He-Man and Lion-O

Kyle Mooney

Mom… Aidy Bryant

He-man… Chris Pratt

Lion-o… Taran Killam

Sister… Cecily Strong

She-ra… Ariana Grande

[Starts with a clip of blue house]

Kyle: A He-Man action figure? Just what I wanted. [Cut to the dining hall. Kyle and Mom are conversing.] Mom, this has been the best birthday ever. I almost don’t care that none of my classmates came to my party.

Mom: Aw! Well, [Cut to Mom] honey, growing up isn’t easy for anyone. At least, you have your toys.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Yeah, but my toys can’t talk. Or sing my songs with me.

We are friends, who dream of love

[cut to Mom bringing a cake to Kyle]

Mom: Oh! Honey, maybe don’t do the song. Okay? Here, why don’t you make your birthday wish and mama’s gonna go up stairs and take a nap, okay? Please don’t bother me sweetheart. Love you.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: I wish. I wish my toys were alive.

[Kyle blows the candle. The action figures come to life.] [cheers and applause]

No way! My wish came true. Hi, He-man. I’m Danny.

[Cut to He-man and Lion-o]

He-man: Danny!

[Kyle points to Lion-o]

Kyle: And you’re Lion-o.

Lion-o: Okay.

[Cut to Kyle, He-man and Lion-o]

Kyle: You’re alive!

He-man: Danny! [He-man hits the utensils with his sword]

Lion-o: What is alive?

Kyle: Careful!

Lion-o: Danny, tell us what alive is.

[He-man hits the table with his sword]

He-man: Danny! Stop!

Kyle: Um, I thought this would be a woody and buzz lightyear thing, like, where you guys would know your worlds [Cut to Kyle] and — You guys don’t know anything.

[Cut to Kyle, He-man and Lion-o]

Lion-o: [pointing at Danny’s pants] Danny, what are those?
Kyle: These are pants.

Lion-o: Pants?

He-man: Pants? Danny!

Lion-o: Why don’t we have pants?

He-man: [pointing the cake with word] Pants?

Kyle: No, that’s cake.

Lion-o: Why is cake, Danny?

Kyle: You can eat it, see? [Kyle eats a piece of cake] [Lion-o grabs the cake with his fist and eats]

Lion-o: I like cake.

He-man: Cake? [He-man takes some cake on his finger and eats it] [Cut to Sister walking in]

Sister: Danny, mom is making me say Happy Birthday to you, so Happy Birthday, okay?

[Cut to He-man and Lion-o]

Lion-o: What was that?

[Cut to Kyle, He-man and Lion-o]

Kyle: That was just my sister.

He-man: I like sister. [He-man runs to the door and hits the door with his face. He doesn’t know how to open the door.] [Cut to Kyle and Lion-o]

Lion-o: I feel good when I see sister. Bring back sister, Danny.

Kyle: You guys are supposed to play with me.

[Cut to He-man]

He-man: [screaming] I want sister! [He-man punches a hole through the wall] [Cut to Kyle, He-man and Lion-o]

Kyle: Don’t do that.

Lion-o: Give us more cake, Danny. [Lion-o hits the chair] Ah! I touched this [pointing at his underwear] to that part and it felt good. Why?

[Lion-o touches his underwear by himself]

I like it. I like this, Danny. Do this.

[He-man starts touching Lion-o’s underwear, then Lion-o starts touching He-man’s underwear.]

This feels good, Danny. This is good. Good like cake, but different good.

He-man: Oh! This is good.

Lion-o: I want this with the sister.

He-man: Yeah, with the sister.

Lion-o: Where is sister, Danny?

Kyle: Her room’s down the hall.

He-man: Down the hall. [He-man runs through the wall] [Cut to Kyle and Lion-o]

Lion-o: Now, give me more cake.

Kyle: Hey, there might be some more in there.

[Lion-o pulls the fridge door out and trows it away.]

Lion-o: There is no cake, Danny.

[He-man runs in again]

He-man: Cake?

[Cut to Lion-o]

Lion-o: Did you find sister?

[cut to He-man]

He-man: I found other sister.

[She-ra runs in with a sword] [Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Wow! She-ra, you’re alive too?

[cut to She-ra]

She-ra: I heard you guys were doing this!

[Cut to everybody. Everyone except Kyle is touching their underwear.]

Kyle: Can I have a birthday hug?

She-ra: I don’t like hugs. I like this.

