Tag: Sherman

Weekend Update- Sarah Sherman Debuts Sarah News

Colin Jost

Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, guys, we’re six shows into the new season. Here to discuss a personal gripe with me is our very own Sarah Sherman.

[Sarah Sherman slides in]

[Cheers and applause]

Sarah Sherman: Colin, I’ve got a bone to pick with you.

Colin Jost: Oh, God, what did I do now?

Sarah Sherman: None of these jokes are about me. It was all midterms this, Trump that, but what about Sarah?

Colin Jost: We can’t do jokes about you, Sarah.

Sarah Sherman: But I can, and I’m gonna do them all here right now.

[music playing]

[new Weekend Update goofy intro of “Sarah News” playing]

Colin Jost: You brought your own set?

Sarah Sherman: Of course I did, ’cause yours looks ugly. I’m Sarah, and this is the “Sarah News.” A tunnel below Niagara Falls recently opened to the public for the first time in over a century. A musty, old tunnel letting people back in after years of disuse? “I can only hope,” said my boyfriend. That’s right, America. I have a boyfriend. Don’t let the queer haircut fool you, honey. I’m as straight as Michael Che’s “Update’ persona.”

[Michael Che is confused]

Earlier this week, Elon Musk suspended Twitter’s paid verification system. Well, I guess the only checkmark next to my name will be the one on Kanye’s list of Jews to keep an eye on.

Colin Jost: Okay, alright. Alright, I think that’s enough jokes about Sarah.

Sarah Sherman: Bro, I’m only gonna say this once. Stop touching my leg under the table. [they’re sitting too far for that, and Colin’s hands are visible on the camera]

Colin Jost: I’m not doing that.

Sarah Sherman: It’s time for world news. [pulls out a globe, spins it and points on it randomly] Today, I’ll be doing a story on… Whoa! Pennsylvania!

Colin Jost: You pointed to the middle of the ocean.

Sarah Sherman: Okay, what are you, a geographer? Relax, bro. In Pennsylvania news, senator elect and big, gorgeous monster John Fetterman has received criticism for his casual dress. And I agree. Those cargo shorts and hoodies don’t belong on the Senate floor. They belong crumpled up on my bedroom floor. Hachi machi. Thanksgiving must’ve come early this year because that hunk is giving the turkey wattle between my legs something to be thankful for.

Colin Jost: Oh, my God. That is disgusting.

Sarah Sherman: Somebody’s jealous. Speaking of disgusting, I recently had an allergic reaction that made my face look like this. But on the bright side, now I have a picture to show the HR lady when she asks, “What did Colin ever do to you?”

Colin Jost: Sarah, that is horrible. Alright, we have to end this.

Sarah Sherman: Why? So you can get back to, like, whatever this crap is? [pointing at Colin’s notes]

Colin Jost: Wait, what?

Sarah Sherman: Hey, guys, by the way, these aren’t notes. They’re just Colin’s little drawings of me. [Pulls Colin’s paper and shows it to the audience. It has a rough drawing of a woman in bikini]

Colin Jost: You planted that. Sarah Sherman, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update Field Correspondent Sarah Sherman Gives an SNL Studio Tour

Colin Jost

Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well guys, we are nearing the end of the season and here to tell us what she learned and give us a tour backstage is Weekend Update field correspondent, Sarah Sherman.

[Cut to Sarah Sherman walking within the audience]

Sarah Sherman: Hi, Colin. I’m gonna kick off the tour in our studio audience. It’s been a great show tonight with lots of great Weekend Update jokes from Michael Che specifically.

Colin Jost: Alright. Didn’t love the “specifically” there, Sarah, but Sure. Go ahead and take us backstage.

Sarah Sherman: God, so many legends have passed through these hallowed halls. Will Ferrell, Kristen Wiig, a bunch of crew guys you think I’m an ugly little boy? And oh my god. How cool? Here we have my clothing rack. This is where they keep my size zero pants.

Colin Jost: Yeah, those actually look like children’s pants?

Sarah Sherman: Children’s pants, sort of your area of expertise.

Colin Jost: Please, let’s not do this, okay Sarah?

Sarah Sherman: Oh, I’m actually just getting word right now that you should be quiet.

Colin Jost: All right. Okay. All right. Well, let’s just— Can we please just keep going with your backstage tour, okay?

Sarah Sherman: And what do we have here? Ladies and gentlemen, it’s Colin Jost dressing room. Or as our female interns like to call it “the Chamber of Secrets”.

[Sarah Sherman walks inside Colin’s dressing room]

Colin Jost: Okay, no. Nobody calls it that. Sarah please do not go in there.

