Tyler… Kyle Mooney
Chance the Rapper
Mikey Day[Starts with a clip of full moon under the clouds] [Cheers and applause] [Cut to a couple walking in the graveyard]
Heidi: Baby, this is too creepy. Let’s just go back to the party.
Tyler: Come on, it’s Halloween. We’ve got to hook up in a grave yard.
Heidi: Do we though?[A big lightning strikes and dead people walk out of their graves dancing]
Tyler? What’s happening?
Tyler: I don’t know.[Music starts playing]
The deads: On Halloween, your breath is taken
For tonight, the dead awaken
Listen well our living friends
and hear how we all met our ends[Cut to Tyler and Heidi]
Heidi: Oh, my god, Tyler, they’re going to sing about how they died.
Tyler: I know, I’m scared![Cut to a skeleton playing a piano] [Cut to Kenan]
Kenan: I was a captain at my ship’s wheel
A heart of gold and nerves of Steel
I fell overboard one night so dark
and I swam just fine, but so did the shark[Cut to Aidy Bryant]
Aidy: I was a debutante, the bell of the ball
Men would chase me for spring to fall
I never met a flame that I couldn’t handle
Until my gown met a candle[Cut to Chance]
Chance: We can skip me. Happy Halloween![Cut to Tyler and Heidi]
Heidi: Is that all he’s going to do?[Cut to Mikey Day and Chance]
Mikey: Yeah, I was wondering the same. That was it?
Chance: Yes, skip me.
Mikey: Okay, I’ll go, then. Nobody has ever skipped before. I’m sorry,[Cut to Mikey Day]
I was a miner, digging for gold
Then one day, I hit the mother lode
I grabbed a cigar, gave it a light
turned out my stogie was dynamite[Chance walks in]
Chance: Wow. Everyone did great. I think we’re done here, right?[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]
Kenan: No. Uh-huh. It’s a diddy of the damned. All four of us have a tale to tell about deaths before we can go back to our graves. That’s how it works. So come on.[Cut to Mikey Day and Chance]
Chance: Well, here’s my thing, my death was a real “You had to be there” kind of situation. It needs a lot of context, so I don’t want to waste everybody’s time.[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]
Kenan: Sing now![Cut to Mikey Day and Chance]
Chance: Oh, my god. Fine. I’ll go. Ready?
One dark night with the moon so red
what killed me happened and now I’m dead
Happy Halloween![Cut to Tyler and Heidi]
Heidi: Wait, but like, how did you die?[Cut to Chance]
Chance: How? A ghost never tells.[Cut to Tyler and Heidi]
Heidi: They do, though. That’s what this whole song is about.
Tyler: Is he allowed to be vague like that?[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]
Kenan: He is not![Cut to Chance]
Chance: All right. It’s going to sound way worse that it actually is. You guys know what a 9-volt battery is, right? It’s important for the song.
At 12 years old, I sat on a 9-volt
It gave me heinie a quick little jolt
I liked how it felt, so I did it a lot
So I built up a tolerance to a lower watt
Then realized there’s no higher volt
than the one comes from a lightning bolt
So one stormy night I went on a roof
and put a metal pole in my ass
Yo, why y’all— I can’t do this right now. Y’all are looking at me like I’m some sort of freak or something.[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]
Aidy: No one is judging you.[Cut to Chance]
Chance: Yes, you are. Look at that owl.[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]
Aidy: Forget about the owl and just finish the song.[Cut to Chance]
Chance: Okay, god. All right, everybody remember where we left off?[Cut to Mikey]
Mikey: Yes. You’re on the roof with a pole in your ass. I’ve done the same thing myself.[Cut to Chance]
Chance: Really?[Cut to Mikey]
Mikey: No, man! It’s weird at hell! Just go![Cut to Chance]
Like Benjamin Franklin with his key and kite
That lightning hit my pole that night
I squealed with delight but I quietly stopped
when my insides fried and my colon popped
and my ass burnt off and my thing caught on fire
and my face caught on fire and I wet in my pants
Happy Halloween![Cut to Kenan and Aidy]
Kenan: What the hell is wrong with you, man?[Cut to Chance]
Chance: Nothing. I was a kid, man. Kids do weird stuff.[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]
Aidy: You died in your 20s.[Cut to Chance]
Chance: Whatever! Let’s just finish the song.[All the deads come together to sing]
The deads: Listen to the dead and the voices of the past
And live every day like it’s your last