Cecily Strong
Michael Keaton
Venessa Bayer
Kate McKinnon
Beck Bennett
Kyle Mooney
[Starts with a husband and wife in their house.]
Cecily: Oh, honey. I’m beginning to think our new neighbors aren’t gonna show up at our get together today.
Michael: Well, that’s surprising. You don’t think they want to get to know us?
Cecily: Well, let me just check outside the door, just in case.
[Cecily opens the door. There are few people outside the door.]
Oh, well. Honey, look. They’re all standing right out here. Now, were you all afraid to knock?
Venessa: Hi there, we’ve been ringing the bell.
[Cut to Michael]
Michael: Oh! That’s right. Our doorbell is currently disabled. And we’re in the process of turning our house into a smart-house.
[Cut to Cecily and the others]
Cecily: That’s right. Come on in. Welcome.
[The neighbors walk in]
Kate: Well, a smart-house? You know, that sounds so neat. What’s that intel?
[Cut to Cecily and Michael]
Cecily: My husband is a professor. He’s great at science. Can I show them the toaster prototype?
Michael: Well, sure, sweetie. You got it going like this.
[Cecily brings in a red toaster. It looks really nice.]
Okay, now. This is a smart-toaster
[Cut to the neighbors.]
Beck: It don’t look any different from a regular toaster.
[Cut to Cecily and Michael]
Cecily: Good eye. Great observation. He hasn’t added science to it yet.
Michael: Yeah, but once I do, it will be able to roll out to meet me wherever I am. And then it’ll use it’s rockets to shoot up and hover at eye level, to receive the toast.
[Cut to the neighbors]
Kyle: Oh, okay. A floating toaster.
[Cut to Cecily and Michael]
Cecily: Absolutely. And that’s not all. It will use percent to tell us how toasted your toast is. Like, it will say, “Mrs. Croford, your toast is 84% toasted.” And it will have human eyes to stare at you while it says that. Honey, turn it around so that they can see the eyes.
Michael: Sure.
[Michael turns the toaster around. It has two eyeballs.]
Now, there are just placed here until I’m able to connect the human eyes to it.
[Cut to the neighbors]
Beck: Oh, how nice.
Venessa: Oh, well, isn’t that something.
Kate: We should probably be going. We left our baby in a tub.
Kyle: That’s right. Um, we were giving our baby a bath.
[Cut to Cecily and Michael]
Cecily: Well, hang on. Just first listen to this other thing. [Cut to everyone] This is gonna be our smart couch.
Michael: Yeah, once I have it scienced to it, of course.
[Cut to Cecily and Michael]
Cecily: Oh, honey. They know that. Now, the idea here is that the smart couch will recognize you from your sitting on it.
Michael: Yeah. Now, how much do you think that’ll work? You, answer.
[Cut to the neighbors]
Beck: Um, I guess the couch recognizes your weight or something.
[Cut to Cecily and Michael]
Michael: Ah! Wrong guess.
Cecily: Yes, exactly. Wrong guess. Every time you sit down, a small tube will go up into your back side to get to know you.
Michael: Yeah. All of our back side interiors are unique. Like, a thumbprint, or a snowflake.
[Cut to the neighbors]
Kate: I don’t think I would like that.
[Cut to Cecily and Michael]
Cecily: You’re telling me you wouldn’t like a couch that called you by your name?
Michael: I bet they’re worried about that tube that goes up inside.
Cecily: Oh, yeah. We’ve heard that before.
Michael: Yeah, tube isn’t that big. You shouldn’t notice it.
Cecily: No, it’s like a sports bottle straw, if you’re familiar.
[Cut to the neighbors]
Venessa: That still seems pretty intrusive.
[Cut to Cecily and Michael]
Michael: No, no. Because it will have eyes on it, so it can see where it’s going.
[Cut to the neighbors]
Kate: So, do you have to sit on the couch naked?
[Cut to Cecily and Michael]
Cecily: [laughing] My word, no. Can you imagine? The tube is sharp enough so that it will go straight through your pants.
Michael: And as it comes back out, it secretes a small amount of pants glue to seal up the hole it made. Would you like for us to pretend to do it?
[Cut to the neighbors]
Venessa: Pretend to do what?
[Cut to Cecily and Michael]
Cecily: Well, sit on the couch and have the tube recognize us, of course.
[Cut to the neighbors]
Beck: No. I think we–
[Cut to Cecily and Michael]
Michael: No, no. Now, remember, I haven’t put any science on it yet. So, this is all still pretending.
[Cecily starts acting]
Cecily: Oh boy, have I had the day! I’m gonna sit on this couch and relax.
[Cecily sits on the couch]
Michael: Uh-huh! At this point a tube will come up.
[Michael pulls up a rod through the couch. It has eyes stuck to it as well.]
It will push in like this. Now, imagine, my wife sitting on this tube. It will look around, you know, to recognize it from the inside.
[Cut to the neighbors]
Kate: Oh, sweet reesy peesy.
Venessa: That’s bigger than a sports drink straw.
[Cut to Cecily and Michael]
Michael: [pretending to be the smart couch] Well, hello there Mrs. Croford. I recognize you from your inside.
Cecily: Oh! Isn’t that nice. I don’t feel a thing.
Michael: Well, that’s coz my tube has human eyes and it knows right where to go.
Cecily: Hey, my pants are gonna be all cut up from you, will they?
Michael: Definitely not. Just provide me 25 minutes to heat up my pants glue. Would you like me to begin that process now?
Cecily: Sure, I’ll sit here very still for 20 minutes while you heat that glue.
[Cut to the neighbors]
Kate: Now, we really do need to go. All of us at once.
[Cut to everybody]
Michael: Alright, alright! But hey, before you go, would you mind signing these non-disclosure agreement?
Cecily: You understand. It’s all patent pending.
Cut to the neighbors]
Beck: This says we agree to kill ourselves together.
[Cut to Cecily and Michael]
Michael: Oh, man! Smart printer printed them wrong form.
Cecily: Alright. Well, just a second, guys. Let me get the printer tube.
[Cecily pulls out a large pipe with eyes]
Now, you won’t feel this. Who wants to go first?