Waiter… Michael Longfellow

Sue… Amy Schumer

Ego Nwodim

Heidi Gardner

[starts with a waiter serving three ladies]

Waiter: All right, so we have to house salads. And the matzah balls soup.

Sue: Oh, me, me. me. That’s for me.

Waiter: You guys go ahead and enjoy.

Sue: Thank you. I have been craving this soup. I can’t even tell you. It just like, brings me home.

Ego:  Sounds amazing.

Sue: Yeah, well, you can’t have any. Ha-ha-ha. I’m kidding. But I’m not because like, I’ve been thinking about this soup like non stop. For real, I like woke up out of a dead sleep the other night just like thinking about this soup. Like, sat straight up, eyes wide open. It was like, “Matzah balls soup for Sue,” like a psycho. I’m so happy right now.

Heidi: So I guess I have some news.

Sue: Oh, what is it?

[Sue is about to take her first sip of soup when…]

Heidi: Matt and I are separating.

Ego: Oh, no. What?

Sue: Oh, girly for real?

Heidi: Yeah, but I don’t want to run lunch. Just eat.

Sue: Yeah. Yeah, let’s eat and then talk. That feels great.

[Sue is about to take her first sip of soup when…]

Ego: Of course we’re not going to eat. That is so sad.

Sue: Oh my god. I know. God. Thank you for telling us. And obviously let us know like how it works out. Yeah.

[Sue is about to take her first sip of soup when…]

Heidi: He said he’s gonna take the kids.

Ego: My god, that monster. What a bastard.

Sue: Yeah. Oh, God. Well, you know what I say? Good riddance, right?

[Sue is about to take her first sip of soup when…]

Ego: Good riddance to her kids? No, I don’t think so. We got to make a plan.

Heidi: I’m already talking to a lawyer. [phone vibrating] God, here he is now.

Sue: Oh good, you better take that call. Yeah, take as long as you need. Like, go outside.

[Sue is about to take her first sip of soup when…]

Heidi: [on the phone] What? No!

Sue: Now what?

Heidi: My lawyer got disbarred. My life is just such a mess right now. You don’t even know the half of it. Like I told you guys, I got that VP of marketing job. And it was total BS. [Sue is looking at other people at the restaurant enjoying their food] I never even applied for it. There’s all this other stuff too. Like, I’ve been drinking as soon as I wake up, and I steal my son’s Adderall and he really needs it.

[Kenan pops up at the side of Sue’s head in idea cloud]

Kenan: [singing] How long must I wait
to eat my soup without looking like an a hole?
It’s not that I don’t care about her,
but I care about my soup a little more.
My God, she’s still talking
but hey, at least she’s not crying

[she starts crying]

Never mind she just started crying

oh, but I have a great idea
if I pretend to take a drink of my water
I can take the straw and put it in my soup
this plan is pretty perfect
the Straw is hitting broth

and oh my god, she just asked me a question

Heidi: I mean, Sue, what would you do?

Sue: I think, yeah, you should go for it.

Ego: Represent herself in court? No.

Heidi: I don’t know what to do. Would you mind if I had a sip of your water? I finished mine.

[Kenan pops up at the side of Sue’s head in idea cloud]

Kenan: [singing] Damn, she’s taking my water
I better hide the straw in my shirt
but oh, what is this? She’s sobbing at last
her head in her hands,
can’t let this moment pass
gotta eat this soup

[Sue finishes her soup]

Heidi: I feel so much better. Thank you girls for letting me vent.

Sue: [with food in her mouth] Oh my god, every time for you girl.

Heidi: How’s your soup?

Sue: It is hotter than I thought. But I’m okay.

[Kenan is standing in front of the ladies now]

Kenan: [singing] Gotta eat this soup