Weekend Update Stefon

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Stefon… Bill Hader

Shy… John Mulaney

Colin Jost: And today is St. Patrick’s day which means millions of tourists have come to the Big Apple. Here with some tips on what to check out is out Weekend Update’s city correspondant, Stefon.

[Stefon slides in] [cheers and applause]

Stefon: Hi.

Colin Jost: Hi. Thank you so much for joining us, Stefon.

Stefon: Conor, Persie, it’s nice to be here.

Colin Jost: Thank you, Stefon. So, the parade is now over? I bet a lot of people out there are looking for a great New York hangout? Do you have any recommendations?

Stefon: Yes. If you’re drunk in midtown doing cheap coke off your laundry card, I have just the place for you. New York’s hottest club is Gaddush. Inspired by true events. It is former CVS which became a chase bank and then became a CVS again, has a familiar yet troubling feel. Like, when Larry King would play himself in a movie. This place has everything. Death sets, key fobs, kale chips, Roman J. Israel Esquire. Plus, you can play everyone’s favorite party game, the stranger.

Michael Che: What’s the Stranger?

Stefon: Do you know that Billy Joel song, The Stranger?

Michael Che: Yeah.

Stefon: Well, it’s when you sit on Billy Joel’s hand until it’s numb and then you rub yourself with it.

Colin Jost: Wait, why does it have to be numb?

Stefon: So you can pretend it’s Bruce Springsteen’s hand.

Colin Jost: Stefon, let’s get back on track. I think a lot of people are in town for St. Patrick’s day. And they might be looking for something a little different.

Michael Che: Yeah. Something more Irish themed.

Stefon: Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Moonlight, La-la Land.

Michael Che: What?

[everyone laughing]

Stefon: If you’re Irish or just white and violent, I have a St. Patty’s place for you. New York’s hottest Irish club is “Off the church, mother.” Located in the clogged heart of the Bronx at the corner of threethousand street and Gary Marshall Memorial Drive. This gang ridden skateboard park was the ceremony spot for Vern Troyer’s twothousandfour wedding. This place has everything. Peeps, ted talks, Roman J. Israel Esquire. Be sure to hit the dance floor and do a jig with Ireland’s hottest Farrakhans.

Michael Che: Wait. Louis Farrakhan is at this club?

Stefon: No. Farrakhans. Leprechaun’s that look like Farah Fawcett. But also, yes. Minister Farrakhan will be there.

Colin Jost: Alright. Stefon, come on.

Stefon: Please, call me by your name.

Colin Jost: Fine. Colin. Just give us that one place. Tell us that one place that ordinary tourist might enjoy. Please.

Stefon: Yes, yes, yes, yes. If you’re ordinary and you love seizure inducing Malaysian music, I’ve just a place for you. New York’s hottest club is “Stand clear of the closing doors please.” Built in upside down world, this haunted hospice was closed when the inspectors found a sexy form of asbestos that could cause disease.

Michael Che: What disease you get from sexy asbestos?

Stefon: Me-so-hornioma. This place has everything. Young popes, old popes, Roman J. Israel Esquire. But avoid the dance floor in Wednesdays when a dozen hot dachshunds and corgi’s get in free. They call it long and low night. I don’t trust any dog whose stomach touches the ground. Plus, you can party in the VIP room with a group of human squatty potties.

Michael Che: What is a human squatty potty?

Stefon: It’s that thing of– you know what? It’s a new era and I don’t want to say a word that could be insensitive. May I consult my lawyer quickly?

Michael Che: Sure.

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Stefon: Great! He’s an attorney and a conceptual piss artist named Shy. Shy?

[Shy walks in with a briefcase] [cheers and applause]

Colin Jost: Hi, Shy.

Shy: Hello, gentlemen. How are you?

[everyone laughing]

Stefon: Shy, do people still use the word… [Shy and Stefon start whispering] Got it. Thank you, Shy.

[Shy walks out]

Human squatty potties. it’s that thing of when you sit on a toilet and to have a good posture, two little people crouch in the bathroom floor and you put your feet on their hand.

Colin Jost: Okay. Alright. I’m really glad you made sure to make that not insensitive. Thank you very much. That’s great.

Stefon: Let’s take a closer look at political correctness.

[“A Closer Look” video bumper playing at the bottom of the screen.]

Michael Che: Wait, isn’t “A Closer Look” Seth’s thing?

Stefon: Oh. Seth and I are versatile. Some nights I do it and he’s under the desk.

