Mirror Workout

Chris Redd

Mikey Day

Nathan… Nick Jonas

Crissa… Heidi Gardner

Shannon… Kate McKinnon

Azuzal… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Chris and Mikey in their apartment]

Chris: So, how does this thing work again?

Mikey: It’s a workout mirror. So, the instructors are in it. You just do what they do. It’s supposed to be awesome.

Chris: Oh, that’s sick. I’m gonna get so jacked.

Mikey: Yeah. I know, man. Like, the bike, the rowing machine, the treadmill, none of that stuff worked. But this definitely will.

Chris: Well, let’s do it, man.

[Mikey turns the mirror on. Nathan appears on it.]

Nathan: What’s up? Welcome to your first mirror workout. You ready to work?

Chris and Mikey: Yeah!

Nathan: That’s what I thought. Today, we’re gonna be doing Mikey0 second interval training. We’ll be cycling through trainers. So, let’s go. Let’s do this. I’m Nathan. And you’re going to make some major gains. I’m your man.

Mikey: Yo, dude, I love this already.

Chris: We’re gonna get so yo.

[Crissa appears on the mirror.]

Crissa: And I’m Crissa, cardio queen. I’m here to make you sweat. You’re going to hate me by the end of this. But I love that.

Mikey: Oh, dude, Crissa’s gonna kick our ass. I can feel it.

Chris: Man, these people are great, man. They get me pumped up.

[Shannon appears on the mirror. She is an old woman]

Shannon: My name is Shannon Delgado. I am trapped inside of the mirror. I am in a cold black void. If you can hear me, please help me undo the curse.

Chris: What the hell was that about?

Mikey: Yeah. I don’t know, man. But Nathan’s back. Let’s do this.

Nathan: Alright, dudes. Pick up those weights. It’s bicep curls. Make sure you get a full extension. Swirl is the goal. Let’s go.

Mikey: Yo, this is tight.

Chris: It’s definitely cool. My only question is like, who is Shannon Delgado?

Crissa: Hey, ya’ll! It’s time for high-steps. I know it sucks but just remember you’re earning that guacamole later.

Mikey: Oh, dude, you know I’m a guac freak.

Chris: Oh man, you know I am too. Oh, no. She’s back.

[Shannon is standing there with paper bags full of groceries]

Shannon: Hello again, it’s me, Shannon Delgado. Here is what happened to me. I was rude to a fortune teller and now I am here. I need you to call my husband, Ron Delgado, and tell him not to get remarried. I don’t have much time. I am being watched.

Chris: Okay, now she’s got her stuff with her. I’m kind of worried about Shannon Delgado, man.

Mikey: Yo, what I’m worried about is my gains. When’s my man Nathan coming back?

Nathan: Time for tricep kickbacks. Nathan arms, that’s what you want? You gotta do it like this. Also, pro-tip, don’t listen to Shannon Delgado. She’s a liar. Let’s go.

Chris: Wait, he can hear us?

Mikey: Dude, focus on your form.

Shannon: There’s no food in here. Sometimes they lay out a beautiful feast but it twinkles in a way that lets me know that it’s cursed. Once they gave me a beautiful meatball subs. I took a bite and I looked down and it was a rat.

[Azuzal slides in behind Shannon. He’s a guy wearing a red robe with long sharp nails.]

Azuzal: Work.

Shannon: Yes, yes. Apologies, Azuzal. Azuzal guards the gateway.

Azuzal: Work. Stretch.

Shannon: Yes, of course, Azuzal. So, just pull your arm across chest, guys.

Mikey: Oh, okay. So, she does like stretching I guess. Alright, that makes sense.

Chris: No, it doesn’t. And who is Azuzal?

Nathan: Alright. Now, it’s time for the fun stuff. We’re doing a mixtape. New move, new song. Start with me and Jason Derulo. Squads!

Mikey: Oh dude, these are tough, man. Ass to the grass, right?

Crissa: My turn. Let’s do some punches. Time to pump it up raise the glass.

Chris: I do love this.

Mikey: As long as it’s not squats, dude. I’m happy.

Shannon: [scared of Azuzal] Breathe into the stretch.

Azuzal: Work, my Shannon!

Mikey: Alright, full disclosure, man. I like Nathan and Crissa. I’m just not really feeling Shannon Delgado or Azuzal.

Chris: I’m kind of team Shannon. I hope she’s okay.

Nathan: Alright, yo. Let’s recover. Let’s roll out these shoulders. Nice.

[Shannon quietly walks pass behind Nathan]

Chris: Yo, Shannon Delgado is trying to get away.

Nathan: What? Oh, no. Azuzal, she’s not in her frame. Quick! She’s disobeying.

