Waiter… Michael Longfellow
Sue… Amy Schumer
Heidi Gardner[starts with a waiter serving three ladies]
Waiter: All right, so we have to house salads. And the matzah balls soup.
Sue: Oh, me, me. me. That’s for me.
Waiter: You guys go ahead and enjoy.
Sue: Thank you. I have been craving this soup. I can’t even tell you. It just like, brings me home.
Ego: Sounds amazing.
Sue: Yeah, well, you can’t have any. Ha-ha-ha. I’m kidding. But I’m not because like, I’ve been thinking about this soup like non stop. For real, I like woke up out of a dead sleep the other night just like thinking about this soup. Like, sat straight up, eyes wide open. It was like, “Matzah balls soup for Sue,” like a psycho. I’m so happy right now.
Heidi: So I guess I have some news.
Sue: Oh, what is it?[Sue is about to take her first sip of soup when…]
Heidi: Matt and I are separating.
Ego: Oh, no. What?
Sue: Oh, girly for real?
Heidi: Yeah, but I don’t want to run lunch. Just eat.
Sue: Yeah. Yeah, let’s eat and then talk. That feels great.[Sue is about to take her first sip of soup when…]
Ego: Of course we’re not going to eat. That is so sad.
Sue: Oh my god. I know. God. Thank you for telling us. And obviously let us know like how it works out. Yeah.[Sue is about to take her first sip of soup when…]
Heidi: He said he’s gonna take the kids.
Ego: My god, that monster. What a bastard.
Sue: Yeah. Oh, God. Well, you know what I say? Good riddance, right?[Sue is about to take her first sip of soup when…]
Ego: Good riddance to her kids? No, I don’t think so. We got to make a plan.
Heidi: I’m already talking to a lawyer. [phone vibrating] God, here he is now.
Sue: Oh good, you better take that call. Yeah, take as long as you need. Like, go outside.[Sue is about to take her first sip of soup when…]
Heidi: [on the phone] What? No!
Sue: Now what?
Heidi: My lawyer got disbarred. My life is just such a mess right now. You don’t even know the half of it. Like I told you guys, I got that VP of marketing job. And it was total BS. [Sue is looking at other people at the restaurant enjoying their food] I never even applied for it. There’s all this other stuff too. Like, I’ve been drinking as soon as I wake up, and I steal my son’s Adderall and he really needs it.[Kenan pops up at the side of Sue’s head in idea cloud]
Kenan: [singing] How long must I wait
to eat my soup without looking like an a hole?
It’s not that I don’t care about her,
but I care about my soup a little more.
My God, she’s still talking
but hey, at least she’s not crying
Never mind she just started crying
oh, but I have a great idea
if I pretend to take a drink of my water
I can take the straw and put it in my soup
this plan is pretty perfect
the Straw is hitting broth
and oh my god, she just asked me a question
Heidi: I mean, Sue, what would you do?
Sue: I think, yeah, you should go for it.
Ego: Represent herself in court? No.
Heidi: I don’t know what to do. Would you mind if I had a sip of your water? I finished mine.[Kenan pops up at the side of Sue’s head in idea cloud]
Kenan: [singing] Damn, she’s taking my water
I better hide the straw in my shirt
but oh, what is this? She’s sobbing at last
her head in her hands,
can’t let this moment pass
gotta eat this soup
Heidi: I feel so much better. Thank you girls for letting me vent.
Sue: [with food in her mouth] Oh my god, every time for you girl.
Heidi: How’s your soup?
Sue: It is hotter than I thought. But I’m okay.[Kenan is standing in front of the ladies now]
Kenan: [singing] Gotta eat this soup