John Mulaney Stand-Up Monologue

John Mulaney

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, John Mulaney.

[John Mulaney walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

John Mulaney: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live for the fourth time. Thank you. It’s the most anyone has ever hosted. Happy Halloween to all of you and thank you for coming to this. Thank you to everyone here who did so much work to make something happen because nothing had been happening for so long. We all really appreciate it. My name is John Mulaney. I am a comedian, or as I like to call us ‘The last responders’.

I live in New York city. I love New York city. And I love that you’re all wearing masks. But I’m a little sad about masks in New York city because it prevents you from over hearing conversations on the streets and that is one of the city’s greatest joys. Just before covid hit, this was in December, I was downtown. I was on West 12th street. And I was walking downtown and I was on West 12th. I’m walking this way and this guy is walking towards me. And he’s on his cellphone. And we’re both downtown. And as he walks pass me, I hear him go, “No, no, no, I can’t meet right now. I’m way up town.” And then he looked at me and he winked and he kept walking. He’s the greatest guy I’ve ever seen in my life.

A lot of people were binge watching shows during quarantine. I watched the series that I absolutely loved. It was an hour long dramady called ‘The Daily Press Conferences of Governor Andrew Cuomo’. Yes. He’s great. It told the story of an Italian American father who after being an empty nester finds himself quarantining with his two daughters. High Jinks Ensue. But he learns a lot about being a father and a little it about being a governor. I loved those press conferences. He would walk out everyday a little too excited and he’d sit down and go, “Today is Tuesday.” A hint of pride that he remembered the day as if back stage, one of his gibronis was like, “There’s no way you’re remembering the day.” “You watch me.” He’d get out there and he’d start his rhythm. It would be like, “We are New York though. And we are New York though because we are New York strong. And we are New York strong because we are New York kind.” He was talking like Smurf language after a while. “New Yorkliness is very New York to New Yorkers.” What Cuomo did what was brilliant was that he tried to relate to us with his own problems. Like, sometimes, he’s be talking about a situation we were all going through. And it was clearly just some stuff going down in the Cuomo household at that moment. He’d be like, “I know. We’re all trying to figure this out. Let’s say your brother’s wife wants to take the kids to see grandma. You go, ‘They can’t see grandma. Grandma is vulnerable. She’s elderly.’ But she says, ‘Well, what if the kids come halfway in the house and she stays in the other side of the kitchen?’ I’m going, ‘It’s airborne, this thing. You can’t have grandma even in the kitchen.’ She says, ‘Well, it’s important for the kids to see their grandma.’ I go, ‘you gavone bitch, if you bring your kids even into the mud room of my mother’s house, I will break your neck and bury you in the rockaways.'”

I am worried that when the coronavirus is over, that Cuomo won’t realize that his show is over. Like, I’m scared he’ll take it on the road and try to play stadiums and come out and be like, “Hey, who wants to hear about my daughter’s boyfriend?” And everyone’s like, “Play covid!” And by the way, he’s not even the least weird– He’s our least weird politician in America. He’s on like, 45 of the weird ones. I’m supposed to make an announcement. On November 3rd, there is an elderly men contest. There’s two elderly men and you’e supposed to choose your favorite of the two elderly men. You can put it in the mail or you can go and write down which elderly man you like. And then we’ll add them all up. And then we might have the same elderly man or we might have a new elderly man. But just rest assured, no matter what happens, nothing much will change in the United States. The rich will continue to prosper while the poor languish. Families will be upended by mental illness and drug addiction. Jane Lynch will continue to book lots of projects. When she does, she will deliver. She is so good at being on TV. Very good. That will continue. But there will be problems. There will be sleepovers where five of the girls gang up on one of the girls and they bully the girl. And the girl they’re bullying, the girl having the sleepover didn’t even want to invite but her mom made her, and that’s really the root of the tension. They bully her until she’s crying and then she wants to go home. So the parents of the girl having the sleepover have to call the unpopular girl’s parents and say, “Can you come pick her up?” And then there’s that moment where the dad has to sit at like, the dining room table while they wait for the pick up and he’s in pajamas and the outcast is in her winter coat looking kind of stoic. They have nothing to talk about. So, he tries to apologize for the fact that his daughter is a bitch. He kind of implies that she gets it from the wife. All of that will still continue. It is America. But you should vote. You got to vote. Vote as many times as you can. Vote. Fill in every circle, every dot they have, fill them in. And if a page says, “This page was intentionally left blank”, you write whatever you want on that. That’s your space as an American.

Now, my Nana is going to vote and she’s 94 years old. [cheers and applause] Oh! Yes. Do you applaud for things that you don’t think are a good idea? Listen, this is my opinion. I don’t think it’s going to be that popular. Why don’t we shut the doors so no one hears it? I don’t think maybe she should vote. You know, you don’t get to vote when you’re 94 years old! You don’t get to order for the table when you’re about to leave the restaurant. I’m sorry, that joke is agist. That is wrong. It is wrong to say one age group is better than another. That would be like calling yourselves the greatest generation. “Oh, we fought the Nazis!” “Well, we’re trying to fight the new Nazis if you’d get out of the way and stop voting for people you saw in between coin collector commercial.”