[She-ra starts swinging her sword at the stuffs on the table. Then, He-man and Lion-o also start destroying other things.] [Mom walks in]

Mom: Hey! What is going on in here?

Kyle: No, it’s not my fault, mom. I made a wish.

[Cut to Mom. He-man and Lion-o walk close to Mom]

Lion-o: Mom?

He-man: Hair!

Lion-o: I like mom.

He-man: I like mom too.

Mom: Oh, my sweet meats. Danny, you may have blown out the candle, but mama’s wish done come true. Do you two want to see our hot tub?

He-man: Hmm, hot tub?

Lion-o: Yes, mom! Hot tub. [Lion-o starts touching his underwear again] This feel good mom!

Mom: Oh, I know. And She-ra, come on! I know you’re a freak!

[Cut to everybody leaving but Kyle.]

Apple Picking Ad – SNL

Debra Chickum … Aidy Bryant

Sister … Kate McKinnon

Bowen Yang

Melissa Villaseñor

Chris Redd

Hank … Woody Harrelson

[Starts with a video clip of an apple tree]

Debra Chickum: It’s fall and that’s apple picking season.

Sister: So come down to Chickum’s Apple Farm.

[Cut to Debra and her sister]

Debra Chickum: I’m Debra Chickum.

Sister: And I’m her sister.

Debra Chickum: Every year thousands of families visit our pick your own apple farm for their share of fall fun.

Sister: Located in the part of New York state that has confederate flags.

Debra Chickum: Why pick apples? Just ask any of our satisfied customers.

[Cut to Bowen Yang]

Bowen Yang: I never picked apples before, but now I have. I had fun, I think.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: It was cute. Far but cute. A lot of bees.

[Cut to Chris Redd]

Chris Redd: I stepped in a Gopher hole and broke my foot. But my girlfriend had fun.

[Cut to Debra and her sister]

Sister: For just $45 you can bring home $10 worth of apples.

Debra Chickum: Select from our varieties like huge soft.

Sister: Tiny hard.

Debra Chickum: Green.

Sister: Orange.

Both: And apple.

Debra Chickum: What our apples lack in flavor they make up for in on the ground.

Sister: They get the deers drunk.

Debra Chickum: You’ll pick apples under the watchful eye of our farmhand hank.

Sister: He’s a troubled man who came with the land. And we pay him in dentistry.

[Cut to Hank]

Speaker 6: Hi. I’m Hank. I will take you to the one tree that’s working this year. Our apples are best during a very specific window of time. And whenever you come you just missed it.

[Cut to Debra and her sister]

Debra Chickum: Still not feeling picky?

Sister: Listen to this satisfied customer.

[Cut to Chris Redd]

Chris Redd: My girlfriend picked an apple so wrong, she pulled the whole branch off the tree and now Hank says we owe three grand.

[Cut to Debra and her sister]

Sister: We have a petting zoo.

Debra Chickum: Tell them, Hank.

Speaker 6: We found some animals, and now they’re in prison. You can pet them if you pay me. We have goats, sheep. Also got donkey rides. Did you know donkeys can be depressed? The other day I head him say, ‘Stop’. Just like that. ‘Stop’. She’s like Eeyore with a plan.

[Cut to Debra and her sister]

Sister: But hey, we ain’t just apples.

Debra Chickum: We got peaches in theory. Cherries in theory and strawberries in the theory.

Sister: And don’t pass up our cider donuts.

Debra Chickum: They’re donuts but from yesterday.

Sister: And be sure to take home some of our penis gourds.

Debra Chickum: That’s right. They came out extra penis this year.

Sister: Want to hear more about us?

Debra Chickum: People usually don’t.

Sister: We’re unmarried sisters.

Debra Chickum: My hair’s been in one braid for 40 years and now it grows that way.

Sister: I’m 28.

Debra Chickum: It’s Halloween almost.

Sister: Do your spooky activities with us.

[Cut to Hank]

Hank: Our haunted Hayride is staffed entirely by local teen boys who take things way too far. They’re good boys, but if they pull you off the hayride, fight like hell. The masks make them behave different. Mob mentality. I have to be honest with you. They scare the hell out of me.

[Cut to Debra and her sister]

Debra Chickum: So, come. Come play outdoorsiness with.

Sister: Does our business make a profit? No.

Debra Chickum: How do we afford to live? Simple. I wrote the screenplay for ’50 first dates’ based on myself.

Sister: They changed it a lot. They did.

Narrator: Chickham’s Apple Farm. Maybe just go to the store.