Dionne Warwick Talk Show

Dionne Warwick… Ego Nwodim

Britney… Punkie Johnson

Harry Styles… Timothée Chalamet

Chef… Andrew Dismukes

Billie Eilish… Melissa Villaseñor

Timothée Chalamet… Chloe Fineman

Machine Gun Kelly… Pete Davidson

[Starts with the show intro]

Male voice: She’s one of a kind. She speaks her mind. A Grammy winner and the queen of Twitter, it’s the Dionne Warwick Talk Show.

[Cut to Dionne Warwick in her set]

Dionne Warwick: Hello. Thank you. Welcome to the Dionne Warwick Talk Show. Maybe you know me from my music or maybe you have heard that I just discovered Twitter and these are actual tweets I tweeted out. [A tweet appears at the bottom of the screen.] “Hi, @chancetherapper, if you are very obviously a rapper, why did you put it in your stage name? I cannot stop thinking bout this.” Or this. [Another tweet appears at the bottom of the screen.] “How do send a tweet to @SnoopDogg? Did I do this correctly?” Thank you as always to my producer, my publicist and my niece, Britney.

[Cut to Britney]

Britney: Oh, hi. Happy to be here, Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: Did Snoop Dogg reply?

Britney: Not yet.

Dionne Warwick: Dang. Alright. Okay. Now, for my standup monologue. [Dionne Warwick stands. There’s music playing.]

[singing] What do you get when you fall in love?
a guy with a pin that burst your bubble

Thank you. Thank you. Let’s bring out our first guest. Harry Styles.

[Harry Styles walks in]

Harry Styles: Ms. Warwick. You’re a legend. I can’t believe it. I’m such a massive fan.

Dionne Warwick: Yes. And who are you?

Harry Styles: I’m Harry Styles. I’m a singer. Sort of essential fashion man and you could say I do it for everyone. [winks at the camera]

Dionne Warwick: No, no. But where do I know you from?

Harry Styles: Maybe you know my song, “Watermelon Sugar.”

Dionne Warwick: What is watermelon sugar?

Harry Styles: Well, I think it’s just about summer but some people think it’s about oral sex.

Dionne Warwick: That’s nasty.

Harry Styles: But, on a woman.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, now I like your ass. I like you a lot. Alright. One last question, Harry Styles. Why is Windy Williams being a bitch to me? She started beefing and now she acting like she can’t finish.

Harry Styles: Oh. I’m sorry. I don’t know who Wendy Williams is.

Dionne Warwick: Oh. I knew I liked your ass. Okay. Alright. Thank you for joining us. That’s enough. Go away. Go away. [Harry Styles leaves] Alright. Go on. Britney, baby, it is exciting to be on TV.

Britney: Oh, yes. Just like when you were on Celebrity Apprentice.

Dionne Warwick: No, I wasn’t. I briefly worked for Donald Trump.

Britney: That was the show, auntie.

Dionne Warwick: I don’t remember it that way. Okay. Now for our cooking segment. [Dionne Warwick stands and walks to the kitchen side. There’s a chef there.]

[singing] Keep smiling, [Chef: Hi, Ms. Walwick] keep shining

[Chef: Today were–] you know you can always count on me
for sure

[Dionne Warwick picks up a dish and eats it.]

hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm

Oh, pretty good. Thank you.

[Dionne Warwick walks back to her couch. The Chef is ignored.]

Alright. Let’s bring out our next guest. Ms. William Eyelash.

[Billie Eilish walks in]

Billie Eilish: Hi. Yeah, my name is actually Billie Eilish. I’m a singer.

[singing] I’m a bad type, making mama mad type
I’m a bad guy.

Dionne Warwick: Mm, that’s wonderful. So, Kesha–

Billie Eilish: No. I’m Billie Eilish.

Dionne Warwick: No, I know. So, why does Kesha have a dollar sign? And also Sia with the wig, she got a nose job or something.

Billie Eilish: Are you just going to keep asking me about other people?

Dionne Warwick: Yes. Now, Billie Eilish, you’re spooky. Can you put a hex on Windy Williams for me?

Billie Eilish: I could try.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Thanks for coming.

[Billie Eilish leaves]

Okay. Our next guest has been making all my assistants blush. Timothée Chalamet.

[Timothée Chalamet walks in]

Timothée Chalamet: Oh, man. This is crazy. This is so cool.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. You seem young.

Timothée Chalamet: [laughing] Na. Na. Na. Na. [laughing] I guess.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, young man. That’s enough now. Help me with my phone. It is locked and I’m trying to send a clap back at Windy Williams. I just want to clap back.

Timothée Chalamet: Yes, yes.

[Timothée Chalamet takes the phone from Dionne Warwick and gives her his fist for a fist bump.]

Dionne Warwick: No, I don’t want to fist bump. Okay. You can take that back stage buddy. Alright, now.

[Timothée Chalamet walks out.]

Thank you for coming. Thank you for coming. Alright, next guest. Let’s welcome Machine Gun Kelly.

[Machine Gun Kelly walks in]

Machine Gun Kelly: Ae-yo. Wad up?

Dionne Warwick: No. That man is here to kill us.

Britney: No. It’s just his name, auntie.

Dionne Warwick: No. I don’t want to chance it, baby. Get him out of here.

