SNL Archives - SNL Transcripts Tonight

Weekend Update Field Correspondent Sarah Sherman Gives an SNL Studio Tour

Colin Jost

Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well guys, we are nearing the end of the season and here to tell us what she learned and give us a tour backstage is Weekend Update field correspondent, Sarah Sherman.

[Cut to Sarah Sherman walking within the audience]

Sarah Sherman: Hi, Colin. I’m gonna kick off the tour in our studio audience. It’s been a great show tonight with lots of great Weekend Update jokes from Michael Che specifically.

Colin Jost: Alright. Didn’t love the “specifically” there, Sarah, but Sure. Go ahead and take us backstage.

Sarah Sherman: God, so many legends have passed through these hallowed halls. Will Ferrell, Kristen Wiig, a bunch of crew guys you think I’m an ugly little boy? And oh my god. How cool? Here we have my clothing rack. This is where they keep my size zero pants.

Colin Jost: Yeah, those actually look like children’s pants?

Sarah Sherman: Children’s pants, sort of your area of expertise.

Colin Jost: Please, let’s not do this, okay Sarah?

Sarah Sherman: Oh, I’m actually just getting word right now that you should be quiet.

Colin Jost: All right. Okay. All right. Well, let’s just— Can we please just keep going with your backstage tour, okay?

Sarah Sherman: And what do we have here? Ladies and gentlemen, it’s Colin Jost dressing room. Or as our female interns like to call it “the Chamber of Secrets”.

[Sarah Sherman walks inside Colin’s dressing room]

Colin Jost: Okay, no. Nobody calls it that. Sarah please do not go in there.

Sarah Sherman: Too late. Folks, the scene in here is abysmal. On this mirror, Colin has put up all of his humiliating daily affirmations. “You are funny.” “You are handsome.” “You are the real king of Staten Island.” And this one just says “Reminder: Dinner tonight with Giuliani.”

Colin Jost: Sara I did not write those.

Sarah Sherman: Oh my God, Colin, what are you obsessed with me? [showing a full wall of pictures of her behind her]

Colin Jost: Those are are not mine. Those are not mine either. You clearly put those in there.

Sarah Sherman: Oh, really? What’s all this then? [she tries to show something, but it falls down accidentally. She’s looking down for it, but she can’t find it.] Aww, the thing that I threw?

[Colin Jost laughing out loud]

Colin Jost: Yeah, that was the news you were going to show, but you don’t have it.

Sarah Sherman: Oh my god, and what do we have here folks? It’s Colin’s famous intern kid. [Sarah Sherman pulls out a cover and inside, there’s an intern inside a pet cage.] Hello. Looks like somebody messed up a Starbucks order. Hey buddy, for next time Colin, likes his coffee with no milk, no sugar, no coffee and just vodka.

Colin Jost: Sarah, I told you. You have to stop putting interns in cages in my dressing room.

Sarah Sherman: Oh my god, Colin, are you collecting my underwear? Wow, I cannot believe you’re the guy I’ve been selling these to.

Colin Jost: Alright, someone please just cut her feed off.

Sarah Sherman: Oh, I’m actually just getting word right now that we have breaking news from the Update desk from my correspondent and best friend, Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a poster of Colin Jost hushing Sarah at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Thanks, Sarah. This just in. Local panties sniffer Colin Jost wants to silence Sarah Sherman in his ongoing quest to tear down Jewish women? Back to you Colin.

Colin Jost: All right. Field correspondent, Sarah Sherman, everyone.

Sarah Sherman: Love you, Colin.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Sarah Sherman: And I’m Sarah.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Jail Ad SNL

Abby Pudd… Willem Dafoe

Andrew Dismukes

Punkie Johnson

Chris Redd

[Starts with 1 narrating the ad]

Abby Pudd: Done something wrong? Gotten yourself in a pickle or a jam? And now you have to go to jail? Don’t. People in there are so mean. So, come on down to Nice Jail. I invented it. It’s like regular jail but nice. Hi. My name is Amy Pudd– Abby Pudd. And I’m the founder of, and warden of, Nice Jail. Why make a nice jail? Because I went to actual jail once and frankly, people were mean. My cellmate took one look at me and said, “Oh, hell, no. I ain’t sharing no cell with your vampire-head ass.” Then, later, he said, “Why are you in bed, Dracula? You know y’all don’t sleep at night with your vampire-head ass.” That kind of thing would never happen at Nice Jail. I guarantee it. But don’t take it from me. Take it from one of our satisfied inmates.

