Oak Ridge High Auction

Steve… Bobby Moynihan

Michael Akari… Jonah Hill

Shawn… Jay Pharoah

Nate… Pete Davidson

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

Pharooq… Taran Killam

[Starts with Oak Ridge High School student auction]

Aidy: $ninety going once, twice and sold to Mr. Dobson. You win an hour of Spanish tutoring from Honor student, Doug Persel.

Doug: Muchas gracias. [laughing]

Aidy: Now, remember parents, all the proceeds from tonight’s auction goes to the senior carnival. So, get out those wallets. [a band walk on the stage] Now, next step for bid, you may remember this band from the talent show. And I hear they’re quite a hit online. It’s ‘The Emojis’.

Sasheer: What’s up?

Aidy: Now, their music video, “I got a crush on Kevin” has, how many hits on YouTube?

Sasheer: Almost 300,000.

Aidy: Oh, wow! Okay, so, highest bid wins a one hour private gig with ‘The Emojis’. So let’s open up the bidding to 100. Big ones. Come on.

[Cut to the audience]

Steve: I’ll start, $100 right here.

Beck: Not so fast, Steve. $120!

[Cut to Michael Akari. He looks like Sheikh from the middle east.]

Michael Akari: $1 million.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: I’m sorry. Are you a parent?

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: No. I am Michael Akari. I serve King Faidi of Qatar. The king’s teenage daughter princess Sana took a liking to ‘The Emojis’ on YouTube. The King insisted I attend your auction and secure their appearance to light and amuse her.

[Cut to the band]

Cecily: Wait, what?

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: When I win ‘The Emojis’, they will immediately board in Faid’s private jet and spend the next week in the palace. Upon arrival, the teens will be bathed and groomed. The young man will spend the day on the King’s yacht while the young women prepare the evening’s feast in the kitchen.

[Cut to the band]

Cecily: I don’t know how to cook.

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: [yelling] Then you will learn. During your song, “I’ve got a crush on Kevin”, the princess will join the band on stage and sing the lyric, “I’ve got a crush on Kevin, yeah, uh-huh, yeah, uh-huh, and I heard he got a crush on me.”

[Cut to the band]

Kyle: That sounds dope but I can’t go to Qatar, sir. I gotta take SATs on Saturday.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Yeah, I don’t know about my daughter going to the middle east unsupervised.

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: The king promises the young women will return with their virtues intact. And for your troubles, each entertainer’s family will receive $500,000.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Have fun, cupcake.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Well, $1 million, going once, twice, sold to the very generous Mr. Akari.

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: Excellent. To the teens I just purchased, please see outside if you’ll fit in your robes.

[Cut to the band]

Cecily: I don’t want to wear a robe.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: [yelling] Just wear the robe!

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Okay, wow. Well, that’s certainly a first for the Oak Ridge senior auction. Now, let’s bring up our star basketball player Shawn and Nate who also have quite the internet following with their vines. [Shawn and Nate walk up the stage] [Cut to Leslie in the audience]

Leslie: Woo! That’s my baby. Hey, Shawn.

[Cut to Shawn and Nate]

Shawn: What’s up, mom? We do vines where we do trick shots.

Nate: Yeah, it’s ‘Dem Boys do the Dunx’ with an X. One of our vines was big on Buzfeed.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: So, Shawn and Nate are offering a 45 minute private basketball lesson. So, let’s start the bidding at $75.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Okay, 75!

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: The king’s twelve son is a great admirer of Dem Boys do Dunx. I bid $2 million.

[Salah Pharooq walks in. He also looks like a sheikh from the middle east]

Salah Pharooq: $3 million.

Michael Akari: Pharooq. I see you’re still Al Salemi’s errand boy.

Salah Pharooq: Back down, Akari. Dem Boys do Dunx will be mine.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Okay. And who is your new friend?

[Cut to Michael Akari and Salah Pharooq]

Salah Pharooq: How rude of me. Greetings Oak Ridge High. I am Salah Pharooq, here in behalf of sultan Al Salemi of Kuwait. His fourteen year old son Talam is all about Dem Boys do Dunx.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Wow! Okay. Okay, $three million. Going once, twice–

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: $4 million.

[Cut to Shawn and Nate]

Shawn: Mom, what are you doing?

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Relax, baby. I am playing the game.

[Cut to Michael Akari and Salah Pharooq]

Michael Akari: $5 million. I know that sultan’s packets aren’t that deep.

[Cut to Shawn and Nate]

Nate: I don’t think my mom will let me go to the middle east.

[Cut to Michael Akari and Salah Pharooq]

Michael Akari: Then you are weak! But to ease your mind, the king will offer you both one hour in his room with 200 virgins.

[Cut to Shawn and Nate. They’re hugging each other out of happiness.] [Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Alright, $5 million going once, twice and sold to Mr. Akari.

