Weekend Update on End of Government Shutdown

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a pictures of Donald Trump and Chuck Schumer at left top corner.]

Well, Monday, Chuck Schumer saw his shadow which means we have three more weeks of government. The shutdown is temporarily over until February 8. So, that means, these guys have 12 days left to solve all of immigration. I’m not that confident. I wouldn’t even trust them to get out of an escape room in 12 days. Also, Schumer only agreed to this temporary deal because Mitch McConnell promised to finally address the issue of Dhaka. But trusting Mitch McConnell to keep a promise is like trusting Stevie Wonder to perform a briss.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Chuck Schumer at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senator Schumer said that before his meeting with president Trump on immigration reform, he insisted that White House advisor [Picture changes to Steven Miller] Steven Miller not be allowed in the room. But Miller usually scatters away whenever someone turns the lights on. Coz he looks like a roach. Steven Miller looks like he has a sex doll name ‘Mother.’ Doesn’t he look like the guy in ‘Ghost’ that yells, “Get off my train.” [Picture changes to Steven Miller and Vincent Schiavelli from ‘Ghost’]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump

Colin Jost: President Trump reportedly ordered the firing of Robert Mueller last June but backed down when the White House counsel threatened to resign. So, he tried to obstruct justice in an obstruction of justice investigation. It’s like getting pulled over for drunk driving and then challenging the cop to a Keig stand. My concern at this point is that Trump tries to obstruct justice so often and so publicly that he doesn’t even register as a crime anymore. I mean, no one’s still trying to convict the Hamburglar for stealing hamburgers. Coz, at this point, it’s just what he does. Also, like the Hamburglar, Trump is basically a Hamburglar.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Robert Mueller at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump’s lawyer Ty Cobb had to tell the president that the investigation was almost over just to calm him down. What do you mean calm him down? You shouldn’t have to do that to a president. That’s what you do to a dog during a fireworks display. “Shh, it’s okay boy. It’s almost over.” I do love that Trump tried to fire Mueller and now he has to sit with him and answer all of his questions. That’s gotta be awkward. You ever tried to press door close on somebody in an elevator but they make it anyway? And now you got to talk to Colin about white golfers?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: At the world economic forum in Davos, Switzerland, Trump was asked if he tried to fire Mueller. And this was Trump’s defense.

[Cut to Colin Jost walking. The media is asking him questions.]

Press: Did you try to fire Robert Mueller?

Donald Trump: [holding his hand up to his mouth as he’s whispering] Fake news, folks. Fake news.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Why are you holding up your hand like that? It doesn’t work if you’re talking on full volume into a television camera. I think he probably saw all word leaders whispering like this whenever he entered a room. And he just thought it was like a cool European thing. He also probably thinks that [Colin Jost circles his index finger around his head side. Normally used to say ‘crazy’.] this means, “This guy has got a great idea.”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Paul Kagame]

While in Davos, Trump also met with the president of Rwanda just a week after Trump used the vulgar term to describe African nations. The meeting began awkwardly when Trump tossed him his car keys and hold him not to scratch the finish.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of FBI and republicans’ elephant logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Cut right to the black guy. Republicans have begun blaming a secret society with in FBI for undermining the Trump presidency. And you know what? I believe it. That’s why hating on Donald Trump is so frustrating for me because he constantly reaffirms all of my black paranoia. Just when I think he’s insane, he’ll say something that makes perfect sense. Like, “The media is lying. The FBI is trying to do me like they did Tupac.” And I’m like, “They did kill Tupac, didn’t they?”

Weekend Update on the Government Shutdown

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, congratulations to Donald Trump who managed to keep our government open for almost one whole year. The government shutdown at midnight last night over disagreements over immigration. President Trump has blamed minority leader Chuck Schumer for the shutdown because Trump never misses a chance to blame a minority.

[Picture changes to United States Capitol]

Also, why is shutting down our entire government even an option? America has been around 240 years. Maybe it’s time we just buy our government instead of leasing it month to month. This is people’s lives, not a Kia Sorento. [Picture changes to Kevin Spacey] Even production on House of Cards didn’t shut down after the main guy was accused of being a full predator. If a fake government can keep going, so can we. Also, in the fake government, they got rid of the sexual predator president and [Picture changes to Robin Wright] got a female president instead. So, just something to think about. Just an idea.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of United States Capitol at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yeah. All I wanna know is since the government shutdown, do we still have to pay taxes for the whole year? Do we get pro rated or something like that? When my cable shut down, Comcast gave me free HBO for a month. I feel like the government owes us an eagle or an apple pie or something.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Stormy Daniels at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, I was finally able to google Stormy Daniels on my work computer. In an interview from 2011, pornstar Stormy Daniel said that while she was having an affair with Donald Trump, he told her she was beautiful and smart just like his daughter. Which is somehow the grossest thing a man has ever said to Stormy Daniels. [Picture changes to Mike Pence] I just love watching Mike Pence during all of this. He’s a button own conservative christian. Now, he’s gotta go ride or die with Caligula. I mean, at this point, Pence would probably be more comfortable as a judge on RuPaul’s Drag Race.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, the worst part about that Stormy Daniels story is that it was so lame. An old rich dude cheated on his wife with a pornstar. Clutch my pearls! I thought we’d get some freaky details out of it. I mean, Donald Trump grabs women by vagina as his opener. So, his actual sex must be insane, right? But the craziest thing that we got was that he was spanked with a magazine and he’s afraid of sharks. Well, of course he’s afraid of sharks. The man has the body of a seal.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Dr. Ronny Jackson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: On Tuesday, the White House doctor held a press conference where he read the results of Trump’s physical and we have some of those results right here.