Andrew: After I got arrested for public intoxication, I was scared to go to jail. So, I served 10 days at Nice Jail and no one was mean to me. Later, when I went to court, the judge told me that none of it counted. And then my lawyer said, “Who told you to do that?” I said, this guy named Abby who was standing in front of the DMV. “And then my lawyer turned to the judge and gave him a look like, “Can you believe this?” And the judge just shook his head like I was so stupid, it was causing him pain. Thanks, Nice Jail.

Abby Pudd: No, thank you. Now, as that observant young man noticed, legally speaking, Nice Jail doesn’t count. And, no, you can’t choose to come here instead of going to mean jail. So, you might be asking yourself, “Why would I go to Nice Jail?” There are so many reasons. You got released from real jail but think you could use a little more time. You did something wrong but no one knows yet. You always wanted to go to an escape room but you don’t like puzzles. You don’t want someone holding a mirror up to your face and asking, “Why does your vampire head-ass have a reflection?” Does that answer your question? If it doesn’t, here’s another glowing review.

Punkie: So, I came to Dallas thinking I had booked a room at the Marriott. Then, I got there and this guy Abby told me he bought the place and changed the name to Nice Jail. Then, he told me something about how no one here is gonna pass you in a cafeteria on Garlic Bread Day, knock down your tray and say, “I just saved your vampire-head ass. You’re welcome!” Anyway, I stayed in Nice Jail for three days and Abby kept in touch. Like, a lot. Which I guess is nice.

Abby Pudd: It’s not just nice. It’s Nice Jail. And I keep in touch with all my former inmates, even the ones who have done something bad that no one knows about yet. Here are other nice things you can expect about Nice Jail. Compliments. Time to yourself. No one asking, “Where are your fangs with your vampire-head ass?” Dignity. Business center. No one coming up to you when you’re working in the library and saying, “Hey, we saw a bat on the yard. That was you, right?” And then you’re like, “How could that be me? I’m not a bat, and I’m in the library.” And then they’re like, “Quit lyin’ with your vampire-head ass. How come you don’t just fly out of jail?” And you’re like, “Don’t you think I would if I could?” I promise, that will never happen at Nice Jail. Even our staff is nice.

Chris: I was hired to run clerical matters here at Nice Jail, and it is a mess. The government pays for regular jail, but I’m pretty sure no one pays for this. Like, I don’t think Abby even bought the building. There’s no water, and he pays me in “I live here.” One time I asked for time off and he said, “That’s not nice. Why are you being mean to my vampire-head ass?” Seems like he’s really internalized this whole vampire thing. Anyways, I’m pretty sure the city will shut us down soon.

Abby Pudd: I’d like to see them try. So, come on down to Nice Jail! And remember…

All: It doesn’t count.

Male voice: Nice Jail. Seriously, it doesn’t count.

Stories from the Show- SNL At Home

[Starts with different videos of news reporting about “SNL At Home.”]

Man: Getting to laugh his weekend, tune in to SNL. It is going remote.

[Cut to another news]

Man: Saturday Night Live returns with all new episode from home.

[Cut to another news]

Woman: It’s going to be fascinating to see them in their element in their home.

[Cut to another news]

Man: I can’t wait to see how they pull that off.

[Cut to Pete Davidson at home.]

Pete Davidson: Initially, I was like, “Oh, man. This is going to suck.” [laughing]

[Cut to “Stories From The Show- And SNL Series” video bumper.]

[Cut to the ending of Daniel Craig’s SNL episode.]

[audience cheering]

Daniel Craig: I’m Daniel Craig. This has been Saturday Night Live. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Cut to Mikey Day at home.]

Mikey Day: That last show, it didn’t feel like, we wouldn’t be coming back. There was no indication that that would kind of be out live show season finale.

[Cut to Pete Davidson.]

Pete Davidson: I think I got an email that was just sent to everybody and they were like, “Hey, we’re going to do it at home now.

[Cut to Mikey Day.]

Mikey Day: I remember being a little perplexed as to how we would do it.

[Cut to Anna Drezen at home.]

Anna Drezen: SNL’s so much chaos. So, one sort of grounding force we have is the audience.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim at home.]

Ego Nwodim: We do a multi cam live sketch show. So, we feed off of the studio audience.