Sarah Sherman: Too late. Folks, the scene in here is abysmal. On this mirror, Colin has put up all of his humiliating daily affirmations. “You are funny.” “You are handsome.” “You are the real king of Staten Island.” And this one just says “Reminder: Dinner tonight with Giuliani.”

Colin Jost: Sara I did not write those.

Sarah Sherman: Oh my God, Colin, what are you obsessed with me? [showing a full wall of pictures of her behind her]

Colin Jost: Those are are not mine. Those are not mine either. You clearly put those in there.

Sarah Sherman: Oh, really? What’s all this then? [she tries to show something, but it falls down accidentally. She’s looking down for it, but she can’t find it.] Aww, the thing that I threw?

[Colin Jost laughing out loud]

Colin Jost: Yeah, that was the news you were going to show, but you don’t have it.

Sarah Sherman: Oh my god, and what do we have here folks? It’s Colin’s famous intern kid. [Sarah Sherman pulls out a cover and inside, there’s an intern inside a pet cage.] Hello. Looks like somebody messed up a Starbucks order. Hey buddy, for next time Colin, likes his coffee with no milk, no sugar, no coffee and just vodka.

Colin Jost: Sarah, I told you. You have to stop putting interns in cages in my dressing room.

Sarah Sherman: Oh my god, Colin, are you collecting my underwear? Wow, I cannot believe you’re the guy I’ve been selling these to.

Colin Jost: Alright, someone please just cut her feed off.

Sarah Sherman: Oh, I’m actually just getting word right now that we have breaking news from the Update desk from my correspondent and best friend, Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a poster of Colin Jost hushing Sarah at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Thanks, Sarah. This just in. Local panties sniffer Colin Jost wants to silence Sarah Sherman in his ongoing quest to tear down Jewish women? Back to you Colin.

Colin Jost: All right. Field correspondent, Sarah Sherman, everyone.

Sarah Sherman: Love you, Colin.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Sarah Sherman: And I’m Sarah.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Sarah Sherman on Staying Cozy in the Winter

Colin Jost

Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Shiver me timbers. It’s cold here at 30 Rock. Here to talk about staying cozy in the winter weather is our very own Sarah Sherman.

[Sarah Sherman slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Sarah Sherman: Hi, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hey Sarah. So, you’re here to talk about the winter?

Sarah Sherman: That’s right. Winter rocks. All the bugs are dead. It’s amazing.

Colin Jost: Okay, so you don’t mind the cold at all.

Sarah Sherman: Collin. I’m cozy all winter long. I got pubes thicker than clothes.

Colin Jost: Oh, you don’t have to talk about your pubes, Sarah.

Sarah Sherman: Oh, I’m sorry. Does the bush stuff make you uncomfortable?

Colin Jost: I mean, I don’t know. A little.

Sarah Sherman: Okay, I’m sorry. [There’s a picture of a fake news article with title that says “Local female body inspector Colin Jost prefers hairless genitals”] This just in, local female body inspector Colin Jost, wishes his female coworker had hairless genitals like a blow up doll. Now, back to you Colin.

Colin Jost: That’s not– I don’t care about your body hair.

Sarah Sherman: Wow, Colin. Careful how you talk about my body. I’m basically your son’s age.

Colin Jost: So, you’re like six months old?

Sarah Sherman: You wish, sicko. You’d kill to change my diaper, wouldn’t you?

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Sarah, that’s disgusting.

Sarah Sherman: Oh, you think that’s disgusting? You know what’s disgusting? The cost of housing in New York, Colin.Can you believe? Yeah. Can you believe I have to pay $Sarah Sherman00 A month?

Colin Jost: You pay $Sarah Sherman00 for rent. Where do you live?

Sarah Sherman: Wow. [There’s a picture of a fake news article with title that says “Hamptons homeowner Colin Jost mocks comedian”] Wow! Breaking news. Hamptons homeowner  Colin Jost mocks struggling comedian for finding a good deal by living in his dog house.

Colin Jost: You live in my dog house? Sarah, what do you want for me?

Sarah Sherman: $6,000.

Colin Jost: I’m not giving you 6 grand.

Sarah Sherman: Your funeral. [There’s a picture of a fake news article with title that says “Wealth-hoarding Hollywood husband Colin Jost-Hansson has not a dime to spare”] In other news, wealth-hoarding Hollywood husband Colin Jost has not a dime to spare for SNL’s underpaid rookie, even though she was going to donate that money to St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital.

Colin Jost: You didn’t say that.

Sarah Sherman: And another thing. Can we talk about you and Che? It’s always ‘will they won’t they’ with you two. Why don’t you just get it over with and make out already?