Listen, but I love my grandma. I love my Nana. When you’re a kid, you just love your grandma just totally. And as you get older, you start to wonder about her relationship with her mother. You’re like, “Why does that old lady make mom so nervous? Something must have happened there.” But my nana is a great eccentric wonderful person. I’ll tell you a story. When she was 88 years old, she didn’t like her driver’s license photo. She was still driving at 88. That’s not even a point of the story. She didn’t like her driver’s license photo. She thought it was unflattering. And I take her side in this. I also thought it was unflattering mainly because it was a photo of an 88 year old woman. So, her plan was this. She was going to go to the Marblehead, Massachusetts, DMV, and tell them that she lost her license. So, she went to the Marblehead, Massachusetts, DMV, and she said, “I lost my license and I need a new license and a new photo.” And the guy there said, “Do you have any proof of ID?” And she took out her license. And then as she told me, “We stared at each other for a moment. And then I said, ‘You’ve caught me in a lie’, and I took my license and left.”

I couple of summers ago, I was with my nana. It was a family reunion and I had to walk her to her car after like I had to. Not like when you walk a bridesmaid and there’s no stakes. I had to hold her up. So, I walked her to her car. She’s got like, a brown grey car. No brand. I think the government gave it to her. And we get to the car door and she opens it and she looks at me and she says, “You know, I used to be Carolyn Stanton. But now, everyone says I’m John Mulaney’s grandmother. Well, I want you to know that if I wasn’t your grandmother, I wouldn’t know who you are. Sorry.” And then she drove off.

We have a great show for you tonight. The Strokes are here, ladies and gentlemen. Stick around. We’re going to be right back.

Bill Burr Stand-Up Monologue

Bill Burr

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Burr.

[Bill Burr walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Speaker Bill Burr: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Wow, thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. I am so excited to be here. I have been doing stand-up forever. And this has always been a life long dream of mine to come here and host Saturday Night Live. So, thank you so much for coming out during these difficult times. You guys all look like surgeons with your masks on. Makes me feel comfortable that you’re wearing masks. I like people who wear masks. That’s good. You’re listening to the egg heads, the people who we all cheated off of in high school, right? Keep listening to them. And then if you don’t wear a mask, that doesn’t bug me either. Right? Take out your grandparents. You know? Take out your weak cousin with the asthma. I don’t care. It’s your decision. There’s too many people. It’s a dream come true. If you’re that dumb and you wanna kill your own family members, by all means, do it. Stops you from reproducing. It’s literally a dream come true. And speaking of dreams come true, did you see Rick Moranis got sucker punched on the Upper West side? New York is back, baby. New York is back. Yes. We lost our edge there for a minute. City started looking like a giant Bed Bath & Beyond, and then bam! Oh, Ricky took one in the chops. It had to happen. It had to happen. That’s what happens when you stick in M&M’s store at Time Square. Alright? The universe has to balance itself. Get the peep show back in Time Square, old people can walk safely 40 blocks away.

I don’t know. I’ll probably get canceled for doing that joke. How stupid is that cancel thing? They’re literally running out of people to cancel. They’re going after dead people now. They’re trying to cancel John Wayne. It’s like, god did that 40 years ago. They’re all up in arms. “Did you hear what he said in that interview in Playboy in 1970? Can you believe that?” It’s like, “Yeah. He was born in 1907. That’s what these people sounded like.” You never talk to your grandparents and brought up the wrong subject? And all of a sudden it went off the rails like, “Oh! Grandma! Just keep making the cookies.” Yeah. You don’t bring up race or religion with your grandparents. You keep it simple. Anyway, I don’t know. I don’t know. I guess my grandparents were older. I don’t know.

Ploughing ahead. Ploughing ahead, let’s talk white women here. Shall we? Let’s talk white women. White women, you’re amazing. Amazing. Your accomplishments over the last few years. I gotta tell you, the way white women somehow hijacked the ‘woke’ movement, generals around the world should be analyzing this. Just to refresh your memory, the ‘woke’ movement was supposed to be about people of color not getting opportunities, things that they deserve, finally making that happen. And it was about that for about 8 seconds. And then somehow white women swung their Gucci booted feet over the fence of oppression and stuck themselves at the front of the line. I don’t know how they did it. I’ve never heard so much complaining in my life from white women. “My life is so hard. Ah! With my SUV in my heated seats. You have no idea what it’s like to be me.” Trashing white guys. The nerve… where’s the camera at? [He looks around for the camera, then he’s pointing at the camera.] The nerve of you white women.

Listen, I don’t want to speak ill of my bitches here, okay? I don’t. But let’s go back in history here, okay? You guys stood by us toxic white males through centuries of our crimes against humanity, you rolled around in the blood money and occasionally when you wanted to sneak off and hook up with a black dude, if you got caught you said it wasn’t consensual. Yeah! That’s what you did. That’s what you did. So, why don’t you shut up, sit down next to me and take your talking to. [applause] Thank you.

So, I haven’t been in New York for about a year. I was here last year. I was shooting a movie. I had a great time with Judd Apatow, Pete Davidson and all the guys. Yeah, had a great time. And I hadn’t been here for like, 13 years and I immediately noticed how extra crowded this city was. And I was getting all claustrophobic. I’m like, “What’s going on? I’m like, “Some people not using safe sex and making all these babies?” So, I finally walked up to this old New York door guy and I was just like, “Dude, what’s going on? What’s with all these people here?” And he was just like, “Oh, no, no. Don’t worry. It’s June. It’s Pride month.” And I’m like, “What’s that?” I’m 52. I never heard of it, right? Didn’t have that when I was a kid. He goes, “It’s gay pride month.”And I was just like, “Oh!” Dude, you know when you’re just like, stuck in the matrix and you just can’t– [keeping his palm very close to his face.] everything’s just pressed up, you can’t see anything. And then somebody gives you that little nugget of information that just pulls it back? Like, “Why is it so crowded?” “It’s gay pride month.” “Oh! Tank tops! 0% body fat. Two guys kissing. Rainbow flags. Oh!” I didn’t know that. That’s what I learned. The month of June is gay pride month. That’s a little long, don’t you think? For a group of people that were never enslaved? How did they get all the June? Dude, black people were actually enslaved, they get February. They get 28 days of overcast weather. Sun goes down at 4 in the afternoon. Everybody’s shivering. Nobody wants to go on the parade. Yeah. How about you hook them up with July? These are equator people. Give them the sun for 31 days. There’s gay black people, they can celebrate from June 1st, July 31st, 61 days of celebrating.

