Emergency Alert: Season 44 Episode 2

…..Leslie Jones

…..Kate McKinnon

…..Aidy Bryant

…..Seth Meyers

…..Heidi Gardner

[Leslie Jones is walking]

Voiceover: On Wednesday you received the first ever presidential alert.

Leslie Jones: Presidential alert?

Voiceover: [Cut to phone screen of Leslie Jones] This system was the result of years of careful planning for use only in cases of national emergency.

Kate McKinnon: “Failing New York Times says I cheated on Taxes. Duh! It’s called being smart.” What is this?

Voiceover: [Cut to Aidy Bryant sitting on her sofa with her kid] Finally a system for reaching all Americans when it counts most.

Aidy Bryant: “Alert, Puerto Rico is fine now! I guess the paper towels work!”

Voiceover: [Cuts to different Presidents giving speech] Every president since FDR has communicated directly with the American people. He had fire sight chats. And now President Trump has emergency alerts.

Kate McKinnon: “Hurricane Florence got the Carolinas so wet I thought it was the premiere of ‘Magic Mike’.”

Voiceover: With presidential alerts, you’ll hear about every emergency. [Cut to Leslie Jones inside meeting hall with her colleagues.]

Leslie Jones: “September 11th was almost a month ago.” Is that even information?

Seth Meyers: [Cut to Seth Meyers on his bed playing video game with head phones on.] “Warning: white men are under attack.” Oh, no.

Aidy Bryant: [Cut to Aidy Bryant] “Kid rock sounds better than ever?”

Kate McKinnon: [Cut to Kate McKinnon’s phone’s screen.] “Congrats to good guy Brett Kavanaugh, #BelieveMen”

Hi. [Cut to Kate McKinnon throwing her phone into hotdog shop’s water container.]

Leslie Jones: [Cut to Leslie Jones walking inside her office.] “Amber alert: Remember Tiffany Amber-Thiessen? That’s when women were slam dunks.”

Heidi Gardner: [Cut to Heidi Gardner sitting in her office talking to Leslie Jones.] Wait a second. I’m not getting any of these alerts on my phone.

Leslie Jones: You’re not?

Heidi Gardner: No. Thanks, Cricket Wireless.

Voiceover: Cricket Wireless. Now, aren’t you happy we have awful service? Join now for only $2.99 per decade. Our phones have candy inside.

Beta Force: Season 44 Episode 3

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

Man in the commercial…..Seth Meyers

Woman in the commercial…..Aidy Bryant

Announcer: [ Man is jogging down the street. ] When you get older, your body produces a lot less testosterone. [ Cut to a gauge depleting from 100% to 0% with a title that says, ‘Testosterone Levels.’ ] [ Cut to the man and woman tucking themselves into bed. ] And that affects everything that makes you [ Cut to the man looking under the covers at his pelvic region. ] feel like a man. [ The woman sits up and looks at the man with a sigh. ] And you know she can tell. But before you face a full-on vitality crisis, [ Cut to the man using a remote control on the couch. ] you find a testosterone boosting [ Cut to the TV. A giant container of MAXXX Sport drops on the screen. ] supplement on TV. And you know it’s effective [ The man sits up and looks closer at the TV. ] because it’s in a giant black canister. [ The TV shows three more containers of MAXXX. ] And endorsed by the strongest retired athlete money can buy. [ A bald beefy man appears on the screen holding a canister of MAXXX. He says, ‘Get your balls back!’ ] Your soul. [ Cut to the man stirring a glass with a pink liquid in it. ] And before you know it. [ The man drinks from the glass. ] You’re a brand new man. [ Cut to the man who is now bald, smiling, and wearing dark sunglasses and a tight shirt. ] You’re running faster. [ The man is sprinting on a treadmill. ] Training harder. [ The man is doing push-ups then cut to the man kicking a dummy and screaming with rage. ] And lasting longer. [ Cut to the man and woman in bed. The woman is smiling. He does a belly flop onto the bed. ] You did it hos! [ The man is smacking his biceps in the gym. ] You’re a man again. Only one problem. You’ve turned into a full psycho. Look at yourself man. [ He walks into his office at work. ] You’re wearing skin-tight muscle shirts to work, now? You’re in your mid-50’s with a jet black goatee. [ His coworkers are giving him disgusted faces. ] That ain’t normal, man. [ Cut to the man having rough sex with his wife. He is sweating and making an awkward orgasm face. ] You think it’s cool porno railing your wife? She has osteoporosis. [ Cut to the woman looking worn out and massaging her own hand. ] You monster! You know what that must feel like for her? [ The woman is holding her hip in pain. ] You’re cracking eggs with a sledgehammer, bro. [ Cut to the man flirting with an intern at work. ] And let’s not even get into that intern you’ve been creeping on. You’re freaking her out. [ The intern looks uncomfortable. ] You do remember your wife, right? The one on the couch [ The woman is sitting on the couch with an old fashioned ice pack on her crotch area. ] icing down her shattered pelvis. She needs a break, chief. All that extra testosterone [ The man is seen punching the dummy, then sprinting on the treadmill. ] has made you an aggressive alpha nightmare. [ He is smiling with aggression. ] That’s why you need [ The announcer’s voice becomes soft and friendly and a canister of Beta Force is shown on the screen. ] Beta Force. The only supplement that can counteract and undo all that other junk you’ve been taking. [ A computer graphic shows a muscular man soften up and become chubby again. ] So you can be a regular middle-aged man again. [ The man is back to his normal self smiling at his kitchen table. ] [ Cut to the canister of Beta Force. ] With odorless, tasteless, completely undetectable, Beta Force. [ Cut to the woman sneaking the Beta Force powder into the man’s drink. ] Before you know it, you’ll be back to your old self again. [ The man walks over to the woman sitting on the couch. He has a pooched belly and they are both smiling. He sits down next to her and she hands him the drink she had just mixed. ]

Man: I love you, honey.

