Tag: Show

Matt Schatt Game Show

Ted Connelly… Kenan Thompson

Beth… Heidi Gardner

Rob… Devon Walker

Carmen… Ana de Armas

Matt… Mikey Day

Male voice: Two teams, $1 million, here in “The Dome.”

Ted: Good evening. Good evening. I’m Ted Connelly and this is “The Dome.” Now let’s meet the teams vying for a chance at the $1 million prize. Team one, introduce yourselves.

Beth: Hi, I’m Beth and this is my brother-in-law, Rob.

Ted: Oh, proof that in laws can get along. We’re having fun. Okay. Who do we have on Team two?

Carmen: I’m Carmen and this is my husband, Matt.

Ted: All right. Carmen and her cousin Matt. Okay.

Carmen: No, no. Matt’s my husband.

Ted: I’m sorry. I have a bad ear for accents. Sounds like you say that Matt’s your husband?

Carmen: I did. We’re married.

Ted: To each other?

Matt: Yapa-roni.

Ted: Okay, so let me just- Let me just clarify what’s going on here. So you who are you, are married to he was him?

Matt: Yep, we are Mr. and Mrs. Matthew Patrick Shatt.

Ted: Your name is Matt Pat Shat?

Matt: Yes, sir. Is that okay?

Ted: Not really. Now, I gotta ask why are you on the show when you are obviously extremely wealthy?

Matt: Oh, no, I am not wealthy.

Ted: But then why is she with you?

Carmen: Isn’t it obvious?

Ted: [yelling] No. Oh man, I gotta calm down. I got to calm down. Okay, so you’re not- If you’re not rich, what do you do for a living?

Carmen: I dance with San Francisco Ballet. And Matt works in the food industry.

Ted: Also your chef?

Matt: o, I’m a taste tester at Purina dog Chow.

Carmen: He tries new dog foods to tell them if it’s too like, spicy, you know? Because the dogs can’t talk.

Ted: So, you eat dog food for money?

Matt: Someday, hopefully. It’s volunteer right now. But fingers crossed, it turns into a paid gig soon.

Ted: You eat the dog food for free? Oh my god. I can’t even believe it. I just don’t understand what’s going on. I mean, this dude obviously got the baddest bitch I’ve ever seen. What is happening. Sorry, but I just had a stroke. Okay. All right. Let’s get back to it. I’m just trying to figure out how this absolute dime is married to match it. Oh, Beth, you got an answer?

Beth: I think I do. He obviously gave her a kidney and saved her life.

Carmen: He didn’t give me a kidney.

Ted: Oh, Rob, chance to steal.

Rob: He’s a hanging 8 but a standing 12?

Carmen: What? No. And FYI, he’s hanging 5 and standing 4.

Ted: So when he gets excited, it gets smaller?

Matt: Yeah. Just one of those things.

Ted: Yeah, that’s right. I’m buzzing in on this one. Here’s what I think. She hypnotized.

Carmen: You’re all sounding crazy. Look at my husband. I think it’s obvious why I’m with him.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Ted: No. The judges say no.

Matt: Sorry. Can we play the game now? Or?

Ted: Oh, yeah, of course. Of course. I’m sorry. Matt and Carmen, you won the coin toss backstage. So the first question goes to you.

Matt: Oh my gosh, I’m so nervous. I’m like already sweating. One second. [Pulls his shirt up to wipe his sweat. He’s got multiple nipples on his body.]

Ted: Please zoom in on this. What in the heck? Matt Pat Shat got a group of nipples. Now, Look at all these. Eww.

Matt: Don’t. Yeah, every couple of years, a new one pops up. Just another one of those things.

Carmen: Baby, just put your shirt down. I’m gonna get too excited.

Ted: But why though? I don’t understand it. Let’s just take a break while I have another stroke. We’ll be back right after this. Because I don’t understand what is going on. I mean, she bad. She bad.

Halloween Red Carpet Show

Tina Lefaye… Cecily Strong

Dean Dumont… Mikey  Day

[Starts with video clips of people walking around in Halloween costumes]

Male voice: Live from the sidewalk, it’s the post Halloween red carpet special.

[Cut to Tina]

Tina: Welcome, everyone. I’m Tina Lefaye. It’s 2:53AM on Halloween night and the streets are absolutely packed with adults in costumes, leaving bars and parties and trying to figure out how to get back to where they live. And the stars are out tonight. Aren’t they Dean?

Dean: They sure are, Tina. [there’s a person wearing dinosaur costume walking like he’s drunk behind Dean]In fact, look who’s already here. A drunk guy in an inflatable dinosaur costume. And I think he’s gonna fall and get hurt.

[the guy in dinosaur costume falls down]

There it is. Tina?

Tina: Well, Dean, I’m here with an absolute icon of the post Halloween scene. [Chloe is looking around for her Uber] A wasted white girl who can’t find her Uber.

Chloe: I am here. Where are you?

Tina: Now Miss, I see you’re holding your shoes instead of wearing them. Can I ask why?

Chloe: Blizzards. [on phone] Dude, oh my god, speak Eng-gish.

Tina: Oh-oh, things are getting racist here. So Dean, back to you.

Dean: All right. I’m here with another late night Halloween star. A guy who is upset people didn’t appreciate his costume.

[There’s a guy wearing a suit who has a palm stuck on his cheek]

Devon: Look, man, I’ll a “Slap Chris Rock” It’s funny. This is a genius costume, man. Whatever. People are dumb.

Dean: Okay, amazing. Tina.

Tina: Okay, now I rarely get starstruck. But just beside me is a staple of post Halloween everywhere. It’s a guy who really wants you to ask about his costume. So I see you claim to be the scariest thing in the world. And what is that?

Marcello: The patriarchy. [showing back of his t-shirt]

Tina: And I see patriarchy is spelled wrong. Now, you clearly hope this costume would get you laid. Has it worked?

Marcello: No. But uh, the night is young.

Tina: Hard pass. Dean.

Dean: Tina, we were hoping he’d show up tonight. And he has it’s a frat guy dressed as a giant tampon.

Jack: What up? Sigma.

Dean: Sigma. How are you tonight?

Jack: I’m chillin, bro. Sigma.

Dean: All right, sigma. Now I have to ask, how has the costume gone over?

Jack: I mean, the vibe I’m getting is like people were chill, laughter at us. Like, women who are like smart are disgusted by me.

Dean: Okay. And what’s next for you tonight?

Jack: I’ll probably get in some legal trouble or something. But my dad will handle that for me. So.. You know where I can score some coke?

Dean: I’m sorry. I don’t. Tina.

