Tag: Spider

Biden Spider-Man Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with President Joe Biden speaking on a podium]

Male voice: And now a message from President Joe Biden.

Joe Biden: Good evening. Hello, my fellow Americans. As I keep saying every chance I get, we’re in the middle of a cold, dark winter. This winter is so dark Republicans don’t think you should vote. Well, this virus has disrupted our lives, it’s canceled holidays, weddings, quinceaneras, gender reveal parties, wildfires that started as gender reveal parties, whatever the hell is happening with Novak Djokovic. I know you’re tired of getting emails from your kids’ school late at night saying, “Okay, come in tomorrow. We’re feeling lucky.” I know every time a stranger breathes on you, you think, “That’s it, I’m dead.” America, I’m here to tell you. There’s one simple thing you can do to make this whole virus go away. Stop seeing Spider Man. Just stop seeing Spider-Man. Think about it. When does Spider-Man man come out? December 17. When did every single person get Omachron? The week after December 17. Stop seeing Spider Man. That’s really all I have to say. I yield the remainder of my time for questions. Yes.

Ego: Yes, I’m sorry. Did you really just blame the entire spread of Omicron on people seeing Spider Man?

Joe Biden: I did. Yes. Next question.

Bowen: So, you think all COVID will end if people stopped going to the movies?

Joe Bien: I didn’t say don’t go to the movies. I said stop seeing Spider Man. See anything else? I saw the first half hour of “House a Gucci.” That’s more than enough movie for anyone.

Heidi: Is this theory based on any kind of data?

Joe Biden: Yes. Everyone in America has seen Spider Man like eight times. Everyone in America also has COVID. Stop seeing Spider Man.

Ego: Have you seen Spider Man?

Joe Biden: I couldn’t get tickets. And I’m on a Stub’s A list. Jill and I tried to go last night. They only had one seat left in the front row. What was I supposed to do? Make Jill go see “Encanto” alone while I sit two inches from the screen like this? Stop seeing Spider-Man.

Bowen: Alright, but what about experts who say that the real problem is a lack of testing?

Joe Biden: Oh, they’ve touched a Spider-Man. This got 98% on Au Gratin Potatoes.

Heidi: He meant testing for COVID.

Joe Biden: You want to know if you have COVID? Look at your head. Is it holding a ticket that says you recently went to see Spider-Man? If so, then you have COVID.

Chris: Alright, well then what about the other problems facing America? Like, inflation?

Joe Biden: Spider Man.

Bowen: Okay, then why can’t Democrats pass the Voting Rights bill?

Joe Biden: You think people can focus on voting rights? When Spider Man’s Aunt May is a freaking smoke show?

Ego: Mr. President, isn’t the real reason you can’t pass the Voting Rights Act because members of your own party refuse to get rid of the filibuster?

Joe Biden: It’s true. Spider-Man has his villains. I have Joe Manchin and Kirsten Sinema. The only difference is when a Spider-Man’s villain saw Kyrsten Sinema, they’d be like, “Hey, honey, that outfits a little much.”

Heidi: And what about the Russian troops that are now surrounding the Ukrainian border pushing us to the brink of World War III?

Joe Biden: I mean, if that doesn’t sound like a job for Spider-Man, I don’t know what is. Okay, I have time for one more question. Yes. The nerd.

Andrew: Mr. President, it sounds like you want people to stop seeing Spider-Man.

Joe Biden: It’s a general idea. Yes.

Andrew: But do you think that elsewhere in the multiverse there’s a version of you that wants people to see Spider-Man?

Joe Biden: Finally a good question. I’ve actually thought about this a lot. I’m consulting with Dr. Fauci and Dr. Strange. As far as I can tell, there are at least three Joe Bidens. One of them’s me. One of them’s a Joe Biden that lost to Trump. That Biden hosts a show on CNBC called “T-birds, Tacos and Trains.” And then there’s a third Joe Biden, who’s the greatest president in history. My approval ratings are sky high. I’m actually supported by my own party. And I understand the show euphoria.

Ego: I’m sorry. You’re now saying that we’re living in a Spider-Man style multiverse?

Joe Biden: Doesn’t that make more sense than whatever the hell our current world is? I mean, seriously? Seriously. Come on! Such a wake up every morning to look at the news and think, “Oh, this can’t be right. This is all crazy.” People got vaccinated and the pandemic got worse. To wear a mask in a restaurant for the 10 feet until you sit down. The take it off for the whole meal. Once you gotta go to the bathroom, he got to put it back on the bathroom. Is there COVID in the bathroom? How does any of it make sense?

Heidi: Mr. President, are you okay?

Joe Biden: For the first time, hell yes. It’s like the webs have fallen from my eyes. We can finally see. You are ready.

[smoke appears beside Joe Biden. Then Pete walks out of the smoke.]

Pete: And the time has come. You are ready.

Bowen: Okay, who the hell is that?

