Star Quality

Burris Star… Kenan Thompson

Judith Hussle… Aidy Bryant

Raylonna Two… Kate McKinnon

Bowen Yang

Anya-Taylor Joy

[Starts with Burris Star singing intro for his show]

Burris Star: [singing] Stars are not made, they’re born
Stars are not made, they’re born
if you don’t have it, you ain’t gonna get it
you have to be born with what? 

Star Quality!

[cheers and applause]

Hello. Thank you. I am Burris Star and this is Star Quality. The show where young hopefuls have a chance to bust through the hymen of the entertainment industry. I can say that because I used to be a vaginacologist. No, I know what you’re thinking. “Don’t you mean gynecologist?” No, I do not. A gynecologist is medical. A vaginacologist is more of a historian. Let’s bring out our first entertainers.

[Judith Hussle and Raylonna Two walk in]

Judith Hussle: Hi, I’m Judigh Hussle.

Raylonna Two: And I’m Raylonna Two.

Judith Hussle: Today we are going to be performing a brief scene followed by an exhausting song.

Raylonna Two: This is about our mothers. They were not the same but they did share the same profession.

Burris Star: Yes. And who is this creepy doll?

[there’s a doll that they’ve brought with them]

Judith Hussle: It’s a vintage 28 inch doll.

Raylonna Two: This 28 inch vintage doll will be playing the part of our mother.

Burris Star: Well, Judith Hussle, Raylonna Two, show me you star quality.

[music playing]

Judith Hussle: Hush, mom. We know the truth. You’ve been lying to us. You say you’re doing double shifts at the factory.

Raylonna Two: Nobody wears a sparkle tops and goes panty-free under that jeans skirt to work at the nuclear plant.

Judith Hussle: [singing] Talking rooms and talking doorways
squeaking mattress, heels left on
crooked lipstick broken lashes
the wig falls off and then you’re done

Raylonna Two: Stranger kisses on your shirt type
naked trickers in the near
crumpled 20 on the night stand

you freak with males to get us food

Judith Hussle: Thank you, mama. You did what you had to to make everything work out for everyone involved.

Burris Star: Alright. Wow, you have done it. Thank you, ladies. We will let you know.

Judith Hussle: And how long with that take?

Burris Star: Um, do you know how long for never is?

Raylonna Two: Well, that’s unforeseeable.

Burris Star: Correct. Audience, this is why you should always have a plan B. For example, I can always fall back on vaginacology. Thank you, ladies. Alright, our next performers created a new music genre. It’s called fabo-rap. Welcome to the show, Hot Couture.

[Bowen and Anya walk in the stage]

Bowen: Thank you for letting us but a rap here today.

Anya: We’re excited to be the next big thing.

Bowen: And me, I’m on the same level as her.

Burris Star: Glad to hear it.

Anya: Burris, I hope you’re ready. We’re about to go to the third base with your mind.

Bowen: Which means we’re going to blow it.

Burris Star: Fine. Show us your star quality.

[music playing]

Bowen: [rapping] Darling, has the best come yet?

Anya: Darling, has the best come by?

Bowen: Darling, doest he best stop here?

Anya: Darling, I need the best

Bowen: Darling, I need it west

Anya: Darling, to the setting sun

Bowen: Darling, I have an interview

Anya: Darling, at finance basement

Bowen: Darling, does the bus stop there?

Anya: Darling, leave who alone?

Bowen: Darling, leave you alone?

Anya: Darling, thanks for your time

Bowen: Darling…

[music stops]

Burris Star: Thank you, Hot Couture. You did the thing we agreed you would do.

Bowen: Thank you for that.

Anya: We love compliments.

Bowen: So, what happens next?

Anya: How do we do this?

Burris Star: Well, you take 10 to 12 steps towards the door that says ‘Exit’. And then push.

Anya: Are our contracts through there?

Burris Star: No. That’s the parking lot.

Bowen: Is that where we wait for our record deal?

Burris Star: Yes.

Anya: For how long, Burris?

Burris Star: For never.

Bowen: Perfect.

Burris Star: Well, thank you for watching. We have to go now because air-time is expensive. I am Burris Star and this has been [singing] Star Quality.

Weekend Update- Baby Yoda on Star Wars Day Celebrations

Michael Che

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, this past Tuesday was May the 4th, aka Star Wars Day. Here to share his thoughts on what Star Wars means to him is star of the Mandalorian, Baby Yoda.

[Baby Yoda slides in] [cheers and applause]

Baby Yoda: [shouting] Whoa! This side, say what? This side, say what?

Michael Che: Whoa! That’s some great energy, Baby Yoda. Happy Star Wars Day. How did you celebrate?

Baby Yoda: Let’s see. I smoked weed and took pills because I’m not like a nerd. You know, I really love the fans. And I actually think they’re cool. [looks at Michael Che and shakes his head no]

Michael Che: Yeah, I think I got it. Thanks for being here. You’re looking pretty jacked. I mean, have you been working out?

Baby Yoda: Oh, yeah. I’ve been hitting the gym. You know, getting my sets in. Yeah. And actually, I’d like to take this opportunity to announce I’m dedicating my life to MMA style fighting.

Michael Che: Wow, really?

Baby Yoda: Yeah. I got the bug. Big trade, holler at my boys, Jake and Logan Paul. They got to be eating right, getting on that treadmill and taking a significant amount of performance-enhancing drugs.

Michael Che: Come on, man.