Woman: Oh, I love you, too. [ The man drinks from the glass. She looks at the camera. ] Thanks, Beta Force.

Man: What’s Beta Force?

Woman: Huh? [ She winks at the camera. ]

Movie Talkback: Season 44 Episode 3

Andrew Phillips…..Seth Meyers

Malcolm Seats…..Kenan Thompson

Audience 1…..Aidy Bryant

Audience 2…..Kate McKinnon

Audience 3…..Beck Bennett

Audience 4…..Heidi Gardner

Audience 5…..Kyle Mooney

Audience 6…..Leslie Jones

Audience 7…..Cecily Strong

[ Image of an IFC movie theatre with the title: ‘Special Screening: South of Mason’. ] [ Cut to a curtain closing in front of a movie screen. Andrew Phillip and Malcolm Seats sitting in front of the curtain. ]

Malcolm: Alright, thank you, everyone. I am Malcolm Seats, the head of programming here at IFC cinemas. And I hope you all enjoy tonight’s special screening of South of Mason. Please welcome the director, Mr. Andrew Phillips.

Andrew: Thank you all so much for being here. [ Cut to the audience in the movie theatre. Everyone is clapping and smiling. ] This movie [ cut back to Andrew and Malcolm. ] means everything to me. And if it doesn’t win some awards, well that’s gonna hurt.

Malcolm: Well, I know our audience is brimming with questions. So, let’s get right to it.

Audience 1: Yeah, hi, I have a question. [ Cut to Audience member approaching the microphone. ] Any reason the father was played by a man?

Andrew: I guess because the character was a father.

Audience 1: Yeah, and I noticed, you’re also not a woman. Interesting.

Andrew: I’m sorry I don’t know how to answer that.

Audience 1: Hmm, why don’t you give me one good reason you’re not Latino? Twitter’s gonna love that. Anyway, perfect movie. And congrats on everything.

Malcolm: Apologies, Mr. Phillips. People really feel empowered when they get in front of a mic. Yes, next.

[ Cut to the second audience member at the microphone. ]

Audience 2: Yes, excuse me, why did you do the names?

Andrew: The names?

Malcolm: I think she’s talking about the credits.

Audience 2: Yes, the list of names at the end. That made me weep. Is that a list of the dead?

Andrew: No. That’s just the cast and crew.

Audience 2: And uh, they are dead?

Andrew: Dead? No.

Audience 2: So they will never die?

Andrew: What? No.

Audience 2: A beautiful film. Very sad. Very sexy. For this experience, I will sit on you.

Andrew: Oh, please don’t.

Malcolm: You sure?

Andrew: Yeah, I’m sure.

Malcolm: Alright then. Next question. And please be respectful of Mr. Phillips time.

Andrew: That’s okay, this is my only thing tonight. Do you have a question, sir?

[ Cut to the third audience member at the microphone. ]

Audience 3: Yes. What does your father think of the film?

Andrew: I don’t know. I actually never met my father.

Audience 3: Well, now you have.

Andrew: Oh my God. Dad?

Malcolm: No. That is Maurice. And he works concessions weekday mornings. Get out of here Maurice.

Audience 3: I’m proud of you, son!

Malcolm: You don’t have kids, Maurice.

[ Cut to the fourth audience member at the microphone. She is holding an old-fashioned suitcase. ]

Audience 4: [ She speaks high pitched with a slight southern belle accent. ] Pardon me. Pardon me. I just got off the train, and I’m so lost and scared. I ain’t never been to New York before. [ She breaks character and speaks normally. ] Hi, Adele Dazeem. Actress, and when I get too old, writer. Mr. Philips, I’d love to be involved in your next project.

Andrew: Great, I’m working on a play.

Audience 4: Oh, pass. [ She walks off. ]

Andrew: Yes, hi, do you have a question?

[ Cut to the fifth audience member at the microphone. ]

Audience 5: Yeah, umm. Why wasn’t there any hip-hop in the movie?

Andrew: Because it takes place during World War Two.

Audience 5: Okay, because I was thinking something like um.. [ He begins to rap. ] Growing up. Showing up to nothing. Wishing daddy would say something but not one thing that I ask.

Malcolm: Ooh. Nope. Moving on!

Andrew: Hey, is it always like this?

Malcolm: Well, believe it or not, yes. We give away the tickets on a public bus.

[ Cut to the 6th audience member at the microphone. ]

Audience 6: I have a question. Is there a reception after this?

Andrew: Yes.

Audience 6: And how long should that last?

Andrew: Hour tops.

Audience 6: Okay, okay. I see. Now, if you live 20 minutes from here, what time would you make it home?

Andrew: 20 minutes from here? I don’t know. 11, 11:30?

Audience 6: Hmmm. So tell me why this man right here thinks it’s okay to roll up in my house at 3 am? Smelling like corn liquor because he said he had a reception at work.

Malcolm: I will see you at home, Rhonda.

Audience 6: If you have a home to come to. [ She walks off, and the seventh audience member walks up to the microphone holding a small dog in a carrying pouch. ]

Audience 7: Umm, excuse me. I like the movie, but my daughter disagrees. [ She points to her dog. ]

Malcolm: That’s a dog ma’am, and you can’t have that in here.

Audience 7: Well, what am I supposed to do?! Leave her at home? She’ll commit suicide!

Malcolm: And that’s all the time we have for today.

Andrew: Oh wow.

Malcolm: Thank you, Mr. Phillips, for being here.

[ Audience member 6 walks over to Malcolm. ]

Audience 6: We go home now?!

Malcolm: Yes, okay. Let’s go.

[ Cut to image of outside the theatre front. ]

Traffic Stop: Season 44 Episode 3

Cop 1…..Leslie Jones

Cop 2…..Ego Nwodim

Man…..Seth Meyers

Cop 3…..Kate McKinnon

[ Image of a busy freeway at night. ] [ Cut to Cop 1 & 2 standing in front a car. The man is walking over to them; he has been pulled over. ]

Cop 1: Sir, just stand over here. We’re gonna ask you a couple of questions. You’re in a lot of trouble, sir.