[Cut to Michael Akari and Salah Pharooq]

Salah Pharooq: I am shamed.

[Salah Pharooq runs out] [Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Well, with a $6 million budget, this senior carnival is going to be absolutely insane.

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: Dem Boys do Dunx, we must leave now as we have to stop in LA to pick up the young men who did ‘Damn Daniel’ video. You know those guys? ‘Damn Daniel’? So great.

[The End]

Meet Your Second Wife

Brian… Bobby Moynihan

Steve … Taran Killam

Toby … Kenan Thompson

Tina Fey

Helen Walsh… Amy Poehler

Samantha… Vanessa Bayer

Elane… Aidy Bryant

Diana… Leslie Jones

Alicia… Cecily Strong

[Starts with video shot of Brian smiling at the camera]

Male voice: He’s a professor from Alexandria, Virginia.

[Cut to Steve]

He is a software engineer from Palo Alto, California.

[Cut to Toby]

And he’s a financial analyst in Boston, Massachusetts.

[Cut to Brian, Steve and Toby]

They may not know it yet, but they’re all guests of America’s favorite new show,

[Cut to the show set. There are two ladies hosting and the three contestants.]

Meet Your Second Wife!

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Hello and welcome to Meet Your Second Wife.

Helen: We’re your hosts. I am Helen Walsh.

Tina: And I am Tina Fey

Helen: And this is the only show where happily married men get a chance to meet the person who will one day become their second wife.

Tina: You guys excited?

[Cut to the contestants looking confused] [Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: Great! Let’s meet our first contestant. Bryan from Alexandria.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Wait, I’m sorry, what is this show now?

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: You’ll see. Now, I understand your lovely wife Samantha is in the audience today.

[Cut to Samantha]

Samantha: Yay! Brian.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: She seems great… for now.

Helen: But Brian, let’s meet your second wife.

[Cut to the stage. A young girl walks in.]

Brian, this is Hannah.

[Cut to Brian. He looks shocked and angry.] [Cut to Tina and Helen]

Hannah is currently an 8 grade student at Welington Middle School but one day years in the future, she will be your second wife.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: That’s impossible. I love my wife. She supported me while I’ve been writing my novels. So…

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: But what if I told you in a few years, one of your novels becomes a surprise best seller and even optioned for a movie?

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Um, yeah. The yeah, I get it now.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Do you have any questions for your second wife, Brian?

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Um, sure. Hi, what kind of things are you interested in?

[Cut to the girl]

Girl: Horses.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Horses. Yeah. Horses are cool.

[Cut to Samantha looking confused and worried.] [Cut to Brian]

Okay, well, I guess I’ll see you again in 20 years. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Actually, it’s seven. Next is Steve from Palo Alto.

[Cut to Steve]

Helen: Excited to be here Steve?

Steve: Um, I was before but now I’m not.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: Great! I understand that your wife Elane is here also.

[Cut to Elane]

Elane: I thought this was a home makeover show.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: In a way, it is.

Helen: Okay Steve, lets meet your second wife.

[a small girl enters the set]

This is Stacey.

[Cut to Steve looking very concerned]

Steve: Oh, no!

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: How many years old are you, Stacey?

[Cut to Stacey. She shows her five fingers.] [Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: That is five fingers. I believe she is trying to say she’s five.

Helen: Well, Stacey may still be learning her numbers but one day she will be your second wife.

Tina: What’s gonna happen is, Stacey will apply for an internship at your company…

Helen: Which she will hear about from a college roommate who is also, you guessed, your daughter.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: I mean, that’s kind of nice, right? At least then my daughter and she can stay friends.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Oh yeah. Your daughter is gonna love it.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: No, I’m sorry, this is ridiculous. I am not leaving Elane.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: You’re right. You won’t. Sadly, Elane will pass away in a tragic kayaking accident.

[Cut to Elane]

Elane: What?

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: Sorry Elane, we don’t make the future. We just know it.

Tina: Next up, we’ve got Toby from Boston.

[Cut to Toby]

Helen: And Toby, you’re here tonight with your wife of 20 years, Diana.

Toby: That’s right. Hey baby.

[Cut to Diana looking angry in the audience] [Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Okay. Toby, let’s meet your second wife.

[Cut to Toby]

Toby: [eyes closed and fingers crossed] Don’t be white. Don’t be white. Don’t be white.

[A good looking lady walks in]

Oh, son of a– [looking happy] [Cut to Diana]

Diana: You a dead man, Toby.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Toby, this is Alicia. [Cut to Alicia] She is currently a sophomore at Wreckers.

[Cut to Toby]

Toby: Well, that’s not that bad. I mean, the other ones were younger, right?

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: Slow down. See, Alicia has a serious boyfriend. And she just found out that she is three months’ pregnant with your guess it, your second wife.