[Cut to a part of a news sketch ‘Mid-Day News’ with Phoebe Waller-Bridge.]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: The suspect described as a white male–

Kenan Thompson: Whooow!

Ego Nwodim: Love it!

[Kenan and Ego doing high-five.]

[Cut to Kenan Thompson at home.]

Kenan Thompson: The show has always been at 8H. We’ve always done it at 30 Rock.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: But if everyone else is in, I am in and I’m excited. Coz what else am I doing? I’m home.

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: This equipment would arrive at our house. And we’d be like, “What is this? I guess there’s a sketch involving a green screen.” [Cut to Mikey Day fixing camera and his green screen] So, now we have a green screen.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: For the first show, we did a Zoom table read.

[Cut to SNL Table Read show.]

Kenan: I hope you guys enjoy our table read here and we’ll see what we come up with on Saturday. This is crazy.

[Cut to Ego Ngodim}

Ego Nwodim: And one of the sketches we read at the table was the dating show.

[Cut to Beck Bennett from the sketch “How Low Will You Go?”]

Beck Bennett: Hello and welcome to “How Low Will You Go?”

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: The most surreal moment, there was a dating show. I got up and stood on the side of my little computer area waiting for my cue as they were doing the sketch on Zoom. And it feels kind of like, the normal show, you’re waiting for your cue.

[Cut to Mikey Day from the sketch “How Low Will You Go?”]

I just remember having a distinct moment thinking like, “I will remember this forever.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner setting up the equipments at her home.]

Heidi Gardner: You’re setting up a ring light and the green screen and all these things that you don’t usually do. So, then by the time you’re shooting the thing, you’re just overwhelmed.

[Cut to Anna Drezen]

Anna Drezen: It was also crazy because our first show back, Hal Willner died.I just like, can’t picture working on the sketch without talking to him. It was very difficult.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: This was challenging. It was hard but we were in it together. And that was really nice.

[Cut to Bowen Yang at home]

Bowen Yang: For the SoulCycle sketch, my next door neighbor yelled lines in response to my lines.

[Cut to Bowen Yang from the sketch SoulCycle from home.]

Bowen Yang in sketch: It’s crazy to think that people can be watching this anywhere from Los Angeles to California.

[Cut to Bowen Yang]

Bowen Yang: I heard my neighbor say, “Los Angeles is in California.” Like, they didn’t get that I was shooting a sketch. I knocked on their door. I was just like, “We’re shooting this thing. I apologize. It won’t happen again.” But maybe it will happen again in two weeks.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Pete Davidson: The first thin I did was I did the Drake song and the Andre 2000 song. It was super weird. We would go outside and dance in the middle of the street. And then like, my neighbor would come and get his mail and just look up. And I’d be like, [smiling] “SNL at home. Ha-ha-ha.”

I had this other song that I was working on that I just on a whim sent to Sandler, and he ended up liking it. And then, he was just like, “I’m gonna do a verse on this.” And I was like, “Holy [bleep]. This is crazy.” And that is, by far, my favorite SNL moment that I’ve ever had for sure.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner.]

Heidi Gardner: It got better as the weeks went on.

[Cut to a sketch “FaceTime with Rudd”]

Mandy: Hello?

Paul Rudd: Mandy?

Mandy: Yeah. Mandy.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner.]

Heidi Gardner: I guess slowly, things just stopped being as overwhelming.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: And then the second one, we cranked it up a notch because now we had time to send wigs out and send costumes and it was obvious in that second episode.

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: I guess one of the best part was how our families got involved. My 7-year-old son, he would be in our read through.

[Cut to SNL cast having Zoom meeting. Mikey Day’s son is with him.]

Mikey Day on meeting: It’s hard on them too.

Mikey Day’s son: Like this bitch knows anything.

[everyone laughing]

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: We worked on this dad prank sketch.

[Cut to clips from the sketch ‘Dad Prank.’]

I wrote him a thank you. Right now, it’s just kind of annoying to have to go up and shoot and stuff. But when you’re older, I think you’ll think it’s pretty cool that you got to be a part of this show.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: Watching my daughter watch herself in my intro on the show, she was just beaming. She just couldn’t stop smiling. I mean, I could have cried watching that.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson with his daughters waving ‘bye’ at the camera] To see what you do immediately impact your child like that, that was a very touching moment.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: At home episodes sort of felt like, we got a job to do here. And it just sort of felt like an experimental thing.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: Specially when Brad Pitt said it like, “Live–

[Cut to sketch with Brand Pitt.]