EKG: Normal. Blood Pressure: Normal. Urine: Loves it. The doctor said that president Trump also took in-cognitive test and did exceedingly well. But it wasn’t like an IQ test. It was more of a, “Are you okay?” test. One of the questions was literally ‘draw a clock.’ The last president to fail this test was Lincoln after the play.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, I for one am happy to know that the president has a normal functioning brain. Because it would suck to find out that all this time, I’ve been making fun of a mentally challenged dude. If he would have failed that mental exam, it would have ruined everything. People from other countries would be like, “Hey, you’re from America, where they elected that mentally challenged guy. That’s awesome.”

[Picture changes to a group of people in a protest.]

Hundreds of marches took place around the world today to protest president Trump’s first year. Single handedly saving the pink yarn industry. Yeah, I support the women’s movement. But it’s kind of hard to take someone serious wearing a vagina hat. If Martin Luther King gave his speech wearing a black penis hat, he’d probably still be alive today.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of White House at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The first year in office typically ages a president a lot. But here’s Trump a year ago, and here’s Trump now. [showing two pictures of Donald Trump] Not that big of a difference. But let’s see how it has affected the news anchors who have to report on Trump. Here’s Anderson Cooper a year ago. [Picture changes to Anderson Cooper] And here’s Anderson now. [Picture changes to Gandalf]

This also marks the year anniversary of republicans controlling all three branches of government. So, let’s take a look at what they’ve managed to accomplish.

[Cut to a list. The list has only two things, tax bills and government shutdown.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. He is drinking his coffee.]

Michael Che: That’s it?

[Colin Jost puts his coffee mug down.]

Colin Jost: That’s it. Great. Truly inspiring.

Weekend Update: Soulja Boy on the Government Shutdown | Season 44 Episode 11

Soulja Boy… Chris Redd

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: The president and congress reached a deal to end the longest shutdown in history. I don’t really have all the answer. So here to comment is the only person keeping it totally real right now, rapper, pioneer, entrepreneur, Soulja Boy.

[Soulja Boy joins Michael Che]

Soulja Boy: What’s up? What’s happening, check, check.

Michael Che: Soulja, thanks for joining us. So I guess, what are your thoughts on shutdown?

Soulja Boy: I don’t know nothing about that.

Michael Che: Really? Well, the government was shut down for 35 days. Workers weren’t paid.

Soulja Boy: Man, for real? I got to fix this. You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to run for president.

Michael Che: What?

Soulja Boy: Yeah, Soulja Boy, crank that, 2020.

Michael Che: Soulja, you can’t be for real. You think have you what it takes to beat Donald Trump?

Soulja Boy: Trump? Trump? That dude that got bodied by the — the dude that got beef when Nancy Peloski? Trump? Man, Che, get out of here, I hear you.

Michael Che: So you really think you got what it takes?

[Cut to Soulja Boy]

Soulja Boy: Che, I’m telling you bro, without big soldiers, there wouldn’t be no Trump. I’m the first one to hustle my way to the top.

[Cut to Michael Che and Soulja Boy]

Michael Che: What hustle, Soulja?

Soulja Boy: Who else out here hustling the video game market?

Michael Che: Oh, that’s right, you came out with your own console, the Soulja Game. Isn’t that a Nintendo knock off?

[Cut to Soulja Boy]

Soulja Boy: Nintendo? Nintendo? The dude that got bodied by Sonic the Hedgehog? Quit playing with me.

[Cut to Michael Che and Soulja Boy]

Michael Che: Yes, that Nintendo.

Soulja Boy: Bro, you can play games on this! How am I the knock off? They both made in China. It’s the same stuff.

Michael Che: I think you’re is a little different.

Soulja Boy: Che, we got Fork Knife on here. [Fork Knife written like Fortnite logo]

Michael Che: Fork knife? Bro! You mean, Fortnite?

Soulja Boy: No bro, Fork Knife, chill. And if you’re not in a day, you could be a cowboy Red Dread Recession. Or if you want to keep it classic, you could have Mangino and Linguini.

Michael Che: Who’s is Mangino and Linguini?

