Police Line Up

Police Officer… Kenan Thompson

Pete Davidson

Simon… Taran Killam

Kurt… Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Louis C.K.

[Starts with Officer and Pete in the police station]

Officer: Alright now, let’s make sure I have this right. So, you were attacked outside of Ray Burn Players workshop theater on Thursday the 5th?

Pete: That’s correct, sir! I was just walking down the street and someone hit me to the ground.

Officer: Well, we think we got the guy but we gotta do a line up. They’re actually all actors at the theater. We need you to try to identify the one that robbed you.

Pete: Okay. Got it.

Officer: I’m gonna make sure I have this right. The assailant said, “Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got. I have a knife.”

Pete: That’s right.

Officer: [talking on the mic] Okay, bring them in.

[Cut to the actors walking in the room]

Simon: Hello, how are you?

Kurt: Hello.

Beck: Hi.

Louis: Hi, thanks a lot for letting us– yes!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Okay, each of you will step forward and read the line on the card. Number one, go ahead.

[Cut to Simon]

Simon: Yes, hello. Hello. I’m Simon Backster Boil. I brought an extra head shot. [showing his photograph] If anyone wants that. I apologize. Little nervous. Okay.

[Simon starts acting]

[yellng] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Simon stops acting]

Was that okay?

Beck: That was great, man! You’re totally gonna get it. That was awesome!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Number two, step forward.

[Cut to the actors]

Kurt: Kurt Hogar.

[Cut to Kurt. He puts a cigarette in his mouth and lights it.]

[Kurt starts acting]

Alright! Um…

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Just say the line.

[Cut to Kurt]

Kurt: I’m getting there.

[clears throat] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! [takes a puff of cigarette] I have a knife!

[Cut to the actors]

Simon: Oh, wow! There was so much going on there. Bravo, sir!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Number three.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Um, well first off, love the script! So good! I’m sorry. I just need to know my motivation, be a little bit clear on that. Is this like a vengeance thing or?

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Just read what we gave you.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Okay, I’m gonna go vengeance on this one.

[Beck starts acting]

Let’s make this quick, give me everything you got! I have a knife.

[stops acting]

God! That was so flat! What?

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Number four, step forward.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: I feel like this character is a woman.

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: It’s not!

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Alright. Well, I can’t help it channel some feminine energy, but I’ll do my best!

[starts acting]

Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to the actors clapping]

Simon: Wow! Wow! Bold! I never would have gone there.

Louis: Well, you know. I like to explore. I think gender is fluid.

Simon: Absolutely.

Kurt: Totally. Yes!

Beck: That’s true.

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Oh, boy! Well kid, any of those sound familiar?

Pete: I’m not really sure. Can I hear number three again?

Officer: Number three, again please.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: [surprised]Oh, alright, great! Yeah, I’ll mix it up. Try something different.

[starts acting] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to the actors]

Louis: Dude! That was amazing! I love that funny twirl.

Beck: Yeah, I don’t know.

Kurt: We should write together sometime and make our own thing or something.

Simon: My friend Brian has a camera.

Beck: Well, one video per week? We have no excuses, you guys!

Louis: We can do like, a web video.

Everybody: Yes!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Gentlemen, please! Number two, again!

[Cut to the actors]

Kurt: Alright. Can I — Can I walk into this? I’m gonna walk into it.

[Cut to Kurt preparing to act]

[starts acting]

Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to the actors]

Beck: Brother, that was awesome.

Kurt: Really? It still feels so stiff to me.

Louis: Well, loosen up, man! Shoot a couple of vocal arrows.

[Cut to Kurt]

Kurt: Great! Yeah, yeah!

[Kurt starts gesturing as if he’s shooting arrows and making noises.]

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Ay! Stop that! Now, I need each of you to say the line one more time… as yourselves. No funny business. Go.

[Cut to Simon]

Simon: [acting] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to Kurt]

Kurt: [acting] [singing] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: I’m not ready yet. You go. You go.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: [acting] Let’s make this quick anyway! I mean, give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: [acting] Okay, let’s make– [starts sobbing] I’m sorry, I don’t know if I can do this.

[cut to Beck and Louis]

Louis: [comforting] Of course you can. You’re crying, what’s wrong?

Beck: I don’t know. This character is just like really personal to my life experience. So, it’s really hard.

Louis: You know what? Use it. Use it. Just, use it.

Beck: Okay, I will. This is so hard, you guys. Okay.

[yelling] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Pete: Oh, yeah! That’s the guy.

[Cut to the actors]

Beck: Oh, my god! I got it!

Kurt: You’ll be a star!

[Actors are celebrating for Beck]

[The End]

Ghost Chasers

Greg… Taran Killam

Sarah… Venessa Bayer

Simon… Kyle Mooney

Megan… Sasheer Zamata

Ronda Banks… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Ghosts: Fact or Fiction?]

Male voice: Ghosts, spectre operations, are they real messages from other side? Or can they be explained by science? Tonight we find out on Ghosts: Fact or Fiction?

[Cut to a house that looks haunted.]

Amherst Massachusetts. The Chapman mansion. Some say it’s been haunted for decades and I was going to find out the truth with the help of my team. A local historian, two paranormal researchers and a scientist &resident skeptic, Ronda Banks.

Ronda Banks: There’s no such thing as ghost?

[Cut to the team getting inside the the house]

Male voice: Together, we entered the house.

Ronda Banks: Well, this is kind of spooky.

[Cut to Greg]

Greg: We are currently inside of what used to be the drawing room.

Sarah: The Chadmans disappeared from here over 80 years ago.

Greg: Are you picking anything up in the spectre meter?

Simon: Oh, yeah! Big time.

Greg: Megan. Give us a reading on the cabinet.

Megan: Definitely something here.

Greg: Ronda, go on and check the fire place.

Ronda Banks: [shaking head no] Uh-uh!

Greg: No, go on, check it.

[Cut to Megan Banks gesturing no]

[Cut to Simon]

Simon: Hey, Greg, I’m getting a big spike by the windows.

Greg: Alright, shh! Shh! Everyone, silent.

[banging sound]

Ronda Banks: [jumping around] Oh!

[Ronda Banks gets out of the house]

Greg: Even our skeptic was disturbed by the house. And she hadn’t even seen the basement.

[Cut to night vision clip of everybody in the hosue]

[banging sound]

Ronda Banks: Oh! Why is the lights off?

Greg: Spirits, show yourselves.

Ronda Banks: Really? You’re gonna ask the spirits to show themselves. That’s so stupid.

Greg: That’s what the whole show.

Ronda Banks: I’m not build for this, man! I thought this was supposed to be about flipping halosis.

Male voice: I was beginning to doubt Ronda’s credentials as the night went on.

[the team is now going upstairs]

Greg: We are currently inside of the twins’ bedroom. This is actually where they were last seen alive. Right here, we have the twin’s favorite doll, Clarabelle.

Ronda Banks: Stupid.

Sarah: The doll disappeared with the family in the 30s and then reappeared in the 70s.

Greg: How does science explain that?

Ronda Banks: It don’t. It’s ghost.

Megan: Ronda, you’re supposed to provide a counterpoint. \

Ronda Banks: Excuse me, but are you trying to tell me how to do my– [bang] What the [bleep]!

[Ronda Banks runs out breaking the house door]

Male voice: Coming up on “Ghosts Fact or Fiction?”, Ronda locks herself in the van.

[the team is at the van telling Ronda to open the doors.]

Greg: Ronda, please get out of the van.