Colin Jost
Oprah Winfrey… Leslie Jones
Stedman Graham… Chris Redd
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: After her claimed Golden Globe speech, Oprah Winfrey is considering running for president. Oprah’s long time partner Stedman Graham added to the rumors when he said the she would absolutely. Here to explain are Oprah and Stedman.
[Oprah Winfrey and Stedman Graham slide in]
Oprah Winfrey: Hello, America.
Stedman Graham: Yes, indeed. Yes, indeed. What she say.
Colin Jost: Alright. Let’s just start with this. Oprah, are you running?
Oprah Winfrey: Colin, I thought about it for a while.
Stedman Graham: Long time.
Oprah Winfrey: And I’d love to give you an answer.
Stedman Graham: Here it comes.
Oprah Winfrey: But I don’t know.
Stedman Graham: Nah. No answer today.
Oprah Winfrey: This is America. Running for political office is tough.
Stedman Graham: So, we’re not doing it.
Oprah Winfrey: But it would be worth it to serve my country.
Stedman Graham: Which is why we’re gonna do it.
Colin Jost: Now, Oprah, you’re already very powerful.
[Stedman Graham laughing hard]
Stedman Graham: You don’t even know.
Colin Jost: Why would you ever do this?
Oprah Winfrey: I’ll tell you, Colin. I need to get white women back on track.
Stedman Graham: Get them back on track, white women.
Oprah Winfrey: Ever since I’ve been off the air, they’ve gotten out of control. They voted for Trump.
Stedman Graham: Why?
Oprah Winfrey: They voted for Roy Moore
Stedman Graham: Yeah.
Oprah Winfrey: They kept twelve different shows about flipping houses on air. It’s a mess.
Stedman Graham: It’s a mess.
Oprah Winfrey: Somebody needs to look these women into eye and say, “You deserve my three favorite things.” Love.
Stedman Graham: Um-hmm.
Oprah Winfrey: Respect.
Stedman Graham: That’s right.
Oprah Winfrey: And a new panini maker. [pointing at the audience] You get a panini. You get a panini.
Stedman Graham: You too.
Oprah Winfrey: You get a panini.
Stedman Graham: At least three of y’all get paninis.
Oprah Winfrey: Who else is going to do that for them?
Stedman Graham: Nobody, that’s who.
Oprah Winfrey: I’m the only woman in America who is on first name basis with Dr. Phil…
Stedman Graham: Doctor.
Oprah Winfrey: Dr. Oz…
Stedman Graham: Another doctor.
Oprah Winfrey: And Dr. Dre.
Stedman Graham: That’s the whole medical community.
Colin Jost: Right. Yes. I understand. I’m sure you would be great but some people are saying that we don’t even know there’s celebrity president.
Oprah Winfrey: And I certainly understand that.
Stedman Graham: Yeah. That’s a good point.
Oprah Winfrey: But I disagree.
Stedman Graham: So, you’re wrong, Colin. Very mistaken.
Colin Jost: Now, if Oprah was president, can I ask what would your role be, Stedman?
Stedman Graham: Who? Me? You got a question for me? No one has ever asked me a question before. [clears throat] Okay, well my role would be simple. I’m gonna be the first Stedman.
Colin Jost: I’m sorry. And what does that mean?
Stedman Graham: TBD. We’ll see what happens.
Colin Jost: Okay. Well, I think you’ll both be great. Oprah, is there anyone out there who you think could beat you?
Oprah Winfrey: Yes. There’s one thing in my life that’s been able to beat me. Bread. All my life, I’ve lost a bread. Please. Don’t make me run against bread. I hate bread.
Colin Jost: Oprah and Stedman, everyone.
Oprah Winfrey: I’ll let you know soon.
Stedman Graham: I’ll let you know after she lets you know.