Sport Report

Bob Tisdale… Alex Moffat

[Starts with “Sky Sport report” intro] [Cut to Bob Tisdale in his home]

Bob Tisdale: Good evening, everyone. Bob Tisdale here from Sky Sports. Well, formerly Sky Sport Furloughed. Cheers corona. So, coming to you live with the sport report from a stool in my drawing room. The world of sport never sleeps and I haven’t been sleeping well either. So, let’s see the highlights. This segment is brought to you by Tea, made by my wife. Cheers, Jane. [Bob Tisdale raises his teacup.]

Jane: No, it’s not.

Bob Tisdale: Um, cracking cup. Okay, let’s see. Some highlights.

[Bob Tisdale puts two laptops on a table and presses power button at the same time.]

First up, it’s laptop challenge. Which one will boot up first? And they’re off.  Yes, you can hear the sound which one will get to the finish line of booting up first. It’s anyones–

[laptop on the left turns on]

Well, that was quick. Left lappy wins. Not even close.

And over to match endurance, which match will outlast the other?

[Bob Tisdale is holding two burning matchsticks, one in each hand.]

Left match is barely hanging on. And it’s out. Right match wins. That’s why she’s the champ, folks. Oh, she’s out too.

Meanwhile, over at the stove, Jane is making popcorn. [Cut to four pieces of corns placed in a pot.] Um, my favorite. But which kernel will be first to burst. It’s anyone’s guess, really. Top left is really heating up but bottom right is beginning to make his move. Oh, top right. There’s some action. Tossing and turning but no, no bursting. What is going to happen? Bottom left, no life yet, sleeping on the job. Nobody seems to want it out there. But there are signs of life in the pot. Oh! Oh my god, from out of nowhere, top left is your winner. This is why we watch sport. And bottom left is close behind to take the silver and bronze. Nobody cares.

Who is top banana? [Cut to two bananas placed in a bowl] Which will ripe in first? It’s a lightning round. Left banana is picking up momentum. But wait, is that a spot? Something is definitely happening on the right banana. Folks, we are going to be here a while.

[Cut to Bob Tisdale on his stool]

And now a few statistics from the day. Things Jane and I saw from the window. 15 birds, one beautiful brown hawk who flew away before I could film him on my mobile phone, three squirrels, one neighbor hanging a light fixture. And that is it.

Wow! big day today. Okay, this is me Bob Tisdale saying cheers to Jane. Love you babe. And yes, see you tomorrow. Probably!