Woody Harrelson 1989 Monologue

Woody Harrelson

Liam Hemsworth

Josh Hutcherson

Jennifer Lawrence

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Woody Harrelson.

[The band is playing music] [1 walks in and to the stage.] [cheers and applause]

Woody Harrelson: Thank you. Thank you. It’s so great to be standing here. In fact, there’s 25 years almost to the day since the first time I hosted Saturday Night Live in 1989. I just heard Taylor Swift album which is called 1989. But with all due respect to miss Swift, I think I know a little bit more about 1989 than she does.

[Someone hands over Woody Harrelson a guitar]

Ah! Thank you. Even if the memories are a little fuzzy, because of the drugs.

[Woody Harrelson starts playing guitar and singing like the song ‘Blank Space’]

Seemed like it would last forever
The Berlin Wall fell down
Cher sang Turn Back Time
Michael Keaton, he was Batman
I’m not sure who was president
I think I had a molly
After that I just forget
Oh, wait! I remember
I was on a show called Cheers
Then I won an Emmy
then got drunk on million beers
thought I met Margaret Thatcher
but it was Sadam Hussain
then I got a blank space baby
coz I used to do cocaine

This is a little bit, you know, I mean it was 1989. Wow!

[2 and 3 walk in and hug Woody Harrelson] [cheers and applause]

Hey man! Last man in year. I haven’t seen you guys since– what was that– we did that thing together. What was..

Speaker 3: The Hunger Games, man!

Speaker 2: Hunger Games.

Woody Harrelson: Oh, yeah, yeah! You guys here to help me sing the Taylor Swift song about it? 1989?

Speaker 3: Well, actually, we weren’t even alive in 1989.

Speaker 1: What? How old are you guys?

Speaker 2: Well, I’m Twentyfour. He’s twentwo.

Speaker 1: Oh, my god! I thought you guys were like, in your early fourtys.

Speaker 3: No, we just know the stuffs you told us about 1989. Like, the Berlin Wall was torn down by the Kool-Aid Man.

Speaker 2: Einstein invented wifi.

Speaker 1: [laughing] I told you that in 1989, Einstein invented wifi? That is crazy.

Speaker 4: Guys. [4 walks in] [cheers and applause]

Woody Harrelson: Oh, my god!

[Woody Harrelson hugs 4’s leg]

Speaker 4: What’s happening?

Speaker 1: I can’t believe. I mean, the real Taylor Swift. [audience laughing]

Speaker 4: Woody, I’m not Taylor Swift.

Speaker 1: Hah?

Speaker 4: I’m Jennifer. We’ve done about ten Hunger Games movies together.

Speaker 1: So, yeah. I didn’t recognize you without the big purple hair.

Speaker 2: No, no, no! Woody, that’s no–

Speaker 4: Not worth it.

[Cut to Woody Harrelson and 4]

Speaker 1: So, you gonna help me sing this, Jen? Or what?

Speaker 4: I don’t really think anyone wants to hear me sing. [cheers and applause] No! No! I wasn’t saying that to get your support. I don’t care. Just, when I sing, I sound like a deer that has been caught in a fence.

[Cut to 2 and 3]

Speaker 2: I would say it’s more like a dog being hit by a truck.

Speaker 3: Well, like one of those goat that screams like a human. [3 screams] [Cut to everybody]

Speaker 4: I think I get the point. Yes. Woody, if you wanna sing about 89 and you don’t remember the details, just, you know, keep it vague.

[Cut to Woody Harrelson and 4]

Yeah! It’s like you always say. “Hey, man! You always over think it. You just gotta [blabbers].” You’re always so stoned.

[Cut to everybody]

Speaker 1: That does sound like a great advice. Okay. Two, three, four…

[music playing]

89 is forever
never, it will never die

[2 and 3 sing backup harmony]

there was probably a winter
there was also 4th of July

Everybody: Everybody had a birthday
England probably had a queen
Now it’s twentyfive years later

Woody Harrelson:  The year, twentysixteen.

[Cut to Woody Harrelson and 4]

Speaker 4: twentysixteen, huh?

Woody Harrelson: Oh! This is so silly. I’m telling you guys, I smoked a lot of herb before I came here tonight.

[Cut to everybody]

Alright, we got a great show tonight. Kendrick Lamar is here. Stick around and we will be right back. .

Lizzo Truth Hurts (Live)

[Starts with Eddie Murphy announcing Lizzo’s live performance]

Eddie Murphy: Ladies and gentlemen, Lizzo!

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Lizzo on the stage with other female musicians.] [musi playing

Lizzo: Why men great ’til they gotta be great?