Alright, that’s all my time. We got a great show for you guys everybody. Jack White is here. It’s gonna be amazing. Please stick around, we’ll be right back.

John Mulaney Stand-Up Monologue

John Mulaney

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, John Mulaney.

[John Mulaney walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

John Mulaney: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. [cheers and applause] That is a very weird thing to say. I was a writer here for five years. Some of the best years of my life. And to be hosting here to just surreal. I mean, I used to write monologues for the host. Now, I’m up here, I get to give the monologue. I get to introduce the musical guest. I mean that’s incredible. The best intro by the way I ever saw of SNL host with musical guest was sir Patrick Stewart, okay? Sir Patrick Stewart was introducing the musical guest and this is how he did it. He went, “Ladies and gentlemen, Salt and [loud voice] Pepper!” Like he was surprised by pepper. Like, minutes before, they’ve been like, “We can’t find Pepper anywhere,” and he was like, “If we must go on with Salt alone, we will go on with Salt alone.” And they were like, “Three, two, one,” and pepper burst through the door and he’s like, “Ladies and gentlemen, Salt and what’s this? [loud voice] Pepper!” It was the best time. It was an innocent time, you know? When I was younger, I thought that the world was going to be simple and nice. But now, at the end of my life, I’m not so sure. I’m getting grumpy which I don’t like. Like, I don’t like any new songs. I don’t like any new songs. Coz every new song is about how tonight is the night and how we only have tonight. That’s the message in 90% of songs. That’s such 19 year old garbage. I wanna write songs for people in their 30s called, “Tonight’s no good. How about Wednesday? Oh, you’re in Houston on Wednesday? Oh, okay. Well, let’s not just see each other for six months and it doesn’t matter at all.”

I tried to stay polite. I’m overly polite apparently, my wife says. And when my wife and I walk down the street, we have totally different styles. When she walks down the street, she does not care what anyone thinks about her in any situation. She’s my hero. When I walk down the street, I want everyone to like me so much, it’s exhausting. My wife said that walking around with me was like walking around with someone who’s running for mayor of nothing.

People ask us if we’re gonna have children. We don’t have any. And so, we say no. They go, “Never? You’re never gonna have kids?” And I’m like, “I don’t know never. Look, 14 years ago, I smoked cocaine the night before my college graduation. Now I’m afraid to get a flu shot. People change.”

Strange, the passage of time. I like old fashion things. You know? I was in Connecticut recently doing white people stuff and– really, okay. And one day in Connecticut, it doesn’t matter why but I was sitting in a gazebo. There was a plaque on the gazebo and it said, “This gazebo was built by the town in 1863.” That’s in the middle of the civil war. And they built a gazebo. How did that town meeting work? They were like, “Alright, everyone. First order of business, we have all the telegrams from the Gettysburg with the war dead. Let’s see here. Okay, everyone’s husband and brother and everyone died. Okay. Josiah, you had something?” “Yes, I do. How’d you like to be indoors and out of doors all at once? Ever walking through the park with your betrothed and it starts to rain but you still wanna hold hands? Well, may I introduce you to and my condolences again to everyone, the gazebo!” Building a gazebo during the civil war would be like doing standup comedy now.

They used to do weird slow leisurely activities coz they didn’t have enough to do. So, they had to fill the dead. Back then you woke up and you were like, “Oh god, it’s the old days. I gotta wear all those layers. We got to think of some weird slow activities to fill the time,” and they did. Have you ever seen an old film from the past of people like, waving at a ship? [John Mulaney is waving his hand like he’s waving to ship that’s already gone] What if I called you now to do that? “Hey, what are you doing Monday? There’s a Norwegian Cruise line leaving for Martinique at around 10 AM. Here’s my plan. We get very dressed up including hats and we wave handkerchiefs at the ship till it disappears over the horizon. No, I don’t know anyone on the ship.”

Everything’s fast now and it’s totally unreasonable. The world is run by computers. The world is run by robots. And sometimes they ask us if we’re a robot just coz we’re trying to log on and look at our own stuff. Multiple times a day. [acting like he’s logging into his computer] May I see my stuff please? “Umm. I smell a robot. Bro. Prove! Prove! Prove you’re not a robot. Look at these curvy letters, much curvier than most letters wouldn’t you say? No robot could ever read these. You look mortal if it be. You look and you type what you think you see. Is it an E? Or is it a 3? That’s up to you. The passwords have passed, you’ve correctly guessed. But now it’s time for the robot test. I devised a question no robot could ever answer. Which of these pictures does not have a stop sign in it?” What? You spend a lot of your day telling a robot that you’re not a robot. Think about that for two minutes and tell me you don’t want to walk into the ocean.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight. Jack White is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.