Soulja Boy: The Super Mangino Brothers. Come on, man.[ Super Mangino brothers written like Super Mario Brothers logo]

Michael Che: So you ripped off Mario?

Soulja Boy: Mario? Mario? Quit playing with me Che.

Michael Che: Soulja, aren’t you worried about copyright infringement?

Soulja Boy: You’re gonna have to break that down for me, Che, Che.

Michael Che: You know they can sue you.

Soulja Boy: Yo, is that like your opinion or is that fact, though?

Michael Che: It’s big fact, Soulja.

[Cut to Soulja Boy]

Soulja Boy: Man, they ain’t got nothing to do with the Super Mangino Brothers. Che, come on man, you got to stop playing with me. I’m going to be first black president and that’s for real.

[Cut to Michael Che and Soulja Boy]

Michael Che: What about Obama?

[Soulja Boy stands and walks around]

Soulja Boy: Obama? That dude been stealing my bars. Dashing your hope. That’s Soulja, that’s me.

Michael Che: Soulja Boy, everybody.

Weekend Update Trump Announces Deal to End Shutdown | Season 44 Episode 11

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin and Michael in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much.. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top corner of the screen] President Trump on Friday announced a deal to temporarily reopen the government for three weeks while negotiations continue over border security. Three weeks. We’re basically treating the government like it’s a trial period [The picture changes to Hulu ad] for a Hulu subscription. It’s pretty clear that Trump has not figured out [The picture changes to Donald Trump and Nancy Pelosi] how to deal with Nancy Pelosi yet. Usually, when a woman is giving him this much trouble, he just gives her $130,000 to shut up. During a speech at the Rose garden ending the shutdown, Trump said this.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: “We do not need 2,000 miles of concrete wall from sea to shiny sea. We never did.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Shiny sea? Also, remember when you said this?

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: “We’re going to build the wall. It’s going to be a big fat beautiful wall.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Now, that wall sounds awesome. But, tell me more about this new one.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: “The walls we are building are not medieval walls, they are smart walls.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Walls with brains, got it. Now, someone told me that medieval solutions were actually effective.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: “They say a wall is medieval. Well so is a wheel. A wheel is older than a wall.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: But, it’s president. But just to clarify, we are still calling it a wall, right?

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: “Barriers, fences or wall. Or whatever you want to call it.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Honestly, at this point I’d like to call it quits.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: On Friday, president Trump temporarily reopened the government. And I know liberals are tweeting out, “Trump caved”. But y’all got to calm down. Stop gloating. You didn’t win yet. The man is still one tweet away from calling a national state of emergency and bringing back slavery. Act like he’s still crazy. You got to treat him like you’re training a dog. With constant positive reinforcement. Maybe every time he does something you like, tweet out, [The picture changes to a tweet of Donald Trump] “Who’s a good boy?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of LaGuardia airport at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: One of the factors that led to Trump making a deal was the ground delays that were building up at LaGuardia airport. You know you’re failing as a president when you somehow made LaGuardia worse. The ground delays occurred because the shutdown was causing one airline industry unions called, ‘A level of risk we cannot even calculate’. Which also happens to be the slogan for Spirit airlines. [The picture changes to Spirit airlines slogan]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Roger Stone at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: Roger Stone was arrested at 6AM Friday morning by a team of officers with heavy weapons. Finally. This is all I’ve been waiting for, old white dudes getting dragged out their crib like dope dealers. Was it excessive? Yes. And I wish it was worse. I wish he was just wearing boxers and a durag. I wish there was a baby crying in a tazed his girl, give him the worse.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Roger Stone at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: That’s right. Long time Trump adviser and business babadook Roger Stone has been charged by the special counsel’s office on seven counts including obstruction, making false statements, witness tampering and I assume the attempted murder of batman. Stone, pictured here as an old woman, being told there’s no more room at bingo, left the courtroom to face a crowd that was booing and chanting, “lock him up”. First of all, it’s always fun to watch a press conference on mute where the captions on and they say, “Crowd booing”. Second, you know how many people have to hate you for them to show up just to boo you in the middle of a work day? They found out you got arrested that morning and they immediately called their office to say, “Yeah, I’m going to be late. I got to head down to the courthouse and yell at steampunk Lincoln”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Roger Stone at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: The White House said that the charges against Roger Stone have nothing to do with president Trump. I mean, of course the White House said that because the White is the president. I mean, if I get accused of something, I can’t be like, “Man, I’m innocent, just ask my apartment”. It is kind of strange that everybody Trump’s worked with has been indicted or locked up, except for him. Which tells me he’s either a rat or a jinx. [The picture changes to Roger Stone] By the way, I googled this guy, Roger Stone, because he looks like he pays black guys to bang his wife. And I found out in 1996, he was forced to resigned  from Bob Dole’s campaign for asking black guys to bang his wife. I’m not kidding, look it up, it’s fantastic. I know as a black man, I don’t know whether to feel offended or a little appreciated.