I just took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that bitch
Even when I’m crying crazy
Yeah, I got boy problems, that’s the human in me
Bling bling, then I solve ’em, that’s the goddess in me
You coulda had a bad bitch, non-committal
Help you with your career just a little
You’re ‘posed to hold me down, but you’re holding me back
And that’s the sound of me not calling you back

Why men great ’til they gotta be great?
Don’t text me, tell it straight to my face
Best friend sat me down in the salon chair
Shampoo press, get you out of my hair
Fresh photos with the bomb lighting
New man on the Minnesota Vikings
Truth hurts, needed something more exciting
Bom bom bi dom bi dum bum bay

You tried to break my heart?
Oh, that breaks my heart
That you thought you ever had it
No, you ain’t from the start
Hey, I’m glad you’re back with your bitch
I mean who would wanna hide this?
I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever be your side chick
I put the sing in single
Ain’t worried ’bout a ring on my finger
So you can tell your friend, “shoot your shot” when you see ’em
It’s OK, he already in my DMs

Why men great ’til they gotta be great?
Don’t text me, tell it straight to my face
Best friend sat me down in the salon chair
Shampoo press, get you out of my hair
Fresh photos with the bomb lighting
New man on the Minnesota Vikings
Truth hurts, needed something more exciting
Bom bom bi bom bi dum bum bay

I’ma hit you back in a minute
I don’t play tag, bitch, I been it
We don’t mess with lies, we don’t do goodbyes
We just keep it pushing like aye yi yi
I’ma hit you back in a minute
I don’t play tag, bitch, I been it
We don’t mess with lies, we don’t do goodbyes
We just keep it pushing like aye yi yi

Why men great ’til they gotta be great?
Don’t text me, tell it straight to my face
Best friend sat me down in the salon chair
Shampoo press, get you out of my hair
Fresh photos with the bomb lighting
New man on the Minnesota Vikings
Truth hurts, needed something more exciting
Bom bom bi bom bi dum bum bay

[music stops] [cheers and applause]

Bok Bok | Season 44 Episode 15

[Starts with a man walking to a Bok Bok fast food, a Bok Bok commercial]

Narrator: If you’re hungry for chicken, there’s never been a better time to come to Bok-Bok. Get your choice of a six-piece chicken supreme snack. Or a two-piece chicken dinner for $8.99 each. All served with a fresh biscuit and a flavorful fixen. Also, we’d like to take a second to clear up a few things you may have heard about our mascot, Bok-Bok. [Bok Bok looks scary and looks a lot like Momo of Momo hoax] Who does bear a slight resemblance to the internet urban legend and momo. But we promise Bok-Bok is not momo in a chicken suit. And she’s definitely not tempting kids with chicken so she can steal their souls. Bok-Bok is all about bringing you juicy chicken served hot. And sure, like momo, Bok-Bok is a human-bird hybrid who loves the company of children. But who cares when the food is this good. Please stop feeding my son. So stop being paranoid and bring the whole family down.

[Cut to drive-through]

Melissa Villaseñor: Hey, what can I get you today?

Heidi Gardner: [Talking to kids at the backseat] What do you guys want?

[Heidi adjusts her mirror to look at her kids. She sees Bok Bok.]

Bok Bok: Chicken.

[Everyone is scared and runs away]

Narrator: Yeah, that’s probably momo.

Video Bumper: Take your children to Bok-Boks.

Bok Bok: See you soon.

John Mulaney Stand-Up Monologue | Season 44 Episode 14

[Starts with SNL monologue intro. Band is playing the music.]

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, John Mulaney.

[John Mulaney comes in the door and walks to the stage] [Cheers and applause]

John Mulaney: Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much. It’s great to be here hosting ‘Saturday Night Live’. I’m John Mulaney. If this is your first time ever tuning in, I host every week. [laughter] I’m fully kidding. This is only the second time I’ve hosted. I actually was lucky enough to host the show last April. I believe we have a photo. [Cut to picture of April, 2018 calendar] [laughter] [Cut to John Mulaney]Right. Right, it was April. It’s great to be in New York city, because I live in New York and it’s always convenient to be where you live. I was walking down West 13th street the other day. I was coming down West 13th and this couple was walking towards me. And as I walked passed them, they boyfriend said to me, “Hey cool guy.” And then his girlfriend goes, “Aww, that’s mean”. And I experienced both the compliment and the insult in real time. He was like, “Hey cool guy”. I was like, “Hey”. She was like, “That’s mean”. Was like, “Right”.