Kevin Hart Stand-Up Monologue

Kevin Hart

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Hart.

[Kevin Hart walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Kevin Hart: Hey. Oh, we can do better than that. [cheering harder] Let me hear y’all. Yes. Yes. So excited to be here, man. So many amazing things going on right now. Where do I start? First and foremost, Jumanji. I have Jumanji coming out soon. I’m extremely excited about that. Um, I can talk about the fact that this is my third time hosting Saturday Night Live. My third time on this stage. Excited about that. I’m about to go to my third tour. My third tour. Irresponsible tour. I’m excited about that.

People, big things are happening right now. I just had my third baby. I just had baby number three. Yes. Yes, I did. Now, I can admit– I can admit to everybody I wasn’t– I wasn’t excited about having a baby in the beginning. When we had the idea of having a baby. I wasn’t through. I didn’t know if I wanted the baby. That’s just me being honest. Don’t judge me. I’m being honest. I didn’t know if I wanted the baby. The reason why? It’s because I got two babies already. My daughter’s 12. My son’s 10. I told my wife. I said, “Babe, I got the best of both worlds. I did it. We married. So technically, those babies are your babies. That’s what I told her. Those are your babies too. She said, “I know. But they old. I want a new one.” I said, “Well, first of all don’t talk about my kids like they’re used cars. Don’t do that, okay? These kids are working perfectly fine. There’s nothing wrong with these kids.”

The thing is for me, I didn’t want to deal with that two year old age again. That was my fear. That’s a tough age, man. You got to have a lot of patience to deal with that two year old child. Just think about it. All you do is just repeat yourself all day to a two year old child. That’s all you do. You say the same thing over and over again to a two year old child.

“Hey! Hey! What did I say? Look at me. Look at me. No. What did I say? Ah! Look at me. Look at me. What did I? No! What did I say? Put it! Look, haa-hah! No! Haa-hah!” What is that? What is “Haa-hah?” That’s not even a word. But we made it the word. Go behind a stranger that you don’t know and go “haa-hah!” I bet they duck. I bet they duck. Coz it always follows with a hit.

You gotta have too much patience, man. There’s so many things I don’t like when it comes to little kids. I’m gonna tell you what I really don’t like. I don’t like these younger women that are making these older men have these babies. I don’t like it. I was at a park. I saw a 60 year old man with a two year old baby. It disgusted me. I didn’t like it one bit. Coz he couldn’t keep up with the baby. The baby is too much for him. He was treating the baby like the baby was a loose basketball at a playground. You should have seen it. “Ay! Ay! My man. Look up. Grab that baby. Pass that baby back to me please. That’s my baby. Ay! Please. Hey! Coming down the side board. Right there. That’s my baby. Hey. Pass that baby back to me please.” He couldn’t bend his knees. He didn’t know how to work none of the baby equipment so he kept trying to talk to me to get me to do the things for him. “Ay, you. My man. Right there. Hey, please. You, right there. Ay! Right there. Come here for a second? Please. I don’t know how to get the stroller down. Okay? Like, I got it up but I can’t get it down. It’s like I took viagra and I don’t know what to do afterwards. Okay?” I said, “Look, man. It’s a new stroller. The new strollers are touch and release. All you got to do is tap the button in the middle. You tap the button in the middle, the stroller’s gonna collapse.” He said, “Can you show me how to do it?” I did it. I tapped the button in the middle. Stroller collapsed. He lost it. “Oh! My god! Okay. Alright. I need you in my life.” He said, “Can I get you to follow me to my car and help me properly stripe my baby in the car seat?” I said, “What?” He said, “Let’s just hypothetically say I didn’t do it right on the way over here.” He said, “I made a left and my baby slipped from the right and smacked her head on the glass on the left hand side. I just need you to help me, brother.” I said, “I don’t mind, man.” Long story short, I’ve been watching this guy’s kids for last two weeks. True story.

I will say this though. You have to take your hat off when it comes to dealing with kids to the women. Women, I give you so much credit. Like, you guys do so much. I will. I- I take my hat off to you. You know why? Because when it comes to putting structure in the child’s life, when it comes to bathing, feeding, taking kids to school, from school, you guys do that. You’re responsible for that. And you know what? I applaud you for that. But one thing that you’re not… The one thing that you’re not is fun. Now, I know when you first hear it, I know you’re getting attitude already. “What? I’m fun. That’s a lie. You a liar. I’m fun.” No, you’re not. You’re not. You’ve never heard a kid say, “I can’t wait to get home and play with my mom.” You ain’t never heard that. “I can’t wait for mommy and me time.” That don’t exist. Don’t no kids say that. All of the fun responsibility lies on the shoulder of the father. It does. Now, I know right now, women, you’re looking at me and saying, “So what? If it does, just play with kid.” What you don’t understand is the fun becomes the hardest job the kid does not know how to shut fun off. Let me tell you the scariest thing for men to see after a long day at work. He is tired. The scariest thing for men to see when he opens up that door real slow is that baby with a lot of energy on the other side. [screaming] “Oh, yeah. I’m ready to play, daddy. I wanna play that game where you close your eyes and I keep opening them back up. That’s what I want to do, daddy. I want to jump on your neck, daddy!” That’s a bad game, man. You gotta have a lot of patience as a man to deal with that. A lot. Some men have it. Some men don’t.

