Doctor Love

Dr. Hodges… Sterling K. Brown

Shawn Wilkins… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a patient visiting the doctor. The Shawn is sitting on the patient’s seat.]

Doctor:¬†Okay, Mr. Shawn Wilkins. I’m Dr. Hodges. Before we get to our exam, we have a few new questions to answer that weren’t on file.

Shawn: Sounds good to me.

Doctor: Alright. Fantastic. Do you smoke?

Shawn: Umm, no.

Doctor: I don’t like the sound of that “Umm.” Are you sure?

Shawn: Okay. I do smoke. But not that much.

Doctor: Alright. Any drinking?

Shawn: Uh, twice a week.

Doctor: Um-hmm.

Shawn: Alright. Alright. Like, four times a week.

Doctor: There we go. Are you sexually active?

Shawn: Yes. Like, seven, eight times a week.

Doctor: For real?

Shawn: Yeah. If I think about it, eight times.

[Doctor runs and closes the door.]

Doctor: Bro, are you serious? Swear to god?

Shawn: Um, yeah.

Doctor: Oh, damn. So, you up in it, huh?

Shawn: Um, yeah, man.

Doctor: That’s dope. Dope. Yeah. Alright. How many partners?

Shawn: Just the one.

Doctor: [loud voice] One partner? Eight times a week? Whoa! Do you love her?

Shawn: What?

Doctor: The girl, man. Your girl. Do you love her?

Shawn: Phrr. No. No. No.

Doctor: Wait. You don’t love her?

Shawn: Is this a medical question?

Doctor: You know what? Just never mind. Protected or unprotected?

Shawn: Unprotected.

Doctor: [squeaky voice] Oh, what? [smiling]

Shawn: Hey! Look! Can we just talk about why it burns when I pee

Doctor: Because pee is hot. Duh!

[phone ringing] [talking on the phone] Hello. This is he. Who? Oh, the cancer lady. Yeah. You still got it. I gotta call you back. I’m in the middle of something.

[Doctor hangs up the phone]

So, okay. I’m confused Mr. Wilkins. You have unprotected sex with one woman and you don’t think anything is there?

Shawn: There isn’t. I already told you.

Doctor: Alright. Sure. I’ll lay off. I knew syphilis rotted the mind. I didn’t know it rotted the soul.

Shawn: I have syphilis?

Doctor: I don’t know, man.

Shawn: Doc, look, just let it rest. We keeping it casual. When we started hooking up we both said we weren’t looking for anything. It’s not that deep.

Doctor: You know what, man? You should get out of my office coz I don’t treat fools.

Shawn: [yelling] Hey, I’m no fool, alright? She’s married to her job and I’m focused on my tech decks right now. It would never work out.

Doctor: Not talking like that, it won’t. But I think the young man who came in here earlier, the confident young man who bangs it down raw dog, it could work out for him. For what do I know? I’m just some Harvard doctor.

Shawn: Look, doc. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you but would we just move on with the exam?

Doctor: Yeah. Yeah. Let me listen to your heart. [Doctor puts on his stethoscope] Oh. Oh, well.

Shawn: What is it?

Doctor: You’ve been hurt before.

Shawn: Yeah. Real bad.

Doctor: Mr. Wilkins, your heart seems to be saying, “Go to her. Don’t you see? This is meant to be. Stop standing in your own way.”

Shawn: I don’t know. I don’t know. What if she says no?

Doctor: What if she says yes?

Shawn: You’re right. [looks at his watch] Oh, man. I have to go now. She’s out her way to the airport. She’s moving to London for life.

[Shawn turns to the door to leave. Doctor stops him.]

Doctor: Not so fast. I can’t let you go, not dressed like that.

[Doctor pulls out a suit and a flower bouquet from his office’s corner.]

Shawn: You know. It’s true what they say about doctors. They do save lives.

Doctor: [looking at his stethoscope] I wonder how this thing actually works.