Tina: Let’s show Toby the sonogram.

[Cut to a baby’s sonogram picture.]

Helen: Already a beauty.

[Cut to Diana looking fierce] [Cut to Toby]

Toby: Um, quick question. Does the show provide an overnight lodge where I can stay indefinitely?

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: No. But all today’s contestants are going home with a fabolous prize, [looking at the card] oh, a new Kayak.

[Cut to Elane]

Elane: I know I shouldn’t but they’re so fun.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Well, that’s all the time we hav.

Helen: Join us next time on…

[Cut to the stage]

Meet Your Second Wife!

[The End]

Mitchell’s Fake Cocaine

Jeremy… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Steve… Pete Davidson

Venessa Bayer

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Jeremy walking down the stairs to a party] [Cut to Jeremy’s friends]

Kyle: Hey Jeremy, you were in the bathroom a long time. You okay?

Steve: Yeah, did you like, fall in or something?

Jeremy: Ha-ha. Hilarious, Steve, but I wasn’t going to the bathroom. I was actually doing cocaine. [Jeremy shows the white powder on his nose] You see?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Oh, wow! I didn’t know you do cocaine.

[Cut to Jeremy]

Jeremy: I do. In fact, I’ll probably do some more very soon.

[Jeremy winks]

Male voice: Mitchell’s fake cocaine for hiding bowel movements at parties. The #1 excuse for your #2.

[Cut to Kyle, Steve and Venessa]

Kyle: I love cocaine. Can I do some?

[Cut to Jeremy]

Jeremy: I’m out. Yeah, I guess I did all myself, like, complete badass.

[Kenan walks down the stairs]

Kenan: Whoa! Who just used the bathroom, man! It stinks in there.

Steve: Wait a second, I thought you said you did cocaine in the bathroom.

[Cut to Jeremy]

Jeremy: I did you idiot. But then I sprayed this Mitchell’s fake poop spray to cover up that cocaine I did. Don’t you know anything about doing cocaine? [laughing] [Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: So, you carry around fake poop spray?

[Cut to Jeremy]

Jeremy: There are people at this party, you know? You don’t have to just talk to me.

Male voice: Mitchell’s fake poop spray. For when the Mitchell’s fake cocaine is called into question because of your real poop smell.

[Cut to 6 walking down the stairs]

Leslie: Okay, everybody. Quick announcement. The toilet is completely clogged, so nobody go in there.

[Cut to Jeremy]

Jeremy: Oh, no. I gotta use this cocaine now or I’m gonna have an accident.

[Cut to 6]

Leslie: Well, you can use my bedroom.

[Cut to Jeremy]

Jeremy: Okay, that sounds good.

[Jeremy walks up]

Male voice: Mitchell’s fake cocaine for hiding bowel movements at parties. And Mitchell’s fake poop spray. Gives you the confidence to let loose on the dance floor… and in the bathroom.

Leslie: [yelling] Hey! Who took a shit in my bedroom? Who took a shit in my bedroom?

[Cut to Jeremy showing Mitchell’s fake cocaine and Mitchell’s fake poop spray.

[The End]

Wallace Advertising

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Steve… Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Mr. Wallace… Michael Keaton

[Starts with four people in the office of Wallace Advertising.]

Cecily: FYI folks, our CEO Mr. Wallace is going to be sitting in today.

Leslie: Mr. Wallace, why?

[Cut to Cecily and Steve]

Cecily: Oh, he just said he wanna be more hands on in the creative process.

Steve: As long as he keeps hands off my lunch, I’ll be happy.

[everyone laughing] [Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: I just hope he keeps his hands off my lunch.

[Cut to everybody. No one laughs]

Oh, so you’re just gonna laugh at him but not laugh at me.

[Mr. Wallace walks in]

Mr. Wallace: Hey! How are you guys doing?

Cecily: Um, good Mr. Wallace. How are you?

Mr. Wallace: I’m good. I’m good. I’m good. [Cut to Mr. Wallace] Everything alright with you folks? I was getting too soft at that quarter office. I needed to get back down here where the action and greatest stuff happens. What do we got? What are we pitching?

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Beck: Um, it’s an ad for Labatto’s. The official cereal of the Labat Blue Brewing company.

[Cut to Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace:  Great, great, great. Lay your smoke around me. Just right down the middle. Give it to me.

[Cut to everybody. Mr. Wallace starts using his nasal hair trimmer]

Beck: Sorry?

Mr. Wallace: This one’s a smoker. Right by me. Right down in the middle. Just was one by me. Come on! Right on my face! With me.

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Beck: Okay. So, this smoker is still in the rough stages. But we thought we open in our suburban kitchen, mama’s setting down two  bowls of Labatto’s on the table.

[Cut to Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace: Good. Good.

[Cut to Cecily and Steve]

Cecily: Uh, the dad comes in dressed for work and the son comes down also in a suit.