I want to make a bet right now. I’ll make a bet that every single man in this audience that has a child has done what I’m about to say at least one time. At least one time. Long day at work in your car. You drive home. You’re pulling your driveway. Soon as you get in the driveway, that baby with all the energy gets in the blinds and sees you. “Oh, yeah! Daddy’s about to pull up.” You see the baby. You see the baby see you see the baby. And you back out that driveway.

We got an amazing show for you guys tonight, everybody. Foo Fighters are here tonight. [cheers and applause] Yes! Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Larry David Stand Up Monologue

Larry David

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Larry David.

[Larry David walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Larry David: Alright, that’s enough. That’s enough. That’s enough. You tolerate me. You really, really tolerate me. Look at this, what a wonderful greeting. What a beautiful greeting. [cheers and applause] It’s nice to be in New York. You know, I used to live here for many years. And I had nothing. I was a total loser. In fact, I used to walk around outside looking for spots to live in for when I became homeless. Once I found a spot with a ventilator with heat coming out. I though, “Oh, my god. I struck gold. I got to put a deposit down on this place.”

For a while, I was a private chauffeur for an old woman who was kind of blind. She was blind as a bat. Let’s face it. I cannot say enough wonderful things about the blind boss. You can really get away with murder. The car was filthy. There was bird poop all over it. She had no idea.

You know, I didn’t date much at that time. And I was very desperate. Yet, I was also very particular. It’s an odd combination. You know? I had that common with Quasimodo, The Hunchback of Notre Dame who like me also had nothing to offer, yet was extremely particular, very superficial. He had to go out with the best looking woman in Paris. Nobody else was good enough for Quasimodo. His friends would try to fix him up. “Quasi, there is a great girl in my office. Lovely girl. Wonderful personality. She’s a gifted pianist, a gourmet chef. I think you two would really hit it off.” [acting like Quasimodo] “Is she good looking? She’s gotta be good looking.” “Is she good looking? Quasi, listen to me. I told her about the hump. She’s cool with the hump. And I told her how hideous your face is and how deformed and grotesque you are. You know what she said? ‘I don’t care. It’s fine. Who cares about all that stuff? It’s all superficial, as long as he’s nice to me. That’s what’s important.'” [acting like Quasimodo] “Does she have big jugs? I like me some big jugs. Got to have big ones.” “Listen to me, you’re mutant, you’re a monster. You’re a freak!” [acting like Quasimodo] “You’re not going to fix me with some dog.”

The big difference in dating now is that I used to keep a condom in my wallet. Now I just have a little booklet listing which fish have the highest mercury content. Really cool guy. If you want to seal the deal, whip out that little booklet on a dinner date. “Oh, hey, look at this. We can get the flounder, huh? Who else can tell you to get flounder? Do I take care of you or what?”

I think I’m doing quite well. [cheers and applause] Alright, shut up. So, you know, a lot of sexual harassment stuff in the news up late. And I couldn’t help but notice a very disturbing pattern of emerging which is that many of the predators, not all, but many of them [hesitates to speak] are Jews. And I have three words to say to that. “Oy vey zmir.” I don’t like it when Jews are in the headlines for notorious reasons. I want “Einstein discovers the theory of relativity.” “Salk cures polio.” What I don’t want? “Weinstein took it out.” I know I consistently strive to be a good jewish representative. [applause] When people see me, I want them to say, “Oh, there goes a fine Jew for you. There’s a fine Jew. Margaret, come here. Come here. I want you to meet this wonderful Jew. Nothing stereotypical about him. If not for the self deprecation and the irritable bowel syndromes, you would never know in a million years.”

You know, I’ve always been obsessed with women. And I have often wondered if I had grown up in Poland when Hitler came to power and was sent to a concentration camp, would I still be checking out women in the camp? I think I would. “Hey, slo-mo. Slo-mo. Look at that one from Barrack C. Oh my god, is she gorgeous? I have my eye on her for weeks. Yeah. I’d like to go up and say something to her.” Of course, the problem is, there are no good opening lines in a concentration camp. “How’s it going? They treating you okay? You know, if we ever get out of here, I’d love to take you out for some latkes. Do you like Latkes? Huh? What? What did I say? Is it me or is it the whole thing? It’s coz I’m bald, isn’t it?”

Anyway, we have got a great show for you tonight. Miley Cyrus is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Kumail Nanjiani Stand Up Monologue

Kumail Nanjiani

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kumail Nanjiani.

[Kumail Nanjiani walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Kumail Nanjiani: Wow. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Haha. I’m hosting ‘Saturday Night Live’ right now. That is what is happening. I’m so excited. I can’t believe I’m here. I remember, since I was a little kid in Pakistan, I remember on Saturday nights, my whole family would get together and watch ‘Star Trek’. We didn’t get ‘Saturday Night Live.’ This is awesome. Um, I had a movie earlier this summer called ‘The Bic Sick’. [Cheers and applause] Thank you. Um, people who don’t know, ‘The Big Sick’ is the true story of the first year of the relationship between my eventual wife and I, and my wife Emily is a white American person. And my parents wanted me to marry a Muslim Pakistani person. Things didn’t quite go their way– I’m getting ahead of myself. I was the second person from my family to leave Pakistan and come to the west. I had an uncle decades before me who was going to Scotland and the Nanjianis were very excited. And they were like, “Hey, remember the deal. Be good.” And he was like, “Yeah. Got it.” And then he got to Scotland, fell in love with a white woman, married her and the Nanjianis were like, “Never again. Let’s regroup. Let’s tighten this up.” And then for decades, nobody left. The next person who left was me 40 years later. I came to America, fell in love with a white woman, married her, and then made a movie about it. Just to rub it in their face. Nanjiani-0, white women-2. When I called my mom to tell her, she wasn’t even upset. She was like, “You know what? This time, shame on us.”

