…..Heidi Gardner[Leslie Jones is walking]
Voiceover: On Wednesday you received the first ever presidential alert.
Leslie Jones: Presidential alert?
Voiceover: [Cut to phone screen of Leslie Jones] This system was the result of years of careful planning for use only in cases of national emergency.
Kate McKinnon: “Failing New York Times says I cheated on Taxes. Duh! It’s called being smart.” What is this?
Voiceover: [Cut to Aidy Bryant sitting on her sofa with her kid] Finally a system for reaching all Americans when it counts most.
Aidy Bryant: “Alert, Puerto Rico is fine now! I guess the paper towels work!”
Voiceover: [Cuts to different Presidents giving speech] Every president since FDR has communicated directly with the American people. He had fire sight chats. And now President Trump has emergency alerts.
Kate McKinnon: “Hurricane Florence got the Carolinas so wet I thought it was the premiere of ‘Magic Mike’.”
Voiceover: With presidential alerts, you’ll hear about every emergency. [Cut to Leslie Jones inside meeting hall with her colleagues.]
Leslie Jones: “September 11th was almost a month ago.” Is that even information?
Seth Meyers: [Cut to Seth Meyers on his bed playing video game with head phones on.] “Warning: white men are under attack.” Oh, no.
Aidy Bryant: [Cut to Aidy Bryant] “Kid rock sounds better than ever?”
Kate McKinnon: [Cut to Kate McKinnon’s phone’s screen.] “Congrats to good guy Brett Kavanaugh, #BelieveMen”
Hi. [Cut to Kate McKinnon throwing her phone into hotdog shop’s water container.]
Leslie Jones: [Cut to Leslie Jones walking inside her office.] “Amber alert: Remember Tiffany Amber-Thiessen? That’s when women were slam dunks.”
Heidi Gardner: [Cut to Heidi Gardner sitting in her office talking to Leslie Jones.] Wait a second. I’m not getting any of these alerts on my phone.
Leslie Jones: You’re not?
Heidi Gardner: No. Thanks, Cricket Wireless.
Voiceover: Cricket Wireless. Now, aren’t you happy we have awful service? Join now for only $2.99 per decade. Our phones have candy inside.