Machine Gun Kelly: Alright. Whatever. Peace.

[Machine Gun Kelly walks out.]

Dionne Warwick: Phew! Much better. Alright. Okay, audience. We have come to the best part of the show. Everyone look under your chairs. Everyone gets a– [music starts]

[singing] Do you know the way to San Jose?

[The audience are looking under their chairs.]

Audience: There is nothing there.

Dionne Warwick: That’s right. I don’t owe you anything. Thank you for watching the Dionne Warwick Talk Show. Snoop, call me, baby!

Canadian News Show

Jean-Lawrence… Bowen Yang

Anne-Marie.. Kate McKinnon

Fred… Mikey Day

Awa-Sene… Issa Rae

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching CBC, Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. At nine, it’s “Schitt’s Creek” followed by the Shitt’s Creek reboot “Schartt’s Cavern”. But right now, you’re watching “Bonjour Hi!”

[Cut to Jean-Lawrence and Anne-Marie in their set.]

Jean-Lawrence: Bonjour Hi. Welcome to “Bonjour Hi”, the French Canadian morning news show live from Montreal, Montreal- the best parts of Canada and the worst parts of France. My name is Zoro Halls or John Larry. And as always, I’m joined by my beautiful cohost, Annagi.

Anne-Marie: Bonjour Jone.

Jean-Lawrence: Bonjour Hi. Now we do the bouncer. How was your weekend?

Anne-Marie: Well, I suffered an injury and I made love to a surf suley performer. I choke on the big scarf.

Jean-Lawrence: You’re always doing this.

Anne-Marie: Wait, but I went for surgery which was free, of course, and so is my new scarf.

Jean-Lawrence: Pretty. And today, we have with us our colleague from the south. He’s an American journalist quarantined in Canada because of covid, please welcome from Michigan, Jean-Fred.

Fred: Merci for having me. My name is actually Fred.

Jean-Lawrence: Go ahead, I said Jean-Fred.

Fred: No. Just Fred.

Jean-Lawrence: Please welcome Jean-Fred Desjardins.

Fred: Okay.

Jean-Lawrence: Let’s begin today’s update. Bar limits has proposed their controversial resolution for guaranteed universal basic income, but is this just an empty welfare promise? Anne-Marie, your update.

[Jean-Lawrence and Anne-Marie speaking in foreign language]

Jean-Lawrence: Jean-Fred, your thoughts?

Fred: Yes, or no. I’m sorry, I don’t speak whatever French this is.

Jean-Lawrence: [speaking in bad accent] Now, this time for our weekly segment with our Toronto correspondent, Awa-Sene. Awa-Sene, bonjour hi.

Awa-Sene: Bonjour hi. I am Awa-Sene and this is Drake Watch.

Jean-Lawrence: Yes. Our favorite part of the show where we find out if you saw Drake.

Anne-Marie: So, Awa, did you see Barack today?

Awa-Sene: No. This has been Drake Watch.

Fred: I’m sorry. That’s it? That’s the whole segment?

Awa-Sene: Oh, well, I thought I saw Drake but it was just my friend Aten. Aten looks a lot like Drake. And I was confused because he was crying in a basketball court.

Anne-Marie: Did you check anywhere else for Drake?

Awa-Sene: Yes. I almost found him this morning when I saw a man in a wheelchair. But then I remember Drake was only in wheelchair for potential [unintelligible]. So, it was not him.

Anne-Marie: Okay. Merci, Awa. Please keep us post if you see Drake.

Awa-Sene: Of course. This has been Drake Watch. [looking around using binoculars] Yoo-hoo. Drake?

Jean-Lawrence: What an exciting segment. Jean-Fred, do you like Drake?

Fred: I don’t know. I mean, he has kind of fallen off recently. .

[Jean-Lawrence starts shouting at Fred]

Anne-Marie: Jean-Host, do not blow your guest, please.

Fred: How is this a news show?

Jean-Lawrence: And now it’s time for the traffic report.

Anne-Marie: Oh! [puts a cigarette in her mouth] Today I was driving to work in my Pugeot [unintelligible] bridge. I took a left on [unintelligible] and then I parked in [unintelligible] parking garage and traffic was bad.

Jean-Lawrence: Great traffic report.

Fred: You can smoke in the studio?

Jean-Lawrence: Oh, here another, we have a breaking news story and we must start right away.

[Cut back to Awa-Sene]

Awa-Sene: Bonjour Hi, I am at the top of the [unintelligible] tower with a dramatic development in the search for Drake.

Anne-Marie: Oh, Drake is there?

Awa-Sene: No, Drake is not here.

Fred: Then why are you there?

Awa-Sene: Oh, as you can see on the cover of his famous album ‘Views’, Drake [unintelligible] in this very location. So, I thought I should check. But [unintelligible]

Fred: And that’s breaking news?

[Jean-Lawrence starts shouting at Fred again]

Awa-Sene: It is okay. I will continue to follow the [unintelligible] of Drake. I am like famous Canadian actress Rachel McAdams in the film “Spotlight.”

Jean-Lawrence: Rachel McAdams, a beautiful girl.

Anne-Marie: Beautiful girl.

[music playing]

Jean-Lawrence: Ah! We are almost out of time. Thank you to Jean-Fred. Please accept our gift of famous Moguel big weird bagels.

