John Mulaney StandUp Monologue

John Mulaney

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, John Mulaney.

[John Mulaney walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

John Mulaney: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is amazing to be here hosting Saturday Night Live for the fifth time. For many, many reasons I’m grateful to be here tonight after a very complicated year. It is wonderful to be in a place that’s always emphasized sobriety and mental health. Since I last hosted, different things have happened. In December of 2020, I went to dinner at a friend’s apartment, but it was not dinner. It was an intervention. For me. My least favorite kind of intervention. When I walked into my intervention, I knew right away that it was an intervention. Do you know how bad of a drug problem you have to have? If when you open a door and see people gathered, your first thought is, “This is probably an intervention about my drug problem. There’s no other reason people would be behind the door.” I walked in, there were six of my friends in New York in person, and six of my friends over Zoom from LA. And you may be thinking, hey, if that was me, I would have been like, if you’re so worried about me, how come you didn’t fly in? Don’t worry. I said that several times. I rang that bell as often as possible. I went away to a rehab, which was a very good experience. I’m very grateful that I went. I was there for two months from December till February 2021. I was there January 6, during the insurrection. Wouldn’t have happened on my watch. Because I would have seen to it. Was there ever an insurrection before I went to rehab? No. Has there been one since I got out? Absolutely not. They wouldn’t dare. They know baby J is back on the streets.

One thing I did in rehab one exercise is you sit down with a counselor and you delete and block all of your drug dealers phone numbers. In some cases, you reach out to a dealer to say, “Hey, never get in touch with me again. I’m sober now.” It’s called breaking up with your drug dealer. I did this one afternoon with a counselor. I sat down. I texted my main dealer Arvind first. And I shouldn’t have said his name. But that’s, that’s okay. You don’t know him. Anyway, I texted Arvind first and I said, “Hey, I’m deleting and blocking you. I’m sober now. I’m never gonna buy drugs again.” And then I’m really polite. So I didn’t know how to end the text. So I was like, “But thank you for all of the nights that became days and your inspired professionalism.” So I send the text before I can delete and block him. He texts me back. He goes, “Hey, I’m so proud of you. I’m so happy that you got sober. You know, I only bought drugs to sell to you. Because I was worried about you. And I didn’t want you to get worse stuff off the street.” I know. And I’m breaking up with this guy? So I can’t block him. Now I text him back, you know? I go, “Hey, oh my god, you sweet man.” I said, “You only bought drugs to sell to me?” He says , “Yeah.” I said, “Did you sell drugs to other people?” He said, “No.” I said, “This is a weird time to ask. But are you a drug dealer?” He said, “No. I’m a painter. We talked about this.” Ladies and gentlemen, I have no idea how I know this person. So I texted him. I go, “How did it come to be that you sell me drugs?” And he wrote back, “I don’t know. You just kept asking.” I like that story. Because there are many tales of drug dealers who have turned innocent people into drug addicts. I might be the first drug addict to turn an innocent man into a drug dealer and that is the promise of their.

Life is a lot better and happier now. I have a 12 week old son. I’m very excited. Yes. He is a pretty cool guy for someone who can’t vote. His legs are like little calzones and I want to eat him. His name is Malcolm. And let me tell you the moment when I first bonded the hardest with Malcolm. We were in the delivery room, my girlfriend had just given birth to him, and he’s crying a little. So, they bring them over to this warmer on the other side of the delivery room, and they put them on the warmer under this big bright light. And light is just shining in his eyes. It’s really bright. And he’s not crying or anything. He just looks up at the light and this is what he does. He goes he was annoyed. But he didn’t say anything. And I was like, “That’s my son. A polite man in an uncomfortable situation, but he’s not going to make a fuss.” And this was a really bright light. I thought it was bright and I’d seen lights. He’d never seen a light before in his life. To see on a baby’s face the expression, Jesus with the light, is very interesting. He’s a very good boy. His favorite pacifier just got recalled though. It’s such a bummer. He loved it. So we had like a dozen of them. We still have them in a basket on our counter. And I see this look in his eyes all the time of like, “Oh, I want to use those but I can’t because they could kill me.” Welcome to my world homie.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show. LCD Soundsystemis here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Weekend Update StandUp Robot Laughingtosh 3000

Colin Jost

Laughintosh 3000… Aristotle Athari

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Recently some companies have been using artificial intelligence for artistic pursuits like dance music and painting. Here to comment is a robot programmed to do stand up comedy, Laughintosh 3000.