Man: I know. I know.

Cop 2: Okay, well since you know so much..do you know why we stopped you?

Man: I guess I missed the stop sign back there.

Cop 1: Yeah, that’s right you did. And do you know why we asked you out of your car?

Man: Not really.

Cop 2: Because you fine as hell. That’s why.

Man: I’m sorry, I don’t understand.

Cop 1: What my partner is trying to say is you a zaddy, and you can get it.

Cop 2: And if you act right, you might could keep it. [ The two cops laugh and high five. ] [ Cut to intro for ‘Thirsty Cops.’ The theme song is playing: Thirsty cops. Thirsty cops. They’re thirsty cops. Fighting crime but if their perp is fine, they’ll take their time. They’re thirsty cops. ] [ Cut back to the two cops with the man outside his car. ]

Cop 2: So where are you coming from?

Man: A party.

Cop 1: What kind of party?

Man: A work party.

Cop 1: Woohoo! So he got a job. [ The two cops high five again and dance around. ] He got a job. Ha ha ha ha.

Cop 2: An employed brother! We got an employed brother.

Man: Why is that such a good thing?

Cop 1: Because [ She sings Gold Digger by Kanye West. ] we ain’t messing with no broke broke.

Cop 2: Now I ain’t seeing we a gold digger..

Cop 1 & 2: But I ain’t messing with no broke, broke, broke.

Man: Sorry to interrupt your song officers, but am I in trouble?

Cop 2: Oh yeah, we might even need you to go downtown.

Cop 1: Do you like to go downtown? [ She makes a motion with her pelvic area. ]

Man: Look, I know what you guys are talking about, and this feels like harassment.

Cop 2: Okay. Harassment? Or my assment? [ The cops turn around and stick out their butts towards the man. ]

Man: Alright.

Cop 2: Okay sir, you have the right to remain silent.

Cop 1: And anything you say or do may be held [ She places her hand across her chest. ] against my body. To turn me on.

Man: I’m sorry. Is this real?

Cop 2: Oh, ho, ho, ho. Very real. Very real. Have you been drinking?

Man: I had a whiskey or two, although right now, I wish I had a couple more.

Cop 1: Ohhh, okay! So you a whiskey man? Fine and refine.

Cop 2: Okay, okay. So we talking a Seagrams 7 or more like a Seagrams 9 and a half? [ She points at the man. ]

Cop 1: Whaaat?! Look I’ll be honest, I’ve gotten a ton of DUI’s, and the process was never like this.

[ A third cop walks up to the man from off stage. ]

Cop 3: Alright, alright. What seems to be the problem over here?

Man: Oh, thank God, you’re here Officer. These two are being very inappropriate.

Cop 3: Okay, what’s inappropriate, Sir, is you walking around with that ass.

Man: Oh boy. [ Cop 1 & 2 cheer cop 3 on and cop 3 sticks out her tongue. ]

Cop 3: Excuse me, my friend, I’m going to need to phone this in. Car 51 a dispatch suspect is exactly my type. Hot but not cocky. Effortless style. Repeat, suspect is exactly my type. [ Cop 1 & 2 laugh in agreement with cop 3. ]

Cop 1: We’re gonna need you to walk now, sir.

Man: No, I’m not gonna do that. This is illegal.

Cop 2: Wait, sir. Sir. You’ve admitted to drinking, and you’ve had a traffic violation. You’re gonna need to do as we say.

Cop 1: Now, walk!

Man: Alright. [ The man walks across in front of the cops. ]

Cop 1: Yes. [ The three cops check out the man as he walks. ] Turrrrnnnn. [ He turns around. ] Yeah, turn again. [ He keeps turning. ] Yahhh.

Cop 3: Hands on your knees, please sir. Yeppp. [ Cop 1 & 2 cheer as the man bends over to put his hands on his knees. ]

Now sir, sir. I’m gonna need you to look back at it. [ The three cops laugh and cheer. Cops 1 & 2 do a little dance. ]

Cop 3: Hot, cha, cha. Looks like your gals got this covered, you lucky bitches.

Look enough, I swear, I’m good to drive. Okay?

Oh, well, prove it! If I was a car, how would you ride me?

I’d put my hands on 10 and 2 [ He motions putting his hands on the wheel. ] and go full throttle till I run out of gas. [ Cop 1 & 2 scream with joy. ]

Okay. Okay. He tried it.

He tried it.

I tried it. And I liked it.

[ The two cops laugh and scream with joy. Then the two cops make a siren noise waving their arms over their heads. ] [ Cut to Thirsty Cops outro with a message that says, ‘Please Drink Responsibly.’ The theme music sings, Thirsty Cops. ]

Halloween Gig: Season 44 Episode 3

Trese Henderson (Singer)…..Kenan Thompson

Jenks (Electric Piccolo)…..Seth Meyers

Brad Dates (Keyboardist)…..Kyle Mooney

Audience 1…..Chris Redd

Audience 2…..Leslie Jones

[ Image of the outside of a Residence Inn Marriott. ] [ Cut to the inside of presentation room inside the hotel. There is a band on stage, one man is playing the keyboard, another is playing the flute, and the third is in the middle singing on the microphone. There are pumpkins decorating the set. ]

Trese: [ Music is playing. ] Yes, I will ignore. Yes, thank you very much. Hello, Kingston residents in the Marriott. Once again I am Trese Henderson, and this is the Trese Henderson Trio. We are moments away from announcing the winners of the adult Halloween Costume Contest. [ Cut to the audience of the band sitting at three tables in costumes. ] For adults only. [ Cut back to the band. ] But first, let’s get back to the show! [ The band starts to play music, again. ] Tweedle-de-dee Tweedle-de-snatch Tweedle-de-snacks inside the pumpkin. [ Intense short piccolo solo. Music ends. ] Ladies and gentlemen, I could not stand up here in front of you tonight without the amazing little babies you see behind me. Brad Dates on keyboard.