The movie was well received, mostly. I read everything online which don’t do that. I read a guy said, “I watched the whole movie. I just don’t like race mixing thing.” Yeah. First of all, nobody good ever uses the phrase “race mixing”. Even if someone was like, “I’m pro-race-mixing,” I’d be like, “Why are you talking like that? Are you an undercover KKK dragon?” The other thing, why did you watch the whole movie? Were you hoping for a twist at the end? did you think at the end I’d rip off my mask like, “Ha-ha, it’s me, Chris Pine. I am a white person.” The only thing worth mixing is frisbee and golf. Let’s go eat some ranch dressing.

My twitter mentions were a little bit of a nightmare after the movie. A lot of people were like, “Go back to India!” Which I have never been to India. Or were you just hoping I have an awesome vacation soon? Here’s my fantasy. This is my fantasy. My fantasy is when someone’s racist to me, I want to danger to befall them immediately. And then I want to rescue them just to see the confused look on their face. Like, I want them to be like, “Go back to India. Ha-ha. Wolves!” And then I fight off the wolves and they’re like, “We were racist to you and you still saved us.” and I go, “That is the way of my people.”

Islamophobia is really on the rise right now. It never went away but it’s really having a moment right now. Islamophobia is kind of like ‘Will and grace’. You know. It was a huge a while ago, then it was gone and we thought it was done but now it’s back and bigger than ever. Thursdays on NBC. They make me say that.

I saw a guy be like, “Of course all muslims are sexist. The Quran says women can’t drive.” Yeah, pretty sure the Quran never said that. Because if the Quran had said women can’t drive cars 1400 years ago, I would be at the mosque right now and so would all of you. Because that would mean the Quran predicted cars. If 1400 years ago, the Quran was like, “Some day there will be metallic box that will carry you wherever you want. And it will have four wheels. And you will have to put gasoline in it. And it will have a little speedometer to tell you how fast you are going. And it will have a bluetooth connection. And women shouldn’t drive it.” I would be like, “I know two things for sure. Islam is the only true religion and women shouldn’t drive.” [applause]

I am so glad you laughed at that coz otherwise it sounds like I’m just giving a divisive speech. “Islam is the only true religion and women shouldn’t drive.” That will definitely be the quote on the internet tomorrow.

Sikh people get attacked all the time for being Muslim. Spoiler alert, they’re not. But they’re brown and they wear turbans so people attack them for being Muslim. Which must put them in such an awkward position because they’re like, “I”m not Muslim. Not that you should attack Muslims. But if you’re looking to attack Muslims, which you shouldn’t, I’m not one. There is a Muslim right over there. Don’t attack him. Unless somebody’s definitely getting attacked, in which case, get it right, which is wrong.”

Which brings me to my problem with most racism. Here is my problem with most racism. It’s the inaccuracy. That’s what bugs me. I’m like, “Do the research! Put in work! You will see the benefits.” I’ll give you an example. If someone yells at me, “Go back to India,” I’d be like, “That guy’s an idiot.” But if someone was like, “Go back to Pakistan which was part of India until 1947 and is now home to the world’s world’s oldest salt mine,” I would be like, “that guys seems to know what he’s talking about. I’ll pack my bags.” Just because you’re racist doesn’t mean you have to be ignorant. And informed racist is a better racist.

We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Pink is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Aziz Ansari Stand-Up Monologue

Aziz Ansari

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Aziz Ansari.

[Aziz Ansari walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Aziz Ansari: Thank you. Thank you very much. Wow! I can’t believe this. I’m here hosting Saturday Night Live. Yeah! [in intense voice] The day after Trump’s inauguration. Hmm. Pretty cool to know though, he’s probably at home right now watching a brown guy make fun of him though, right?

[cheers and applause]

Crazy couple of days, man! Yesterday, Trump was inaugurated. Today, an entire gender protested against him. Wow! Everyone should support that. It shows that people care. Very cool. I do think we should be careful though. You know? We can’t demonize everyone that voted for Trump. Some people are like, “Everyone that voted for Trump is a dumb racist, misogynist, homophobe–” Alright, hold on. We are talking about 63 million people. Don’t judge them by their worst. I’m sure there are some people have different political priorities. I’m sure there are some people voted for him with reservations. I’m sure there’s a lot of people that voted for Trump the same way a lot of people listen to the music of Christ Brown. Where it’s like, “Hey, man. I’m just here for the tunes. I’m just here for the tunes. I don’t know about that other stuff. I just like the dancing and the music. I don’t condone the extra curriculars.” If you think about it, Donald Trump is basically the Chris Brown of politics. And ‘Make America Great Again’ is his ‘These Hoes Ain’t Loyal.’

