Mikey Day
Aidy Bryant
Alex Moffat
Robert… Beck Bennett
Kristen Stewart
[Starts with five people on their stargazing hike.]
Mikey: All right, folks, I know the stargazing hike has been long.
Aidy: And fun as hell.
Alex: Yeah, we love this stuff.
[Cut to Mikey]
Mikey: And I love this energy. But hey, how about this view? Not bad, huh?
[Cut to everybody]
Alex: Oh, yeah, this is a beautiful spot. You can see so much of the sky.
[Cut to Mikey]
Mikey: Exactly. That’s what makes so special. You can see so many constellations out here. So, let’s check it out?
[An elderly couple comes near them]
Robert: Oh! What a marvelous view. I can already see some of my favorites.
Mikey: Wow, I didn’t know we had an astronomy buff in the group.
[Cut to Robert and Kristen]
Kristen: Robert was in the navy. He says he always loves to sleep on the deck under the stars.
[Cut to Mikey]
Mikey: Wow, yeah, I bet that was quite the view.
[Cut to Robert and Kristen]
Robert: Oh, it was. We saw so much in that night sky.
[Cut to everybody]
Alex: Hey, can we see the big dipper from here?
[Cut to Mikey]
Mikey: Yeah, actually I was just about to point that out. Just follow my finger, guys.
[Cut to everybody]
Aidy: Oh, my god, that’s amazing. I love the constellations.
Alex: Yeah, yeah, the universe is just so amazing.
Robert: And look here, young man. Let me show the little dipper.
Alex: Whoa. Very cool. Thank you, sir.
[Cut to Robert and Kristen]
Kristen: If you look closely, you see that the two dippers teach the golden rule.
[Cut to Mikey]
Mikey: Really, I’ve never heard that.
[Cut to Robert and Kristen]
Aidy: Yeah, how did they teach the golden rule?
Robert: Golden rule, treat others how we would like to be treated, see?
[Cut to everybody]
[They draw a sexual position through constellation]
And see, they’re servicing each other.
Mikey: Oh, my god. Is that—Is that supposed to be—
Robert: Double simultaneous oral.
Alex: Yes. Gross. The dippers aren’t doing that.
Kristen: Oh, yes, they are. And they have been ever since I was a girl.
Robert: Yeah, I mean what do they even teach kids anymore?
[Cut to Mikey]
Mikey: Well, definitely not that the dippers are servicing each other.
[Cut to Robert and Kristen]
Robert: Boo, crude virgin.
[Cut to everybody]
Mikey: Alright, that’s enough with the dippers, I think.
Aidy: Yeah, yeah, why don’t we look at something else?
Mikey: Yeah, well, if you look here, I’ll show you the constellation Leo. You guys see the lion?
Kristen: Ah. Yes, yes. But if we look closer we can learn a valuable lesson here.
[They draw a sexual position through constellation]
Robert: The greatest joy in life comes from helping a friend in need.
Mikey: Oh, my god. Come on, that’ disgusting.
[Cut to Robert and Kristen]
Kristen: Disgusting? Sucks to be his wife.
[Cut to Mikey]
Mikey: Well, I’m not married.
[Cut to Robert and Kristen]
Robert: Oh, I think I know why.
Kristen: You don’t go down. Am I right, ladies?
[Cut to everybody]
Aidy: Oh, oh, no. We’re more like him than you, okay?
Robert: Oh, look. I see Scorpius right over here.
Mikey: Yes, that’s actually right. You guys see how it’s a scorpion?
Robert: Oh, I see much more than that.
Aidy: Oh, please don’t. This one’s my favorite.
Robert: Mine too, see? It teaches an important lesson about the strength of partnership.
[They draw a sexual position through constellation]
Mikey: Is that—
Kristen: a man trying to reach himself, yes.
Mikey: What does that have to do with the strength of partnership?
[Cut to Robert and Kristen]
Robert: Because of no matter how hard a man tries, he’ll never be able to reach himself. For that kind of satisfaction, you need a partner.
[Cut to everybody]
Aidy: Well, this sucks. Constellations are what I live for. And you horny old freaks have ruined it.
Alex: Yeah, you guys just look up at night and perv out on the stars?
[Cut to Robert and Kristen]
Kristen: Well, that’s what they’re for.
Robert: You see, in our day there was no internet to satiate our horns.
Kristen: We had to project our fantasies onto the stars.
Robert: Yes, we’d go outside as a group and stare at the stars until everyone screamed.
Kristen: Sweet husband, I—I want to scream at the stars right now.
Robert: I want to help you scream at the stars.
[Cut to everybody]
Aidy: What the hell is happening? My god!
Mikey: Right here? No one wants to see that.