[Cut to Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace: Ya.

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: The mom says, “Honey, what are you wearing?” He says, “I wanna go to work with daddy today.”

[Cut to Cecily and Steve]

Steve: Yeah. And dad reaches down, tussle his son’s hair a little bit.

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace: Yeah, and the mom’s got huge knockers. Go ahead!

Steve: Sure, sure. That can be part of it.

Mr. Wallace: No, no. It is part of it.

Steve: Sure. So, the mom has huge knockers.

Mr. Wallace: Good! Very good. Ya.

Steve: Exactly. And the kid says, “I want the same breakfast as daddy.”

Mr. Wallace: [interrupting] No, no. You know what it is? [Cut to Mr. Wallace] he looks at knockers and he’s like, “I’ll have what he’s having.” [laughing] That’s very good. Really, that’s very good. What’s the hook though?

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Um, well, okay, we thought maybe the mom would say, “If you keep keep eating your Labatto’s you can be like your dad.”

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace: Yeah, you cut to the kid and he put down his glasses and he goes right straight at the camera, he goes, “Whaaaat?” And the camera starts jiggling coz the cameraman is laughing. Go ahead.

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

Cecily: Um, right. The camera jiggles. And the dad puts his arm around the mom, looks at the son, and he says–

Mr. Wallace: [interrupting] He says, “You keep eating that Labatto’s, you’re gonna pork this big old thing.” [laughs] [Cut to Mr. Wallace] And he points to the mom who looks to the camera. She goes, “Whaaaat?” The camera shoots straight up. Straight up. Coz cameraman had a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

He’s very good guy. He’s nice.

Steve: So, the camera’s just pointing at the ceiling?

Mr. Wallace: Yeah! Yeah, that’s great. [Cut to Mr. Wallace] Then the kid leans into the shot. He looks down and he says, “Houston, we have a boner.” [laughs] [Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

Cecily: Oh, my god! Mr. Wallace, your stomach is bleeding.

[Mr. Wallace’s stomach is bleeding all over his shirt.]

Mr. Wallace: Oh, shoot! Oh, god! [Cut to Mr. Wallace] Man! I’ve been flirting with his girl who got my bellybutton pierced. I think she might hit a vessel. Oh boy. Man, things we do for a piece of tail, huh Steve?

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

Steve: I guess so, sir. Yeah, don’t call me sir. [Cut to Mr. Wallace] That was my dad’s name. Call me Sir Sly. Now, who is another smoker at me?

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

Cecily: Okay, well, we have a pitch for a Spatz’s family brand ketchup.

Mr. Wallace: Great. What is it?

Cecily: Okay. We open on a backyard barbecue. Grandma is there with her famous special sauce.

Mr. Wallace: Good, good.

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Beck: And then, someone put spats on her burger! Grand is–

[Cut to Cecily and Steve]

Steve: A bit set in her ways.

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: So, grandma sees him put the ketchup on.

[Cut to Cecily and Steve]

Cecily: And she starts running over to him.

[Cut to Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace: Yeah, yeah. She trips, falls down. Her face right on the grill. Her head gets on fire. And she’s screaming. Go ahead.

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: Um…

Steve: Uh, grandpa comes up. Put the fire out.

Beck: Grandma heads towards–

Mr. Wallace: Yeah, yeah, trips and falls faced on the grill this time, catches fire again. Go ahead.

Beck: And then grandpa…

Mr. Wallace: Pulls down his glasses. Go oh.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: And says, “Whaaaat?”

[Cut to Mr. Wallace being confused.]

Mr. Wallace: Explain!

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: I just..

[Cut to Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace: No, no, no, no. You know what it is? Grandpa says, “You’re a little baby!” And then grandma pops up. By this time her whole old lady face is burnt right off. And now, she’s got a smoking hot babe face. And then, of course, the huge knockers we didn’t notice before. Everyone pulls down their sunglasses and are like, “Houston, we have another boner.” Go on!

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: The camera starts shaking.

Mr. Wallace: Exactly. [Cut to Mr. Wallace] Exactly. The cameraman is dying laughing. The camera flips around, we finally see the cameraman. He’s cool and fun than all of them. He thinks it’s about– Think about that guy, he’s the coolest one of all of em’. All of em’!

[Cut to everybody]

That’s good. Oh god! Jesus!

[Mr. Wallace’s shirt is all soaked in blood]

Everybody: Oh!

Mr. Wallace: Oh, man! This thing is getting worse. Okay, well, you guys keep working. I’ma– I’m gonna go to the hospital.