Brad: 100% Tres! [ Short keyboard solo. ]

Trese: I told you! And our newest edition Mr. Jenks on the electric piccolo.

Jenks: Watch me fly, Trese! [ Short piccolo solo. The piccolo zaps him. ] Ooh, ooh, ooooooh! I got a little shock.

Trese: From the electricity in your piccolo?

Jenks: That would be my guess, Trese.

Trese: Wow! Well this week went from bad to worst for you, didn’t it?

Jenks: Oh I’m fine.

Trese: You were sad in the car.

Jenks: I was quiet.

Trese: I think you were sad. Is is about that thing?

Jenks: I don’t want to talk about it here.

Trese: The thing, that the doctor said he thought you had.

Brad: That’s personal, Trese.

Jenks: Seriously, you don’t need to worry about it.

Trese: Well, as your roommate, I think I do. Because we use the same washcloths.

Jenks: Drop it!

Trese: Fine!

[ The band begins to play music, again. ]

Trese: Tweedle-de-dee. Tweedle-de-pop. Tweedle-de-candle inside the pumpkin top. [ The music ends. ] Alright, how is everybody feeling tonight?

[ Cut to the two audience members sitting at the center table up front. ]

Audience 2: Confused. What’s going on with your piccolo player.

Audience 1: Yeah, we have some theories on what’s going on. I think he has athlete’s foot.

Audience 2: I think he got panty crickets.

[ Cut back to the band on stage. ]

Trese: Did you hear that Jenk’s? We are all wondering if you have panty crickets? People care. Open up.

Jenks: Let’s just do the gig, and not worry the people.

Brad: Respect his boundaries, Trese.

Trese: I am just trying to help. My intentions are pure.

[ The band begins to play, again. ]

Trese: Tweedle-de-north. Tweedle-de-south. What did the pumpkin say out his Halloween mouth? [ The music ends. His phone rings. ] Oh, I’m getting a phone call. [He answers his cell phone. ] Kingston medical? Yes, hello. Yes, this is Trese. Yes, I’m with him right now. Jenks, it’s your doctor.

Jenks: Well, you’re my emergency contact.

Trese: Aww, that’s sweet.

Jenks: Can I talk to them?

Trese: Well, who’s stopping ya?

Jenks: Okay, so I do have it. How’d I get it? But, I never touched one of those. Oh, I did lick it. Of course, I have clothes. Get rid of them? What about my roommates clothes? So we need to rid of his, as well?

Trese: Even my Gucci shoes?! Ask the doctor if shoes are clothes.

Jenks: He said everything.

Trese: Not my Gucci shoes! But does he know that the shoes are Gucci?

Jenks: He heard you, and he said, ‘yes.’

Trese: Oh my Gucci shoes! I have to throw them away because of your panty crickets?

Jenks: I’m so sorry Trese. I know how much you love your Gucci shoes.

Trese: Yes Jenks. They were my friends. Tell that to my Gucci shoe.

[ The music begins again. ]

Trese: Tweedle-de-dee. Tweedle-de-twop. Tweedle-de-pumpkin from the tree top! [ The music ends. ]

Bayou Benny’s Liberal Lagniappe: Season 44 Episode 3

Mary Anne Conroe…..Aidy Bryant

Bayou Benny…..Beck Bennett

Seth Meyers…..Seth Meyers

Taylor Swift…..Heidi Gardner

Chili Pepper with Sunglasses…..Kate McKinnon

Giant Biscuit…..Alex Moffat

[ Opening image reads “AOC Public Access Lafayette LA” ]

Voiceover: You’re watching AOC Public Access Lafayette Louisiana. Coming up next is Bayou Benny’s Liberal Lagniappe.

[ Cut to intro for Bayou Benny’s Liberal Lagniappe which has the title and an alligator in front of a swamp scenery. ] [ Cut to Mary Anne sitting with a beer can and a glass of beer. ]

Mary Anne: Oh hey there! I’m Mary Anne Conroe. And ‘dis be the Bayou Benny’s Liberal Lagniappe. The number one most progressive panel show south of the Atchafalaya base. Let’s get the hootin’ and the hollerin’ for the little crawdaddy that gonna turn these red states blue. It’s Bayou Benny!

[ Cut to Benny Bayou. ]

Benny: Aw, hey there, now how Y’all be doing that there, that now, that Y’all be doing that now here, huh? Okay, good, good. Welcome back now to the liberal lagniappe. My name Bayou Benny and this week’s sponsors of the show be ANTIFA. [ Cut to black screen with ANTIFA logo and the words that Benny says next. ] ‘ANTIFA We angrier den a box of ghosts what been trapped in dat dare box by a witch!’ [ Cut back to Benny. ] Okay, now got a lot of the liberal agenda to get through today. Let’s meet that dare panel. She’s the southern liberal I called who don’t spoke on some of that lecture for the rocky top state of Tennessee, it’s da Taylor Swift.

[ Cut to Taylor Swift. ]

Taylor: [ She gives peace signs on both her hands. ] Hi Y’all. People decided they liked me again.

Benny: [ He gives a loud chuckle. ] Okay now, our next panelist here done graduate a magna cum laude from dat done Toulon University. And is the best damn friend dare I done have. Please welcome da awnry gator dat done be sleeping under my house.

[ Cut to an alligator that’s the size of a man. ]

Benny: And our ‘herd panelist there, for this here show that we been doin’ now on here be our Chief White House Correspondent here at the Liberal Lagniappe, ladies and gentlemen, it’s the chilli pepper with da sunglas ses.

[ Cut to a giant chili pepper with sunglasses. ]

Chili Pepper: Thanks so much for having me Benny, I’m looking forward to meeting for dialogue.