Colin Jost: It’s Stefon, everyone.

Stefon: Jill Stein 2020.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Stefon on Autumn’s Hottest Tips

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Stefon.. Bill Hader

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set.]

Michael Che: Its autumn in New York, which means millions of tourists will be heading to the city to see the big apple and it’s new mayor have to offer. Here is some tips as our Weekend Update’s city correspondence, Stefon.

[Stefon slides in] [cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost, Michael Che and Stefon]

Colin Jost: Thanks so much for joining us Stefon.

[Stefon looks here and there.] [Cut to Stefon]

Stefon: How long have I been in anesthesia?

[Cut to Colin Jost, Michael Che and Stefon]

Michael Che: Oh, a lot has changed, you know. Colin and I host Weekend Update now.

[Cut to Stefon]

Stefon: Hmm, on of each.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Michael Che and Stefon]

I like it.

Michael Che: Now, a lot of tourists want to check out what mayor Di Blasio’s New York has to offer. Are there any fun spots for them?

Stefon: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Barack, Mit.

Michael Che: Come on, man!

[Cut to Stefon]

Stefon: If you’re looking for berserk night out in the new New York, I know just the place for you. New New York’s hottest club is Wimsy. Condemned by glad and EPA from ghost busters. This old wet band aid found in a Jacuzzi is a kind of place that makes you feel weird the next time you see your parents. This plae has everything. Kufi hats, congos, MTV’s Dan Cortese. And that TV channel at the hotel, that’s like about the hotel.

The vibrant side is strange yet familiar. Like, when you see billboards for sign filled rewinds in a Puerto Rican neighborhood.

Yo Swe Kastanje, weeknights at 66:thirty.

[Cut to Michael Che and Stefon]

Michael Che: Fine. Real quick. How is Seth doing? Did he come with you?

Stefon: No, he’s at home practicing how to sit behind a desk.

Michael Che: So, I think the club you were describing might not be for everybody. Do you have any other recommendations for folks looking for like a more wholesome New York experience?

[Cut to Stefon]

Stefon: Yes, yes. If you are some dumb folks looking to just get murdered, I know just the place for you. New New York’s hottest club is Jan’s New Big Pic. Discovered by lackluster gay realtor named Anthony who is late for every viewing. This park’s slope slap bucket gives new meaning to the question. Is that the little woman who played the principal in Kindergarten Cop? This place has everything. Espestes, lupes, magazines of Super Cuts, Dan Cortese, a doorman who always high-fives children of divorce, a building that you can tell used to be McDonald’s. And if the bar isn’t your scene, head downstairs to see the Prosac Dobe Brothers.

[Cut to Michael Che and Stefon]

Michael Che: What are the Prosac Dobe Brothers?

[Cut to Stefon]

Stefon: It’s that thing of when a woman in a depression commercial gets better at the end, so they show her at a smooth jazz concert.

[Cut to Michael Che and Stefon]

Michael Che: Stefon, I know New York has changed with the new mayor but there’s gotta be a few upscale places for people to check out.

Stefon: Okay, yes, yes. Witsy stuff.

[Cut to Stefon]

If you’re well to do and you just gotta hunt humans, I know just the place for you. New New York’s hottest club is [Stefon makes an unusual sound] Located where Donald Trump Jr.’s chin should have been. His wealthy wack-sack opened it’s doors and the two hours between when Pharaoh Faucet and Michael Jackson died. Needless to say, this place has everything. Skunks, key fobs, cookie crisps, Dan Cortese, that backroom at footlocker that employees disappear into. There’s even an after hour’s bar filled with human defubilators.

[Cut to Michael Che and Stefon]

Michael Che: What is human defubilators?

[Cut to Stefon]

Stefon: It’s a thing of when your friend is having heart attack, so you take two midgets and you rub them on the carpet for electricity and then they yell, “Clear! Jhoodosh!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Stefon]

Michael Che: Alright, look Stefon, I appreciate what you’re trying to do here and I know you’re a friend of Update, but I think you should go.

Stefon: You’re right. I should go. The husband wants to drive up to wedding tomorrow to look for houses.

Michael Che: Wait a second. You’re looking for houses? You’re not drinking or eating sushi? Stefon, is there something that you want to tell us?

[Cut to Stefon]

Stefon: I’m pregnant!

[Cut to Colin Jost, Michael Che and Stefon]

Michael Che: Congratulations.

Stefon: Thank you so much. I’d like, you know, if we keep it.

Michael Che: Stefon, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che!

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.