Fred: Oh, okay. These are bagels? Why is everything 25% different here?

Anne-Marie: We say it taste better with the big hole.

Jean-Lawrence: Yes, lick the cream out of the big hole. Since I’m young, I eat the big while hole this wya.

Awa-Sene: Jean-Fred, stick your face, go down on the big hole.

[Fred licks the food]

Fred: I regret doing that on camera.

Jean-Lawrence: Well, it is time to say bye to “Bonjour Hi”. We’re set to go but–

[Jean-Lawrence and Anne-Marie walks front]

Jean-Lawrence and Anne-Marie: That’s the way it is.

[singing] Don’t give up on your faith
and that’s the way

The Drew Barrymore Show

Drew, Reese Witherspoon, Nicole Kidman… Chloe Fineman

Linda… Punkie Johnson

Tom Green… Alex Moffat

Billy Porter… Kenan Thompson

[starts with a show intro]

Male voice: There’s a new face in Daytime.

Drew: Hello to all my beautiful wild flowers.

Male voice: After seeing what went down with Ellen, we took a hard turn in the other direction.

Drew: I am just like you. A Bo-ho free spirit mommy mother movie star since I was six.

Male voice: It’s the Drew Barrymore show.

Drew: How do you do?

Male voice: Tune in to see her have a blast by herself in a big empty studio.

Drew: Holy, moly, oly.

Male voice: Watch as she connects to her Zoom audience.

Drew: Thank you for being my VFF. Virtual Friends Forever.

Male voice: Drew gives back to worthy families in the best way she can.

[Drew is talking to Linda via Zoom in her show]

Drew: How are you holding up?

Linda: You know, it’s been tough. My husband and I are working from home. And we have almost $50,000 in hospital bills.

Drew: I feel that, Linda. And that’s why we’re paying… to renovate your walk in closet! Yay!

Linda: My what?

Male voice: And don’t worry about her being mean to the crew. [Drew runs towards her cameraman to hug him, but he is trying to avoid her.] They say he maintains eye contact too long and is too emotionally supportive.

Drew: I’m a hugger.

Cameraman: No!

Drew: Okay.

Male voice: Be the third wheel in a celebrity catch up.

[Drew is on her show with Reese Witherspoon]

Drew: My best friend Reese Witherspoon, the best woman on earth.

Reese Witherspoon: Girl, you are literally a mom here.

Drew: I marvel at you.

Reese Witherspoon: I love you more than Oprah.

Drew: I love you.

Reese Witherspoon: I love you so much, I want to come into your room and murder you with a butter spoon.

Male voice: Get Drew’s take on the news.

Drew: Hot off the press, brushing your teeth is a game changer.

Male voice: And stay tuned for a harrowing catch up between Drew and her ex-husband Tom Green.

[Drew is on her show with Tom Green]

Drew: It’s been what? 15 years?

Tom Green: Yeah. Daddy, would you like some sausage?

Male voice: You want guests? Drew texts everyone in her phone and interviews whoever shows up.  Like, Nicole Kidman.

[Drew is on her show with Nicole Kidman]

Drew: Thank you for for allowing me to be on your show.

Nicole Kidman: Drew, this is your show.

Drew: Oh my god. Thank you.

Male voice: At least someone’s enjoying 2020.

Drew: And now sensual homosexual Billy Porter singing to a flower.

[Cut to Billy Porter singing to a flower. He is wearing high heels.]

Billy Porter: [singing] Edelweiss
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Is this happening? Or am I kind of high?

Male voice: The Drew Barrymore show. You’re in your bed anyway. Just watch it!

Stories from the Show- SNL At Home

[Starts with different videos of news reporting about “SNL At Home.”]

Man: Getting to laugh his weekend, tune in to SNL. It is going remote.

[Cut to another news]

Man: Saturday Night Live returns with all new episode from home.

[Cut to another news]

Woman: It’s going to be fascinating to see them in their element in their home.

[Cut to another news]

Man: I can’t wait to see how they pull that off.

[Cut to Pete Davidson at home.]

Pete Davidson: Initially, I was like, “Oh, man. This is going to suck.” [laughing] [Cut to “Stories From The Show- And SNL Series” video bumper.] [Cut to the ending of Daniel Craig’s SNL episode.] [audience cheering]

Daniel Craig: I’m Daniel Craig. This has been Saturday Night Live. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Cut to Mikey Day at home.]

Mikey Day: That last show, it didn’t feel like, we wouldn’t be coming back. There was no indication that that would kind of be out live show season finale.

[Cut to Pete Davidson.]

Pete Davidson: I think I got an email that was just sent to everybody and they were like, “Hey, we’re going to do it at home now.

[Cut to Mikey Day.]

Mikey Day: I remember being a little perplexed as to how we would do it.

[Cut to Anna Drezen at home.]

Anna Drezen: SNL’s so much chaos. So, one sort of grounding force we have is the audience.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim at home.]

Ego Nwodim: We do a multi cam live sketch show. So, we feed off of the studio audience.

[Cut to a part of a news sketch ‘Mid-Day News’ with Phoebe Waller-Bridge.]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: The suspect described as a white male–

Kenan Thompson: Whooow!

Ego Nwodim: Love it!

[Kenan and Ego doing high-five.] [Cut to Kenan Thompson at home.]

