Captain Ed McGovern….Steve Carell
Lieutenant Becker….Leslie Jones
Lieutenant Sussman….Mikey Day
Kid (Paulston Middle School, Connecticut)….Ego Nwodim
Teacher Hailey (Tillman Middle School, Wyoming)….Aidy Bryant
Teacher (Orchard Middle School, Ohio)….Alex Moffat
Frozen Astronaut…Kate McKinnon
[Intro of NASA Television]
Captain Ed McGovern: [Cut to Sussman, Becker, and Ed] Hello, earthlings and happy space day. Captain Ed McGovern broadcasting live from the international space station to over 5,000 K through 8 science classrooms across the U.S.A. As I am joined by Lieutenant Sussman and Becker.
Lieutenant Sussman: Hi.
Lieutenant Becker: Hey!
Captain Ed McGovern: There’s also some Russian cosmonauts on board. It’s a party up here. Get back to work, bums.
Lieutenant Sussman: Okay. Bye-bye. [Sussman and Becker leave]
Captain Ed McGovern: I can’t wait to answer some of your questions about space and science. Let’s start with Paulson Middle School in Connecticut.
Kid (Paulston Middle School, Connecticut): [A student appears on the right bottom of the screen] Hi, what kind of experiments are you doing up there?
Captain Ed McGovern: Great question. We are actually studying how animals adapt to space, and we have funny monkey friends up here helping us out. Thanks for your question, star student. Okay, next. [Sound of a blast] God, mother of god. Oh, what happened?
Lieutenant Sussman: [Sussman comes in the screen] Sorry about that.
Captain Ed McGovern: What happened?
Lieutenant Sussman: There was an airlock breach in the bio lab. Got a little chilly in there but everything is fine now.
Captain Ed McGovern: Okay. Are the animals alright?
Lieutenant Sussman: What’s up?
Captain Ed McGovern: Are the animals alright?
Lieutenant Becker: [Becker comes in the screen] I need you right now.
Lieutenant Sussman: Yep. [Sussman and Becker leave]
Captain Ed McGovern: Well, I Apollo-gize about that. Let’s get back to questions. How about Tillman Middle School in Laramie, Wyoming.
Teacher Hailey: [Hailey appears on the right bottom of the screen] Hi, this is Haley like the comet and like Eminem’s daughter. Um, how big is the space station?
Captain Ed McGovern: That is a great question. It’s about 32,000 square feet. Down this way, there is a long corridor [frozen monkey floats in front of Ed] that winds into several works and living stations. [Sussman takes away the monkey] It’s kind of like a floating hamster habitat. Thanks, Haley, make sure that you comet to your studies. Now, let’s go to Orchard Middle School in Ohio.
Teacher (Orchard Middle School, Ohio): [Teacher appears on the right bottom of the screen] Hi, I’m a teacher. My students and I wanted to ask how you guys make food up there, but we’d like to change our question too, is that frozen monkey okay?
Captain Ed McGovern: What monkey? [frozen monkey floats in front of Ed] Oh. OH! This little guy, it’s Capooka. What are you doing? Yikes, he is cold! Wave hello, to everyone. [Ed tries to wave monkey’s hand but the hand breaks] Oh my god! Oh, god! No, no, no, no. [Sussman takes away that monkey] Okay, goodbye. Capooka! Teacher’s out there if you can mute your classroom TV for just a sec while I attend to some space business, that would be great. So, hit mute now. Sussman, what’s going on with the monkeys?
Lieutenant Sussman: [Sussman stands into the screen] Yes, they all froze.
Captain Ed McGovern: Oh, Ki Chi?
Lieutenant Sussman: Yeah, Ki Chi hit a wall and shattered.
Captain Ed McGovern: Oh, and the cat?
Lieutenant Sussman: Oh, the cat is weird. The pressure change caused its face to kind of like suck into itself. Good news is though; he’s alive.
Captain Ed McGovern: That’s not good news! There’s a cat with no face floating around! How bad is it down there?
Lieutenant Sussman: Come, look. [Ed and Sussman go down][Cat with the face looking like a butt hole floats into the screen]
Lieutenant Becker: [Becker appears on the screen] Cat ain’t got no damn face. [Becker leaves]
Lieutenant Sussman: [Ed and Sussman come again] So what do you want me to do?
Captain Ed McGovern: Just go seal off node three and try to find Svetlana.
Lieutenant Sussman: Yes, sir. [Sussman leaves]
Captain Ed McGovern: Oh, god! Be aware of your feet, please. Your shoes touched my mouth. Okay. Welcome back. Hey, here’s a fun fact. We are 234 miles above the Earth’s surface. And the view isn’t half bad. Come closer here. Look at that beautiful blue marble Coldef. Isn’t that spect—[Frozon human floats outside of the space ship] Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Svetlana! Oh, hey kids, don’t worry. That cosmonaut is fine. The Russians are used to being cold. Sussman, get on the crane. [Sussman comes and controls the arm of the spaceship]
Lieutenant Sussman: She’s so frozen, she might break.
Captain Ed McGovern: So don’t say that, please. Now, kids, what Lieutenant Sussman is doing is trying to give her just a little nudge back towards the hatch.
Lieutenant Sussman: If I do bring her in, it’ll be in pieces.
Captain Ed McGovern: Try harder, and please don’t say that.
Lieutenant Becker: [Becker appears nodding her head] I’m sorry, kids, this is a bad day for space. [Becker leaves]
Captain Ed McGovern: Okay. Who wants to hear a space joke? What is an astronaut’s favorite drink? A root beer float!
Lieutenant Sussman: Oh, my god, she’s breaking like a saltine.
Captain Ed McGovern: Will you cut the god damn feed!