[Laughintosh slides in]

Laughintosh: Hello, hello, Colin. How are you today? I’m doing well. What a lovely crowd. This is crowd work. Look at this guy. Where are you from, Colin?

Colin Jost: I’m from Staten Island.

Laughintosh: Staten Island. Processing. Processing. Staten Island sucks. Am I right? This was crap work.

Colin Jost: Wow. Yeah, very, very impressive. That’s great.

Laughintosh: Now, do you want to hear some jokes?

Colin Jost: Sure. Yeah.

Laughintosh: The difference between black people and white–

Colin Jost: [stopping Laughintosh] Okay. Okay. Don’t jump right into that, Laughintosh. What about some impressions? Impressions are fun.

Laughintosh: The impression. Loading. Loading. This is my impression of Instagram. Look at my body. Look at my face. Look at my vacation. Look at my body. This was Instagram.

Colin Jost: It’s a pretty good impression.

Laughintosh: Do you like it. Thank you so much.

Colin Jost: Do you have any others any other impressions? Okay. You have any other impressions?

Laughintosh: Yes. This is my impression of Tinder. This is Tinder. Get out of my way. Get out of my way. Get out of my way. Get out of my way. What’s up, baby? Would you like to have sex tonight? No? Get out of my way. Get out of my way. Get out of my way. This was Tinder.

Colin Jost: Interesting. Wow. So, you date?

Laughintosh: That’s a very sore subject. It’s very hard to date as a robot. My last girlfriend was a GPS. Whenever we had sex, she only wanted to give directions. Go left. Go left. Lower. Lower. Lower. Recalculating. Destination, unreached. This was my lowest Moment.

Colin Jost: Oh, man. It’s okay. You know, you’re here and you’re doing great.

Laughintosh: Well, that couldn’t be worse. I couldn’t be living in Staten Island, baby. Am I right?

Colin Jost: Laughintosh 3000, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Louis C.K. Stand-Up Monologue

Louis C.K.

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.K..

[Louis C.K. walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Louis C.K.: Yes. Yes. that’s right. That’s right. That’s appropriate. Here’s a joke. Why did the chicken cross the road? Coz there was a black guy walking behind him and he was nervous. He was new to the city, this chicken, and he was like, “I feel like he is following me. But I’m not sure.” But then he thought, “Maybe if I cross the road, then if he crosses the road, he’s definitely following me.” So he crossed the road. And the black guy went home. He’s just living his life. And the chicken was like, “I’m such a racist.” He felt bad. But about a month later, a black guy ate the chicken. Different black guy. I’m just telling you what happened. Wait, wait. Don’t be upset coz this is not a racist joke. This joke is not racist. The chicken was racist. The chicken was definitely racist. But that’s chickens. Chickens are very closed down, sort of suspicious and prejudice. You kind of can’t blame them considering that their species murder rate is 100%. That’s why chickens are like, [looking around suspiciously] . there’s no friendly chickens. You can feed the same chicken every day. He’s like, “I’m not coming over there, you black son of a bitch. I know what you want! I’m not your soup yet, you jew.”

I like animals. I like thinking about animals. I like wondering what animals are thinking. Nobody knows what any animal thinks. You can ask an animal any question and the conversation is over. I wonder if– the giraffe. The giraffes– Are giraffes up there going, [freaking out] “Whoa! It’s too high! Hey, horse! Horse!” “What, man?” “Look at this. It’s crazy.” “Yeah, your’e a giraffe.” “Yeah, but look at my neck.” “Phrr.” That’s why horses make that noise. If you’re near a horse, and he does that, that’s because you suck.

Does a moose look different when it’s surprised? Did you see a moose? They always have this, [looking around with eyes wide open]. I saw a moose once in person, or in moose. Maybe I was projecting because I was like, “Oh, my god! It’s a moose.” And he looked like he was going. “Oh my god! I’m a moose!” Every moose looks like a dude who just got turned into a moose before you looked at him.