Kenan Thompson: The show has always been at 8H. We’ve always done it at 30 Rock.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: But if everyone else is in, I am in and I’m excited. Coz what else am I doing? I’m home.

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: This equipment would arrive at our house. And we’d be like, “What is this? I guess there’s a sketch involving a green screen.” [Cut to Mikey Day fixing camera and his green screen] So, now we have a green screen.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: For the first show, we did a Zoom table read.

[Cut to SNL Table Read show.]

Kenan: I hope you guys enjoy our table read here and we’ll see what we come up with on Saturday. This is crazy.

[Cut to Ego Ngodim}

Ego Nwodim: And one of the sketches we read at the table was the dating show.

[Cut to Beck Bennett from the sketch “How Low Will You Go?”]

Beck Bennett: Hello and welcome to “How Low Will You Go?”

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: The most surreal moment, there was a dating show. I got up and stood on the side of my little computer area waiting for my cue as they were doing the sketch on Zoom. And it feels kind of like, the normal show, you’re waiting for your cue.

[Cut to Mikey Day from the sketch “How Low Will You Go?”]

I just remember having a distinct moment thinking like, “I will remember this forever.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner setting up the equipments at her home.]

Heidi Gardner: You’re setting up a ring light and the green screen and all these things that you don’t usually do. So, then by the time you’re shooting the thing, you’re just overwhelmed.

[Cut to Anna Drezen]

Anna Drezen: It was also crazy because our first show back, Hal Willner died.I just like, can’t picture working on the sketch without talking to him. It was very difficult.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: This was challenging. It was hard but we were in it together. And that was really nice.

[Cut to Bowen Yang at home]

Bowen Yang: For the SoulCycle sketch, my next door neighbor yelled lines in response to my lines.

[Cut to Bowen Yang from the sketch SoulCycle from home.]

Bowen Yang in sketch: It’s crazy to think that people can be watching this anywhere from Los Angeles to California.

[Cut to Bowen Yang]

Bowen Yang: I heard my neighbor say, “Los Angeles is in California.” Like, they didn’t get that I was shooting a sketch. I knocked on their door. I was just like, “We’re shooting this thing. I apologize. It won’t happen again.” But maybe it will happen again in two weeks.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Pete Davidson: The first thin I did was I did the Drake song and the Andre 2000 song. It was super weird. We would go outside and dance in the middle of the street. And then like, my neighbor would come and get his mail and just look up. And I’d be like, [smiling] “SNL at home. Ha-ha-ha.”

I had this other song that I was working on that I just on a whim sent to Sandler, and he ended up liking it. And then, he was just like, “I’m gonna do a verse on this.” And I was like, “Holy [bleep]. This is crazy.” And that is, by far, my favorite SNL moment that I’ve ever had for sure.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner.]

Heidi Gardner: It got better as the weeks went on.

[Cut to a sketch “FaceTime with Rudd”]

Mandy: Hello?

Paul Rudd: Mandy?

Mandy: Yeah. Mandy.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner.]

Heidi Gardner: I guess slowly, things just stopped being as overwhelming.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: And then the second one, we cranked it up a notch because now we had time to send wigs out and send costumes and it was obvious in that second episode.

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: I guess one of the best part was how our families got involved. My 7-year-old son, he would be in our read through.

[Cut to SNL cast having Zoom meeting. Mikey Day’s son is with him.]

Mikey Day on meeting: It’s hard on them too.

Mikey Day’s son: Like this bitch knows anything.

[everyone laughing] [Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: We worked on this dad prank sketch.

[Cut to clips from the sketch ‘Dad Prank.’]

I wrote him a thank you. Right now, it’s just kind of annoying to have to go up and shoot and stuff. But when you’re older, I think you’ll think it’s pretty cool that you got to be a part of this show.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: Watching my daughter watch herself in my intro on the show, she was just beaming. She just couldn’t stop smiling. I mean, I could have cried watching that.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson with his daughters waving ‘bye’ at the camera] To see what you do immediately impact your child like that, that was a very touching moment.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: At home episodes sort of felt like, we got a job to do here. And it just sort of felt like an experimental thing.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: Specially when Brad Pitt said it like, “Live–

[Cut to sketch with Brand Pitt.]

Brad Pitt: — kinda’, from all across America, it’s Saturday Night.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: It’s like, “Okay, we’re getting a glimpse into an invincibility with this show.” Like, whether we do it at 30 Rock or not, I think we can figure out a way to get it done.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: For the “Dreams” sketch, I didn’t know what everyone else was doing.

[Cut to Kent Sublette at home]

Kent Sublette: I had been reading an article about  COVID dreams and how intense they were to people and I’d had some myself. So, I started to think what would it like to see dreams of the cast? What they miss and you know, maybe we all sort of miss about New York?”

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: The director Paul Birganti directed over Zoom.

[Cut to Paul Birganti directing over Zoom.]

Paul Birganti: And action!

[Cut to Bowen Yang]

Bowen: We did a read through of it. After we finished it, all of us just looked at each other’s little tiles on Zoom and we were silent. And then I remember breaking the silence by being like, “I hope everyone has a good summer.”

