Lisa Something… Kate McKinnon
Derek… Jerrod Carmichael
Jennifer… Sarah Sherman
Victor… Bowen Yang
Male voice: Now it’s time for your favorite post COVID Game Show.
Collective voice: Is My Brain Okay?
Male voice: With your host, Lisa Something.
Lisa: Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to the game all of us play every day, Is My Brain Okay? Whether it was the year in isolation, the two years without any semblance of society, or the virus itself physically shrinking our brains. One thing’s for sure, we got stupid. Before we get started, let’s meet our contestants. Derek from Queens. What do you do before COVID?
Derek: I was a Marketing Director for IBM.
Lisa: Um-hmm. And what do you do now?
Lisa: I get it. I took a bunch before the show. Jennifer from Indianapolis, tell us fun fact about yourself.
Jennifer: Good. Thank you. How are you?
Lisa: Oh-oh. And Victor from New Mexico. How are you feeling today?
Victor: Tired for no reason.
Lisa: Terrific. Now, you all know how the game works. Every answer is something you definitely knew before COVID. But does your brain still remember it? Let’s find out. First question. What is this called?
Remember? somebody used to carry things?
Lisa: No. Let’s see it in a back yard.
Derek: Form bicycle.
Lisa: No. Got a wheel in the front?
Victor: Wheel monkey. Oh, sorry. Sorry. We were looking for wheelbarrow.
Derek: I knew that.
Lisa: You did. You did know that in 2019. Now it’s just a farm bicycle. Okay, next question. What day of the week is it?
Jennifer: That’s easy. Tuesday?
Lisa: Nope. Not even close.
Victor: What is Thursday?
Lisa: And you don’t have to phrase it as a question.
Victor: No, no, I was genuinely asking what is Thursday?
Lisa: Derrick, what day of the week is it?
Derek: Okay. I remember that yesterday was my birthday. And my best friend texted “Birthday on a Friday night dog? What we doing to celebrate?” And I got so anxious I didn’t respond and went to sleep before 5PM. So today must be Saturday.
Lisa: Correct. Yes. And bonus follow up, Derek. What month is it?
Lisa: Oh, sorry, we would have accepted. February, March, April or May. But let’s put 100 points on the board for Derek. Whoever has the most points at the end, we’ll have that number of stem cells injected into their brain in the hopes of… What’s the word? The thing you do with cars?
Lisa: No. When the battery’s dead? You gotta like–
Derek: Sell the car.
Lisa: No. What you do with the cable.
Lisa: No. Jumpstart. The stem cells will jumpstart your brain again. Dammit, what is with me?
Victor: You’re depressed.
Lisa: No, no, no, no, I wasn’t really asking.
Jennifer: You never felt more alone.
Lisa: Stop guessing.
Derek: You want to call your therapist but she blocked your number. [right answer bell]
Lisa: Oh my god. How did you know that?
Derek: You just give off that exact aura.
Lisa: All right, let’s give Derek 100 more points, which means he’s unlocked a bonus question that involves a mystery guest. [Another guy named Derek walks in] Derek, who is this?
Derek: Oh, that’s easy. That’s one of my best friends from college.
Lisa: Uh-huh. And what’s his name?
Derek: He was one of my best friends.
Lisa: You said that. What’s his name?
Derek: I know some regular like, Greg or Steve. Right?
Another Derek: We lived together for three years, man.
Lisa: Sorry, Derek. The correct answer is Derek.
Derek: We got the same name?
Another Derek: That was our whole thing made, D-one D-two.
Derek: Damn. That’s really bad, man. I’m sorry. We should go get a drink sometime. Like catch up.
Lisa: Oh-oh! The sound of someone inviting a friend to drinks when they have no intention of ever getting drinks, means we’re out of time. Let’s go to the final question to determine if your brain is okay? Contestants write down your answers please. If you have to talk to a person, what’s a good way to start? And go?
All right, let’s let’s see your idea of how to start a conversation? Jennifer, I noticed you wrote with your tongue.
Jennifer: Well, there’s still still one variant I haven’t gotten yet.
Lisa: Wow. Jennifer said “Let me be inside you now.” And Jennifer who do you imagine saying that to?
Jennifer: Anyone from strangers to parents.
Lisa: Okay, I’m sorry. That’s incorrect. Your brain not okay. Victor, how would you start a conversation? Let’s see. “Heaven must be missing an angel because when I woke up there was a glowing figure hovering over my bed. I guess it could have been a ghost. I’m worried I’m losing my grip on reality. Ha-ha-ha.”
Victor: I’ve given the ghost a name Blue Bar.
Lisa: Okay, well that’s that’s very incorrect. Your brain is also bad.
Victor: Ha-ha-ha. When you talk, all I picture is the skeleton inside your head.
Lisa: Well, Mama. Okay. Derrick, it’s down to you and you wrote “If you set the clock ahead, you don’t have to be alive as long.” And you know something? You’re right, Derek.
Derek: Oh my god, I won?
Lisa: That’s right. You came up with a great way to minimize the time we’re awake and alive. And you can choose your prize, a two week all inclusive trip to Hawaii or you can go back to your apartment and stay there.
Lisa: They always say apartment thanks for watching “Is My Brain Okay?” If you got to ask, it’s probably not. Goodnight.