Baby Yoda: Ay, look what I can, Che. [punching] Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! At the end of the day, get me against the ropes, I can hit them with “I’m just a baby”, Blap! Bye-bye.

Michael Che: Wow, man. I’m really happy for you.

Baby Yoda: Yeah, man. My life is a movie right now. I’m doing the fighting. I got a great group of friends. And we all young, horny and famous.

Michael Che: Okay. So, who are you friends?

Baby Yoda: So, it’s me, Chalamet, cousin Greg, the kid from Anari, and of course, Lightening McQueen from Cars. These are all designated driver. Wink!

Michael Che: See, okay, I don’t love that.

Baby Yoda: No, you do. And if you don’t, I’ll be like, Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Come on, Che. You can’t do nothing. I’ve got that McDonald’s money.

Michael Che: McDonald’s? We don’t know what you’re talking about.

Baby Yoda: Alright. Yes. So, McDonald’s is doing this limited edition Baby Yoda meal. Yeah, it’s a quarter pounder, small soda, two big ass eggs, and a little baggie of MDMA.

Michael Che: Oh my god. Is that supposed to be good for you?

Baby Yoda: Hhhhhhhhhhhhell yeah!

Michael Che: You need to relax.

Baby Yoda: Not really. But one last thing. June 23rd, Ceasars palace, pay-per-view, me and Baby Groot, hand to hand in a little ass ring. 0-0. Baby Groot, I look forward to seeing you. I know it’s for charity, but I do intend to end your life that night. I will kill you. And I will enjoy it.

Michael Che: Alright! Baby Yoda, everybody.

Star Trek Spinoff

Captain… Beck Bennett

Corporal… Kate McKinnon

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Bowen Yang

McKenna… Carey Mulligan

Zachary… Mikey Day

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Paramount+, we thought of the plusing before Disney. We now return to the Startrek prequel: Starcharter Andromeda.

[Cut to the ship]

Captain: What’s the situation, corporal?

Corporal: It’s not good, sir. Solar flair scrambled the ship’s computers. All proportion and guidance systems have gone dark.

Ego: The ship is dead and we’re headed towards the Medusa blackhole.

Alex: If we cross it’s even horizon, there’s no escape.

Captain: How do we fix this?

Bowen: We’ve tried everything. Nothing seems to work.

Captain: There’s got to be a way. Does anyone have an idea?

McKenna: Hi. I know I’m just a Consol Lout, but maybe we can try unplugging it and plugging it back in?

Corporal: What? Are you serious? This is ridiculous.

McKenna: [being emotional] I’m sorry I’m such a big dumb idiot. [storms outside]

Zachary: McKenna, wait! [yelling] I cannot believe you just did that.

Captain: Who are they and what was that?

Bowen: I don’t know who they are but I always see them in the hallway having intense conversations in hush tones.

Alex: Yes. And according to the crew log, captain, they just graduated from a small expensive Star Fleet Academy.

Ego: You know, my gut tells me they’re just rich white kids who for the first time are experiencing a world that doesn’t revolve around them.

Corporal: Alright. Well, we’ve got bigger problems.

[McKenna and Zachary walk back]

McKenna: Yeah. You’re right. Thank you, Zachary.

Zachary: I mean, they’re toxic. This whole place is literally toxic.

Captain: The anti-matter accelerator. We could route it’s power to propulsion systems.

Alex: The risk of overload is very high, captain. That is a very dangerous option.

Bowen: But it just might work.

Zachary: Um, excuse me?

McKenna: Zachary, don’t!

Zachary: No, they were wrong. McKenna is too polite and awesome and too beautiful to say it, so I will. I think you owe her an apology.

Corporal: I don’t owe her a thing. We’re dealing with a life and death emergency.

McKenna: [shocked] Stop gaslighting me. [storms out]

Zachary: McKenna, stop!

Corporal: What’s going on with your friend?

Zachary: McKenna is dealing with a lot right now, you have no idea.

Corporal: A lot? Is it worse than drifting into a blackhole?

Zachary: Yes. Her parents might be selling her childhood home.

Ego: Might be?

[Chloe runs in]

Chloe: Zachary, McKenna is threatening to jump out into space.

Zachary: No! No, McKenna! Move! [storms out]

Captain: Should someone check on her?

Bowen: No. She threatens to jump out into space everyday. It’s fine.

Ego: Captain, if we’re going to power up the inter-matter accelerator, we need to do it now.

Alex: Think carefully, captain. The lives of every soul on board are at stake.

[McKenna and Zachary walk in]

McKenna: I would like to speak my truth to you.

Corporal: Not now.

Zachary: Yes! Yes, now. Go ahead, McKenna.

McKenna: I will not let you take my power away. My name is McKenna McLord Davies and my voice has value.

Zachary: [pointing at Corporal] My best friend’s voice has value.

Corporal: [pushing Zachary’s hand away] Get your finger out of my face.

Zachary: Oh my god, let go of me. You’re hurting me.

McKenna: Stop killing him.

Chloe: [recording through phone] You’re on videotape, ma’am. Stop assaulting my friend.]

Corporal: I’m not. When a commanding officer asks you to do something, you do it. You understand?

Zachary: My arm. She broke my arm.

McKenna: You broke his arm.

Captain: Everyone, quiet! Look, we’re now approaching a blackhole. We’re already inside it.

Zachary: Sir, she broke my arm. I need the rest of the day off.

Captain: Put these guys in the airlock now!

[They throw three of them out in the space.]