Sarah Sherman[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: Well, guys, we’re six shows into the new season. Here to discuss a personal gripe with me is our very own Sarah Sherman.[Sarah Sherman slides in] [Cheers and applause]
Sarah Sherman: Colin, I’ve got a bone to pick with you.
Colin Jost: Oh, God, what did I do now?
Sarah Sherman: None of these jokes are about me. It was all midterms this, Trump that, but what about Sarah?
Colin Jost: We can’t do jokes about you, Sarah.
Sarah Sherman: But I can, and I’m gonna do them all here right now.[music playing] [new Weekend Update goofy intro of “Sarah News” playing]
Colin Jost: You brought your own set?
Sarah Sherman: Of course I did, ’cause yours looks ugly. I’m Sarah, and this is the “Sarah News.” A tunnel below Niagara Falls recently opened to the public for the first time in over a century. A musty, old tunnel letting people back in after years of disuse? “I can only hope,” said my boyfriend. That’s right, America. I have a boyfriend. Don’t let the queer haircut fool you, honey. I’m as straight as Michael Che’s “Update’ persona.”[Michael Che is confused]
Earlier this week, Elon Musk suspended Twitter’s paid verification system. Well, I guess the only checkmark next to my name will be the one on Kanye’s list of Jews to keep an eye on.
Colin Jost: Okay, alright. Alright, I think that’s enough jokes about Sarah.
Sarah Sherman: Bro, I’m only gonna say this once. Stop touching my leg under the table. [they’re sitting too far for that, and Colin’s hands are visible on the camera]
Colin Jost: I’m not doing that.
Sarah Sherman: It’s time for world news. [pulls out a globe, spins it and points on it randomly] Today, I’ll be doing a story on… Whoa! Pennsylvania!
Colin Jost: You pointed to the middle of the ocean.
Sarah Sherman: Okay, what are you, a geographer? Relax, bro. In Pennsylvania news, senator elect and big, gorgeous monster John Fetterman has received criticism for his casual dress. And I agree. Those cargo shorts and hoodies don’t belong on the Senate floor. They belong crumpled up on my bedroom floor. Hachi machi. Thanksgiving must’ve come early this year because that hunk is giving the turkey wattle between my legs something to be thankful for.
Colin Jost: Oh, my God. That is disgusting.
Sarah Sherman: Somebody’s jealous. Speaking of disgusting, I recently had an allergic reaction that made my face look like this. But on the bright side, now I have a picture to show the HR lady when she asks, “What did Colin ever do to you?”
Colin Jost: Sarah, that is horrible. Alright, we have to end this.
Sarah Sherman: Why? So you can get back to, like, whatever this crap is? [pointing at Colin’s notes]
Colin Jost: Wait, what?
Sarah Sherman: Hey, guys, by the way, these aren’t notes. They’re just Colin’s little drawings of me. [Pulls Colin’s paper and shows it to the audience. It has a rough drawing of a woman in bikini]
Colin Jost: You planted that. Sarah Sherman, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.