Benny: Ha, ha. Me too, me too Chili Pepper. And our final panelist on this here show here be the host of the Late Night with Seth Meyers. It’s da, Seff Meyers.

[ Cut to Seth Meyers. ]

Seth: What is this?

[ Benny and the panelists are seated together at a table. ]

Benny: Oh you know what it is. You’re on the Liberal Lagniappe. Now what you dawn done right now bout that right now dare now done now, you here?

Seth: Yes?

Benny: [ Benny chuckles loudly. ] Now what you think about the big ol’ news of the day?

Seth: What’s the big ol’ news of the day?

Benny: Oh yes sir.

Seth: [ He looks confused. ] I guess…I don’t know. Trump’s comments about Brett Kavanaugh are pretty outlandish. I mean to say he was proven innocence is just down right false.

Chili Pepper: Now I have to agree.

Taylor: Yeah, way out of line.

[ The alligator makes a whooshing growling sound in agreement. ]

Chili Pepper: Exactly. And what about Trump saying Democrats are too dangerous to govern?

Taylor: Ahh, don’t even get me started.

Yeah, it’s wild to see Republicans politicize the Supreme Court like this. It kind of undermines the entire institution.

[ A siren goes off and a red light flashes. ]

Benny: Oh, ohhh. Now dat dare’s one spicy little dank there Mr. Meyers. You know what that means?

Seth: Uh? That I’m insightful and socially conscious?

Benny: Uh uhh, no, it’s means that you got to wrestle with this here big ol’ biscuit.

[ A man in a giant biscuit costume comes out wearing a ‘Make America Great Again’ hat. ]

Seth: Oh, oh okay, so I think I’m getting it. You guys are all liberal?

Benny: Oh, that’s right!

Seth: And that’s why you want me to wrestle the maga biscuit.

Benny: Oh, yes sir.

Seth: Well, I’m not gonna wrestle the biscuit.

Benny: Well, that’s your decision then.

Biscuit: I guess I’ll just go den…

[ Mary Anne comes over to the biscuit with a broom and sweeps him out of the room. The Biscuit man looks sad and runs off. ]

Mary Anne: Go on, get outta here Biscuit!

Benny: Get on outta here Biscuit! Nobody want ya!

Mary Anne: Get outta here!!!

Benny: Go on back to your pan, you biscuit!!! Dang done biscuit!! Woo! Well folks, since we done be wrapping things up here at the liberal lagniappe, I think it’s time we took a da closer look at dis here.

[ Cut to title screen that reads: ‘Do Closer Look At Dis Here.’ ]

Benny: Oh. Now here now, see now here, since that there big ol’ possum with a toothache, Mr. Trump done gone lost dat dare lady UN ambassador. Seth, who dat gone be next dat you gone done think gonna take over that post?

Seth: I’m sorry, I could not understand a word that you are saying.

Benny: Seth, who dat gone be next that you think gone take over that there post?

Seth: Are you asking a question? I can’t tell.

[ Benny gasps for air. ]

Benny: The lady UN ambassador.

Seth: Nikki Haley, yes.

Benny: She done gone flew out dat dere White House like a cat lick late for sin practice, huh?

Seth: I genuinely don’t know what you mean by that.

Benny: [ He sighs. ] She done dem take dem feet she got and she put da one in front of da other…guh-dunk-a-dunk, guh-dunk-a-dunk. And den walked up dat whole body dare and put it up dem dare right out da White House. Huh?

Seth: What, I mean…you’re saying she resigned? Yeah.

Benny: And dat’s our show dare folks. Y’all have a good night now. And tune in next week when James Carville gonna eat a whole rubber. Okay, see you den.

Cuban Vacation: Season 44 Episode 3

Reynolds…..Seth Meyers

Deidre…..Heidi Gardner

Man 1…..Kenan Thompson

Woman 1…..Aidy Bryant

Woman 2…..Melissa Villaseñor

Man 2…..Beck Bennett

Restaurant Manager…..Kate McKinnon

[ Image of the outside of a restaurant. ] [ Cut to a table of 6 inside the restaurant. 2 of the seats remain empty, while the other 4 have two couples seated at them. ]

Woman 1: Should we just go? I mean they’re not here yet.

Woman 2: Good thing we ate.

Man 2: They keep texting me that they’re just around the corner.

Man 1: Well, they’ve been around the corner for the past three hours.

Woman 2: There they are.

Woman 1: Deidre, Reynolds, you guys made it. [ Deidre and Reynolds enter the room and sit at the table. Reynolds mutters, “Hi, oh hi you guys.” ] We were getting worried.

Deidre: Oh my God. Is it 11:43 pm?

Man 1: Yes it is. We already ate, and this place is about to close.

Deidre: Oh, I’m sorry. We just got back from Coo-ba yesterday.

Reynolds: We’re jet-lagged from the Coo-ba flight.

Deidre: Yeah.

Woman 2: The Cuba? How long is that flight?

Woman 1: Yeah, because we are in Florida.

Man 2: Yeah isn’t that like the same time zone?

Deidre: Again, yeah, I’m sorry, but we are on Coo-ban time.

Reynolds: Yeah.

Man 1: Okay, so the same time?

Woman 2: So, did you guys have fun?

Reynolds: Mmhmm.

Deidre: Uhh.

Reynolds: Mmm.

Deidre: Uhh.

Reynolds: Mmm.

[ Deidre giggles. ]

Deidre: Fun? I mean everything is a party in C00-ba.

Reynolds: Coo-ba is alive with music and color and wild women in the streets.

Deidre: Oh, I mean, you know. They’re poor, but they’ve got rhythm. [She starts to move her shoulders and dance in her chair. ] And they dance. [ Reynolds makes a sound of agreement. ] Oooh.