Tina: Not the last time we’ll be asked if we know where to get coke tonight. Now I’m here with a real highlight of the post Halloween scene. A guy who was in a group costume but lost his friends.

Bowen: My friends and I went as the village peoplem but I can’t find them. And now, everyone thinks I’m a real cop. I’m not. This is a squirt gun. It’s filled with tequila. I need my friends. Where are my friends?

Tina: Yikes. Dean?

Dean: Well, we heard a rumor she’d be making an appearance. It’s an impossibly drunk Dora the Explorer. And this was fun. She so- Whoa! Ha-ha. She’s so faded. She’s only saying one thing and it has absolutely nothing to do with her costume.

Dora: Tom Brady.

Dean: One more time.

Dora: Tom Brady.

Dean: All right. And why are you saying Tom Brady?

Dora: Tom Brady.

Dean: Okay, well, best of luck tonight. And I hope you find your pants. Tina.

Tina: Okay. Well, I don’t think he’s going to stop. But behind me you can see the sober middle aged man who is trying to walk his dog.

Sober man: Excuse me. Excuse me. People live here. Thank you.

Tina: Dean.

Dean: Well, here’s something you don’t normally see at 3AM. It’s a dad who clearly forgot to take his kid trick or treating earlier.

Kenan: Yeah, go and ask him for some candy.

Dean: Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t have any. Can I ask? Why you have a child out at three in the morning?

Kenan: You can ask Sheila. She texted me at 8PM saying I’m dropping them off. And I say not my weekend, Sheila. I’m getting my drink on right now, Sheila. And she says it is your weekend, which turned out it actually was. Anyway, we are here so it’s fine.

Dean: Okay, now what’s your child dressed as?

Kenan: Oh, he had Chipotle bag.

Dean: Wow, look at that. That’s so cool, buddy. Yeah. Oh, wow, Tina.

Tina: Wow, indeed. Well, we have to take a break. But we have so much more ahead, including trying to figure out if the guy behind me is dressed as Dahmer, or is an actual pervert.

Dean: I vote for pervert. Plus more with our bad dad.

Kenan: Hey, man. I’m a good dad. You know where I can get some coke?

Dean: I do not. Keep it right here.

PostCOVID Game Show

Lisa Something… Kate McKinnon

Derek… Jerrod Carmichael

Jennifer… Sarah Sherman

Victor… Bowen Yang

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Now it’s time for your favorite post COVID Game Show.

Collective voice: Is My Brain Okay?

Male voice: With your host, Lisa Something.

[Cut to Lisa in the game show set]

Lisa: Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to the game all of us play every day, Is My Brain Okay? Whether it was the year in isolation, the two years without any semblance of society, or the virus itself physically shrinking our brains. One thing’s for sure, we got stupid. Before we get started, let’s meet our contestants. Derek from Queens. What do you do before COVID?

Derek: I was a Marketing Director for IBM.

Lisa: Um-hmm. And what do you do now?

Derek: Mushrooms?

Lisa: I get it. I took a bunch before the show. Jennifer from Indianapolis, tell us fun fact about yourself.

Jennifer: Good. Thank you. How are you?

Lisa: Oh-oh. And Victor from New Mexico. How are you feeling today?

Victor: Tired for no reason.

Lisa: Terrific. Now, you all know how the game works. Every answer is something you definitely knew before COVID. But does your brain still remember it? Let’s find out. First question. What is this called?

[The screen shows a picture of a wheelbarrow. The contestants are thinking.]

Remember? somebody used to carry things?

Jennifer: Bicycle.

Lisa: No. Let’s see it in a back yard.

Derek: Form bicycle.

Lisa: No. Got a wheel in the front?

Victor: Wheel monkey. Oh, sorry. Sorry. We were looking for wheelbarrow.

Derek: I knew that.

Lisa: You did. You did know that in 2019. Now it’s just a farm bicycle. Okay, next question. What day of the week is it?

Jennifer: That’s easy. Tuesday?

Lisa: Nope. Not even close.

Victor: What is Thursday?

Lisa: And you don’t have to phrase it as a question.

Victor: No, no, I was genuinely asking what is Thursday?

Lisa: Derrick, what day of the week is it?

Derek: Okay. I remember that yesterday was my birthday. And my best friend texted “Birthday on a Friday night dog? What we doing to celebrate?” And I got so anxious I didn’t respond and went to sleep before 5PM. So today must be Saturday.

Lisa: Correct. Yes. And bonus follow up, Derek. What month is it?

Derek: June.

Lisa: Oh, sorry, we would have accepted. February, March, April or May. But let’s put 100 points on the board for Derek. Whoever has the most points at the end, we’ll have that number of stem cells injected into their brain in the hopes of… What’s the word? The thing you do with cars?

Victor: Tyres.

Lisa: No. When the battery’s dead? You gotta like–

Derek: Sell the car.

Lisa: No. What you do with the cable.

Jennifer: Wheelbarrow.

Lisa: No. Jumpstart. The stem cells will jumpstart your brain again. Dammit, what is with me?

Victor: You’re depressed.

Lisa: No, no, no, no, I wasn’t really asking.

Jennifer: You never felt more alone.

Lisa: Stop guessing.

Derek: You want to call your therapist but she blocked your number. [right answer bell]

Lisa: Oh my god. How did you know that?

Derek: You just give off that exact aura.

Lisa: All right, let’s give Derek 100 more points, which means he’s unlocked a bonus question that involves a mystery guest. [Another guy named Derek walks in] Derek, who is this?

Derek: Oh, that’s easy. That’s one of my best friends from college.

Lisa: Uh-huh. And what’s his name?

Derek: He was one of my best friends.

Lisa: You said that. What’s his name?

Derek: I know some regular like, Greg or Steve. Right?

Another Derek: We lived together for three years, man.

Lisa: Sorry, Derek. The correct answer is Derek.

Derek: We got the same name?

Another Derek: That was our whole thing made, D-one D-two.

Derek: Damn. That’s really bad, man. I’m sorry. We should go get a drink sometime. Like catch up.

[Red light’s over the set]

Lisa: Oh-oh! The sound of someone inviting a friend to drinks when they have no intention of ever getting drinks, means we’re out of time. Let’s go to the final question to determine if your brain is okay? Contestants write down your answers please. If you have to talk to a person, what’s a good way to start? And go?

[The contestants are writing. Jennifer is licking the table.]

All right, let’s let’s see your idea of how to start a conversation? Jennifer, I noticed you wrote with your tongue.

Jennifer: Well, there’s still still one variant I haven’t gotten yet.

