Police Officer… Kenan Thompson
Pete Davidson
Simon… Taran Killam
Kurt… Kyle Mooney
Beck Bennett
Louis C.K.
[Starts with Officer and Pete in the police station]
Officer: Alright now, let’s make sure I have this right. So, you were attacked outside of Ray Burn Players workshop theater on Thursday the 5th?
Pete: That’s correct, sir! I was just walking down the street and someone hit me to the ground.
Officer: Well, we think we got the guy but we gotta do a line up. They’re actually all actors at the theater. We need you to try to identify the one that robbed you.
Pete: Okay. Got it.
Officer: I’m gonna make sure I have this right. The assailant said, “Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got. I have a knife.”
Pete: That’s right.
Officer: [talking on the mic] Okay, bring them in.
[Cut to the actors walking in the room]
Simon: Hello, how are you?
Kurt: Hello.
Beck: Hi.
Louis: Hi, thanks a lot for letting us– yes!
[Cut to Officer and Pete]
Officer: Okay, each of you will step forward and read the line on the card. Number one, go ahead.
[Cut to Simon]
Simon: Yes, hello. Hello. I’m Simon Backster Boil. I brought an extra head shot. [showing his photograph] If anyone wants that. I apologize. Little nervous. Okay.
[Simon starts acting]
[yellng] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!
[Simon stops acting]
Was that okay?
Beck: That was great, man! You’re totally gonna get it. That was awesome!
[Cut to Officer and Pete]
Officer: Number two, step forward.
[Cut to the actors]
Kurt: Kurt Hogar.
[Cut to Kurt. He puts a cigarette in his mouth and lights it.]
[Kurt starts acting]
Alright! Um…
[Cut to Officer and Pete]
Officer: Just say the line.
[Cut to Kurt]
Kurt: I’m getting there.
[clears throat] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! [takes a puff of cigarette] I have a knife!
[Cut to the actors]
Simon: Oh, wow! There was so much going on there. Bravo, sir!
[Cut to Officer and Pete]
Officer: Number three.
[Cut to Beck]
Beck: Um, well first off, love the script! So good! I’m sorry. I just need to know my motivation, be a little bit clear on that. Is this like a vengeance thing or?
[Cut to Officer and Pete]
Officer: Just read what we gave you.
[Cut to Beck]
Beck: Okay, I’m gonna go vengeance on this one.
[Beck starts acting]
Let’s make this quick, give me everything you got! I have a knife.
[stops acting]
God! That was so flat! What?
[Cut to Officer and Pete]
Officer: Number four, step forward.
[Cut to Louis]
Louis: I feel like this character is a woman.
[Cut to Officer and Pete]
Officer: It’s not!
[Cut to Louis]
Louis: Alright. Well, I can’t help it channel some feminine energy, but I’ll do my best!
[starts acting]
Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!
[Cut to the actors clapping]
Simon: Wow! Wow! Bold! I never would have gone there.
Louis: Well, you know. I like to explore. I think gender is fluid.
Simon: Absolutely.
Kurt: Totally. Yes!
Beck: That’s true.
[Cut to Officer and Pete]
Officer: Oh, boy! Well kid, any of those sound familiar?
Pete: I’m not really sure. Can I hear number three again?
Officer: Number three, again please.
[Cut to Beck]
Beck: [surprised]Oh, alright, great! Yeah, I’ll mix it up. Try something different.
[starts acting] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!
[Cut to the actors]
Louis: Dude! That was amazing! I love that funny twirl.
Beck: Yeah, I don’t know.
Kurt: We should write together sometime and make our own thing or something.
Simon: My friend Brian has a camera.
Beck: Well, one video per week? We have no excuses, you guys!
Louis: We can do like, a web video.
Everybody: Yes!
[Cut to Officer and Pete]
Officer: Gentlemen, please! Number two, again!
[Cut to the actors]
Kurt: Alright. Can I — Can I walk into this? I’m gonna walk into it.
[Cut to Kurt preparing to act]
[starts acting]
Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!
[Cut to the actors]
Beck: Brother, that was awesome.
Kurt: Really? It still feels so stiff to me.
Louis: Well, loosen up, man! Shoot a couple of vocal arrows.
[Cut to Kurt]
Kurt: Great! Yeah, yeah!
[Kurt starts gesturing as if he’s shooting arrows and making noises.]
[Cut to Officer and Pete]
Officer: Ay! Stop that! Now, I need each of you to say the line one more time… as yourselves. No funny business. Go.
[Cut to Simon]
Simon: [acting] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!
[Cut to Kurt]
Kurt: [acting] [singing] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!
[Cut to Beck]
Beck: I’m not ready yet. You go. You go.
[Cut to Louis]
Louis: [acting] Let’s make this quick anyway! I mean, give me everything you got! I have a knife!
[Cut to Beck]
Beck: [acting] Okay, let’s make– [starts sobbing] I’m sorry, I don’t know if I can do this.
[cut to Beck and Louis]
Louis: [comforting] Of course you can. You’re crying, what’s wrong?
Beck: I don’t know. This character is just like really personal to my life experience. So, it’s really hard.
Louis: You know what? Use it. Use it. Just, use it.
Beck: Okay, I will. This is so hard, you guys. Okay.
[yelling] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!
[Cut to Officer and Pete]
Pete: Oh, yeah! That’s the guy.
[Cut to the actors]
Beck: Oh, my god! I got it!
Kurt: You’ll be a star!
[Actors are celebrating for Beck]
[The End]