dunks.”

Heidi Gardner: [Cut to Heidi Gardner sitting in her office talking to Leslie Jones.] Wait a second. I’m not getting any of these alerts on my phone.

Leslie Jones: You’re not?

Heidi Gardner: No. Thanks, Cricket Wireless.

Voiceover: Cricket Wireless. Now, aren’t you happy we have awful service? Join now for only $2.99 per decade. Our phones have candy inside.

Beta Force: Season 44 Episode 3

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

Man in the commercial…..Seth Meyers

Woman in the commercial…..Aidy Bryant

Announcer: [ Man is jogging down the street. ] When you get older, your body produces a lot less testosterone. [ Cut to a gauge depleting from 100% to 0% with a title that says, ‘Testosterone Levels.’ ] [ Cut to the man and woman tucking themselves into bed. ] And that affects everything that makes you [ Cut to the man looking under the covers at his pelvic region. ] feel like a man. [ The woman sits up and looks at the man with a sigh. ] And you know she can tell. But before you face a full-on vitality crisis, [ Cut to the man using a remote control on the couch. ] you find a testosterone boosting [ Cut to the TV. A giant container of MAXXX Sport drops on the screen. ] supplement on TV. And you know it’s effective [ The man sits up and looks closer at the TV. ] because it’s in a giant black canister. [ The TV shows three more containers of MAXXX. ] And endorsed by the strongest retired athlete money can buy. [ A bald beefy man appears on the screen holding a canister of MAXXX. He says, ‘Get your balls back!’ ] Your soul. [ Cut to the man stirring a glass with a pink liquid in it. ] And before you know it. [ The man drinks from the glass. ] You’re a brand new man. [ Cut to the man who is now bald, smiling, and wearing dark sunglasses and a tight shirt. ] You’re running faster. [ The man is sprinting on a treadmill. ] Training harder. [ The man is doing push-ups then cut to the man kicking a dummy and screaming with rage. ] And lasting longer. [ Cut to the man and woman in bed. The woman is smiling. He does a belly flop onto the bed. ] You did it hos! [ The man is smacking his biceps in the gym. ] You’re a man again. Only one problem. You’ve turned into a full psycho. Look at yourself man. [ He walks into his office at work. ] You’re wearing skin-tight muscle shirts to work, now? You’re in your mid-50’s with a jet black goatee. [ His coworkers are giving him disgusted faces. ] That ain’t normal, man. [ Cut to the man having rough sex with his wife. He is sweating and making an awkward orgasm face. ] You think it’s cool porno railing your wife? She has osteoporosis. [ Cut to the woman looking worn out and massaging her own hand. ] You monster! You know what that must feel like for her? [ The woman is holding her hip in pain. ] You’re cracking eggs with a sledgehammer, bro. [ Cut to the man flirting with an intern at work. ] And let’s not even get into that intern you’ve been creeping on. You’re freaking her out. [ The intern looks uncomfortable. ] You do remember your wife, right? The one on the couch [ The woman is sitting on the couch with an old fashioned ice pack on her crotch area. ] icing down her shattered pelvis. She needs a break, chief. All that extra testosterone [ The man is seen punching the dummy, then sprinting on the treadmill. ] has made you an aggressive alpha nightmare. [ He is smiling with aggression. ] That’s why you need [ The announcer’s voice becomes soft and friendly and a canister of Beta Force is shown on the screen. ] Beta Force. The only supplement that can counteract and undo all that other junk you’ve been taking. [ A computer graphic shows a muscular man soften up and become chubby again. ] So you can be a regular middle-aged man again. [ The man is back to his normal self smiling at his kitchen table. ] [ Cut to the canister of Beta Force. ] With odorless, tasteless, completely undetectable, Beta Force. [ Cut to the woman sneaking the Beta Force powder into the man’s drink. ] Before you know it, you’ll be back to your old self again. [ The man walks over to the woman sitting on the couch. He has a pooched belly and they are both smiling. He sits down next to her and she hands him the drink she had just mixed. ]

Man: I love you, honey.

Woman: Oh, I love you, too. [ The man drinks from the glass. She looks at the camera. ] Thanks, Beta Force.

Man: What’s Beta Force?

Woman: Huh? [ She winks at the camera. ]