Lisa: Wow. Jennifer said “Let me be inside you now.” And Jennifer who do you imagine saying that to?

Jennifer: Anyone from strangers to parents.

Lisa: Okay, I’m sorry. That’s incorrect. Your brain not okay. Victor, how would you start a conversation? Let’s see. “Heaven must be missing an angel because when I woke up there was a glowing figure hovering over my bed. I guess it could have been a ghost. I’m worried I’m losing my grip on reality. Ha-ha-ha.”

Victor: I’ve given the ghost a name Blue Bar.

Lisa: Okay, well that’s that’s very incorrect. Your brain is also bad.

Victor: Ha-ha-ha. When you talk, all I picture is the skeleton inside your head.

Lisa: Well, Mama. Okay. Derrick, it’s down to you and you wrote “If you set the clock ahead, you don’t have to be alive as long.” And you know something? You’re right, Derek.

Derek: Oh my god, I won?

Lisa: That’s right. You came up with a great way to minimize the time we’re awake and alive. And you can choose your prize, a two week all inclusive trip to Hawaii or you can go back to your apartment and stay there.

Derek: Apartment.

Lisa: They always say apartment thanks for watching “Is My Brain Okay?” If you got to ask, it’s probably not. Goodnight.

Home Repair Show

Gus… Kenan Thompson

Tommy… Kyle Mooney

Felix… Oscar Isaac

Carlisa… Ego Nwodim

[Start s with show intro]

Intro song: You thought you could fix it by yourself
plumbing’s just as easy as building a shelf
When your DIY become OMG
You’re in over your head.

[Cut to Gus in his set]

Gus: Well, hello, I’m Gus Vantant. And welcome to In Over Your Head, where we talk to folks who got a little overconfident taking on projects around the house. Sponsored by Thumb Ice. Did you whack your thumb with a hammer like a cartoon idiot? Numb the pain with Thumb Ice. Okay, our first guest is Tommy Dorian, who says he tried to install his own pool. Oh-oh! Come on in, Tommy.

[Tommy walks in. His hair and shoulders are wet.]

Tommy: Hi.

Gus: All right, well, looks like your hair’s still a little wet from the pool there, Tommy.

Tommy: No, that’s unrelated.

Gus: Okay, so tell us what was behind your thinking behind building your own pool?

Tommy: Well, my neighbor put one in. Hired whole crew and an architect, whole nine yards. I thought it’s basically a hole puts a hose, why overthink it?

Gus: And when did things go wrong?

Tommy: Almost immediately, Guss. My problem started when I tried to pour the concrete while I was still digging to save time.

Gus: Oh, wow.

Tommy: Oh, wow. That’s right. Cut to I’m up to my waist in hard concrete screaming, “Help, someone turn off the hose.”

Gus: So you were already running the hose?

Tommy: To fill the pool to save time. Yes. Had to have it open for New Year’s.

Gus: Well looking back, any regrets?

Tommy: I do wish I hadn’t punctured my septic tank. That’s a whole different kind of pool.

Gus: Thanks for coming, Tommy.

Tommy: Thanks for allowing me.

[Tommy walks out]

Gus: Well, our next guest thought he should “do his own electrical.” Please welcome Felix Cruz.

[Felix walks in. He has burn marks all over his body and face.]

Felix: Hello. Hey, Guys. Long time, first time.

Gus: You mean longtime watcher, first time guest?

Felix: No, first time electrocuted, long time it hurt.

Gus: So how did you decide to do your own electrical work?

Felix: Yeah, I keep telling my wife it’s just wires. Babe, it’s just wires. Honey, nothing’s gonna happen, it’s wires. You know when you see a guy diffusing bulbs in the movie, you think “I could do that.”

Gus: I’ve never thought that.

Felix: Well, I have. A lot. So I thought “What the hell? I’m gonna install my own circuit breaker.”

Gus:  Oh my god.

Felix: No, no, trust me. There is no God. Now, the whole idea of a breaker is to stop a power surge. Right? So I think I should start with the power dialed all the way up because that’s what I’m trying to protect myself against. Right?

Gus: That is very bad logic.

Felix: So, I got these thing cranked up higher than lightning. And I’m like trying to screw in the middle schools, right?

Gus: No, not right.

Felix: Cut to I fly so hard through a sheet of drywall that my scream physically detaches from my body and travels at a slower speed. Kind of like Peter Pan’s shadow detaching from his body.

Gus: Yeah, I get it.

Felix: So after I hit the steel support column, wiping out the entire first floor of my home, I am hit in the face by my own scream. It’s wild, right?

Gus: Yeah, wild. And what did you learn from all of this?

Felix: Gloves? You got you got to wear gloves?

Gus: Well, thank you, Felix.

Felix: Yes. Excited to get my check.

Gus: There’s no check. Alright. And final guest says that she’s been trying to repair her home for months. Please welcome– What? This can’t be right. My wife, Carlisa. [Carlisa walks in] Hey, baby. What you doing here?

Carlisa: Oh, just trying to repair my home. [pointing at Gus] This damn fool is out here pretending he’s a big expert. Meanwhile, his own house is literally falling apart.

Gus: Well, if you have a problem, baby, I’m happy to fix it.

Carlisa: With what? This is your toolbox. But that no tools in here though. It’s just cans of Blatz beer.

Gus: Ay, I’ve been looking for those.

Carlisa: There’s no tools in this whole goofy ass workshop. It’s just chocolate bars that look like tools.

Gus: Sometimes I get a little hobby.

Carlisa: Meanwhile, our toilet hasn’t worked in months. I opened the lid of the tank and saw this.

[There’s a picture of water container filled with ice and sausages.]

Gus: Well, you never know when you might need ice cold hot dog.

Carlisa: And then you snuck some crushed up peanut shells into our son’s lunch to try to prove that he was faking his peanut allergy.

[son walks in. His tongue is full of allergies blabbering and complaining, angry at Gus.]

Gus: Well, the important thing is that I trust you now. Okay. I still think he might be exaggerating a little bit.

Carlisa: Gus, what do you have to say for yourself?

Gus: Look, I think it’s pretty clear that I’m “In Over My Head.”

Carlisa: No, don’t you dare sing that damn jingle to me? No. This man sucked up a wasp nest with a vacuum and now he won’t even throw it away.

Gus: Listen, Dyson–

Carlisa: Idiot. You’re an idiot.

Gus: [giving her chocolate that looks like a tool.] You want some of this?