Brad Pitt: — kinda’, from all across America, it’s Saturday Night.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: It’s like, “Okay, we’re getting a glimpse into an invincibility with this show.” Like, whether we do it at 30 Rock or not, I think we can figure out a way to get it done.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: For the “Dreams” sketch, I didn’t know what everyone else was doing.

[Cut to Kent Sublette at home]

Kent Sublette: I had been reading an article about COVID dreams and how intense they were to people and I’d had some myself. So, I started to think what would it like to see dreams of the cast? What they miss and you know, maybe we all sort of miss about New York?”

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: The director Paul Birganti directed over Zoom.

[Cut to Paul Birganti directing over Zoom.]

Paul Birganti: And action!

[Cut to Bowen Yang]

Bowen: We did a read through of it. After we finished it, all of us just looked at each other’s little tiles on Zoom and we were silent. And then I remember breaking the silence by being like, “I hope everyone has a good summer.”

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: Seeing the city and us being digitally put into the city was kind of bitter sweet and sad, but at the same time uplifting, seeing us all together again.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: I guess we just never thought that we would get to a point where we wouldn’t be able to have New York, walk in Time Square, be bumped into on 5th Avenue or any of that. It was very emotional.

[Cut to Bowen Yang.]

Bowen Yang: The show was a nice reminder that this was still possible. That it was still possible to sort of be there for each other, even though we were so seperate.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Getting to watch that episode from the comfort of my home in New York made me feel so connected to the city.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner]

Heidi Gardner: Coming off the elevator Saturday night and seeing a neighbor who was like, “Are you going to watch your show?” And I was like, “Yeah. Are you going to watch it?”

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: I am waiting for us to be able to get back in 30 Rock. Oh, man. I wish I could get a goodnight’s hug right now.

[Cut to Bowen Yang]

Bowen Yang: I can’t wait to go back. I can’t wait to go back and see everybody.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Pete Davidson: I’m really like, grateful that we had those three shows. I won’t forget and I’m appreciative to have been a part of it.

[Cut to a clip of SNL casts on Zoom meeting.]

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: What I want to say is we’ll get through this thing together but we’ll also come out on the other side with a little more compassion and appreciation for our world that we live in, you know? Show some more love to each other, show some more love to our planet. That’s all I can hope for. Peace.

SNL Stories from the Show- Unreleased (Eddie Murphy, John Mulaney and More)

[Starts with “Stories From the Show- An SNL Series” intro]

[Cut to John Mulaney]

John Mulaney: Josh Brolin, when he hosted, Sarah Palin came on, which was the same night that Will Forte first submitted ‘Fart Face.’

[Cut to a short clip from the sketch ‘Fart Face’]

Bill Hader: Given name is Carl but he likes to be called Fart Face.

[Cut to John Mulaney]

John Mulaney: So, at dress, the sketch does terribly.

[Cut to a short clip from the sketch ‘Fart Face’]

Bill Hader and Will Forte: [yelling] Fart Face! Fart Face! Fart Face!

Josh Brolin: No! Oh, god, no!

[Cut to John Mulaney]

John Mulaney: But it gets in. Everyone has a sense everyone in America is watching. And then, Josh Brolin, he’s looking up here at the bleachers like this. [looking up] And he’s just nodding at them. And he looks at Forte and Bill and he goes, “Let’s shut these [bleep] up.” And that was the Emmy episode.

[Cut to Will Ferrell]

Will Ferrell: They’re not really pranks. We did a lot of stuff waiting for Lorne at the read-through. Coz, you know, you’re always waiting a little bit and so, we sang ‘happy birthday’ for him when it was just not his birthday. He was like, “Oh, good. Thank you.” But he kind of was smiling. I think– yeah. [laughing]

[Cut to Eddie Murphy]