Reynolds: And all. It’s so wonderful. All the Coo-ban children, they love to smoke. [ He motions smoking with his hands. Deidre then also motions smoking with her hands and mouth. ]

Deidre: And you know what, they look so cool doing it. You know just leaned up against saturated pastel shops. [ Deidre and Reynolds go back to back and continue to motion smoking with their hands and mouth. ] Smoking.

Man 2: Should we call it a night?

Woman 1: Yeah, yeah. The wait staff is giving us that look of ‘get out of here.’

Reynolds: Awww, but we’re just getting to the best part, baby.

Deidre: Yeah, okay, so. On our last night in Habana.

Reynolds: Ha-vah-nah. That’s in Coo-ba by the way.

Deidre: Yes. So there was this wild Coo-ban man, and he was waving to me [ She motions ‘come here’ with her hand. ] Like this.

Reynolds: Like that.

Deidre: And you know, this [ She continues to motion with her hand. ] means the same thing in Coo-ba as it does here. [ She keeps motioning. ] This.

Man 1: Come here? Yeah, I imagine that’s pretty standard worldwide.

Woman 2: Seriously, we should go. You know the kids they have to wake up early.

Reynolds: Just one sec, because you’re going to want to hear what we did. It was so fiercely Coo-ban.

Deidre: Alright, so it turns out, we went to this authentic Coo-ban rooster competition.

Reynolds: Yeah.

Man 2: A rooster competition?

Waitress: hey guys

Reynolds: Yes, a rooster competition. Like a beauty pageant. All these wild Coo-bans just throwing money [ Reynolds and Deidre begin to motion throwing money with their hands. ] throwing money. Just throwing it, at male chickens.

Deidre: Oh, and they sat us in the front. In front of this little dirt circle pit. Yeah, because I think they thought Reynold was Kiefer Sutherland.

Reynolds: I knew they thought it, but I wasn’t telling them any different because to the best seats for this rooster competition.

Woman 1: Yeah, are you sure you weren’t sitting front row at a cock fight?

Deidre: Umm?

Reynolds: I think we would know if we were a cock fight baby.

Deidre: Yeah, I mean the two roosters were definitely enemies. But, it felt more like a dance. [ She begins to dance with her shoulders again. ] You know, like a real bird Kabuki.

Reynolds: Yeah, I mean feathers were flying and I may be wrong because I have a low IQ. [ Deidre points to Reynolds and nods her head in agreement. ] But it felt very planned.

Man 2: You guys were definitely at a cockfight.

Reynolds: We were not. We were at a Coo-ban rooster review.

Man 1: But was there a dead rooster at the end of it?

Deidre: No.

Reynolds: No.

Deidre: No, I mean, there was one rooster who was obviously like ‘I’m out.’

Reynolds: Yes.

Deidre: He’s done.

Reynolds: I mean if anything it was the end of a very long day for that rooster.

Deidre: You know, cause, it’s hot. Cause it’s Coo-ba.

Reynolds: It’s Coo-ba.

Deidre: And it’s a Coo-ban sun.

Reynolds: Coo-ban sun.

Deidre: And the rooster just laid down and was like, ‘I’m done.’

[ The restaurant manager walks over to the table of couples. ]

Manager: Hey guys. I’m the manager here.

Woman 1: We are leaving.

Manager: Good, cause the kitchen’s closed. So…

Reynolds: How ‘bout the bar?

Manager: I can get you drink, but you do have to promise to stop saying Coo-ba.

Reynolds: Okay fine, baby.

Deidre: I would like a gin on the rocks with one coob.

Reynolds: And I’ll have one coob in a mo-gee-toe.

Deidre: Get out.

Reynolds: Okay.

Manager: Just you two, get out.

Deidre: Alright.

A Frightening Tale: Season 44 Episode 3

Eric: …..Beck Bennett

Man…..Alex Moffat

Brandon…..Seth Meyers

Woman 1…..Heidi Gardner

Woman 2…..Melissa Villaseñor

Connor…..Kyle Mooney

[ There is a campfire with marshmallows roasting on a stick. The screen reads, ‘A Frightening Tale’ in bloody red letters as a deep creepy voice says, “A frightening tale”. ] [ Five people sit in the dark around a campfire in the woods. A couple of them are roasting marshmallows.]

Eric: It’s the man with the claw!!!

Woman 1: Ahhhhhhh!

Eric: Ha ha ha.

Woman 2: Man, I can’t believe scary stories still work on me.

Woman 1: What about you Brandon? Do you got any good ones?

Brandon: Maybe we should just, turn in.

Man: Oh come on, man.

Woman 1: It’d be very nice to hear a story if you got one, Brandon.

Brandon: Fine. You want to be scared? I got a story. Only thing is it’s not a story. It’s real. And it happened to me. About two years ago, when I was still at the ad agency. I got a call from my dad.

Eric: What’d he say say?

Brandon: He asked me if I could get a coffee, with his friend’s son.

Man: Well, that’s no big deal. Right?

Brandon: A 22-year old, recent college grad, and aspiring filmmaker.

[ Everyone around the campfire listening to Brandon screams. ]

Woman 1: So did you do it?

Brandon: Yep. His name was Connor. And he had a lot to say.

[ Cut to the coffee shop where Brandon is sitting with Connor. ]

Connor: What’s with movies these days? Everything is just a reboot, franchise, or sequel? Hollywood has no original ideas. It’s always guy meets girl. Girl dumps guy. Guy gets back with girl. That’s why when I make my movies, things are actually going to be different. Trust me.

Brandon: Right.

[ Cut back to the campfire circle. ]

Eric: So his take was that basic?

Brandon: Exactly. But like he was the first person who ever said it.

Woman 2: How long were you there?

Brandon: Two and a half hours. He really wanted to break down the state of the industry.

[ Cut back to the coffee shop with Connor. ]

Connor: CGI. Since when is every movie based on a video game? Or a frickin’ roller coaster. It’s like ‘Hello Hollywood, can you actually make something about real people?’ That’s why for my movies they should have a warning that plays before it that says ‘This movie might actually make you think’. I really like talking to you.