[ends] [cheers and applause]

College Basketball

Ernie Johnson… Beck Bennett

Kenny Smith… Jay Pharoan

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Mike Krzyzewski… Taran Killam

Steve… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Road to the Final Four intro] [Cut to Ernie, Kenny and Charles in their set] [cheers and applause]

Ernie: Thank you for joining us on the CBS post game show. I’m Ernie Johnson here with Kenny Smith and Charles Barkley. Well, the teams are set. [Cut to Ernie] A big upset tonight as Wisconsin beats Kentucky and will play Duke for the man’s national championship. What an exciting performance by these student athletes, guys.

[Cut to all]

Kenny: Incredible.

Charles: Yeah. It really was. [Cut to Charles] I don’t even like college basketball. They just pay me to sit here for two weeks in March and keep talking until somebody hands me a sandwich.

[Cut to Ernie]

Ernie: Well, some tough news after the game guys. As Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski announced, his team may have major setback. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to Mike in a press conference]

Mike: Um, thank you all for being here. While we are thrilled to be competing for a national championship, I am sorry to report that one of our student athletes had an emergency. And our starting forward Jahlil Okafor will not play on Monday.

[Cut to the press being shocked.]

Kyle: Is he hurt?

Pete: Is he sick

Cecily: Did he tear an ACL?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: Um, no. No. He has a big biology test on Tuesday. Real big. It’s a tough break but what are you gonna do?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Wait, you’re gonna keep him out of the National Championship game because of a biology test?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: Of course, I am. Guys, these are student athletes. Students. If they only came to college to play basketball, then we’d all look pretty silly.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Coach, millions of people will be watching. I mean, there are sponsors paying big money. Is this biology test really that important?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: It’s about more than the test, okay? It’s like I told all my players, college is the most important year of your life. Look, these guys get paid in education. And if we can’t give them that, it’s like they’re being robbed. It’s be as if Duke didn’t pay me my salary of $10 million this year. [laughing] I mean, insane! So right now. Jahlil is in the Buffalo Wildwing study tent quietly working on the paper.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: So, if Okafor isn’t playing, who will start?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: Well, we still got Steve. Steve, you wanna come in here?

[Steve walks in with a basketball.]

Steve: Hey, what’s up? Yeah, let’s ball, am I right?

Mike: Steve is actually a walk on player. He is a 36 year old grad student.

Steve: Yeah. I went back to school to make my little girl proud.

Mike: Now, look. Is Steve better than Jahlil Okafor?

Steve: No.

Mike: Absolutely not.

Steve: No way.

Mike: Steve’s playing because he doesn’t have a test on Tuesday. That’s just how it works.

Steve: Yeah, we ballin’!

[Steve loses the ball from his hand] [Cut to Ernie, Kenny and Charles]

Ernie: Wow, tough break for Duke, specially for Jahlil Okafor.

[Cut to Kenny]

Kenny: I mean Okafor may feel bad today. But in the long run, it’s worth it. Remember, if he doesn’t take advantage of the college experience, he will just have to spend time the rest of his like a millionaire in NBA. That’s a tragedy. It’s a tragedy.

[Cut to Ernie]

Ernie: So, when you guys played, everyone cared this much about their studies?

[Cut to Charles]

Charles: Oh, absolutely Ernie. There in my time in Auburn, all I thought about was homework. One game, I missed all these free throws because I couldn’t stop thinking about my science project. I just couldn’t figure out exactly how much baking soda to put in volcanos. And I majored in volcanos.

[Cut to Kenny]

Kenny: I mean in North Carolina, I studied all the time. Because I’d be damned if I was going to be the only one in the NBA who did not know the poetry of Emily Dickerson. I mean, come on!

[Cut to Charles]

Charles: Me too. Me too. College basketball, more than just a sport. It’s about tradition. It’s about values. It’s about a huge bet I made that Kentucky would at least cover this bread. Now I got to eat a basketball.

[Cut to Ernie, Kenny and Charles]

Come on, man!

Ernie: We’ll see how it all goes down on Monday right here. And…

Ernie, Kenny and Charles: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Funk by James Brown

James Brown… Kevin Hart

Dave… Kenan Thompson

Steve… Taran Killam

Robbie… Bobby Moynihan

Ricki… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Jay Pharoah

Samantha… Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with a band on a stage in 1971]

James Brown: Hey! Yeah, I wanna get up and do my thing.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: I wanna get up and do my thing.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Can I count it all?

Band: Count it all.

James Brown: Can I count it all?

Band: Count it all.

James Brown: One, two, three, four.

[band starts playing music.] [singing] Get up

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Get up

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Stay on the scene

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Like a sex machine

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Hey, now wait a minute. Should we get all funky?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Ay! Ah! I said, should we get more funky?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Now, before we get funky, I need to hear from each person individual.

Dave: Why?

James Brown: Well, I just wanna make sure I’m making the right decision, you know. Hey! Should we get more funky, Steve?

[Cut to Steve, Robbie and Ricki playing their instruments]

Steve: Yes!