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: Seeing the city and us being digitally put into the city was kind of bitter sweet and sad, but at the same time uplifting, seeing us all together again.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: I guess we just never thought that we would get to a point where we wouldn’t be able to have New York, walk in Time Square, be bumped into on 5th Avenue or any of that. It was very emotional.

[Cut to Bowen Yang.]

Bowen Yang: The show was a nice reminder that this was still possible. That it was still possible to sort of be there for each other, even though we were so seperate.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Getting to watch that episode from the comfort of my home in New York made me feel so connected to the city.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner]

Heidi Gardner: Coming off the elevator Saturday night and seeing a neighbor who was like, “Are you going to watch your show?” And I was like, “Yeah. Are you going to watch it?”

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: I am waiting for us to be able to get back in 30 Rock. Oh, man. I wish I could get a goodnight’s hug right now.

[Cut to Bowen Yang]

Bowen Yang: I can’t wait to go back. I can’t wait to go back and see everybody.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Pete Davidson: I’m really like, grateful that we had those three shows. I won’t forget and I’m appreciative to have been a part of it.

[Cut to a clip of SNL casts on Zoom meeting.] [Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: What I want to say is we’ll get through this thing together but we’ll also come out on the other side with a little more compassion and appreciation for our world that we live in, you know? Show some more love to each other, show some more love to our planet. That’s all I can hope for. Peace.

SNL Stories from the Show- Unreleased (Eddie Murphy, John Mulaney and More)

[Starts with “Stories From the Show- An SNL Series” intro] [Cut to John Mulaney]

John Mulaney: Josh Brolin, when he hosted, Sarah Palin came on, which was the same night that Will Forte first submitted ‘Fart Face.’

[Cut to a short clip from the sketch ‘Fart Face’]

Bill Hader: Given name is Carl but he likes to be called Fart Face.

[Cut to John Mulaney]

John Mulaney: So, at dress, the sketch does terribly.

[Cut to a short clip from the sketch ‘Fart Face’]

Bill Hader and Will Forte: [yelling] Fart Face! Fart Face! Fart Face!

Josh Brolin: No! Oh, god, no!

[Cut to John Mulaney]

John Mulaney: But it gets in. Everyone has a sense everyone in America is watching. And then, Josh Brolin, he’s looking up here at the bleachers like this. [looking up] And he’s just nodding at them. And he looks at Forte and Bill and he goes, “Let’s shut these [bleep] up.” And that was the Emmy episode.

[Cut to Will Ferrell]

Will Ferrell: They’re not really pranks. We did a lot of stuff waiting for Lorne at the read-through. Coz, you know, you’re always waiting a little bit and so, we sang ‘happy birthday’ for him when it was just not his birthday. He was like, “Oh, good. Thank you.” But he kind of was smiling. I think– yeah. [laughing] [Cut to Eddie Murphy]

Eddie Murphy: There wasn’t a screen test. There was a series of audition. The first time I came here was just Neil Levy. Just me and Neil in his office, and he said, “Make me laugh.” And he sat back and I did my stick. And luckily coz I was doing standup already– See, I think a lot of actors come, somebody say, “Make me laugh,” and you don’t have an act, it might be pretty daunting. I did Muhammad Ali and Howard Cosell and Jimmy Carter. That’s how long ago it was. Jimmy Carter impression. And I did Bill Cosby. And he didn’t laugh at all. He just kind of sat and looked at me and said, “Thank you.” And then I left. I was like, “I guess I didn’t get it.” Then couple of weeks later, they call me and said, “Come in, we want to see you again.” Then I went back. This time, it was two people in a row. And they said, “Make me laugh” again. And I did the same thing again. And they said, “Thank you.” Then another week or two went by and they called me back again. And then I went. It was Liz Welch, Neil Levy and Mike Zanella. He was one of the producers on the show. And they said, “Make us laugh.” And I did all my stuff. Mike Zanella was in back and he did like this. [laughing unimpressively with one exhale.] That was my big laugh. That was the big laugh of the three auditions.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: We did a sketch called “Block Buster” where I played like, a hobo woman. And we literally shot all day and all night until about 7:30 in the morning. And then had to be back here at noon. So, the turnaround was horrible And I basically slept here as if it was my home. And then washed my hands and feet in the sink. Like, I’ve mostly used this space to recoup in some way. I think when people think of ‘SNL,’ they think of people doing coke, and mostly it’s me sitting right here with a blanket on.

[Cut to “Stories From the Show- An SNL Series” outro]

Big Papi Cooking Show

David “Big Papi” Ortiz… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with “Big Dominican Lunch” intro]

Male voice: And now it’s time for Big Dominican lunch with Big Papi [foreign language] [Cut to Kenan in his home kitchen]

David Ortiz: Bienvenido. Yo, soy former baseball slugger, David Ortiz. And if you’re like me, you want a big Dominican lunch. Now, you might be saying to yoursekf, “Big paip, how’d you going to make a big Dominican lunch when it’s quarantine? And you can’t get things like mofongo, habichuela con bistek, camarones con pimientas frita and you can barely find any wasakaka con quesco frito.” That’s why you gotta learn to improvise, man.

So, today we’re making a very simple dish with just a few things I found lying around the house.  It’s called sancocho conpollo jahom carne molida cochinillo pierna de cordero langosta espinosa manos de mono lengua de ballena. You know, the stuff in everybody’s pantry. And speaking of pantries, I should mention today’s sponsor, Esploded can of beans. “Esploded can of beans. You got a can of beans that you found on the floor and not it’s exploded? That might be a bad sign, bro. You might want to throw that away before those beans explode inside of you.”