So look, we’re divided. It’s okay. We have always been divided by some of the big political issues. It’s fine. As long as we treat each other with respect and remember that ultimately, we are all Americans, we’ll be fine. But the problem is– [cheers and applause] The problem is there is a new group. I’m talking about this tiny slice of people that have gotten way too fired up about the Trump thing for the wrong reasons. I’m talking about these people that as soon as Trump won, they’re like, [acts shocked] “We don’t have to pretend like we’re not racist anymore. We don’t have to pretend anymore. We can be racist again. Whooo!” Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! No! No! If you’re one of these people, please go back to pretending. You’ve got to go back to pretending. I’m so sorry we never thanked you for your service. We never realized how much effort you were putting into the pretending. But you’ve got to go back to pretending. [cheers and applause] Hey, I know it’s been a rough couple of years. Obama, ‘Empire’, ‘Hamilton.’ It’s just been hit after hit after hit. Star Wars movie is where the only white characters are storm troopers. I get it. It’s been rough. But you got to stop. You know who I”m talking about. There’s like this new lower case KKK movement that’s started. This kind of casual white supremacy. “oh, let me put my foot in the pool and see how cold this water really is.” No! No! I’m talking about these people running around saying stuff like, “Trump won, go back to Africa.” “Trump won, go back to Mexico.” They see me. “Trump won, go back… to where you came from.” Yeah, they’re not usually geography buffs.

[cheers and applause]

Is that the plan, by the way? We’re all gonna move? All the minorities? 40-some percent of the country? Every minority’s gonna move? Beyoncé’s gonna move? Beyoncé ain’t moving. I ain’t moving. Okay? My parents– [applause] My parents moved from India to South Carolina in the early ’80s. They didn’t move until nine years ago. You know where they moved? North Carolina. They love it here. They’re not leaving. [cheers and applause]

Lower case KKK, man! They’re out there. You know? Hate crimes and stuff are on the rise. You know as far as people of my own skin tone, brown people, I think the part of the problem is a lot of these people, they just haven’t interacted with any brown people in normal life. They only people they see are these monsters in the news who are just a drop in the ocean. Maybe what needs to happens when they do the news report, they should do a second report about other brown people up to normal stuff to calm those people down. So, the report’s like, “The suspect is considered armed and dangerous. Not armed and dangerous, these four other Muslim people eating nachos in Chicago. Let’s go to a footage of them. Oh-oh! Looks like Nasir just spilled a little cheese on his khakis. Got a little overambitious with that last dip. We’ve all been there.”

A lot of people are Islamaphobic which doesn’t make sense on paper. Coz, you know, like, god in Islam is the same god that was revealed to Abraham in Judaism or Christianity, same guy. But people are scared. Why? Coz any time they watch movies, TV shows and a character is Arabic where they’re praying or something like that, that’s scary ass music from ‘Homeland’ is underneath it. It’s terrifying. [mimicking the scary music while praying] And people are like, “Ah! What did they say?” Just god is good, normal religions stuff, it’s okay! You wanna end Islamophobia, honestly, just change that music. Like, if the music was different, if it was just like, [mimicking theme music to ‘Benny Hill’ funnily while praying], people would be like, “Man, Islam is one whimsical religion, isn’t it?”

[cheers and applause]

I think Trump should make a speech, a real speech denouncing the lower case KKK. Don’t tweet about me being lame or the show. Write a speech. A real speech coz these people are out there and it’s pissing a lot of people off. And I think you can make a difference coz other presidents have done things like this and it has helped. Hate crimes and stuffs went down. George Bush– George W. Bush made a speech after 9/Aziz AnsariAziz Ansari. And it really helped. Things changed. This is what he said in the speech and I’m paraphrasing slightly. He said, “Islam is peace. The perpetrators of these attacks, they don’t represent Islam. They represent war and violence. Our enemies are not our muslim brothers and sisters. Our enemies are network of radical terrorists.” And everyone applauded. Republicans, democrats, didn’t matter. Coz it was not about politics. It was about basic human decency and remembering why the country was founded in the first place. And I’m sitting there and I’m watching the speech. What the hell has happened? I’m sitting here wistfully watching old George W. Bush speeches? Just saying, “What a leader he was?” 16 years ago, I was certain this dude was a dildo. Now I’m sitting there like, “He guided us with his eloquence!

[cheers and applause]

I want to leave you guys with a serious thought. I know there are a lot of people that are worried now. It’s a weird time. If you’re excited about Trump, great! He’s president. Let’s hope he does a great job. If you’re scared about Trump and you’re very worried, you’re going to be okay too. Coz if you look at our country’s history, change doesn’t come from presidents. Change comes from large groups of angry people. And if day one is any indication, you are part of the largest group of angry people I have ever see. [cheers and applause] Good luck to you.

We’ve got a great show tonight. Big Sean is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Dave Chappelle Stand-Up Monologue

Dave Chappelle

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dave Chappelle.

[Dave Chappelle walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Dave Chappelle: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you, guys. You know, I know it’s been a long time. It’s been a lone time. So please be patient. You know, I didn’t know that Donald Trump was gonna win the election. I did suspect it. Seem like Hillary was going well in the polls and yet, I know the whites. You guys aren’t as full surprising as it used to be. And I think I speak for all black American when I say that we are all praying for Omarosa. I don’t even know what she’s doing in the news. But America has done it. We’ve actually elected an internet troll as our president. The whites are furious. Never seen anything like it. I haven’t seen whites this mad since O.J. There’s a split screen with white people on both sides, [screaming] Ah!!!

Man, I’m not saying I’m enjoying it. I’m just saying I have never seen this before. I watched a white riot in Portland, Oregon on television the other night. News say they did $1 million worth of damage. Every black person was watching there like, “Amateurs!” So, I’m staying out of it. I’m just gonna be like Kaepernick and let the whites figure this out amongst themselves. Because for us, we’ve been here before. We’ve been here before. And I don’t even think it’s the most important thing we’re dealing with, man. Don’t forget all the things that are going on. Shootings, what do you think about that? All these shootings in the last year. Worse. The worst mass shootings in the history of United States. Pulse nightclub which they said ISIS did. And then turned out that wasn’t exactly what happened. If that is what happened then ISIS is scarier than I thought, because they have very deep cover operatives. Look, I’ve been going out deep for this one, I might have to get a Grindr account and bump a few guys off to throw them off the trail.