Nickelodeon Show

Nick Cannon… Chris Redd

Mark Summers… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Nick Cannon and Mark Summers in the show set]

Nick Cannon: Welcome to Behind the Slime. Look back at the history of Nickelodeon’s iconic green goo. I’m Nick Cannon, former star of all that.

Mark Summers: And I’m Mark Summers, former host of Double Dare, Super Sloppy Double Dare, and the Ill Fated Dirty, Nasty Hardcore Double Dare.

Nick Cannon: Ha-ha. America was introduced to Nickelodeon’s famous slime when the Canadian kids comedy show “You can’t do that on television.”

Mark Summers: Green Slime would rain down on anyone who said the phrase “I don’t know”. But as you’ll see, it took them a while to figure out the consistency.

Nick Cannon: Head’s up. This show was made in Canada so those kids are white as hell.

Mark Summers: Okay, let’s take a look.

[Cut to a video clip aired on March 20, 1980. Christina walks to Tracy.]

Christina: Hey, Tracy.

Tracy: Oh, hey, Christina. You get a Rubik’s Cube?

Christina: Not really. I’m colorblind.

Tracy: Wait, you’re colorblind? And your parents are divorced? No wonder you don’t have a boyfriend.

Nick Cannon: Again. This was from 1980 when TV was crazy.

Christina: You know, I’ve always wondered, who exactly is this Rubik guy?

Tracy: Huh! I don’t know. [Green slime falls on her head] Ow! Oh my god. That as like, concrete.

Christina: I can’t believe you said “I don’t know.” Oops! [a bucket falls on Christina’s head] Ouch! Geez. What was that?

[Becky Ball walks in]

Becky Ball: Hey, sorry. Little bastard kind of slipped out of my hands. Yeah, slime’s too damn thick.

Nick Cannon: Ha-ha. Fun fact, that woman with the busted his hair cut his slime’s creator, Becky Ball.

Mark Summers: Uh-huh. The early days also saw experimentation in the methods of sliming as seen in this clip from another early episode.

Nick Cannon: Ha-ha. You’re so damn funny, Suzanne Summers.

Mark Summers: Oh, it’s Mark. Mark Summers.

Nick Cannon: Ha-ha. Whatever.

[Cut to another video clip. Marcy walks to Craig]

Marcy: Hey, Craig.

Craig: Hey, Marcy. You know, this spider man comics got me thinking, you’d be a good superhero. Stuffs-her-bra Woman.

Marcy: Well, you can be my sidekick, the Incredible Homo!

Nick Cannon: 1980!

Craig: I prefer super Craig.

Marcy: Oh, and what’s super Craig superpower?

Craig: I don’t know. I guess– [green paint just bursts on Craig] Jesus Christ.

Marcy: Ha-ha. Looks like super Craig’s powers being slimed! [green paint bursts on Marcy too] Oh! why did they do it to me?

Craig: I don’t know. I mean, what’s happe– [green paint just bursts on Craig] Stop. Stop. Help me. Stop. Stop. Feels like needles in my face.

Becky Ball: Hey, I’m sorry about that little man. That issue is fixed and it won’t happen again.

[green paint just bursts again]

Craig: Please stop. We’re begging you.

Mark Summers: Huh! Well, This season second the last episode show the grammar of the slime we know today. But there were still some issues to iron out. Slime is one sticky business.

Nick Cannon: Ha-ha, hell yeah. Just like having 18 kids by 20 different women. I’m losing my head.

Abby: Hey Pat, hey Matt.

Matt: Geez, what’s wrong with you, Abby? Are you on your period or something?

Pat: Nah, she’s probably just upset because she’s adopted.

Nick Cannon: I mean, do I gotta say it?

Mark Summers:  1980.

Nick Cannon: They know, man.

Abby: I have a question. Are you dweebs ever not annoying?

Matt and Pat: I don’t know. [The slime fall on their heads]

Matt: Okay. Alright. Alright.

Pat: A little hard to breathe.

[it’s still pouring on them]

Matt: I know. I feel like you can stop.

Pat: What percent dead are we right now?

Matt: Is it okay to get it in your mouth?

Pat: Go ahead and stop probably. I think we can stop now.

Matt: I feel like you got it at this point.

Pat: Oh, god.

Matt: [yelling] Please, stop. Please!

Nick Cannon: After that episode, the slime time was shortened from six minutes to five seconds.

Mark Summers: Ha-ha. Stay tuned. After the break, we’ll be joined by one of the Petes from the Adventures of Pete and Pete spoiler, it’s Pete.

Nick Cannon: But not that one. Not the one you’re thinking about.

 

Dog Show

Judas Chrysler…Willem Dafoe

Miriam Jeans… Aidy Bryant

Jane Bosworth… Kate McKinnon

Mickey Bosworth… Punkie Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Fighters, barkers, humpers and shakers. Live from the Cujo arena, it’s the Bedminster dog show.

[Cut to Judas Chrysler and Miriam Jeans in their show set]

Judas Chrysler: Hello, I’m Judas Chrysler.

Miriam Jeans: And I’m Miriam Jeans. Dogs, they’re just like us. Some of them by kids.

Judas Chrysler: That’s correct. This show celebrates those canine freaks who prevent their owners from having company or intimacy.

Miriam Jeans: Today is for them.

Judas Chrysler: Here come on judges, Jane Bosworth and Mickey Bosworth.

Miriam Jeans: They run a desert based dog ranch that’s either an animal rescue or a hoarding situation.

Judas Chrysler: The dogs know not to mess with them, and frankly, neither would I. And here’s our first competitor. From the shaking group, it’s Luna.

Miriam Jeans: Now Luna hates the sound beat. And if she hears it, she will try and climb up to your hair. For her the 4th of July is a war. And the only safe space is behind the toilet.

Judas Chrysler: Luna is also scared of plastic bags, men in hats, pineapples, balloons, the Netflix startup sound, her owners being in two separate rooms, and this is embarrassing, the sound of spoken Spanish.

Miriam Jeans: And she also has what the vet calls tangy Vagina.

Judas Chrysler: A vet said that?

Miriam Jeans: Yes, she did. Let’s go to the judges.

Jane Bosworth: All right, tell us about Luna.

Owner: If her favorite blanket is not fluff correctly, she will cry real tears until I fix it. If my boyfriend comes home and he is near sitting me sitting on the couch, she will scream until he leaves. My life is hell and I miss my friends.

Mickey Bosworth: That’s good.

Jane Bosworth: Yes, take her around. No. No.

Mickey Bosworth: Don’t clap.

Jane Bosworth: Do not clap. If these dogs hear any sound, they will kill themselves.

Mickey Bosworth: Please do not clap.