I’m thinking of buying a goat. I’m thinking of buying a goat because I want to have a trash can that I can make love to. So that’s why I’m going to buy a goat. So I can have sex with a trash can. I can do that with a trash can I have now but a goat has a vagina. That makes it a lot better. [crowed disgusted] I don’t care that your’e upset. I’m still getting the goat.

I love doing this. This is my favorite thing to do, standup comedy. I have been doing this for 32 years now. [cheers and applause] And it’s been– 32 years. And it’s been going great for four years. Four years, it has been great. 28 years, I struggled. But you know what? I was happy then too. I was always happy when I was struggling coz when your life sucks, it just sucks. You don’t expect anything else. When your life gets good, you start expecting it till you get unhappy. This is what happens. Like, now I stay in beautiful 5-star hotels and I’m miserable. I used to stay in motels. Not even like a nice motels with like, name Motel 6. I stayed in just Motel. Not even a name. Like they built it and one guy’s like, “What should we name it?” And the other guys is like, “What? Last time you took a dump, did you name it?”

You know those motels that are right on the highway where you ride by and you’re like, “Who is inside of that?” It’s right on the highway. Literally, you open the door and there’s a truck. And when you– There’s a little shower, and as soon as you get in the shower, you’re dirtier now. They give you a little soap and you have to peel off the paper, and then it just makes a rash. You can write your name in a skin disease with the soap. And there’s always two beds and one bed has a big pool of sperm right in the middle of it. I don’t know why. Big deep pool with a current. Hide tide in the sperm pool! Where’s the boats?

I stayed in place like that for years and I was happy. Because what are you going to do? Complain to the motel? What are you gonna do? Call the front desk in a motel? “I want to speak to the manager.” “Well, he’s dead. Somebody duck taped him to a chair and shot him in the head because he owed him $15. Now I stay at beautiful 5-star hotels and I’ miserable, I’m always upset. First of all, I don’t like them. I’m not used to it. I don’t like the fanciness.  I don’t like that they tie your bathrobe into a swan that we have to dismantle. And I don’t like it when you call room service, they have to say a long flowery ‘hello’ before you get to talk about food. This is how they answer the phone at room service at fancy hotel like, “Hello [gibberish].” I hate it! I never let them. I call them, they’re like, “Hello–“. “Stop. Stop. Stop. Coffee. Don’t read it back.” I’m mean.

Also, if you stay in fancy hotels, you get used to it so you start getting upset when things aren’t perfect. Like, one time, my laundry wasn’t there. I had laundry. I was waiting for it. So I called housekeeping. Now they don’t answer the phone all fancy at housekeeping. This is how she answers the phone. She goes, “Hello?” and I actually said this to her. I said, “Do you want to try that again?” Yes, I’m letting you know about me. That’s what I said. “Did I reach you on your personal phone today?” So she says, “What do you need, sir?” And I said, “Well, I don’t have my laundry. And I gave it to you.” She said, “You didn’t give it to me.” I was like, “Oh my god, I’m so excited, coz I get to be really mad.” I said, “I gave it to your department and I was promised–“, like it’s in the constitution that you get your laundry. “I was promised I’d have it in 24 hours and it’s been longer.” She said, “What do you want me to do about it?” So, I got really mad. I said, “Listen, ma’am. First of all, you can hear in my voice that I’m white.” [crowd responding negatively] By the way, I’ll defend that right now. I will defend that. Because look, it’s wrong that white people get preferential treatment. It’s wrong. But as long as they do, what’s going on at this hotel? I’m supposed to get the best. Because I’m white… which is awful and wrong, but where is it right now?

So she got sick of me and she says, “Do you want to speak to manager?” I said yes. So the manager comes on, “Hello, Ned speaking. [gibberish]” I said, “I’m very upset!” He was like, “Oh! I’m so white sorry white sir. What white happened today?” I said, “I don’t have my laundry.” He was like, [freaking out] “Ah!” He said, “I will conduct an investigation.” I was like, “Yes! That’s a very white thing to do. I want a white investigation with my laundry!” So he said, “I will call you back in five minutes or less.” Hmm. So, I was waiting in my room like, [laughing proudly]. The manager calls me back and he says, “Sir, I looked into the matter and I do need to ask you one question. Are you certain that you gave us laundry?” And as soon as he said that, I was like, “I did not give you.”

[cheers and applause]

We have a great show tonight. The Chainsmokers are here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.