I don’t think the guy was in ISIS. What happened was he pledged allegiance to ISIS before he did what he did, which is not same as being an ISIS. You know what I mean? Like, I was gonna have sex with a girl and right before I did it, I screamed out “Wutang.” That doesn’t mean I’m in the Wutang Clan. I’m just shouting Wutang out.

More shootings than I can literally count. You can’t even go to the god damn zoo without seeing a shooting out there. They shot a gorilla in my local zoo. And the Cincinnati police said, “Shooting that gorilla was a toughest decision this department ever had make.” I said, “Well, you ’bout to see a lot of niggas in gorilla costumes in Cincinnati.”

Why do we have to say that? Why do we have to say that ‘black lives matter’? Now, I admit that is not the best slogan, but McDonald’s already took ‘you deserve a break today’. And I guess it’s kind of catchy coz everyone else is biting it. Even the police bite it. ‘Blue lives matter.’ Well, was you born a police? That is not a blue life. That’s a blue suit. If you don’t like it, take that suit off, find a new job, coz I’ma tell you right now, if I could quit being black today, I’d be out of the game. The next best thing, I became a rich black person. Which is harder than you think coz, you know, your life becomes gentrified. Like, Brooklyn. All your black friends start moving out and all these new white friends start moving in. You find yourself saying things to friends you grew up with that you never dreamed, you’d say, “I’m sorry, nigga. You can’t come with us. There’s only enough room in the balloon basket for four. Ta-ta.”

Donald Trump, he did it. He is our president. And I feel bad to say that I’m staying at a Trump hotel right now. I don’t know if he’s going to make a good president, but he makes a swell hotel suite, I’ma tell you that. Housekeeping comes in in the morning and cleans my room and I just… “Hey, good morning, housekeeping”, grab big handful of pussy. “Boss said it was okay.” Sorry about that, Lorne.

All my black friends who have money said the same thing when Trump got elected. “That’s it, bro. I’m out. I’m leaving the country. You coming with us?” “Na, I’m good dawg. I’m gonna stay here and get this tax break and see how it works out.” Coz that’s how it’s being Dave Chappelle. First time I got some money, it didn’t work out like that. Most unlikely thing happened ever. This black president came out of nowhere like, “Come on everybody, let’s start thinking about everyone else.” [screaming] “Oh, nigga! I just got this money! I didn’t even think it was possible.”

Trump went to go see Obama last week. You see that? Yeah. You see Trump’s face when he came out the meeting? Trump got stunned. He looked shook. Trump looked like he got shook. He probably came in there, [mimicking Donald Trump and Barack Obama] “Hi, how are you Mr. President? Good to see you.” “Hello, Donald. How are you feeling?” “Oh god! Got to tell you. This job looks like its gonna be a lot harder than I thought.” “Really? It’s not that hard. I mean, at least you get to be white while you’re doing it.” “I’m just saying, I’ma a little nervous.” “Nervous? Come on, man! Relax. You haven’t even met the aliens yet. It’s gonna be alright.”

I don’t know what he’s gonna do. But I know Obama did a good job. Obama did a good job. I think we’ll all miss him when he’s gone. Do you agree with this? [audience whooping] And thank god he lived to tell about it. He was the first black dude that ever heard of America’s secrets. I’m happy he lived. If someone threaten our president, that is the only time that I’d want him to be stereotypically black. He’ll be on the news like, “An assassination attempt was carried out today on the United States president. In the bizarre sequence of events, the president himself was armed, fired back killing four people had nothing to do with the incident. He then ripped off his shirt, screamed out “Chi-town” for some reason.

You know, before I go, I do wanna say one thing. This is not a joke. But I think it’s important that I say this. Coz they’re marching up in streets right now as we speak. A few weeks ago, I went to the White House for a party. It was the first time I’ve been there in many years. And it was very exciting. And BET had sponsored the party. So, everyone there was black. And it was beautiful. I walked through the gates. I’m from Washington, so I saw the bus stop. Well, the corner of the bus stop used to be where I used to catch the bus to school and dream about nights like tonight. It was really, really beautiful night. And at the end of the night, everyone went at the west wing of the White House. And there was a huge party. And everybody in there was black except for Bradley Cooper for some reason. And on the walls were pictures of all the presidents of the past. Now, I’m not sure if this is true, but to my knowledge, the first black person that was officially invited to the White House was Frederick Douglass. They stopped him at the gates. Abraham Lincoln had to walk out himself and escort Frederick Douglass into the White House. And it did happen again as far as I know until Franklin D. Roosevelt was president. When Roosevelt was president, he had a black guy over and got so much flat from the media that he literally said, “I will never have a nigger in this house again.” I thought about that and I looked at that room and I saw all those black faces and Bradley, and I saw how happy everybody was. These people who had been historically disenfranchised. And it made me feel hopeful, and it made me proud to be an American, and it made me very happy about the prospects of our country. So, in that spirit, I’m wishing Donald Trump luck and I’m gonna give him a chance and we, the historically disenfranchised demand that he give us 12. Thank you very much.

We’ve got a great show tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, A Tribe Called Quest is in the building. Don’t go anywhere, we will be right back.