Judas Chrysler: A reminder from the judges not to clap.

Miriam Jeans: Yes. And next from the mean group, it’s Pigeon.

Judas Chrysler: Pigeon is the sexual predator. He’s been banned from every dog park in the state of Nevada.

Miriam Jeans: The vet called him not welcome here and the groomer called him manipulative.

Judas Chrysler: Pigeon once tripped an old lady on purpose.

Miriam Jeans: His owner said quote “It looked like an accident but I swear to God, I saw him laugh.” Let’s check in with the judges.

Mickey Bosworth: Well, what is Pigeons daily routine?

Owner: Well, he wakes me up at five by biting my feet. Then he goes in the hamper, grabs my girlfriend’s underwear, drags it under the dining room table and barks aggressively.

Jane Bosworth: I see. And why did you choose this monster?

Owner: Oh, well, when we first got him he was so quiet. Turns out he was just traumatized. This is bad to say but I missed that version of him.

Miriam Jeans: Wow. Now, Judas, it says here that you and I are married. Isn’t that right?

Judas Chrysler: That is right. And now we do this.

Miriam Jeans: Ha-ha-ha. Yes. Well, from the non walking group, it’s Blueberry.

Owner: Sorry. Blueberry. Come on. Blueberry, please. I’m not picking you up. We flew here. Blueberry you grounded a flight.

Judas Chrysler: Blueberry once slipped on a tile floor and it permanently made him insane.

Miriam Jeans: Yeah. He will only poop in the middle of the street and he is medically unable to be in a car.

Judas Chrysler: And to be clear, blueberry can walk. He just chooses not to.

Miriam Jeans: Amazing, truly pointless.

Judas Chrysler: And lastly, from the Medical Group, it’s Gizmo.

Miriam Jeans: Now Gizmo has bad feet, bad skin, bad teeth, bad anal glands and a bad brain. The total package.

Judas Chrysler: He’s allergic to anything that is or isn’t duck. Judges squinting at something on his tummy.

Jane Bosworth: Alright. Can you tell us about his weird little penis?

Owner: Yes. His weird little dog penis is too big for his frame. So, when he bends down a certain way, it gets stuck outside his body for hours. And it dries out so won’t go back in. And it has to be lubricated and reinserted by veterinary several times a week. I hate saying that and I say it a lot.

Jane Bosworth: Thank you.

Miriam Jeans: Well?

Judas Chrysler: Looks like the judges are about to announce the winner. Let’s take a moment to thank our sponsor Thunder Shirt.

Miriam Jeans: Thunder Shirts, squeeze your stupid dog with Thunder shirt.

Jane Bosworth: The winner will take home the golden bathroom trash along with a lifetime supply of buffalo chicken bones from the sidewalk.

Mickey Bosworth: Yes. And the winner is Gizmo.

[cheers and applause]

Gizmo’s owner: No! No! Don’t get excited. Just put it back in. Aw! Gizmo!

Judas Chrysler: Hey, if you’ve got it, flaunt it.

Miriam Jeans: Yeah. Cut away. Goodnight.

Dionne Warwick Talk Show- Ed Sheeran, Dionne Warwick and More

Dionne Warwick… Ego Nwodim

Brittany… Punkie Johnson

Miley Cyrus…. Chloe Fineman

Dr. Nathan… Andrew Dismukes

Jason Mraz… Kieran Culkin

Ed Sheeran

Post Malone… Pete Davidson

Dionne Warwick

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: She’s an iconic singer and she’s always got a zinger. It’s the Dionne Warwick talk show.

[Cut to Dionne Warwick in her set]

Dionne Warwick: Wow. Yes. Hello. Hello. And welcome to the Dionne Warwick talk show. A show where I host and other people come here. And then they leave and so do I. Thanks as always to my producer and my niece Brittany.

[Cut to Brittany.]

Brittany: Love you aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Now, I’d like to start today’s show with a special announcement. I have some very personal news to share with all of you.

[music playing] [singing] Raindrops Keep falling on my head.
But that doesn’t mean my eyes will soon be turning red
Alright. Thank you. Thank you. Please welcome our first guest, Miley Cyrus.

[Miley Cyrus walks in]

Miley Cyrus: Hi, it’s awesome to be here.

Dionne Warwick: Yeah, alright. Yeah. You recently post topless for a magazine cover. That’s why I’d like to give you this Hussey award I made. [gives her the award] You are Hussey of the month.

Miley Cyrus: Oh, number one, Hussey. Yo. Oh, man. Thank you so much.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. You just did a duet with Elton John. So did Dua Lipa and a lot of other people. My question is, does he not have my number? Oh, mam. I’m not really sure mam, but I just want to say I’m such a huge fan of yours.

Dionne Warwick: Oh, thank you. So am I. So tell me, Miley, Dojacat. Is that a singer or a Pokemon?

Miley Cyrus: Yeah, she’s a singer.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Well, Cardi B. Why does she need the B? Was there another Cardi in the class?

Miley Cyrus: You know, these aren’t really about me.

Dionne Warwick: Sure. All right. Okay. I’ll try. Yeah, I understand that Hannah Montana is your nemesis. My Nemesis is Wendy Williams. Let’s make a pact to kick their asses.

Miley Cyrus: You know, Hannah Montana isn’t real.

Dionne Warwick: Alright, well, neither is Wendy Williams. Alright, Miley Circus. I’m done talking to you. Bye now. Yeah.

[Miley Cyrus walks out] All right. Now, for our important public health segment. We have a doctor here to give me my coronavirus booster live on air. Please welcome Dr. Nathan Ola.

[Dionne Warwick walks to Dr. Nathan] [music playing] [singing] Keep smiling…

Dr. Nathan: Hi, Ms. Warwick. Which arm do you– Alright let’s get that sleeve up and we’ll– Just get that sleeve up and we’ll go.

Dionne Warwick: That’s what friends are for. [Dionne Warwick walks back to her seat without getting the shot] Alright. I didn’t feel a thing. Now, for our next guest. This man is not famous anymore. He does not have any songs out. Please welcome Jason Mraz.

[Jason Mraz walks in]

Jason Mraz: Kind of a rough intro but yeah, I’m psyched to be here.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Now Mr. Mraz, you are about to go back on tour. My question is Rihanna. When she gonna drop the album? She too busy making panties or something?

Jason Mraz: I’m not sure how to answer that.

Dionne Warwick: Well, Kanye change his name to Ye. Is that after the sound people make when he leaves the room?

Jason Mraz: I’m sorry, can you ask me questions about me?