Colin Jost: No. I’m not kissing Che.

Sarah Sherman: Wrong answer. [There’s a picture of a fake news article with title that says “Local sex bigot rejects queer love”] This just in. Local sex bigot Colin Jost violently rejects radical act of queer interracial Love.

Michael Che: You are so small minded, Colin.

Colin Jost: Alright, fine. You want to kiss? Let’s do it.

[Colin Jost leans towards Michael Che to kiss.]

Michael Che: [avoiding kiss] Whoa! Whoa! Hey!

[There’s a picture of a fake news article with title that says “Jost thinks being gay is a… joke?”]

Sarah Sherman: Breaking news. Queer baiting Update anchor Colin Jost pretends to be gay for laughs.

Michael Che: Damn, Colin. You are the worst.

Colin Jost: Sarah Sherman, everyone.

Sarah Sherman: I want you guys to kiss.

Weekend Update Sarah Sherman Roasts Colin Jost

Colin Jost

Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Colin Jost at his set]

Speaker Colin Jost: Well guys, we are six shows into our new season. Here to tell us how it’s going is one of our new cast members, Sarah Sherman.

[Sarah Sherman slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Hey, Colin.

Speaker Colin Jost: Hey, Sarah. So, how’s your time with the show been so far?

Speaker Sarah Sherman: What’s not to love? Laughing, comedy, New York City. But I’m not gonna lie, dude. I’ve got some feedback.

Speaker Colin Jost: You got feedback already?

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Yeah. And I got a lot of questions about this show. First off, why is it live?

Speaker Colin Jost: Well, the name is show Saturday Night Live.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Don’t you think that’s a little scary, Colin? I could say something right now that could ruin my life and yours.

Speaker Colin Jost: Well, please don’t.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: I kind of want to I’m crazy.

Speaker Colin Jost: Don’t though.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Anything could happen. I can have a nip slip right now.

Speaker Colin Jost: Sarah, you’re buttoned up to your neck.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: You don’t where my nipples are.

Speaker Colin Jost: Okay, like I feel like I know where most people’s nipples are.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Hah, do you?

[There’s a picture of an article that says “Local pervert Colin Jost claims he’s seen most people’s nipples” at left top corner.]

This just pervert Collin Jost claims he seen most people’s nipples. Now, back to you, Colin.

Speaker Colin Jost: That’s not what I meant.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: And another thing. Why is the show on so late? It’s not even Saturday anymore. It’s Sunday. You people are being lied to.

Speaker Colin Jost: Okay. Alright. Well, the show starts on Saturday.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Wow.

[There’s a picture of an article that says “Self proclaimed nipple expert Colin Jost caught mansplaining live on TV” at left top corner.]
Wow. In other news, self proclaimed nipple expert mansplaining live on television. Now back to you, Colin.

Speaker Colin Jost: Where are you getting these graphics?

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Please stop interrupting me. And another thing. Why is everyone on the cast so freaking good looking? I’m sitting here looking like Chucky went to Saint Lawrence.

Speaker Colin Jost: Come on. No, no.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Oh, so you’re saying I’m beautiful? What are you obsessed with me or something?

[There’s a picture of an article that says “Local sicko Colin Jost caught hitting on SNL’s barely legal new girl” at left top corner.]

Breaking news, local sicko Colin Jost caught hitting on SNL’s barely legal new girl.

Speaker Colin Jost: Barely Legal? You’re like, 30.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: And another thing. Why aren’t there any Jews on this show?

Speaker Colin Jost: There are a lot of Jewish people on the show including you.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Wow. Okay, I’m gonna do it.

Speaker Colin Jost: Don’t do it.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: I’m gonna.

[There’s a picture of an article that says “Local wet blanket Colin Jost is keeping track of the amount of Jews at SNL” at left top corner.]

In other news, local wet blanket Colin Jost is keeping track of the amount of Jews at SNL. He’s making a list and he’s checking it twice. More on that at 11.

Speaker Colin Jost: It’s way past 11.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: And another thing. Why are you guys dressed like that? I mean, nice jacket, Collin. Where’d you get that? The friggin store?

Speaker Colin Jost: I mean, yeah, I got it a store. Yeah.

Michael Che: [laughing hard] She got you, man. You suck. Oh. That’s such a beating.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Thanks, Michael.

[There’s a picture of an article that says “Noted white feminist Michael Che protects innocent Jweish girl from gorgeous facist Colin Jost” at left top corner.]
Noted white feminist Michael Che protects innocent Jweish girl from gorgeous facist Colin Jost.

Speaker Colin Jost: Sarah Sherman, everyone.