Eddie Murphy: There wasn’t a screen test. There was a series of audition. The first time I came here was just Neil Levy. Just me and Neil in his office, and he said, “Make me laugh.” And he sat back and I did my stick. And luckily coz I was doing standup already– See, I think a lot of actors come, somebody say, “Make me laugh,” and you don’t have an act, it might be pretty daunting. I did Muhammad Ali and Howard Cosell and Jimmy Carter. That’s how long ago it was. Jimmy Carter impression. And I did Bill Cosby. And he didn’t laugh at all. He just kind of sat and looked at me and said, “Thank you.” And then I left. I was like, “I guess I didn’t get it.” Then couple of weeks later, they call me and said, “Come in, we want to see you again.” Then I went back. This time, it was two people in a row. And they said, “Make me laugh” again. And I did the same thing again. And they said, “Thank you.” Then another week or two went by and they called me back again. And then I went. It was Liz Welch, Neil Levy and Mike Zanella. He was one of the producers on the show. And they said, “Make us laugh.” And I did all my stuff. Mike Zanella was in back and he did like this. [laughing unimpressively with one exhale.] That was my big laugh. That was the big laugh of the three auditions.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: We did a sketch called “Block Buster” where I played like, a hobo woman. And we literally shot all day and all night until about 7:30 in the morning. And then had to be back here at noon. So, the turnaround was horrible And I basically slept here as if it was my home. And then washed my hands and feet in the sink. Like, I’ve mostly used this space to recoup in some way. I think when people think of ‘SNL,’ they think of people doing coke, and mostly it’s me sitting right here with a blanket on.

[Cut to “Stories From the Show- An SNL Series” outro]

Woody Harrelson 1989 Monologue

Woody Harrelson

Liam Hemsworth

Josh Hutcherson

Jennifer Lawrence

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Woody Harrelson.

[The band is playing music]

[1 walks in and to the stage.]

[cheers and applause]

Woody Harrelson: Thank you. Thank you. It’s so great to be standing here. In fact, there’s 25 years almost to the day since the first time I hosted Saturday Night Live in 1989. I just heard Taylor Swift album which is called 1989. But with all due respect to miss Swift, I think I know a little bit more about 1989 than she does.

[Someone hands over Woody Harrelson a guitar]

Ah! Thank you. Even if the memories are a little fuzzy, because of the drugs.

[Woody Harrelson starts playing guitar and singing like the song ‘Blank Space’]

Seemed like it would last forever
1989
The Berlin Wall fell down
Cher sang Turn Back Time
Michael Keaton, he was Batman
I’m not sure who was president
I think I had a molly
After that I just forget
Oh, wait! I remember
I was on a show called Cheers
Then I won an Emmy
then got drunk on million beers
thought I met Margaret Thatcher
but it was Sadam Hussain
then I got a blank space baby
coz I used to do cocaine

This is a little bit, you know, I mean it was 1989. Wow!

[2 and 3 walk in and hug Woody Harrelson]

[cheers and applause]

Hey man! Last man in year. I haven’t seen you guys since– what was that– we did that thing together. What was..

Speaker 3: The Hunger Games, man!

Speaker 2: Hunger Games.

Woody Harrelson: Oh, yeah, yeah! You guys here to help me sing the Taylor Swift song about it? 1989?

Speaker 3: Well, actually, we weren’t even alive in 1989.

Speaker 1: What? How old are you guys?

Speaker 2: Well, I’m Twentyfour. He’s twentwo.

Speaker 1: Oh, my god! I thought you guys were like, in your early fourtys.

Speaker 3: No, we just know the stuffs you told us about 1989. Like, the Berlin Wall was torn down by the Kool-Aid Man.

Speaker 2: Einstein invented wifi.

Speaker 1: [laughing] I told you that in 1989, Einstein invented wifi? That is crazy.

Speaker 4: Guys. [4 walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Woody Harrelson: Oh, my god!

[Woody Harrelson hugs 4’s leg]

Speaker 4: What’s happening?

Speaker 1: I can’t believe. I mean, the real Taylor Swift. [audience laughing]

Speaker 4: Woody, I’m not Taylor Swift.

Speaker 1: Hah?

Speaker 4: I’m Jennifer. We’ve done about ten Hunger Games movies together.

Speaker 1: So, yeah. I didn’t recognize you without the big purple hair.

Speaker 2: No, no, no! Woody, that’s no–

Speaker 4: Not worth it.

[Cut to Woody Harrelson and 4]

Speaker 1: So, you gonna help me sing this, Jen? Or what?

Speaker 4: I don’t really think anyone wants to hear me sing. [cheers and applause] No! No! I wasn’t saying that to get your support. I don’t care. Just, when I sing, I sound like a deer that has been caught in a fence.