Dionne Warwick: Fine. Okay, what’s with the hat? If I took it off when I see your brain?

Jason Mraz: Okay, I’m gonna go. Thank you so much.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Let’s bring out our next guest, Ed Sheeran.

[Ed Sheeran walks in]

Ed Sheeran: Hi, Ms. Warwick. I’m really glad to be here.

Dionne Warwick: Of course, you are. Now you did a song called south of the border. My question is are you nasty?

Ed Sheeran: Yes. A little bit.

Dionne Warwick: Oh, good.  Cuz I think that’s healthy. Alright. You’re writing a song for the next season of Ted Lasso. So, what I’d like to know is what is Apple TV and how do you get it on a Dell computer?

Ed Sheeran: Is that the best question for me to answer?

Dionne Warwick: I don’t know. Shoot. All right. Did you know Ed Sheeran backwards is Dionne Warwick?

Ed Sheeran: I don’t think it is.

Dionne Warwick: I read that Elton John calls you every morning. Why would he talk to you and not me? Personally, I prefer to talk to me.

Ed Sheeran: Well, I mean, me and Elton are doing Christmas song together.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. All right. Well, apparently you and everyone else. Am I beefing with Elton John? Okay, you can go. Go on and go. Next up, I just want everybody to know I’ve learned my lesson that Machine Gun Kelly is too scary for me. So, I’ve invited a different man who I feel I’d be more comfortable with. Please welcome Post Malone.

[Post Malone walks in]

Post Malone: Hi, Ms. Warwick.

Dionne Warwick: No! No! No! Oh my god, it is worse. Get him out. You go. You gotta go.

[Post Malone leaves]

Oh my god. Much better. Much better. Brittany put that man in a cab back to Spooky Town, USA.

Brittany: I’m on it.

Dionne Warwick: I’m tired of interviewing people who are not icons. Please welcome me.

[The real Dionne Warwick walks in] [cheers and applause]

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Well, well. Hello.

Real Dionne Warwick: Hi, darling. I’m so excited for you that I’m here.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Alright. Well, let me ask you something. Why are you perfect?

Real Dionne Warwick:  Darling, I’m not perfect. I’m just very, very good.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Okay. Today I heard a song by an artist called Young Boy Never Broke Again. Why aren’t people just caught Burt Bacharach anymore?

Real Dionne Warwick: You know, that is an excellent question and I don’t know the answer, but I will keep tweeting until I find out.

Dionne Warwick: You know, why does it say you were booked to headline Doge Palooza, a Dogecoin Music Festival. My question is what is that? How does it work? Why would you do it? And can I come?

Real Dionne Warwick: Well to answer your questions, I don’t know. I don’t know. Because they paid me. And yes.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, Dionne. Would you like to sing a song for the people?

Real Dionne Warwick: Do they deserve it?

Dionne Warwick: They o. Why don’t you go ahead and grab your mic? Right? I think we should go ahead and do it.

[music playing]

Dionne Warwick and Real Dionne Warwick: [singing] What the world is now
love, sweet love
it’s the only thing
that there’s just too little love
What the world is now
love, sweet love
it’s the only thing
that there’s just too little love

Celeb School Game Show

Bert Simpson… Kenan Thompson

Trishelle… Punkie Johnson

Ryan… Andrew Dismukes

John Oliver… Mikey Day

Jennifer Coolidge… Chloe Fineman

Adam Driver… James Austin Johnson

Kristen Wiig… Melissa Villaseñor

George Takei… Bowen Yang

Lil’ Wayne… Chris Redd

Rami Malek… Pete Davidson

Pete Davidson… Rami Malek

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: It’s time for Celeb School with your host Bert Simpson.

[Cut to the show]

Bert Simpson: Hey, folks. I’m Bert Simpson, Bert Simpson. And you know the game. Two contestants try to win $10000 with a help from our classroom of celebs. Playing today are Trishelle and Ryan.

Ryan: Oh, wait. Are we not going to do intro banter?

Bert Simpson: Oh, no. You two are boring. Okay, from “Last Week Tonight”, it’s John Oliver.

John Oliver: Game shows. America’s dirty little obsession. Give me more game shows, daddy. More please.

Bert Simpson: Okay. From “White Lotus”, Jennifer Coolidge.

Jennifer Coolidge: Oh, jeez. Why am I here? I don’t know anything. Gosh!

Bert Simpson: Next, an actor who’s voice sounds like it’s been changed to protect his identity, Adam Driver.

Adam Driver: Hello. Excited to be here.

Bert Simpson: Well, you could have fooled me. We’ve also got funny lady Kristen Wiig

Kristen Wiig: Hey. Ha-ha-ha. Hey, Mr. Host man. Ha-ha-ha. Dumb. Why? Why did I say that?

Bert Simpson: Star Trek legend, George Takei.

George Takei: Hello.

Bert Simpson: George, I gotta ask. Are you gonna say it?

George Takei: That depends on how bad you want it.

Bert Simpson: Oh, very bad.

George Takei: Oh, my!

Bert Simpson: There it is! Okay, next to him we have rapper Lil’ Wayne.

Lil’ Wayne: Ahah! I like to vibe out. Weezy!

Bert Simpson: It’s the wrong game, Weezy. Okay, next, the star of “No Time To Die”, Rami Malek. [Rami Malek just stares at the camera] Okay. And finally from SNL, Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson: Wad up? Wad up? Yo! Do I have to sit next to Rami Malek? I mean his eyes are freaking me out. Like dude! Stop staring at me, man.

Rami Malek: I’m sorry. It’s just that people say we look alike. Maybe. I don’t see it. Maybe if I looked a little longer.

Pete Davidson: No, dude!

Bert Simpson: Okay. Ryan, Trishelle, you know how the game works. I give you a subject and you call on a celebrity student you think will know the answer. Ryna, you’re up first. Your subject is geography.

Ryan: Well, he has an accent and glasses which means he gotta be smart. I call on John Oliver.

Bert Simpson: Alright, John Oliver, Sweden is bordered by Norway and which other country?

John Oliver: Of course, you can’t talk about Sweden without talking about IKEA. [IKEA logo appears on right top corner.] Home of sketchy furniture and even sketchier meatballs. They’re not beef. Bad IKEA. Bad IKEA.

[buzzer sound]

Bert Simpson: John, your rant though amusing contained no answer. And please, no more over the shoulder graphic. Alright, Trishelle, you can steal.

Trishelle: Okay. Well, I’ll call on Jennifer Coolidge.

