Sound of Music- Rolf and Liesl

Rolf… John Mulaney

Liesl… Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with show schedule]

This is Turner Classic Movies. Up next it’s “Fiddler On The Roof For Wasps, The Sound Of Music.”

[Cut to Rolf standing alone in a room. Liesl runs in.]

Liesl: Oh Rolf, you waited.

Rolf: Oh Liesl, I was beginning to think you wouldn’t come.

Liesl: Sorry I’m late. The captain made me sing in a night gown in front of all his friends.

Rolf: The captain’s your dad, right? Yes, and I’m worried about him. Papa says I’m too young to be in love but I think I love you.

[music playing]

[singing] I am 16, going on 17
I know that naive
fellows who meet me tell me I’m sweet
and willingly I believe

Rolf: That’s true.

Liesl: You are 17, going on 18

Rolf: Actually I’m 33

Liesl: Wait, what?

Rolf: I know I look young and I said I’m young
But I lied, I’m 33

Liesl: You’re 33? But, you ride a bicycle.

Rolf: Oh, that’s because I’m very poor, darling.

Liesl: And you live with your mother.

Rolf: Wow, she’s got a list. Look, you’re only as old as you feel. Liesl, do you know what statutory means?

Liesl: No.

Rolf: It means I looked it up and we’re on the right side of the cusp.

Liesl: I don’t know, Rolf. It’s a pretty big age difference. And I don’t want to say this but there’s rumors that you’re maybe a Nazi maybe.

Rolf: Focus on the age stuff.

Liesl: Well, I don’t know if I can trust you.

[music playing]

Rolf: [singing] Don’t be dramatic it’s not a great look
trust me I know what guys like

Liesl: But I am 16

Rolf: And I am 38
I’ve had some birthdays since we started talking

Liesl: 38? But you said 33.

Rolf: Oh, let me explain.

[singing] I am 33, next month I’ll be 39
baby I’m
41

Liesl: Rolf?

Rolf: Liesl? I know you’re freaked out but this is Austria, 1930-bad. In a few months, this will be the least of your worries.

Liesl: You keep saying stuff like that.

Rolf: Can I help it that I’m attracted to you? You’re so mature and sophisticated.

Liesl: Really? You think I seem older?

Rolf: Yes. What? With the complaining and those hefty naturals? Honestly, when I first came to the house, I thought you were the mom.

Liesl: Oh, I don’t know. You’re a geriatric telegram boy. And I’m rich and good with puppets. So you do the math.

Rolf: I know I’m not perfect. But I’ve talked to mother and I’m moving out.

Liesl: Really? You bought a house?

Rolf: No. I rented. With roommates.

[singing] Ricks and Hans and Kevin and Girble

and four other guys named Hans

Liesl: That’s a lot of Nazis. But I still don’t know how I feel about dating an older guy.

Rolf: Oh, Rolf. Age is just a number that the government keeps track of. For example,

[singing] I am 46

Liesl: That’s older than my father

Rolf: Damn how sexy is that?

Liesl: I do like attention and not to mention
my brain’s not totally formed

Rolf: Oh, Liesl. I like that so much.

[a man and a woman walk in with two other guards.]

Woman: That’s him.

Man: Stop it at once!

Liesl: Papa?

Rolf: Oh, hello Gaylord.

Man: Oh, shut up.

Rolf: But that’s your name, isn’t it? Gaylord Vantrap.

Man: Yes. But you know what you’re doing.

Woman: Oh, just arrest the pervert.

Man: Hey, how old are you by the way?

Woman: [singing] I’m old enough but it’s still kind of dicey

Man: Lehi-ho lehi-ho lehi-um-hmm.