Pete: I am Joe Biden from the real universe. The timeline you’re living in is about to collapse. You see, it was created as a joke starting in 2016 when the Chicago Cubs won the World Series. Now it spiraled out of control and could explode in a minute.

Joe Biden: Am I the president in this real world?

Pete: Of course not. Did you really think you would lose four times and then finally when when you were 78?

Heidi: What about the rest of us? Are we okay in the real world?

Pete: Everyone on earth is better off in the real world, except one man named Pete Davidson. Your world is may be more fun for him. Now, hurry before the portal closes.

Joe Biden: I’ll come back for all of you I promise. Right, after I pass the Build Back Better bill.

Pete: Dude, even in the real universe, that thing’s not passing.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Prison Job

Phillip… Chris Redd

Norman… Donald Glover

Allen… Kenan Thompson

Prison guard… Alex Moffat

Spider… Beck Benett

[Starts with guys talking to each other.]

Phillip: Yo, I’m telling y’all, man. I gotta get out of this prison, dog.

Norman: Man, I’m never coming back here.They got us working thirty cents an hour.

Allen: It’s like modern day slavery. I feel like these walls are changing me.

Phillip: I know what you mean, man. Like, last week this new MA came up, asked me what size my sneakers was. I said, “Yo size, bitch!”

Norman: Damn! So then what happened?

Phillip: Then he tried to grab me by my collar, right? That’s when I– [phone ringing] Hold on a second. [speaking very politely on the phone] Um, good morning. Customer service. My name is Phillip. Oh, how can I assist you today? Uh, alright ma’am. Please stay online while I direct you to the manager. Alright. Thank you. [Phillip presses the extension number and continues with his story with the guys speaking toughly again.] Then I grabbed the razor that I was hiding in my butt cheeks and cut his ear off, fam.

Allen: I know exactly who you talking about, man. He tried the same thing with my boy Freddie. You know Freddie, right?

Norman: Freddie that made cognac in the toilet?

Allen: No, not that Freddie. [phone ringing] Hold on. [speaking very politely on the phone] Customer service. This is Allen speaking. How can I assist you this afternoon? Well, yes. That particular necklace is real turquoise in a 14 carat gold plated trim. Oh, you have a lovely day too. Alright. [hangs up the phone and continues with his story with the guys speaking toughly.] No. Freddie that stabbed the guard in the neck with a spoon.

Norman: Oh, yeah. I know Freddie. Um-hmm. He trie to jump me in a bathroom. There was like, five of em’. But you know me, I’m crazy. So, I pulled down my pants and then– [phone ringing] Hond on. [speaking very politely on the phone] It’s a gorgeous Wednesday morning. This is Norman. How can I be at your service today? Well, yes, ma’am. And might I say, that is a lovely choice. I personally have that in my very same unit in my kitchen. Okay. Okay, now. I’m gonna put you through. Alright, bye. [hangs up the phone and continues with his story with the guys speaking toughly.] I crapped in my hands and then I threatened to touch them with it.

Phillip: Yo, we been there. Err’body been there. Y’all heard about Rico though?

Norman: Who Rico? The cop killer?

Phillip: Nah, nah, nah. Not that Rico, man.

Allen: Rico the drug lord?

Phillip: Nah, man! Rico! The guy that makes all the silly puns.

Norman: Oh! You mean fun Rico.

Phillip: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fun Rico.

Norman: Oh, he’s the best. I just love his silly puns.

Allen: Yeah. He’s the only thing that keeps me going. But what about him?

Phillip: He hung himself.

Norman: Oh, my god.

Allen: No.

Phillip: He was hanging there.

[phone ringing]

Norman: [speaking very politely on the phone] Customer service. Well, thank you very much for the positive feedback, ma’am. I do remind you that there is a short five minute survey– [hangs up the phone and continues talking to the guys toughly.] She hung up on me.

Allen: Argh! I hate when they do that.

Norman: How hard is it to take a five minute survey?

Phillip: I know. It’s like, one more good review and I make parole, lady.

[phone ringing]

Allen: Ma’am, are you still waiting on hold? I am so sorry for the inconvenience. Please be patient with us. God bless you too. [hangs up the phone and continues talking to the guys toughly.] Argh! I hate when customers have to hold. Makes me wanna kill again.

Phillip and Norman: I feel you. Me too.

[A prison guard walks in with a guy, Spider, on straitjacket]

Prison guard: Enough chitchat in here fellas!

Spider: [making crazy face] Why don’t you loosen these straps for me just a little, will ya?

Prison guard: Yeah, right. So you can eat me like you did your last cell mate? You sick bastard!

Norman: Yo, this lady on line four wants to speak to a manager.

Prison guard: Alright. I got this.

[Prison guard puts the headphones with mic on Spider]

Spider: [speaking very politely on the phone] Hello, this is Spider, the manager speaking. Oh, well, I am so sorry to hear that you did not enjoy those Omaha steaks. They’re all I ever eat. A lot of em’. Now, if I can just get some personal information, what are you fears?

[The End]