[Cut to 2 and 3]

Speaker 2: I would say it’s more like a dog being hit by a truck.

Speaker 3: Well, like one of those goat that screams like a human. [3 screams]

[Cut to everybody]

Speaker 4: I think I get the point. Yes. Woody, if you wanna sing about 89 and you don’t remember the details, just, you know, keep it vague.

[Cut to Woody Harrelson and 4]

Yeah! It’s like you always say. “Hey, man! You always over think it. You just gotta [blabbers].” You’re always so stoned.

[Cut to everybody]

Speaker 1: That does sound like a great advice. Okay. Two, three, four…

[music playing]

89 is forever
never, it will never die

[2 and 3 sing backup harmony]

there was probably a winter
there was also 4th of July

Everybody: Everybody had a birthday
England probably had a queen
Now it’s twentyfive years later

Woody Harrelson: The year, twentysixteen.

[Cut to Woody Harrelson and 4]

Speaker 4: twentysixteen, huh?

Woody Harrelson: Oh! This is so silly. I’m telling you guys, I smoked a lot of herb before I came here tonight.

[Cut to everybody]

Alright, we got a great show tonight. Kendrick Lamar is here. Stick around and we will be right back. .

Lizzo Truth Hurts (Live)

[Starts with Eddie Murphy announcing Lizzo’s live performance]

Eddie Murphy: Ladies and gentlemen, Lizzo!

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Lizzo on the stage with other female musicians.]

[musi playing

Lizzo: Why men great ’til they gotta be great?
Woo

I just took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that bitch
Even when I’m crying crazy
Yeah, I got boy problems, that’s the human in me
Bling bling, then I solve ’em, that’s the goddess in me
You coulda had a bad bitch, non-committal
Help you with your career just a little
You’re ‘posed to hold me down, but you’re holding me back
And that’s the sound of me not calling you back

Why men great ’til they gotta be great?
Don’t text me, tell it straight to my face
Best friend sat me down in the salon chair
Shampoo press, get you out of my hair
Fresh photos with the bomb lighting
New man on the Minnesota Vikings
Truth hurts, needed something more exciting
Bom bom bi dom bi dum bum bay

You tried to break my heart?
Oh, that breaks my heart
That you thought you ever had it
No, you ain’t from the start
Hey, I’m glad you’re back with your bitch
I mean who would wanna hide this?
I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever be your side chick
I put the sing in single
Ain’t worried ’bout a ring on my finger
So you can tell your friend, “shoot your shot” when you see ’em
It’s OK, he already in my DMs

I’ma hit you back in a minute
I don’t play tag, bitch, I been it
We don’t mess with lies, we don’t do goodbyes
We just keep it pushing like aye yi yi
I’ma hit you back in a minute
I don’t play tag, bitch, I been it
We don’t mess with lies, we don’t do goodbyes
We just keep it pushing like aye yi yi

[music stops]

[cheers and applause]

Bok Bok | Season 44 Episode 15

[Starts with a man walking to a Bok Bok fast food, a Bok Bok commercial]

Narrator: If you’re hungry for chicken, there’s never been a better time to come to Bok-Bok. Get your choice of a six-piece chicken supreme snack. Or a two-piece chicken dinner for $8.99 each. All served with a fresh biscuit and a flavorful fixen. Also, we’d like to take a second to clear up a few things you may have heard about our mascot, Bok-Bok. [Bok Bok looks scary and looks a lot like Momo of Momo hoax] Who does bear a slight resemblance to the internet urban legend and momo. But we promise Bok-Bok is not momo in a chicken suit. And she’s definitely not tempting kids with chicken so she can steal their souls. Bok-Bok is all about bringing you juicy chicken served hot. And sure, like momo, Bok-Bok is a human-bird hybrid who loves the company of children. But who cares when the food is this good. Please stop feeding my son. So stop being paranoid and bring the whole family down.

[Cut to drive-through]

Melissa Villaseñor: Hey, what can I get you today?

Heidi Gardner: [Talking to kids at the backseat] What do you guys want?

[Heidi adjusts her mirror to look at her kids. She sees Bok Bok.]

Bok Bok: Chicken.

[Everyone is scared and runs away]

Narrator: Yeah, that’s probably momo.

Video Bumper: Take your children to Bok-Boks.

Bok Bok: See you soon.

John Mulaney Stand-Up Monologue | Season 44 Episode 14

[Starts with SNL monologue intro. Band is playing the music.]