[Cut to James Brown]

James Brown: Hey! Yeah! Okay, that’s one. What about you, Robbie?

[Cut to Steve, Robbie and Ricki playing their instruments]

Robbie: Yeah!

[Cut to James Brown]

James Brown: Ha-ha-ha, fantastic. We’re halfway to funk-town people. Ay! Ricki, should we get more funky?

[Cut to Ricki is nodding his head yes.] [Cut to James Brown]

That’s not good enough, Ricki. I need a verbal commitment.

[Cut to Ricki]

Ricki: Okay, yes.

[Cut to James Brown and Dave]

James Brown: Thank you. Ay, Dave, should we get more funky?

Dave: I don’t know.

James Brown: You don’t know? What don’t you know, Dave?

Dave: I don’t know if I wanna get more funky than this.

[Cut to Kyle playing bass guitar]

Kyle: Yeah, I think we’re pretty good. We’re at funk-wise.

[Cut to Robbie.]

Robbie: Yeah, man. I mean, this is fun right now.

[Cut to James Brown and Dave. Jay is playing drums at the back.] James Brown: Okay, so wait a minute. Hold on. Hold on. So, y’all don’t want to get more funky?

Dave: I mean, should we get more funky?

James Brown: Wait, what are you doing? I ask the questions.

Jay: Ay, I got a question

James Brown: Wait, what did I just say?

Jay: Hey, how come you’re the only one that get a cape?

Dave: Yeah, why don’t we all get capes?

James Brown: Coz if we all get capes, who’s gonna bring out the cape?

Dave: Maybe Samantha can bring out the capes.

James Brown: What? Samantha! You wanna bring out the capes?

[Cut to Lorraine and Samantha rocking her body to the music.]

Samantha: I’m not bringing out no damn capes.

[Cut to James Brown, Dave and Jay]

James Brown: Well, that settles cap thing. Hey!

[singing] Get up

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Get up

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Stay on the scene

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Like a sex machine

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Ay! Now, should we take it to the bridge?

Band: Yes.

James Brown: I said, should we take it to the bridge?

Band: Yes.

James Brown: Steve, bridge?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: No!

[Cut to James Brown and Dave]

James Brown: Wait, just a flat no? Okay, I just heard you said ‘yeah’ with everybody else. What about you? Ay! Lauren, should we take it to the bridge?

[Cut to Lorraine and Samantha]

Lorraine: It’s Lorraine.

James Brown: Lorraine? Since when?

[Cut to Lorraine and Samantha]

Lorraine: Tuesday. I got married. [showing her ring] [Cut to James Brown and Dave]

James Brown: You got married and you changed your first name? Hey! Hey, well, you know what? I don’t want to take it to the bridge no more.

Band: What?

James Brown: Yeah, I don’t wanna. This song says three words for about 20 minutes. You know what? I’m hungry. You guys hungry?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Should we get the chicken prawn?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Hah! So that’s 10 chicken prawn.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Lorraine, you want the chicken prawn?

[Cut to Lorraine and Samantha]

Lorraine: With mustard.

[Cut to James Brown and Dave]

James Brown: With mustard? Who wants mustard on a chicken prawn?

Dave: I do.

James Brown: Okay, fine. So, that’s 10 chicken prawns with mustard.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Hey, now can I hit it to quit it?

Dave: I don’t know, James. Can you?

James Brown: May I, okay. May I hit it to quit it.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Wait, so if I stop singing, you all gonna stop playing?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Coz I don’t wanna stop singing, then you all keep playing. Then one thinks I made a mistake.

Dave: That’s not gonna happen dude.

James Brown: Okay, hit me!

[the band stops playing] [still singing] stay on the scene…

Dammit! I’m sorry guys. I’m sorry. That’s my bad. Chicken prawn.

Secret Billionaire

Steve… Taran Killam

Stacy… Cecily Strong

Mike… Bobby Moynihan

Gordon… Beck Bennett

Abit Bana Wilkin… Jim Carrey

Tony… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Secret Billionaire intro] [Cut to the show]

Steve: Welcome back to Secret Billionaire. At the top of our show, we met Stacy. A waitress and aspiring pilot. Stacy, you came on Secret Billionaire because you’re looking for a man of wealth.

Stacy: That’s right, Steve. I want a life of luxury.

Steve: Well, tonight, we have four eligible bachelors, but here’s the twist, only one of them is an actual billionaire. Gentlemen, please introduce yourselves.

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: What’s up Stace? I’m Mike. I’m an internet genius. Ha-ha!

[Cut to Gordon]

Gordon: Hi Stacy. I’m Gordon, heir to a massive chain of retail stores.

[Cut to Abit. He is very old and is on a wheelchair.]

Abit: And I’m Abit Bana Wilkin, senior member of Illuminati.