And have you been washing your hands like, a thousand times a day? Well then you’re in Pure hell. [a copy of Purell] “Pure hell, why is my skin just like a bunch of dust?”

Okay, time to make our seven meat sancocho, the dish that Peta calls “a genocide.” I got a professional overhead camera set up too so you can see exactly what I’m cooking. It’s just an iPhone duct taped to the ceiling.

[the iPhone falls into the cooking pot.]

Oh, dammit, man!

Okay, step one, you’re going to need a big ass pot. That’s why you need to call my Puerto Rican cousin ‘Big Bunny.’

[Cut to Big Bunny]

Big Bunny: Ola. I’m Big Bunny. I sell big ass pots. Do you need a pot that can hold 22 different animals, even big ones like llama and yak? Then call Big Bunny’s big ass pots.

And now, I am also selling sweatpants. Are you going to give a work presentation on Zoom but you’re worried your boss will see your penis? Try sweatpants. It’s better than nada.

Oh, Big Papi, you’re looking pretty fly these days. What is your secret?

David Ortiz: I got shot. Okay. Thank you so very much for coming on this show, cous. We’ll see you later. Give it up for Big Bunny, everybody. Okay. That was step one. Buy a big ass pot. Step two, cook everything in the pot. Ay, okay. That’s our show man.

Male voice: On the next episode…

David Ortiz: We’re going to make chicken pot pie. First, you eat a chicken. Then you smoke a little pot, and then you eat a whole pie. On “Big Dominican Lunch” with Big Papi.

Daytime Show

Deirdre… Aidy Bryant

Cookie… Ego Nwodim

Clyde… Daniel Craig

Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with “The Deirdre Show” intro] [Cut to Deirdre]

Deirdre: Welcome back to “The Deidre Show.” My guest co-host today is a legendary diva of song. She’s got dozens of hit records like, “Oh, that man,” and “Let me tell you ’bout Christmas.” And she is back in the news because she hit a train with a car. Please welcome Cookie La Flute.

[Cookie walks in] [cheers and applause]

Cookie: Hello, Deirdre.

Deirdre: Oh, Cookie, we are so glad to have you back. Isn’t that right, audience?

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: Yes.

Heidi: We love you, Cookie.

Kenan: Go, Cookie.

[Cut to the set]

Cookie: Oh, thank you. You know, it’s like I always say, “Where am I, who are you, the pleasure’s all your’s.”

Deirdre: Wonderful. Well, as you know, this week is finger week on our show. And today, we’re gonna make some finger food. Sound good, Cookie?

Cookie: Oh, I’m starving. Let’s get to it.

Deirdre: Okay. Well, joining us today is a celebrity chef from London who’s gonna teach us how to make American appetizers. So, please welcome Chef Clyde.

[Chef Clyde is ready on his cooking table] [cheers and applause]

Clyde: Hello. Hello.

[Deirdre and Cookie walk to Clyde]

Cookie: Hello.

Clyde: I hope you’re hungry, but only a little coz today it’s all about hors d’oeuvres.

Cookie: Okay, now. That is French.

Deirdre: Yes, for hors d’oeuvres.

Clyde: That’s right. I’ve got tons of them in my new cookbook, “The Hungry Divorcee.” Now, we’re starting off with one of my favorites which is these little mini quiche here.

[Clyde gives them a tray of quiches.]

Deirdre: Okay. These are so cute. Thank you.

Cookie: Ooh, I’ma eat this in one bite.

Clyde: Well, don’t eat the foil.

Cookie: [thinks for long] What?

Clyde: The aluminum foil on the– It just– Just don’t eat the foil. That’s–

Cookie: I don’t wanna eat the foil.

Clyde: Alright. That’s gonna make you choke.

Cookie: Don’t eat the foil? Who is this man?

Clyde: Ha-ha. So, the next thing I wanna talk about is guacamole.

Cookie: Look at this man. Look at this man. “Don’t eat the foil.” Are you all seeing this over here?

[Cut to the audience]

Heidi: Yeah Cookie, we see it.

Kenan: Get him, Cookie.

[Cut to the set]

Clyde: You know what Ms. La Flute, I’m sorry about the foil. I feel like we got off on the wrong foot. I just didn’t want you to scratch your mouth, you know? You need it for singing, don’t you?

Cookie: I don’t eat foil. I don’t eat foil.

Deirdre: Okay, Chef Clyde, how about we slide on down to the next food?

Clyde: Yes. Cookie, I think you’re gonna love my pigs in a blanket.

Cookie: You know, I love pigs. And you know, I love me some blankets.

Clyde: Okay, great. So, that’s so easy to throw together–

Cookie: You know, I can’t get over this foil thing.

Clyde: Well, Cookie, I mean, you like mustard–

Cookie: “Don’t eat the foil.” Legends don’t eat foil, boo. What do I look like? Huh? What do I look like? Y’all, do I look like Bobo the Clown?

[Cut to the audience]

Heidi: No, Cookie, you look hot.

Kenan: Kill him!

Deirdre: Okay. Chef Clyde, how about another food?

