Taran Killam
Toby… Jonah Hill
Beck Bennett
Kenan Thompson
Aidy Bryant
Cecily Strong
[Starts with colleagues having a meal together]
Taran: Alright, I think we can all agree that the basic financials make sense. Let’s get into the needy greedy of the merger. I’m really sorry we had to work through dinner but we’ve got a lot to go through.
[Toby walks in]
Toby: And don’t worry. We have enough food because the whole event is catered by Silver Star Catering.
Taran: That’s right. I actually forget to mention. We are trying a new caterer out. So, enjoy. Okay, now what I wanna do is focus on–
[Toby walks in again]
Toby: All bunches in the snack platters have been made by hand. Enjoy.
Taran: Okay. Great. Thank you again. Dave, you brought the latest proposal.
Beck: Got it right here, sir. Pass these out please. Alright. And you see, [Beck picks up chips and eats it] um.
Toby: And we’re a freaking hit!
Beck: As you can see from the latest proposal, there’s going to be hiring freeze. If not, some short term layoffs.
[Cut to Toby talking on the phone]
Toby: Mike, it’s Toby. Just wanna give you a little run down of what’s happening. The food is on absolute runaway. Smash hit!
[Cut to Kenan and 5]
Kenan: So obviously this will need to be approached with some delicacy?
[Cut to everybody]
Taran: Of course. Lot of hard choices to be made on both sides.
[Cut to Toby talking on the phone]
Toby: They liking it? I’ll tell ya’. Everything! The chicken wraps, munched! The roast piece sandwiches, munched!
[Cut to everybody]
Taran: Um, sir.
Toby: Kinwa, munched! House!
Taran: Hey, excuse me!
Toby: Dry pepper paneer, scorfed!
Taran: Excuse me! Excuse me.
Toby: Yeah, I’m on the phone.
Taran: Yeah, I know, and you’re being very loud.
Toby: Pigs in a blanket, let me check. Absolutely munched! Even the new monkey bird is gobbled.
Taran: Okay, you know what Toby? I think we have a bit of a problem here.
Toby: Mike, we’re a hit. I’m crying. The spicy humus, chomped! It’s a miracle. We’re gonna need to scale up. Hire five black guys.
[Cut to Kenan looking at Toby angrily]
Kenan: Black guys?
[Cut to everybody]
Toby: And Mike, don’t get me started on the goodies. Twizzlers, munched! Bon M&ms, no nice way to say it, raped! Italian cookies, finger blasted.
[Cut to Taran]
Taran: Toby!
[Cut to Toby]
Toby: Bola ranch, gang-banged! Dallas 500, it took em’ all. It took em all and it loved it.
[Cut to Kenan]
Kenan: No one has even touched the ranch.
[Cut to Toby]
Toby: I’m on the phone. It’s a business call. [whispering] Sorry Mike, it’s a mad house. What? What do you mean your’e getting robbed?
[Cut to everybody]
Taran: okay, why doesn’t everybody just read the proposal on their own quietly?
[Toby leans toward’s 6’s and Toby’s ears]
Toby: Oh, they’re eating like hogs in a truck full of hog slob midge, midge, midge. She didn’t even come up for air. She’s deep-throating the broccoli, Mike. What do you mean you’re still getting robbed? Fight back, Mike. Fight back. Hand the phone to them. Hello. Let go of Mike. He started? He tied to rob you first? Oh, Mike!
Taran: Alright! Should we take a break, maybe order some pizzas?
[Everyone stands and walks away. They haven’t ate anything.]
Toby: Let’s see what we got here.
[Toby picks a piece, puts it in his mouth, then spits it]
Oh, my god! This is gross. No wonder Sam’s club is throwing it out.
[The End]