[Cut to Tony]

Tony: And I’m Tony. Hip Hop mobile.

[Cut to everybody]

Steve: Well, Stacy, it’s time to get to know your bachelors. [Cut to Steve and Stacy] Keep in mind, only one of them is telling the truth.

Stacy: Okay, guys, I’m a good girl but I have a crazy side. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: Oh, man! There’s like, so many. But I would have to go with the time that I bought out a whole movie theater just so I wouldn’t have to sit next to anyone. Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Wow, save some popcorn for me. Tony.

[Cut to Tony]

Tony: Well, I once filled my entire hot tub with gold and $100 bills. Then I took a bling bath. [laughing] [Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Ooh! Abit.

[Cut to Abit]

Abit: It’s simple. In 1978, I rigged an election in Panama. As I had high stakes in a banana futures. Things got messy and the bastards made off of those sovereign, my left hand. But fortunately, I replaced it with one of my own creations. [Abit shows his robotic hand] This mechanic-tronic hand, strong enough to crush steel but soft enough for manual pleasure.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Ooh! The hand is cool.

Steve: I know. Really think about their answers, Stacy. Next question.

Stacy: Okay, guys. I love to travel. If we could go anywhere in the world, where would you take me?

[Cut to Gordon]

Gordon: That’s easy. I would take you in my own personal helicopter that I own to the city of love, Paris. Where we’ll have champagne on the bar at the top of the Eiffel tower.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Wow, I love bars. Mike?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: I would fly you to Japan just to get fresh sushi for dinner.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Um, amazing. Abit.

[Cut to Abit]

Abit: I would take you to the wide open spaces of the upper Utah where hot air balloon will be waiting. I would have send in it alone and pleasure myself to completion. And observe my essence fall 3,000 feet and marvel at the majesty of mother earth as she accepts my seed for purchase. And after that, we would go to Applebees and eat among the dollars.

[Cut to Tony staring at Abit being surprised]

Tony: Okay. I’d take you to the Luxa.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Steve: [laughing] You have got your work cut out for you, Stacy.

Abit: Stacy, I brought you something. [Cut to Abit. He has a puppy in his hands.] This puppy is wearing an exact replica of a suit worn by the man in seat 3A in the Malaysian airliner that [showing his two fingers as quoting] “disappeared”. It serves as both a gift and a warning.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Aw! I love puppies. Okay, final question. Guys, I love the holidays. What do you do to feel jolly?

[Cut to Abit]

Abit: I was alone and bored one Christmas. So, I rented out an airplane hanger and filled it with 250 men named Dennis and one name Brian. I watched from two way glass above just to see what they would do. Would the Dennisses even know? Soon they started introducing themselves. “I am Dennis.” “I am Dennis.” “I am Dennis.” “I am Dennis.” And I watched Brian very carefully. Would he be frightened and disoriented? Fully immersed in a world out of his control? A world of Dennisses? Or would he become a sort of unofficial leader? For 10 hours they mingled, trying to make sense of it all. And I sat the whole time and wrapped the tension, gently sipping on a glass of octopus urine.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Aw, I love seafood.

Steve: Stacy, this is gonna be a tough decision, but the clues are out there. When we come back, it’s time for our one-on-one dates.

[Cut to everybody]

Abit: How much do you charge for your dignity? [Abit moves forward to Stacy on his wheelchair] [cheers and applause]

Joan Song

Joan… Aidy Bryant

Steve… Kyle Mooney

Doug… Harry Styles

[Starts with Joan sitting on a sofa] [Music playing]

Joan: Hi, I’m Joan and I currently live alone

in a small nice home

nobody calls me on the telephone

so, it’s me and just me

I used to live with my boyfriend Steve

but Steve chose to leave

because he found me boring and additionally he was Cheating on me

but I’ll be okay

I found a new guy I like better anyway

he’s hot, oh, he’s hot

He likes my body and my personality a lot

[Joan is carrying a Chihuahua]

My dog is my boyfriend

we are in love

he’s a 12-pound Chihuahua

found him on the street and I named him Doug

Doug I love you

I love you big fat neck

Doug is my new boyfriend

don’t worry we don’t have sex

Doug likes romance

Once I showed him pictures of Paris, France

Doug, we just kiss

we talk for hours then I take him out to piss

he watches me while I get ready

then we share a bowl of meatballs and spaghetti

OH, Doug, how I wish you could speak

Even for a moment just to make a squeak

I think I know what you’d say

but I like to imagine it anyway

[The Chihuahua grows to a human being (Harry Styles)]

(Doug) Harry Styles: Joan I love you

I love the way you feed me ham

You’re my life, my love, my everything.