Clyde: Oh, good idea. Good idea. So, if you like eggs at room temperature, you’re gonna love these. Deviled eggs.

Deirdre: Oh, Cookie, let’s try one.

Cookie: Okay, sure. But sir, aren’t you scared?

Clyde: Scared of what?

Cookie: Aren’t you scared that I’m gonna eat the spoon? Tell me not to eat the spoon as if I’m not a famous singer. Pissing me off!

Clyde: I don’t think you’re gonna eat the spoon.

Cookie: You know your little foods. I’ve been famous for over 25 years. I eat big foods.

Clyde: I’m sure you eat very big foods.

Cookie: You know, once a year in November, I cook a big turkey and I invite over people I love have some. That’s how good I can sing.

Deirdre: And that sounds like Thanksgiving.

Clyde: Okay, well, before my time runs out, I just want to shout out to–

Cookie: You know, don’t nobody want your foil, okay? Tiny man with tiny food who can’t even sing. Give your guests a steak, you queer!

Deirdre: Oh! No, Cookie, no.

Cookie: I can say it. Please, I can say it. My husband is gay.

Deirdre: Okay. Okay. We’re gonna have to wrap this up. Audience, did we lose you?

[Cut to the audience]

Heidi: Absolutely not.

Kenan: We love this.

Cookie: You know what? I wanna get the whole taste of this thing out of my mouth. [Clyde pulls out a gum] All your food looks disgusting.

[Clyde eats a whole stick of gum with the foil paper.]

Clyde: Oh, you–

Deirdre: Did you–

Cookie: Why y’all looking at me like that? It’s just a gum. You know, shiny, tastes like coins, sparks when you chew it.

Deirdre: Okay, well that’s our show. Bye-bye.

Irish Dating Show

Aden Kilkenny… Beck Bennett

Nial… Bill Hader

Eileen… Kate McKinnon

Molly… Aidy Bryant

Diobhan… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Hi there, you’re watching Ireland One, the only channel on telly not controlled by the bleeding British. Next up, it’s our number one dating show, “Kiss Me, I’m Irish.”

[Cut to Aden Kilkenny walking to the game stage]

Aden Kilkenny: Hi. Welcome to Kiss Me I’m Irish. I’m your host Aden Kilkenny. Today, one fellow will choose between three Irish roses to see which one smells the sweetest. Let’s meet our Danny boy.

Nial: [strong Irish accent] I’m called Nial. I’m from Dangle. My favorite food is gray. My claim to fame is that I’ve punched Bono in the back of the head. At least I think it was Bono.

Aden Kilkenny: Better be safe than sorry. And what kind of girl re you hoping to meet?

Nial: Not to be too picky but a gal I suppose. Unmarried.

Aden Kilkenny: Well, you’re in luck. We’ve got three of them behind that wall there. Each one is beautiful as their skin is bright red under their makeup. Let’s meet them.

Eileen: [strong Irish accent] Hi. I’m Eileen. I’m a good catholic girl which means I love god and god hates me coz I’m thinking impure thoughts about you.

Molly: Hi, I’m Molly. I’m Irish American. But I live over here because I’m studying stones. And if you follow this rainbow, you might get a pot of gold.

Diobhan: [strong Irish accent] I’m Siobhan. I’m from Dylan. I’ve got 35 suspicious freckles in my body. But I’m looking for a guy to check the ones I can’t see.

Nial: I’ve got a cousin Siobhan from Dylan. Siobhan O’Conor.

Diobhan: Ay! That’s me.

Nial: Is it now? What are the chances?

Molly: Cousins? Well, it sounds like my chances just got a little better.

Aden Kilkenny: What are you saying, Nial? First impression of the girls?

Nial: Well, number three is my cousin. So, she is definitely off to an early lead. The contestants one and two, I’m open to learn more about you.

Aden Kilkenny: Oh, seems like there’s some competition. Nial, what’s your first question?

Nial: Call me old fashioned, but I like a girl who knows her way around the kitchen. Number three, what would you make me for supper?

Molly: Um, wait. The cousin is still playing?

Diobhan: That’s easy. I’d make our Nana’s famous pope’s pie. I know how much you loved it as a kid.

Nial: Great answer.

Eileen: I’m sorry but this is ridiculous.

Molly: I know. Right? Like, what is going on?

Eileen: She’s got such a leg upon us coz they’re cousins. How are we supposed to compete with that?

Molly: Okay. That was not what I was gonna say.

Aden Kilkenny: Alright. Settle down. Plenty of bachelors on the show. I’ve picked a girl other than their non-cousins.

Nial: Trust me. One and two, you’re very much both still in the game. Which brings me to the next question. Contestant one, where would you take me on your first dte?

Eileen: Well, that’s easy. I’d take you to my favorite pub up in Dylan, the Stone Bone. The drinks are free and we can stay past closed coz I know the owner. He’s my dad.

Nial: I know the owner too. He’s my uncle. Eileen, it’s me, your cousin Nial.

Eileen: Handsome Nial?

Nial: St. John’s ghost, this game just got a lot more competitive.

Molly: Wait, more competitive? You’re related. The game should be over.

Aden Kilkenny: Oh, I’m afraid. You’re in tough spot, Molly. Very rarely does the bachelor pick the non-cousin when there are two cousins in the running. Alright, you lucky boy. Next question.