I was a cool person at one time. I used to do cocaine. That’s true, me, the person you’re looking at. [laughter] I would smell it into my nose. I get a high from it. Hey, quick tip from my experience, doing cocaine will not make your ex-girlfriend get back together with you, but it will make her worry about you, and in the end, what’s the difference? [laughter]

I’m very happily married now. My wife is Jewish. I was raised catholic which you could all tell from the moment I walked down. [laughter] That’s not a big deal. Getting married, Jewish and catholic. Only, a couple of people asked about it. And they were my parents. [laughter] Before we got married, my mother asked me if my wife was going to convert to Catholicism. You’re right to laugh. It’s a stupid question. [laughter] “Oh, I don’t know, mom. Let me go ask. Let me go see if a 29 year old Jewish woman, who doesn’t like any of my suggestions, [laughter] if she would convert to, what was it again? Roman Catholicism?” [laughter] How would I even have that conversation? What? Do I come home with a brochure? And I’m like, “Hey honey, allow me to tell you about an exciting not new organization. Don’t google us”. [laughter] “You know that strange look of shame and unhappiness I have in my eyes at all times especially after sex and it was all forced on me at birth? What if you voluntarily signed up for it?”

[Cheers and applause]

My wife and I have a French bulldog. Her name is Petunia. She’s great. [Cheers and applause] She’s got a little flat face. She likes to walk but she can’t walk far because she cannot breathe well by design. [laughter] So we push her around New York in a stroller. That’s absolutely true. And this next story is also absolutely true. My wife was pushing our bulldog, Petunia, in a stroller down 7th Avenue South a few months ago. She’s pushing her down 7th Avenue. My wife gets to 7th Avenue and Leroy street. At 7th Avenue and Leroy street, a car pulls up. Out of the car and steps Woody Allen and Soon Yi Previn. My wife stares at Woody and Soon Yi. Woody and Soon Yi stare at a woman [laughter] pushing a bulldog in a stroller. The four of them stare at each other. And then they all kind of nod as if to say none of this is right. And then they went their separate ways. [laughter]

I personally take the subway a lot in New York. I love the subway, because of the male and female voices that narrate the subway. That man and that woman. The woman who does the subway announcements and her way too loud husband. [laughter] You know the woman is like, “The next stop is Christopher Street”. [Yelling] “Stand clear of the closing door, please!” [laughter] Why are shouting? What are you, in the next room? I asked my friend who works for the city, “Why is it a male voice and a female voice?” He told me, “Because it’s been proven that people will take information from a female voice, but they will only take a warning from a male voice.” Now that’s it’s own American gender nightmare that we don’t have time to get into. But I have to say I trust that woman more. I like how she says subway stops because she always says them like they are little secret. She’s always like, “The next stop is, [pause] Chambers street”. [laughter] “Assaulting an MTA worker!” I wasn’t going to do that. They warn you about that.

Now, there’s also signs in the back of taxi cab that says, “Murdering a taxi driver will get you 25 years in prison”. Oh, okay, I guess I won’t do it. [laughter] That doesn’t happen in any other industry. Not like in restaurants, they’re like, “Your server Michael will be right over. Oh, by the way, killing a waiter in the state of New York is a class 8 felony. I’m going to get you some bread.” [laughter]

There is so many police car sirens in New York. But there is a new type of siren. It’s been around for past two, three years. You’ve probably heard of it. It’s a new siren.  It’s a little faster, and it also has a fun and funky beat. And I think that cops like to use their siren more because they know it sounds fun and they know it sounds funky. You’ve heard the new siren that is like— [making new siren sounds] It’s like there’s a DJ in the back of the patrol car. It sounds like two sirens talking to each other, like–[making new siren sounds, with hand gesturing as if talking to people] [laughter] It’s so fast. Sirens used to be so slow and beautiful. I was watching this old movie on turner classic movies, because I was not an athletic child. And it was a Hitchcock movie called Rope, and at the end of Rope, there’s a gunshot. Bang. And then you hear this old fashioned siren. And it was slow and beautiful. It was like –[making old siren sounds]  It was like an old, gay cat was dying. [laughter] But not a sad death. Not a sad death. He’s lived a full life and he’s surrounded by loved ones and he’s in hospice. He’s in cat hospice. [laughter] And he’s holding hands with a Rabbi and he’s just kind of ––[making old siren sound]

We have a great show. Thomas Rhett is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.

Alec Baldwin Returns to SNL | Season 44 Episode 13

[Starts with Alec Baldwin at his makeup room. He is getting makeover of Donald Trump.]

Donald Trump: Tremendous to be here. Just tremendous. [Alec Baldwin wears coat and a wig] My fans love when I play this. But it’s clear something hasn’t changed. [Donald Trump is walking to the stage] The point is, my presidency has been successful. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Don Cheadle Monologue | Season 44 Episode 13

[Starts with SNL intro]

Announcer: [Band is playing the music] Ladies and gentlemen, Don Cheadle.

