Kate McKinnon
Sasheer Zamata
Venessa Byer
Henry… Taran Killam
Leslie Jones
Kyle Mooney
[Starts with Kate walking down the stairs]Kate: I think I’m a pretty good catch. So, why can’t I meet the right guy? I’ve tried all the online dating apps like Tinder, Okay Cupid and Match.com but I wanna get married now. That’s why I joined the new online dating app, Settl.
[Cut to Sasheer]Sasheer: There’s nothing wrong with the men on Settl. They’re just normal guys with characteristic I am now willing to overlook.
[Cut to Sasheer, Venessa and Kate sitting on sofa drinking wine.]Venessa: I already bought my wedding dress. So, I just needed a groom. I joined Settl and went on tons of okay dates. That’s how I met my Henry. [Henry walks in] He may drive a smart car but he’s a manager at Cutco and even has a 401K. We’re getting married in April which is before my sister.
[Cut to Leslie]Leslie: Settl isn’t misleading like those other dating apps. It’s honest. For example, men are only allowed to upload their passport photos or ones they’ve been pretending to hold the leaning tower of Pisa. That way, we can’t focus on their looks.
[Kyle walks in]Hi.
Kyle: Sorry, I’m late. I don’t have a car.
Leslie: Whatever.
[Cut to Sasheer]Sasheer: And, they guarantee the date because Settl won’t allow us to swipe left.
[Cut to Venessa and Henry]Venessa: Because remember, it’s not giving up, it’s settling up.
[Henry and Venessa kiss awkwardly]Female voice: Settl, tick tock.
[Cut to Leslie and Kyle]Leslie: Would you like to have another glass of wine?
Kyle: Oh no, thank you. I’m usually in bed by now.
[The End]