[ Cut back to the campfire. Woman 2 is crying with her face in her hands. ]

Eric: Hold on, this is crazy! He had a backup plan, right?

Brandon: No, just film.

Woman 2: Did he have any ideas? Like did he tell what his movies were going to be about?

Brandon: Oh yeah. He had an idea.

[ Cut back to the coffee shop with Connor. ]

Connor: Dude, this should be a movie. Just like you and me talking about movies. That’s what real life is.

[ Cut back to the campfire. Eric screams. ]

Woman 1: Then you left, right?

Brandon: I tried. But that’s when he said, man….

[ Cut back to the coffee shop with Connor. ]

Connor: Hey, cool if I get your number?

[ Cut back to the campfire. Woman is flailing her arms. ]

Woman 1: STOP!

Woman 2: Did he ever call you?

Brandon: No. No, no, no. He texted. [ He pulls out his cell phone to reveal a full page of texts from Connor. ]

Voiceover of Connor: 3D, dude, hurts my eyes. [ The people around the campfire start screaming. The man vomits. ] Dammit, popcorn’s so expensive. Kinda feels like TV is the new movies. [ Brandon starts scrolling through the texts with his finger. ] Happy Thanksgiving brother.

Woman 1: There are so many!

Eric: But he has to leave you alone eventually, right? He can’t just keep texting you and trying to pick your brain forever?

Brandon: No, he stays with me. Unless I can introduce him to someone else he can talk to. That’s how the curse works.

Eric: You’re not gonna do that, right?

Brandon: I’m so sorry.

Eric: No! [ A hand reaches down onto Eric’s shoulder. ] [ Connor is now standing behind Eric at the campfire. ]

Connor: Hey, man, Eric. Right? You remember my podcast? We talked about classic Hollywood film.

Eric: Noooooooo!

Jail Cellmate: Season 44 Episode 3

Guard…..Chris Redd

Prisoner…..Seth Meyers

Bill Cosby…..Kenan Thompson

[ Image of a prison yard. A guard’s voice is heard. ]

Guard voiceover: “Open Cell 517. New Prisoner. Good luck new fish”. ] [ Cut to a jail cell. The prisoner is entering the cell holding his blankets. Bill Cosby sits on the lower bunk in the shadows. ]

Cosby: Ah, don’t listen to them. They’ve been here so long they don’t know what it means to be human.

Prisoner: Thanks so what are you in here for?

Cosby: You don’t ask a man that in here. You put your head down, keep to your business.

Prisoner: Wow. Old-timer. You really know the ropes. I’ve never done time before. This friggin’ sucks.

[ Bill Cosby stands up out of the shadow. He can now be seen to resemble Bill Cosby. He speaks in a voice like Bill Cosby, too. ]

Cosby: Hey! You don’t come in here with your filth and your foul foul filth. You need to get a job.

Guard: Hey, Cosby, keep it down. This is the tenth warning. And you’ve only been here four days. Lights on!

Prisoner: Wow! Bill Cosby, I mean, on behalf of every one of your fans, it is so disappointing to be meeting you now.

Cosby: What!? I am in my prime. I’m in jail and lovin’ it. No kids with the darndest things. Limited interactions with Camille. And when I was fighting incarceration, I had no idea that one of the staple foods of the prison system is Jell-O.

Prisoner: I know we are cell mates or whatever. But I really hope you’re not enjoying prison, Mr. Cosby.

Cosby: Dr Cosby. Young people.

Prisoner: I’m not a…I’m 43.

Cosby: You know I want to talk to the young black men in this jail. I’m gonna tell them with no guards present, that they chose to wear the pants around the b-u-t-t, half of their drawers hanging out. And they should be in jail!

Prisoner: I would be super interested in seeing you do that.

Cosby: Well, thank you. I’m going to need a folding chair, a sweat suit, and a headset microphone.

[ The guard enters the room. He is on the other side of the bars of the cell. ]

Guard: Okay inmates. On your feet. We are searching cells.

Cosby: Oh okay, kemosabe. We need to hide some things.

Prisoner: What do you got in there? Drugs?

Cosby: Worse! [ Cosby pulls out a two-foot long deli sandwich. ] Oh hello, my beloved!

Prisoner: Wow, so you really eat huge hoagies?

Cosby: Well not anymore. They put me in jail for loving salty foods.

Prisoner: That’s not why you’re in jail.

Cosby: And now everybody on TV is the burping and saying the flip off, or flip you. Quick! I dug a hoagie tunnel behind this poster of Dizzy GIllespie.

[ Cosby brings the hoagie over to the wall where there is an upside down poster of Animal from the Muppets. ]

Prisoner: Uh, I think you’re eyesight is bad. That’s Animal from The Muppets and it’s upside down.

Cosby: Don’t worry, you’ll be safe in here Denise. [ He pulls back the poster to reveal a hole in the wall and throws the hoagie into the hole. ]

Prisoner: Wait. You dug that tunnel in four days?

Cosby: That’s right. I got two spoons and I went [ He scats like Bill Cosby would. ]

Prisoner: Wow! You are just like Cliff Huxtable except in just one major way.

[ Cosby pulls out a live turtle. ]

Cosby: You have to help me hide this guy. He’s all I have.

Prisoner: I almost feel bad for you. You’re an old man going blind and all you have is a pet turtle.

Cosby: Turtle?! I thought this was Quincy Jones. Quince? You’re gonna sit there and lie to my face? [ He nods the turtle up and down. ]

Prisoner: I wanna switch cells!

Cosby: Oh you fool. How come everytime I try to mentor someone, it ends up turning on me.

Prisoner: Can I ask you something? And this is going to come out way meaner than I intend. But have you considered just dying?

Cosby: Well, I can’t. My love of dancing is on the defibrillator. Everytime I almost die, I just.. [ He starts to scat and to dance mocking the way Bill Cosby is known to dance. ] myself back to life.