[Azuzal also walks pass behind Nathan]

Chris: Dude, Nathan is on Azuzal’s side.

Nathan: Alright yo, let’s take a deep breath. Roll it out, all sweaty. Praise to Azuzal. And workout done. Nice job.

Mikey: Nice, dude. I actually already feel gains.

Nathan: Y’all killed it today. Give yourselves a “Hell yeah!”

Chris and Mikey: Hell yeah!

Crissa: Give yourselves a “We freakin did it!”

Chris and Mikey: We freakin did it!

Shannon: Give yourselves “Infectus dome zu!”

Chris: A what?

Mikey: Infectus dome zu!

[lightning appears inside the apartment]

Chris: What the hell? Oh, dude! The power went out or something? What?

[Shannon is in place of Mikey now. She is standing beside Chris in the apartment.]

Shannon: It worked. It worked. I’m free. Ron, I’m coming.

[Mikey is inside the mirror now and Azuzal is behind him]

Mikey: No! No, why am I in here?

Azuzal: You are Shannon now. Work!

Weekend Update Jake Rocheck from Friend Zone

Michael Che

Jake Rocheck… Mikey Day

Shannon… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: A recent survey found that a majority of men with a close female friend secretly hope their relationship will turn sexual. Here with more on that shocking statistic is Jake Rocheck who joins us live via satellite from the friend zone.

[Cut to Jake Rocheck]

Jake Rocheck: Hi. Hi, Michael. Um, I’m currently here deep in the friend zone helping my friend Shannon move into her new apartment. So, I’ve been driving boxes across town all day and carrying awkward furniture upstairs for a pretty girl who is not attracted to me, whatsoever. In fact, just today, Shannon said to me and I quote, “I can’t even picture you having sex,” which I find confusing because I can picture her having sex very easily.

[Cut to split screen of Michael Che and Jake Rocheck]

Michael Che: Ouff! Yeah, well, tell us what’s the hardest part about being in the friend zone.

Jake Rocheck: Um, all of it, but [cut to Jake Rocheck] nights are specially difficult. Often times Shannon will have drama with one of the selfish bad boys she’s attracted to, ask me to come over and we’ll sleep in the same bed so she’s not lonely. She easily falls asleep where as I lay awake all night actively suppressing an erection and painfully holding in gas.

[Cut to split screen of Michael Che and Jake Rocheck]

Michael Che: Oh, man! Jake, how does a guy like you end up in the friend zone?

[Cut to Jake Rocheck]

Jake Rocheck: Um, well, in my case, I found myself in the friend zone with Shannon because when we met I was nice and kind.

Michael Che: Oh! [laughing]

Jake Rocheck: Um, it absolutely killed my chance at a physical relationship. but I ended up with a friendship that honestly, Michael, I wouldn’t trade for anything.

[Cut to split screen of Michael Che and Jake Rocheck]

Michael Che: OH, so what if Shannon had change of heart and wanted to–

Jake Rocheck: [interrupting] To start having sex? I would immediately do that.

Michael Che: Well, have you considered telling Shannon how you feel about her?

Jake Rocheck: Um, to be honest, Michael, [Cut to Jake Rocheck] I haven’t given it much thought, besides the six-page email explaining why we belong together currently saved in my drafts folder. Sometimes when I’m drunk, I’ll read it, add a few lines and hover the cursor over the send button, but never clock send because unfortunately, Michael, I am a little baby bitch boy.

[Shannon walks in]

Shannon: Jakey, don’t hate me, but can you build my IKEA stuff?

Michael Che: Oh, I’d love to. Um, Michael, this is Shannon.

[Cut to split screen of Michael Che, Jake Rocheck and Shannon]

Shannon: Oh! Hey, sorry I interrupted.

Michael Che: [sarcastically] Ah, you’re so rude, Shannon. I can’t believe you did that.

Shannon: [flirting and laughing] Oh my god, shut up. Jake, your friend is a jerk. Um, [looking at the camera] we should hang out. Get my number from Jake.

Michael Che: Oh, oh my god, Shannon, stop telling me what to do!

Shannon: [laughing] Shut up. You are trouble.

Michael Che: Yeah, I know.

[Jake Rocheck is nodding his head feeling awkward] [Cut to Jake Rocheck]

Jake Rocheck: [yelling] Wow, that was so much fun to be here for. I’m so pumped you guys flirted and made plans in front of me. Just, um, make sure you are always there for her.

[Cut to split screen of Michael Che and Jake Rocheck]

Michael Che: Nah, Jake. That’s your job. From the friend zone, Jake Rocheck, everybody!

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.