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, John Mulaney.

[John Mulaney comes in the door and walks to the stage]

[Cheers and applause]

John Mulaney: Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much. It’s great to be here hosting ‘Saturday Night Live’. I’m John Mulaney. If this is your first time ever tuning in, I host every week. [laughter] I’m fully kidding. This is only the second time I’ve hosted. I actually was lucky enough to host the show last April. I believe we have a photo. [Cut to picture of April, 2018 calendar] [laughter] [Cut to John Mulaney]Right. Right, it was April. It’s great to be in New York city, because I live in New York and it’s always convenient to be where you live. I was walking down West 13th street the other day. I was coming down West 13th and this couple was walking towards me. And as I walked passed them, they boyfriend said to me, “Hey cool guy.” And then his girlfriend goes, “Aww, that’s mean”. And I experienced both the compliment and the insult in real time. He was like, “Hey cool guy”. I was like, “Hey”. She was like, “That’s mean”. Was like, “Right”.

I was a cool person at one time. I used to do cocaine. That’s true, me, the person you’re looking at. [laughter] I would smell it into my nose. I get a high from it. Hey, quick tip from my experience, doing cocaine will not make your ex-girlfriend get back together with you, but it will make her worry about you, and in the end, what’s the difference? [laughter]

I’m very happily married now. My wife is Jewish. I was raised catholic which you could all tell from the moment I walked down. [laughter] That’s not a big deal. Getting married, Jewish and catholic. Only, a couple of people asked about it. And they were my parents. [laughter] Before we got married, my mother asked me if my wife was going to convert to Catholicism. You’re right to laugh. It’s a stupid question. [laughter] “Oh, I don’t know, mom. Let me go ask. Let me go see if a 29 year old Jewish woman, who doesn’t like any of my suggestions, [laughter] if she would convert to, what was it again? Roman Catholicism?” [laughter] How would I even have that conversation? What? Do I come home with a brochure? And I’m like, “Hey honey, allow me to tell you about an exciting not new organization. Don’t google us”. [laughter] “You know that strange look of shame and unhappiness I have in my eyes at all times especially after sex and it was all forced on me at birth? What if you voluntarily signed up for it?”

[Cheers and applause]

My wife and I have a French bulldog. Her name is Petunia. She’s great. [Cheers and applause] She’s got a little flat face. She likes to walk but she can’t walk far because she cannot breathe well by design. [laughter] So we push her around New York in a stroller. That’s absolutely true. And this next story is also absolutely true. My wife was pushing our bulldog, Petunia, in a stroller down 7th Avenue South a few months ago. She’s pushing her down 7th Avenue. My wife gets to 7th Avenue and Leroy street. At 7th Avenue and Leroy street, a car pulls up. Out of the car and steps Woody Allen and Soon Yi Previn. My wife stares at Woody and Soon Yi. Woody and Soon Yi stare at a woman [laughter] pushing a bulldog in a stroller. The four of them stare at each other. And then they all kind of nod as if to say none of this is right. And then they went their separate ways. [laughter]

I personally take the subway a lot in New York. I love the subway, because of the male and female voices that narrate the subway. That man and that woman. The woman who does the subway announcements and her way too loud husband. [laughter] You know the woman is like, “The next stop is Christopher Street”. [Yelling] “Stand clear of the closing door, please!” [laughter] Why are shouting? What are you, in the next room? I asked my friend who works for the city, “Why is it a male voice and a female voice?” He told me, “Because it’s been proven that people will take information from a female voice, but they will only take a warning from a male voice.” Now that’s it’s own American gender nightmare that we don’t have time to get into. But I have to say I trust that woman more. I like how she says subway stops because she always says them like they are little secret. She’s always like, “The next stop is, [pause] Chambers street”. [laughter] “Assaulting an MTA worker!” I wasn’t going to do that. They warn you about that.