Nial: Ladies, what’s your idea of a romantic evening? Let’s start with contestant number two.

Molly: I guess dinner with a guy who isn’t related to me?

Nial: Picky picky. How about you, contestant number one?

Eileen: My idea of romantic evening would be weddings, funerals and holy communions coz that’s when I get to see you.

[Audience going ‘Aww’]

Molly: Wait, the audience likes that?

Nial: Contestant number three, your turn. What’s your idea of romantic evening?

Diobhan: Oh, I think you remember. Three good Fridays ago, an alley behind the fish mongers.

Nial: Oh. That I do. That I do.

Molly: Ew! So you already hooked up with your cousin?

Diobhan: Calm down. We didn’t have sex. We just had sex. We didn’t get married or nothing.

Molly: Ew! Is this common here? Aren’t you guys worried about like, deformities from inbreeding?

Nial: What? Like bird bones? Soft skull? Strawberry nose? Tic-tac teeth? Brown blood? One big toe? Great advice, but you’re about 500 years too late.

Eileen: You see, that’s why I always had a crush on him coz he’s got it going on up here. [pointing at the forehead. She has a deformed hand.]

Molly: Okay. I’m gonna stay but only because I’m morbidly curious about who is gonna win.

[choir sound]

Aden Kilkenny: Oh, that sound means father Mike is coming to hear a confession. So, its time for us to take a quick break. I’m Aden Kilkenny, and we’ll be right back.

The Naomi Show

Naomi.. Gal Gadot

Vanessa… Aidy Bryant

AJ… Heidi Gardner

Wall… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with The Naomi Show intro] [Cut to Naomi in her set]

Naomi: Welcome back to Naomi. Today, we’re talking to moms about their terrible teens. Our next guest is Vanessa Rogers who is having a problem with her daughter.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa, how are you?

Vanessa: Real bad, Naomi. AJ is 13. And she’s physically abusive, she curses, she calls our minister a bitch. And I found so many straws in her room. I don’t know if they are used for drugs but they scare me. Okay? I blame myself coz she has no father figure.

[Cut to Naomi]

Naomi: Vanessa, I’m going to help you today. Today’s children sit around and play video games. Where I’m from, we had to grow up tough. And it sounds like AJ needs some tough love. AJ, come on out.

[AJ walks in with hands full of straws. The audience booing.]

AJ: Oh, screw you all. Go on. Go on. Hate on me. You know, y’all are jealous of me and my straws because you don’t even know what I use them for.

Naomi: Okay. That’s enough. AJ, take a seat. [AJ sits beside Vanessa] We’ve been talking to your mother and it sounds like you’re out of control. This has to stop today.

AJ: Naomi, I run things so much in my house that sometimes she calls me mom.

Naomi: Vanessa, is that true?

Vanessa: On occasion, yes.

Naomi: Well, on my show, no one gets bossed around. AJ, meet sergeant Wall.

[sirens] [Wall walks in]

Wall: Well, well, well. What do we have here? You must think you bad, huh? [Wall grabs AJ by her hand and pulls her front roughly] You wanna get you act together, young lady?

AJ: Nah!

Wall: You wanna be good in school?

AJ: Hah, nah!

Wall: What about that woman right there? Do you love that woman? You love her, right?

AJ: No.

Wall: You need to learn some respect. There is an opening in my boot camp for the next eight weeks. You can come live with me. Do you want me to be your daddy?

AJ: Yes, sir.

Wall: What?

AJ: yes, sir. I want you to be my daddy.

Wall: You do? You sure you want me to be your daddy?

AJ: Yeah. I have no daddy. But wait. Now, I do have a daddy. You are my daddy.

Wall: Well, I mean, you know, let’s just–

Vanessa: Oh, wow, this is not what I expected.

Naomi: This is obviously what AJ needs.

AJ: Tyler, Regan, all my friends watching at home, meet my dad!

Naomi: We are witnessing a live adoption, ladies and gentlemen.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to 5 in audience]

5: Um, excuse me. Excuse me. I work for the state and we’d love to help. We can make this done today. Hah?

[cheers and applause]

Wall: No. I think that might set a bad example. We should try to go through the proper channels.

AJ: Um, dad, I think we did. Because you just said you’re my dad, dad!

Vanessa: It is so good to have a man around the house again. And we can figure out the nature of our relationship. But let it be known, sergeant, that my vote is sexual.

Wall: Well, I am already in a relationship.

Vanessa: Okay. Well, then, I will be a side piece.

Naomi: No, no, no. No way. We don’t do that on my show. Sergeant wall, this is your family now. And you are going to treat them right.

AJ: I benefit from boundaries and stability. And dad, I’m happy to say I’m off my straws!

[AJ throws the straws away]

Wall: Okay. Y’all know I’m not really a sergeant, right? I mean, my name is Craig Willis. I’m an actor. You might have seen me on ‘Moesha’.

AJ: We don’t care what your job is, daddy. We love you.

Naomi: This is one of the most wonderful shows we’ve ever had. The birth of a family.

Vanessa:  Well. And, we’re expecting another.

Wall: Oh, damn! Okay.

Naomi: Another teen saved with a little tough love. When we come back, we’ll meet Paul, whose mother says he has never drank a glass of water.