Connie… Sasheer Zamata
Louise… Cecily Strong
Sam… Louis C.K.
Johnny… Pete Davidson
Leslie Jones[Starts with girls walking into a soda shop]
Connie: Gee, gang, that math test was the bees knees.
Vanessa: Honey, you’re such a nerd. Isn’t Connie a nerd, Louise? Louise?
Louise: Oh, sorry. I wasn’t listening. I was moping.
Aidy: Louise, are you still upset about not getting asked to dance.
Vanessa: We know what will make you feel better.
Aidy: Hey, Sam, how about a root beer float? We got someone down in the dumps.
Sam: Sure thing, girls. But speaking of ice cream, what’s the scoop? Who is the pouty penny?
Louise: It’s me. I’m the only girl who didn’t get asked to the spring fling bepop and sock hop.
Sam: Well, sounds to me like those boys are making a whooper of a mistake. I’m gonna give you an extra scoop of vanilla on the house.
Louise: Aw, thanks Sam. I wish all the boys to be more like you.
Girls: Sam’s the best.
Sam: Well, heck, if I were 20 years younger, I would ask you myself. I mean it. And geez, I’d even ask you right now, the age I am right now.
Louise: Ha-ha, Sam. Very funny.
Connie: Sam tells the best jokes.
Sam: Ha-ha-ha. So, what do you say?
Louise: To what, Sam?
Sam: The dance. Are we doing it or what?
Louise: The spring fling, Sam?
Aidy: Ha-ha. That’s for teenagers, Sam.
Sam: Well, then wouldn’t it wow the crowd to show up with an older man on your arm?
Vanessa: I would go with Sam if he asked me.
Sam: Well, I didn’t ask you, stupid. I asked Louise.
Louise: Sam, you’re being awfully nice, but I wanted to go to the dance in a normal way, like with a boy my age instead of an older married man.
Sam: [laughing] Married? Please. The next time I kiss my wife will be at her funeral.
Louise: Neato, Sam.
Sam: Hey, you know what would be fun if we did a test run?
Louise: Of what?
Sam: Our date.
Louise: We’re still talking about that?
Sam: Well, sure. Let’s pretend that this booth over here is a car. [Sam pulls Louise and puts her in a booth with him.] Just for pretend.
Louise: You sure are cookie, Sam.
Vanessa: Hey, this is fun. Can we be a part of the scene?
Sam: No, so shut up.[Sam is pretending like he’s driving]
Louise: Sam, this is nice and all. But…
Sam: Wait. Get down, Louise. [pretending like he’s shooting people outside the car] Bang, bang. Did you see that?
Sam: I killed two people.
Louise: Why? Why did you do that?
Sam: Well, I didn’t like they way they were talking about you. They were saying stuff like, “Louise thinks she is better than all of us now that she has fallen in love with a married man and I hear they are running way to get married some place where the rules are different.”
Louise: Okay. Thank you, Sam, but I would like to get out of the car now.
Sam: You can’t. We are in a tunnel.
Aidy: Where is there a tunnel on the way to school?
Connie: I don’t think he’s taking her to school.[Johnny walks in]
Johnny: Louise, I have been looking all over for you.
Louise: For me? Why, Johnny?
Johnny: Well, coz I’ve been trying to do this. Louie Marie Conolioly, will you be my date for the spring fling?
Louise: Oh, Johnny, of course I will[Sam stands]
Sam: So, um, what does that mean for me?[Leslie walks in]
Leslie: Connie? I made dinner and you are here at the pervert’s soda shop?
Vanessa: Um, Louie made us come. She always makes us come here because she knows Sam is going to make inappropriate sexual advances towards her.
Louise: It’s a game I like. I like knowing that I could get Sam in big trouble for the things he says, but he does it anyway. Makes me feel powerful. I know it sounds silly, but I do want to be a dominatrix when I grow up so it’s not as hair brained as it sounds. Anyway, [holds Johnny’s hands] see you, Sam.[Everyone walks out]
Sam: OH, well, I guess it’s just you dancing alone again tonight, Sam.
[Sam hits the glass in Jukebox and cuts his hand]
Oh, I cut the heck out of my hand.