Now, there’s also signs in the back of taxi cab that says, “Murdering a taxi driver will get you 25 years in prison”. Oh, okay, I guess I won’t do it. [laughter] That doesn’t happen in any other industry. Not like in restaurants, they’re like, “Your server Michael will be right over. Oh, by the way, killing a waiter in the state of New York is a class 8 felony. I’m going to get you some bread.” [laughter]

There is so many police car sirens in New York. But there is a new type of siren. It’s been around for past two, three years. You’ve probably heard of it. It’s a new siren. It’s a little faster, and it also has a fun and funky beat. And I think that cops like to use their siren more because they know it sounds fun and they know it sounds funky. You’ve heard the new siren that is like— [making new siren sounds] It’s like there’s a DJ in the back of the patrol car. It sounds like two sirens talking to each other, like–[making new siren sounds, with hand gesturing as if talking to people] [laughter] It’s so fast. Sirens used to be so slow and beautiful. I was watching this old movie on turner classic movies, because I was not an athletic child. And it was a Hitchcock movie called Rope, and at the end of Rope, there’s a gunshot. Bang. And then you hear this old fashioned siren. And it was slow and beautiful. It was like –[making old siren sounds] It was like an old, gay cat was dying. [laughter] But not a sad death. Not a sad death. He’s lived a full life and he’s surrounded by loved ones and he’s in hospice. He’s in cat hospice. [laughter] And he’s holding hands with a Rabbi and he’s just kind of ––[making old siren sound]

We have a great show. Thomas Rhett is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.

Alec Baldwin Returns to SNL | Season 44 Episode 13

[Starts with Alec Baldwin at his makeup room. He is getting makeover of Donald Trump.]

Donald Trump: Tremendous to be here. Just tremendous. [Alec Baldwin wears coat and a wig] My fans love when I play this. But it’s clear something hasn’t changed. [Donald Trump is walking to the stage] The point is, my presidency has been successful. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Don Cheadle Monologue | Season 44 Episode 13

[Starts with SNL intro]

Announcer: [Band is playing the music] Ladies and gentlemen, Don Cheadle.

[Don Cheadle gets in the door. He runs to the stage and dances.]

Don Cheadle: Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much. It is so great to be here. I entered ‘The Avengers Host SNL’ Raffle, and I won! [Cheers and applause] So this is my first time hosting, and I think I waited this long, because I’m a little O.C.D. about my projects. I was in the movie ‘Traffic’. Then I was in ‘Rush Hour’. Then I was in ‘Crash’. So that had to be in the right order.[Laughter] I’ve been in show business for over 30 years and a lot of people know me. And a whole lot of people, you know, they sort of know me. I get was I called ‘Percussive recognition’. People are like – [Acting as if he’s trying to get the person’s name, snapping fingers] “oh, you’re, um—um—’ , you know, the longer it goes on, it kind of turns into a Tito Puente thing like—[Act of Tito Puente, snapping fingers] [Laughter]. But when you’ve played as many characters as I have, you’ve got fans from a lot of different things. It’s gotten to the point where I know what people recognize me from based on the face they make when they walk up. You know if I get a dude with a face like— [Face expression as if being proud] I know it’s ‘Boogie Nights’. If I get this – [Joining hands and crying face expression] that’s ‘Hotel Rwanda’ face. And if I get this – [Face expression as if being shocked] well, that’s the face of a true fan who realizes he’s about to meet ice tray from the ‘Homeboy, Sweet Homeboy’ episode of ‘Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’. ! [Cheers and applause]

And really, look, I love any fan who wants to meet me. Especially the people from New York city. I love New Yorkers, because they are direct. Most places, it’s “Hey, can I take a picture?” But in New York it’s like, “Yo, man, let’s get this pic dawg”. [Laughter] And you know they’re not gonna stop with just one. We got three options. We gotta get the goofy one, and we gotta get the serious one, and then all of a sudden I’m taking a picture of just them. [Laughter] I’m not even in it thing. I’m always happy to take a picture. The key is, if you got to wait for the proper because—

[Leslie Jones joins Don Cheadle]

Leslie Jones: Yeah! That’s all I need to hear, baby. Yeah! Let’s get this thing man. [Leslie starts getting selfies with Don Cheadle]

Don Cheadle: I’m kind of in the middle of my monologue right now.

Leslie Jones: Oh, we getting this pic. Say ‘Rwanda Forever’.

Don Cheadle: All right. Rwanda Forever.

Leslie Jones: Now take a picture of me [Leslie passes her phone to Don] and make it look like I ain’t looking.

Don Cheadle: I got you. I got you. [Leslie poses] We’re good.

Leslie Jones: Oh my god. Thank, Don! We gotta have a great show tonight. It’s Don Cheadle is here!

Don Cheadle: Hey, Gary Clark Jr.! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

[Ends with Leslie and Don taking more selfies]