Lisa… Ego Nwodim
Shana… Punkie Johnson
Kelly… Ana de Armas
Bowen: Oh my gosh, this wedding has been unreal. Neadine is such a beautiful bride.
Molly: Chandler is one lucky guy.
Kelly: He sure is. Hey, Shana, by the way, I know it’s probably tough coming to a wedding today’s after a breakup, but I think it’s so sweet or your baby sister Lisa came all the way here to be your date. Lisa, it’s so nice to meet you.
Lisa: Yeah, that’s cute, but my box is closed tonight.
Kelly: I’m sorry, what?
Shana: Kelly girl, pay no mind to my sister. She’s such a jokester.
Michael: All right, ma’am, this is all the dressing we could find in the kitchen.
Lisa: No, why is this ranch black?
Michael: It’s balsamic.
Lisa: Balsamic? What the-
Bowen: Lisa, you really like your dressing, huh?
Kelly: Yeah, everyone else is just in the salad as served.
Lisa: Yeah. And everyone else is about to be sick. Not me. Toss my salad. You know, the more dressing you put on it, the less likely you are to get ecoli. I need to stay healthy. I got to be in court in the morning.
Kelly: Oh, you’re a lawyer?
Shana: Yes, she surely is. Lisa is the lead litigate on a class action suit against the built-a-bear.
Lisa: Um-hmm. They gave a bunch of build-a-bears to some bald kids, and I ain’t got to tell you what happened next.
Kelly: Wow, that sounds like really important work. I bet those families are grateful for your help.
Lisa: Sis, switch me seats. Your little lesbian friend is doing the most trying to get the box tonight. It ain’t happening, boo.
Kelly: I’m sorry. Do I come off flirting? Because I’m not.
Shana: No Kelly, you’re fine. Lisa, can you please chill?
Lisa: All right. Yeah, whatever. I’m gonna just sit back, relax and fix this salad. Okay? No, hold on. Oh, no. Who thought this was a good idea. Raw salmon?
Bowen: Well, it’s smoked.
Lisa: Smoked? Pink as it is, look like a fruit roll up. Uh-uhh. Cook my meat. [throws the salmon] I’m gonna mix this all up for all of us. Okay.
Kelly: Well anyways, I have to tell you guys about this embarrassing date I went on.[Lisa is wildly mixing the salad, the table is all shaky.]
Lisa: It must be meat in the salad.
Kelly: So he and I saw a movie and ended up back at my place.
Lisa: Now, why did managers give me ranch?
Kelly: And as soon as we walk in, a mouse runs across my kitchen floor.
Lisa: Sis, you got any ranch on you?
Shana: Lisa? Just eat. Can you please just eat?
Lisa: But I need ranch.
Shana: Oh my god.
Lisa: Everybody knows lettuce is nasty without ranch.
Kelly: So now I’m worried that he saw the mouse. [All their drinks fall and gets spilled on the table.] But then he’s like, “No, no, it’s fine. We’ll just go to my place.”
Molly: Wow, what a gentleman.
Bowen: Smart man.
Shana: Come on, sis. What happened to us just chillin?
Lisa: I am chillin. I’m chillin. I’m minding- What? I’m chillin. I’m minding my business. You know, this salad gonna be all right, but I’m gonna need it to be Boston.[Lisa stands and starts shaking the whole table while mixing the salad]
Shana: Lisa! Lisa! She’s trying to tell us a damn story.
Lisa: Yeah, I heard the girl. She said her house is dirty.
Shana: Lisa? Okay, alright. Lisa, can you please just knock it off?
Lisa: I need the leverage. I need the leverage.
Shana: I don’t need-
Lisa: What? What? Shaina? I heard the girl Carmen SandiLisa over here trying to get the box while she got ratatouille as her roommate.[Bride walks in]
Bride: What is going on over here? A piece of salmon at my mother?
Lisa: See? Y’all see? This whole wedding is a mess. People getting hit with salmon and they put raw salmon in my salad.
Groom: Is she saying salmon?
Bride: Thank you for coming but this table is ruining our special day.
Lisa: Oh, because we gay?
Bride: No. We’re right in the middle of our first dance.
Lisa: Then why are you over here talking to me? Dance bitch. Now you’re seeing this right? There’s champagne all in the food, vegetables everywhere. That marriage is doomed.
Kelly: Lisa, I understand that you don’t want to get sick, but this is all kind of your fault.
Bowen: Yeah, you’ve been dressing that salad in a really insane way.
Shana: Hold on, hold on. I’m not about to let y’all attack my sister Lisa who came all the way out here from Temecula to be my date. Now maybe she’s a type of siste that you just can take nowhere.
Lisa: I know that’s right.
Shana: Oh no, Lisa. Maybe she’s such a bad listener, it makes you wonder is this woman hard of hearing?
Lisa: Now what you saying, I know that’s right.
Shana: When it’s all said and done, it’s my blood right here. And she better not have one dry leaf in that damn bowl.
Lisa: Toss my salad. You know what? Y’all done piss me off. I lost my appetite. I’m leaving.
Kelly: Where is she from again?