Jennifer Coolidge: Oh, jeez! Bad choice, sweetheart. Ah! I was in Europe once. I drank too much and passed out in a sauna like a dumb ass. Where was I? Finland?

[right answer bell]

Bert Simpson: That is correct. Trishelle takes the point. [a paper airplane hits Bert Simpson] Ay! You stop with the paper airplanes, Kristen Wiig.

Kristen Wiig: I didn’t throw anything. Ha-ha-ha. Why would you think I threw it?

Bert Simpson: Because you are half giggling and I saw you throw it.

Kristen Wiig: I’m sorry. I was just being weird. Sorry. Ha-ha-ha. I might do it again though. Is that bad?

Bert Simpson: Yes. Okay, Trishelle. Your subject is history.

Trishelle: Well, I don’t think he’ll know the answer because he is definitely high as hell, but I’m a fan. So, I call on Weezy.

Lil’ Wayne: Ha-hah! Yeah. I’d like to solve the puzzle. “What is that big fat ass?”

Bert Simpson: Once again, this is not “Wheel of Fortune”, nor is it “Jeopardy”. Are you ready for the question, Lil’ Wayne? [Lil’ Wayne is gone from his chair] And he’s gone. Does anybody know where he went? Rami Malek, did you see where Wheezy went?

Rami Malek: No. I’ve been staring at Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson: Argh! Please, make him stop. It’s like the soul of a victorian child is trapped in his eyes.

Bert Simpson: You’re not wrong, Pete. Okay, Trishelle, second choice?

Trishelle: I call on Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson: Pass!

Bert Simpson: You can’t pass, Pete. Okay, your question. Which revolutionary war battle was fought in your home town, New York City?

Pete Davidson: How would I know that? I mean, I went to school in Staten Island. And all of our classes were to prepare us to be firefighters or racist cops.

George Takei: Oh my!

Bert Simpson: George, you stay out of this. Alright, I need an answer, Pete.

Pete Davidson: I don’t know. I mean, can I just give Trishelle $10000 after the show? I mean, that would be easier.

Bert Simpson: No. Sorry. That’s not how the game works. Okay, Ryan, chance to steal.

Ryan: Okay, let’s go with Adam Driver.

Adam Driver: Good. Yes. Let’s have fun playing the game.

Bert Simpson: Adam. Which revolutionary war battle was fought in New York City?

Adam Driver: I don’t know. So, I’m not gonna answer the question.

Bert Simpson: Hey, calm down! Any of our other celebs think they know? George Takei has his hand up. You got an answer?

George Takei: No. I have a question. Why did William Shatner get to go to space and not me? Let Sulu go to the moon.

Bert Simpson: Sorry, it’s not up to me, George. And not that anyone cares, but the answer is the Battle of Brooklyn. Brooklyn.

[Lil’ Wayne walking in front of camera]

Lil’ Wayne: Yo, where did the plane go at?

Bert Simpson: That is “Price is Right”, Weezy. Okay, we’re gonna take a quick commercial break. Keep it right here. Ay, get back to your seat, Weezy.

Womens Talk Show

Ego Nwodim

Charlette… Cecily Strong

Dee-dee… Heidi Gardner

Maney… Aidy Bryant

Doctor… Owen Wilson

[Starts with the show intro] [Cut to the show stage. There are four women sitting at the table.]

Ego: Welcome back to The Talking where we discuss everything that women can have an opinion about at EgoEgo:Dee-dee0 in the morning. Later, we’ll talk about Biden’s infrastructure bills, but first, Crock Pot lasagne. This sounds gross to me. Anyone else?

Charlette: You know, I have a question. What’s an air fryer? What is it?

Dee-dee: Ladies, if something’s fried, I won’t eat it.

Ego: Dee-dee, don’t talk like that.

Maney : Now look, as you all know, my husband is very well endowed, okay? And he actually cooks dinner for us and he loves the air fryer.

Charlette: Okay, here’s what I don’t get. How does air fry something? How does air make it fry?

Maney : Charlette, none of us know. And I don’t really love how you asked that.

Charlette: How did I ask?

Maney : You have a lot of debt.

Charlette: How did I ask?

Maney : You have a lot of debt.

Charlette: How did I ask?

Maney : You have a lot of debt.

Ego: Okay. Okay. Ladies, moving on, the stock market.

All: Hmm.

Dee-dee: I like it.

Charlette: See, I do too.

Maney : I don’t know if you ladies know this but–

Charlette: Don’t say it.

Maney : Well, you don’t know what I’m going to say.

Ego: Alright, go ahead.

Maney : Okay. My husband is very well endowed

Charlette: Yea, you just said that.

Maney : Yea, your children are rude.

Charlette: You are a bad friend.

Maney : Yea, your children are rude.

Charlette: You are a bad friend.

Maney : Yea, your children are rude.

Charlette: You are a bad friend.

Ego: Ladies, please, enough. Enough.

[a doctor walks in]

Doctor: [to Dee-dee] Hello. I’m sorry. I need to inform you of your covid test results.

Dee-dee: Oh, hi. Here?

Doctor: Yes, ma’am. I just received them and this is where you are. So, I brought them here. I’m gonna have to confirm some information.

Dee-dee: Okay. Do we have to do this on air?

Doctor: Yea. It has to be on TV for HIPAA reasons. We either can’t tell anybody or have to tell everybody. No middle ground.

Dee-dee: Okay.

Doctor: Can I have your full name?

Dee-dee: Dee-dee Calresian.

Doctor: Correct. Date of birth.

Dee-dee: May EgoDee-deeth.

Doctor: May EgoDee-deeth what?

Dee-dee: Nineteen… eighty… two.

Ego: Damn Dee-dee, you’re younger than you look.

Dee-dee: Thanks! Wait. Hey!

Doctor: And what have you done in the last 72 hours?

Dee-dee: Like, in general?

Doctor: Yes.

Dee-dee: Came to work, googled myself. I don’t know.

Doctor: Very well. Unfortunately, your covid test came back positive. So, I’m afraid you’re going to have to come with me.

Dee-dee: No! Well, bye everybody.

Ego: Well, viewers, it looks like Dee-dee had a breakthrough case. It happens. Obviously we’ve all been vaccinated dozens, dozens, dozens of times.

Maney : Yeah, wow! Well, she is going to be sad to miss this next segment. Because today, we’re talking to the leader of the Vatican himself, the Pope.

Ego: No. Help me out here. Is it the Pope or da’ Pope?

Maney : I think it’s just Pope.

Charlette: I can’t keep up.

Ego: Well, look. In just a minute, Pope is gonna tell us about his foreign plans. Do you ladies switch your purse for fall? I don’t.

