Home Makeover

Cara… Heidi Gardner

Steve… Kyle Mooney

Blake… Mikey Day

Jared… Nick Jonas

[Starts with show intro]

Cara: Welcome to Bachelor Home Makeover where we give single guys a fresh new lease on life by turning their drab homes into fab paz. [Steve and Blake are having fun in their apartment] This is Steve and his best friend Blake. They’re both recently separated and decided to move in together in this down town fixer upper with a ton of potential.

Steve: I say my design taste is open concept or whatever and I want a spot in the crib where I can gang. That’s how I make money right now.

Blake: Me, pretty much the same things. But also, I like to cook. So like, a kitchen is a must.

Steve: Yeah, kitchen will be tight.

Cara: I could tell these two weren’t gonna make my job easy. That’s why I enlisted the help of Jared.

Jared: Hey, Cara. I specialize in designing rented homes for single guys just like them. And I know they’re gonna love what we did.

Blake: To our new home, roomie.

Steve: Alright, let’s do it.

[Cut to revealing the apartment.]

Cara: So, are you two finally ready to see your new forever home?

[walks inside the apartment]

Blake: Yo!

Steve: This is high.

Cara: Do you love it?

Blake: It’s so bum.

Cara: Great. I’ll tell you what we did. We put up a fresh coat of stark white paint.

Jared: And we took out all that furniture you guys never used and put in this leather couch, a glass coffee table–

Cara: And a huge TV for gaming.

Blake: Yo, I got to sit on this. [sits on the sofa] This looks like the couch from–

Jared: Casting porn? That’s because it’s very similar.

Steve: It’s got like, the cup holders already built in the couch?

Cara: It does. And a tiny fridge on the side. And Blake, I know you like to eat peanuts. So, how about a little trash compartment for all your shell?

Blake: Dude! How did you guys think of that?

Jared: That’s not all we did. Steve, we know you like the move Scarface.

Steve: That’s my jam. How’d you know that?

Cara: So, we got you this framed Scarface movie poster and put it on one of the stark white wall.

Jared: And Blake, we got you a framed Rat Pack poster.

Blake: Yo, this is crazy coz I’m always saying that if I could go back to time period, it would be Rat Pat.

Cara: Well, there’s still a lot more to see. Shall we?

[cut to checking bathroom.]

Jared: Alright, so checkout your bathroom. When we first got here, you both only had one towel each.

Cara: And those were filthy.

Steve: They clean, just stained.

Jared: Now, you don’t have to worry about that because we got you four new towels.

Cara: And they’re navy blue so you don’t have to worry about stains.

Blake: That’s so smart.

Cara: And I know you hate the Dallas cowboys, so we put a Cowboys sticker inside the toile.

Blake: Yo, dude, that’s what I’m talking about.

Steve: I’m not gonna lie, that’s flago.

[checking Steve’s bedroom]

Jared: Alright, let’s look in the bedroom, guys.

Steve: Wait, how did you get the lights to be, like, purple like that?

Jared: We put in Phillips color bulbs so you can make the lights any color you want.

Steve: So, I can make it red if I have a girl over?

Jared: Exactly.

[checking the kitchen]

Cara: Now, the kitchen was fun. We took all your little ketchups and turned them into one big ketchup.

Jared: You guys also mentioned you like to cook.

Steve: That’s him. He’s the chef.

Blake: Yeah, I do a little something-something.

Jared: But we noticed the stove doesn’t work.

Blake: Oh no, it works. You just have to light it or something.

Steve: Or just leave it on.

Jared: That’s not good at all and you shouldn’t have to do that. So, we hooked you up with a brand new AirFryer.

Steve: Is that a ninja one?

Jared: It sure is.

Cara: And one last thing. We knew you guys both really like whiskey. So, the folks at Superior Wine and Spirits hooked you two up with two bottles of Jameson for your counter.

Blake: Dude! Two?

Cara: Two.

Blake: We get to keep both?

Jared: Alright guys, last but certainly not least, we built you a shelf and put some things on here we thought you might like.

Steve: Is that the Thanos glove?

Jared: Yeah.
Blake: Dude, this is crazy. Y’all nailed everything.

Steve: For real. Coz, it’s been a hard year for me. I got fired from my job for telling some jokes. But y’all did your thing on this.

Blake: Oh behalf of me and my boy, man, good looking out.

Jared: It was our pleasure.

Cara: Yeah. And, how bout enjoy your new home?

Steve: We will.

Man, I still can’t believe we live here.

Blake: Yo, when my kids stay for the weekend, they love the big TV. And the AirFryer makes my famous Tats more fire than ever.

Steve: Ay, ladies like it too. Coz I posted some pictures of new crib on the gram, got couple of prospects.