[Don Cheadle gets in the door. He runs to the stage and dances.]

Don Cheadle: Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much. It is so great to be here. I entered ‘The Avengers Host SNL’ Raffle, and I won! [Cheers and applause] So this is my first time hosting, and I think I waited this long, because I’m a little O.C.D. about my projects. I was in the movie ‘Traffic’. Then I was in ‘Rush Hour’. Then I was in ‘Crash’. So that had to be in the right order.[Laughter] I’ve been in show business for over 30 years and a lot of people know me. And a whole lot of people, you know, they sort of know me. I get was I called ‘Percussive recognition’. People are like – [Acting as if he’s trying to get the person’s name, snapping fingers] “oh, you’re, um—um—’ , you know, the longer it goes on, it kind of turns into a Tito Puente thing like—[Act of Tito Puente, snapping fingers] [Laughter]. But when you’ve played as many characters as I have, you’ve got fans from a lot of different things. It’s gotten to the point where I know what people recognize me from based on the face they make when they walk up. You know if I get a dude with a face like— [Face expression as if being proud] I know it’s ‘Boogie Nights’. If I get this – [Joining hands and crying face expression] that’s ‘Hotel Rwanda’ face. And if I get this – [Face expression as if being shocked] well, that’s the face of a true fan who realizes he’s about to meet ice tray from the ‘Homeboy, Sweet Homeboy’ episode of ‘Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’. ! [Cheers and applause]

And really, look, I love any fan who wants to meet me. Especially the people from New York city. I love New Yorkers, because they are direct. Most places, it’s “Hey, can I take a picture?” But in New York it’s like, “Yo, man, let’s get this pic dawg”. [Laughter] And you know they’re not gonna stop with just one. We got three options. We gotta get the goofy one, and we gotta get the serious one, and then all of a sudden I’m taking a picture of just them. [Laughter] I’m not even in it thing. I’m always happy to take a picture. The key is, if you got to wait for the proper  because—

[Leslie Jones joins Don Cheadle]

Leslie Jones: Yeah! That’s all I need to hear, baby. Yeah! Let’s get this thing man. [Leslie starts getting selfies with Don Cheadle]

Don Cheadle: I’m kind of in the middle of my monologue right now.

Leslie Jones: Oh, we getting this pic. Say ‘Rwanda Forever’.

Don Cheadle: All right. Rwanda Forever.

Leslie Jones: Now take a picture of me [Leslie passes her phone to Don] and make it look like I ain’t looking.

Don Cheadle: I got you. I got you. [Leslie poses] We’re good.

Leslie Jones: Oh my god. Thank, Don! We gotta have a great show tonight. It’s Don Cheadle is here!

Don Cheadle: Hey, Gary Clark Jr.! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

[Ends with Leslie and Don taking more selfies]

James McAvoy Monologue | Season 44 Episode 11

[Starts with monologue intro of the SNL stage]

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen. James McAvoy.

[James walks in the door and front to the stage, he is wearing a kilt]

James McAvoy: Thank you. Thank you. [Cheers and applause] Thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I am James McAvoy and I am so excited to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. [Cheers and applause] I’m in the same building as Steve Martin and it truly makes me feel like I’ve made it. I don’t know, some of the more eagle eyed may have noticed I’m wearing a kilt. It’s not a skirt, it’s a kilt. And it’s actually very masculine. It’s here to signify our family, and I wear it because my calves are shredded. Plus I’m Scottish. In our country or in this country even, people seem to recognize me from movies like “Star Wars”, like “Christopher Robin”and “Trainspotting”. But those people would be wrong. Because that’s Ewan McGregor. He’s the other Scottish actor. I think it’s actually easy to tell us apart. My eyes are blue. And he’s got more money than me. This might be the first time you heard my native accident. Because in most of my movies my accident is either English crumpet or American hot dog. I’m actually very proud to be from Scotland. For anybody who’s not familiar with my homeland, I thought I’d give you a quick little primer. Scotland is a part of Great Britain, located north of the wall. That’s where the original wildlings came from. Lots of great inventors are from Scotland. The telephone invented by Alexander Graham Bell, Scottish. The television invented by John Yoeg By Bear, Scottish. And the deep fried mars bar invented by Wee Patrick from down the road who is stoned out of his nut, Scottish. I hope you all have learned something about my beloved Scotland. And before—yeah, I totally lost my place. Thanks very much. Messing up gets a laugh. Thank you. I’ll be doing that all night. And for anybody who’s watching back home, go to bed, it’s six in the morning. We have a brilliant show for you lined up. [Cheers and applause] Meek Mill is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.