Prisoner: What aren’t you getting about this situation? Because you seem genuinely happy and it’s terrifying.

Cosby: Well, I have my regrets. In fact, I want you to deliver this letter if you get out before me. It’s to an old friend.

Prisoner: It says: ‘Hey Elvin, I heard you work down at the Trader Joe’s. Send me a tub of those pretzels with the peanut butter and put a crowbar inside.

Cosby: I’m busting out! I got Woody Allen to drive the getaway car. Between the two of us, we got one working eyeball. Give me some skin. [ He puts his hand out for a high five. ]

Prisoner: No.

Cosby: Skin it. [ He keeps holding his hand out. ]

Prisoner: No, I’m not gonna skin it. I would normally have some small amount of sympathy for an eighty-year old man being sent to prison, but you damaged countless lives. Maybe you should forget about who you think you are and face what you actually did.

Cosby: Hmm. [ He puts his hand on his chin to indicate that he is thinking. ] Theo!

Prisoner: Not my name.

Cosby: That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. Applause. You are afraid to study. I am your father and I will kill you.

[ The guard enters the room again. ]

Guard: Damnit Cosby! Stop quoting classic episodes. Open cell 517. [ The cell door opens. ]

Prisoner: Hey seriously, can I switch cells? Like, does this prison have solitary?

Guard: Oh yeah, we have solitary. Right, this way. [ The guard leads the prisoner out of the cell, and they walk off stage. ]

Cosby: So long, Jack! Four days down, and I got the house to myself.

[ Smooth jazz begins to play. Cosby does a ‘cosby’ dance and sits down in the recliner in his jail cell. ] [ The camera zooms in on the turtle, and a voiceover speaks from the turtle’s perspective: “So what did we learn tonight? Not much. But it doesn’t matter how old you are. If you got friends and music, you can get a groove going. And I am in fact, Quincy Jones. ] [ Cut to the image of the prison yard. ]

Weekend Update: Really!?! with Seth Meyers, Colin Jost, and Michael Che: Season 44 Episode 3

…..Colin Jost

…..Michael Che

…..Seth Meyers

[ Colin Jost is sitting at the news desk. An image of Trump and Kanye West shaking hands is over Colin’s right shoulder. ]

Colin Jost: Well. President Donald Trump met with Kanye West in the Oval Office this week, which brings us to a segment we call: [ Cut to Title Image read by Colin. ] ‘Really!?! With Seth, Colin, and Michael’.

[ Cut to Colin and Michael sitting at the news desk. Seth slides in on his chair and sits between them. ]

Seth Meyers: Woohoo!

Colin: Yeah!

[ Seth pats Colin and Michael on the back and then kisses the news desk. ]

Seth: Let’s do this!

Colin: Woo!

Seth: So! Trump met Kanye in the Oval Office? Really!?! Don’t you have better things to do? And by the way when I say that, I’m not really sure which of you I’m talking to. The only place those two should meet is in group. It should be in a basement of a church and dude with an earring and a leather bracelet should be saying, “I’m so glad you both decided to come back”. I mean really!

Colin: And really, you could tell a lot by how each of them prepared for the meeting. Kanye prepared by learning every fact in the world backwards. While Trump prepared by clearing his desk of any valuables.

[ Cut to image of Trump at his desk in the Oval Office, sitting across from Kanye West, surrounded the press. The desk is completely clear of any items aside from two telephones. ] [ Cut back to the SNL news desk. ]

Michael Che: You know, I negotiated four ‘n’ words this entire season in my new contract. That’s true. So I just wanna know, how much money does this Nigga owe in taxes?

[ A bell dings and 4 ‘N’s appear as an image below the news desk, one red X over the first ‘N’. ]

Seth: I was here for 12 years and Lorne never even gave me one ‘n’ word.

Michael: Really?

Seth: Really! Probably for the best. And really, you know how crazy Thursday at the White House was? Kid Rock was also there, and no one cared. It was almost a relief to hear someone as reasonable as Kid Rock was in the White House. You know how hard it is to make someone like Kid Rock seem like the adult in the room? His first name is Kid.

Colin: And really Kanye, now do you really think Donald Trump is your friend? After the meeting, he called you, a very different kind of guy. That is not a compliment, man. That’s what you call someone when you want to call them a word you can’t say any more. Like, hey, that Forrest Gump sure is a different kind of guy.

Seth: Really! And then Kanye ran behind the desk and hugged Trump and said, “I love this guy right here.” Really, look at this photo. [ Cut to image of Kanye hugging Trump, both smiling. Kanye is wearing a red ‘Make America Great Again’ hat. ] Man, it is so rare that you can see black people and white supremacists betrayed in the exact same moment. [ Cut back to the news desk. ] Really.

Michael: You know, I actually get a lot of what Kanye was trying to say. It sounds like somebody told him something really smart and he just retold it really really wrong. Like when I was a kid and the landlord showed up, and my mother would say, “Tell him I’m not here.” And then I’d say, “My momma said she’s not here.” That’s Kanye.

Seth: Really. Yeah, you know for an egomaniac, Kanye talks a lot about Trump. The fact that he wore a Trump hat to meet Trump is so thirsty. I mean I didn’t wear Yeezys when I met Kanye because I didn’t want to look desperate. And no one would sell me Yeezys.

Colin: And really look it’s really pretty simple. Kanye wants to be Trump’s famous friend because Obama called Kanye a jackass. And if the President of the United States called you a jackass, you’d go ‘You know who I like, the next President’. So in a way Obama is to blame for all of this, the same way Seth is to blame for making fun of Trump so much that he decided to become President.

Seth: Wait, really?

Colin: Yeah, we think that.

Seth: Really, people really think that?

[ Michael and Colin both nod their heads. ]

Michael: Oh yeah.

[ Cut back to the title image. ]

Announcer: This has been ‘Really!?! With Seth, Colin, and Michael’.