Charlette: I only switch for summer. Are we doing Halloween this year?

Maney : Yea, my tree’s up.

[Doctor walks in again]

Oh, okay. The man is back

Doctor: [to Maney ] Yea, ma’am, I need to speak with you to do some contact tracing. Have you been in contact with anyone who has had tested positive for covid in the past 72 hours?

Maney : Well, you just took Dee-dee away for having covid.

Doctor: Good memory. Can you confirm your name?

Maney : Yea. Maney Talkin.

Doctor: And your number of sexual partners?

Maney : Oh. Just one.

Doctor: Okay. That’s not what I have here.

Maney : I’m sorry. Could we go to commercial?

Charlette: Oh, they’re saying we ran out.

Maney : Of commercials?

Doctor: Well, the bad news is one of you ladies also tested positive but I understand you’re on live TV. So, I wanna be discreet about this. I think I’m just gonna put my hand on the head of the person who has covid.

[Doctor slowly puts his hand on Maney ‘s head]

Maney : Okay. Bye, everyone.

Ego: Wow! Well, this is very bizarre because I cannot stress enough how many times we’ve all been vaccinated.

Charlette: Countless times.

Ego: Well, let’s go on to our next topic, women buying their own engagement ring?

Charlette: I think the boy should buy it.

[The doctor walks in again and holds Charlette]

Well, sir?

Doctor: I’m sorry. We’re gonna have to remove you but I didn’t want to make a big deal of it.

Charlette: I’ve got covid?

Doctor: No. You have HPV.

Charlette: Does that mean I can’t be on TV?

Doctor: It does.

[Ego is alone on the table now]

Ego: Wow. Okay, well, looks like it’s just me now. Okay, wait, no. I’m getting word. Good news is they were false positives. Not the HPV though. See you next time!

The Muppet Show

Kermit the frog

Lily Tomlin… Melissa Villaseñor

Audience puppet 1

Audience puppet 2

Kenan Thompson

Keegan-Michael Kay

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Disley+, home of Wanda Vision, The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, and the up coming Hawkeye and his boring ass family. And now, the muppet show.

[Cut to show intro]

Kermit the frog: Thank you, thank you. I am Kermit the frog and once again, to the ‘Muppet Show’. You all having a good time?

[Lily Tomlin and Audience puppet 1 are two puppets at the audience]

Lily Tomlin: We were. But then you came out.

Audience puppet 1: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Kermit the frog: Our special guest tonight is the legendary actress, singer, write and comedian, Lily Tomlin. Yay!

[Audience puppet 2 walks in]

Audience puppet 2: Oh, please. Come on. Why do I say yes to stuff like this? I don’t know.

Kermit the frog: Wow! I can’t believe Lily Tomlin is here. Talk about a show stopper.

Lily Tomlin: Sounds great. I’d do anything for this show to stop.

Audience puppet 1: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Kermit the frog: Friends, our show tonight is going to be a blast.

Audience puppet 1: Yeah. Because it’s a bomb!

Lily Tomlin: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Two securities walk in]

Kenan: Hey! shut up!

Lily Tomlin: Finally, something entertaining is happening.

Kenan: Hey! Shut up!

Keegan: Not going to tell you again, fella!

Kenan: Just shut up.

Keegan: What happens next is up to you.

Kermit the frog: Okay. Tonight, an incredible stunt by Gonzo the great and stand up comedy by Fuzzie Bear.

Audience puppet 1: As in his comedy will make you  stand up and go get a refund.

[Two securities walk in again]

Kenan: Ay! What did I just say?

Keegan: What he just said, fellas?

Audience puppet 1: But the show is–

Kenan: We don’t give a hot damn about the show.

Keegan: We work for the venue.

Kenan: That’s right. And the venue has rules. They are printed on the back of your ticket. Follow them and we won’t have a problem.

Keegan: Everybody here paid a good money to hear this little dragon and his friends do their thing. So please, let them do their thing without talking.

Lily Tomlin: But the show is bad.

Keegan: You are more than welcome to leave.

Audience puppet 1: But–

Keegan: You are more than welcome to leave.

Lily Tomlin: We just–

Keegan: You are more than welcome to leave. Do you understand? Sorry for the interruption, Kramer.

Kermit the frog: Kermit the frog.

Keegan: Okay. Well, please continue.

Kermit the frog: Thanks. So, Lily, are you excited for the show tonight?

Audience puppet 2: Oh, I suppose. They asked me to do a ‘grace and frankie’ parody called ‘grace and piggy’. What is this? Why am I here? I don’t know what I’m doing.

Lily Tomlin: You hear that? She said she doesn’t know what she’s doing.

Audience puppet 1: Then she’ll fit right in.

[Keegan comes behind them]

Keegan: Y’all gonna learn! Y’all gonna learn!

[Keegan starts beating up Audience puppet 1. Kenan runs in to stop Keegan.]

Kenan: Alright. Alright. You’re going to kill him.

Keegan: Get your hands off me, man. I’m good. He’s over here being disrespectful.

Kenan: Just drink some water, man, and cool off.

Keegan: Okay. I’ll go get some water.

Kenan: Look, guys. I’m sorry. Alright? Obviously, I’m not a big fan of this show either. I mean, it’s a mess back stage. Dude with orange hair just blowing things up. Penguin and chicken turds everywhere. Too mad cap for my taste. But love it or hate it, no more heckling. Alright? We good?

Lily Tomlin: Yeah, sure. Your friend’s insane, by the way.

Kenan: I know. I know. You okay sir?

Audience puppet 1: My eyes are swollen. I can’t even see the stage!

Lily Tomlin: Don’t worry. You’re not missing much. Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Kenan starts beating up Lily Tomlin]

Keegan: You know what? You’re bounced.

Kenan: It’s time to go!

[Kenan and Keegan carry Lily Tomlin and Audience puppet 1]

Keegan: Snap! We didn’t realize you guys didn’t have no legs.

Kenan: Oh man, that is my bad.

Keegan: That’s on me, player. That’s on me.

Kenan: Sorry about that. We didn’t know y’all was veteran.

Keegan: Thank you for your service.

Kermit the frog: Would you guys keep it down up there? We’re trying to do a show.

Lily Tomlin: Yeah, trying and failing.

Kenan: Ha-ha. That one was actually pretty good.

Keegan: Y’all mind if I try one?

Audience puppet 2: Please.

Keegan: Hey, Kramer!

Kermit the frog: What?

Keegan: Hey, Kramer! You stupid!

All: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Keegan: That felt good.

Lily Tomlin: Good first effort.