I love you just the way you am

The taste of your bathroom garbage

sends me into overdrive

I’m terrified of vacuum’s

but you’re the most gorgeous woman alive

Joan and Doug: We are in love we are in love

until our dying day

[Cut to Joan in her room singing]

Joan: You are so cool and so funny

in every single way

[Cut to Doug and Joan]

Both: I get to stars we kiss the sky

and together we’ll live forever

Doug: Joan I have to go back.

Joan: No, why?

Doug: They said could I only be a man of an hour.

Joan: But who said that?

Doug: God, and his friends.

Joan: Fine, if that’s how it has to be.

Doug: But wait, before I go I have to tell you something.

Joan: Anything.

Doug: I ate two of your socks and three pairs of your underwear. It’s caused a blockage in my intestines and it will cost you $8,000. I’m sorry Joan.

Joan: It’s okay Doug, you’re worth it.

[With all the lightnings, Doug changes back to a Chihuahua]

Joan: Doug I love you

You love me too that’  know

You’re not just my boyfriend

to me you’re the best in show

I love you, Doug

To Have and Have Not | Season 44 Episode 14

Reese De’What… Kenen Thompson

Humphrey Bogard, Steve… John Mulaney

Lauren Bacall… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Cinema Classis intro]

Narrator: You’re watching ‘Cinema Classics’ on TBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his program set]

Reese De’What: Welcome to Cinema Classics. I am your host, Reese De’What. Tonight we look at the 1944 war romance ‘To Have and Have Not’ starring Humphrey Bogard and Lauren Bacall in her film debut. While some critics call it the poor man’s ‘Casa Blanca’. The chemistry between it’s two stars was palpable. It was almost as palpable as my wife’s anger. She asked me to guess how much weight she’s lost and I said “From where?” Worst couples massage ever. “To have and not have” is best known for the line, “You know how to whistle, don’t you?” Which was so steamy that most people don’t remember what came after it. So, let’s take a look back now at that full uncut scene.

[Cut to Steve and Lauren, a black&white movie clip from ‘To Have and Have Not’]

Steve: What are you doing here? I thought you said you were going to bed.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Steve, most times I know just what to say. [Cut to Steve and Lauren. Lauren walks to Steve and sits on his lap] The other times, the other times—you’re just a stinger.

[They kiss, just touching each other’s face][Lauren stands up]

Steve: Why did you do that for?

Lauren: I wanted to see if I’d like it. You don’t have to act with me, Steve. You don’t have to say anything and you don’t have to do anything. Well, maybe just whistle. You do know how to whistle, don’t you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow. [Lauren tries to whistle but can’t] Good night. [Lauren leaves the room] [Cut to Steve]

Steve: All right.

[The door knocks. Cut to Lauren comes in again.]

Lauren: Hey, Steve, can I came back in?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: If you want to.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Yes, I feel like, maybe I’m being crazy, but was that whistle weird?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Well, I clocked it for sure.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: I’ve actually never whistled before. I thought it would be intuitive. But it’s pretty hard.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: What kind of a man would I be if I turned down a dame like you over something like that?

[Cut to Steve and Lauren]

Lauren: Good. Now, I really should go to bed. And I’m just right down the hall, just a whistle away. [Cut to Lauren] You know how, right?

Steve: Yes I do.

Lauren: You just put your two lips together and blow. [Lauren tries to whistle, but instead she spits] [Cut to Steve is unimpressed] Wait, no, no. [Cut to Lauren] Wait, I got it. I got it. [Lauren tries to whistle but still can’t] Am I whistling yet?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: No, no. Of course not.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: All right, well, seems like progress. Okay, good night. [Lauren leaves the room] [Cut to Steve]

Steve: Yikes. I still want to get with her, but I’m worried I’ll get in trouble.

[Door knocks. Cut to Lauren coming in again.]

Lauren: Hi, it’s me again, just from before.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: You don’t have to explain who you are.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: I think I’m just really nervous. I basically just invited you to come to my room and do me in exchange for a boat ride out of here.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: That’s okay. Maybe you should just go to bed.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: All right. I will. But if you need me, I’m right down the hall. You don’t even have to whistle. [Cut to Steve and Lauren] You could just sing a little tune. You know how to sing a little tine, don’t you? [Lauren starts singing funny]

Steve: Okay, you get out of here.

Lauren: Okay. Maybe I’m gay. What do you think? No. I’m putting you on the spot. You’re not a doctor. Not that I need a doctor. Do you know any? I’m kidding. Good night.

Steve: Oh, my god. Good night.

Lauren: Well, aren’t we fickle.

Steve: Now don’t ramp up for another whole thing.

Lauren: Okay. Well, I just wanted to tell you that you are a little stinker. If you want a little stink, you know where to find me. You just follow that nose all the way down to that stink. I should go to school. What am I doing? I don’t know why I said that. This whole thing has been a performance. Look, if you want me, just shimmy on down the hall. You do know how to shimmy, don’t you? You go like – [Lauren starts acting weird]