Blake: Thanks, Bachelor Home Makeover.

Steve: Y’all saved my life, yo!

Bits

Garet… Chris Redd

Jake… Mikey Day

Steve… Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Ryan… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with guys watching a game]

Garet: Fourth quarter, here we go. Everybody good on drinks? Jake?

Jake: Oh, no man. I got work early tomorrow. I think I’m good.

Steve: Cut to you forty beers later being like, “Ah! Actually I think I’m gonna be using that sick day.”

[everyone laughing]

Beck: Yeah. Cut to your wife tomorrow morning being like, “Are you drunk?” And you’re like, “No. [making puking sound] ”

Garet: Oh, come on, man! It’s not a late hit.

Jake: I know. This league is so soft now. It’s ridiculous.

Ryan: Cut to he’s like, so drunk, he’s got a grenade launcher now. And he’s like, “Ah! Never mind the kids. Save the burritos!”

[Everybody are looking at Ryan confused.]

Steve: What?

Ryan: Just.. from earlier. Jake. He’s just like, so drunk.

Garet: A grenade launcher? Man, I want whatever Ryan’s smoking.

[everyone laughing]

Ryan: I was just messing.

Jake: I think I’m gonna grab those buffalo wings actually. I’m starving.

[music playing] [Everyone goes dark. The spotlight is on Ryan.]

Ryan: [singing] Why can’t I keep thе joke going?
(keep the joke going)
When I riff with my friends
I just slow things down
(slow things down)

I always jump in really confident
But nobody laughs at what I say

I try so hard
But what i say just doesn’t make sense
It sounds so good in my head
But then my energy is weird

I’m the guy who kills the bit
Kills the bit
Kills the bit

Yes, I’m always killing the bit
Killing the bit
Killing the bit

Now, once again, everybody’s laughing
I’d better say something cool and hilarious

[Cut back to everyone laughing and enjoying the game]

Ryan: Say… cut to, like, a giant mutated buffalo wing with boxing gloves, and it’s like, “In this corner, weighing in at a thousand pounds, Johnny buffalo!”

[Everyone is looking at him confused again]

Beck: What?

Ryan: The buffalo wings you guys were talking about…

Garet: That was, like, five minutes ago!

[all groan as Ryan spills the plate of wings.]

Beck: Oh, dude!

Jake: Okay…

Ryan: Guess Garett’s right. I want what I’m smoking!

Steve: Ryan, listen. We like you, man. You’re a great guy. So, I say this with love. You don’t have to be funny, man

Ryan: Alright, Steve!

Steve: No, seriously, man, it’s okay to just listen. You don’t have to add anything.

Ryan: Right. Cut to me making, like, a thousand more jokes.

Garet: I’m sorry. Am I missing something? What is this “cut to” thing?

Steve: Uh, we were doing it earlier. Maybe just give it a rest?

Beck: Yeah. I think we’re all a little “cut to”-ed out.

Ryan: For sure. Cut to… me making another “cut to” joke?

[All stare, then giggle a bit]

Garet: Okay, that’s not bad.

Jake: Yeah, that one was pretty good

[music playing]

Ryan: [singing] I’m the guy who nailed the bit
Nailed the bit
Nailed the bit

And now that I’ve proven myself
I’m finally just one of the guys

[Cut to the guys]

Ryan: Hey, Steve! Beer alert, think fast!

[Ryan throws the beer can at Steve and it hits him in the head.]

All: Oh!

Steve: Fuck!

Ryan: Oh, crap… I think I might just bounce.

Scorpio

Steve… Dwayne Johnson

Linda… Cecily Strong

Sue… Sasheer Zamata

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with comic pages turning]

Male voice: I was just an ordinary guy… until the extraordinary happened. [scorpions are biting this guy. After that, he has become strong and now is fighting as a hero.] And extraordinary is just what this city needed.

[Cut to Linda speaking on phone in her office]

Linda: Maximilian is no joke. He is destroying the entire north side of the city. I can’t even get reporters on the field. It’s too dangerous.

Steve: Linda! [Linda gets scared as she thought she was alone. Steve is in his super hero costume.] Don’t be afraid.

Linda: Steve?

Steve: It’s me. I am, well, different.

Linda: What? What happened?

Steve: It’s hard to explain. But now I possess the super abilities of a scorpion, enhanced strength, deadly grip and venomous sting. With my powers and this armor that I created, I vow to become the vigilante this city needs. I came here to say goodbye just in case I don’t come back.

Linda: That’s incredible, but hold on. You made that?

Steve: What? The suit?

Linda: Yeah! You sewed that?

Steve: Yes. Yes, I did. Now this city won’t need to–

Linda: It’s gorgeous.

Steve: You think so?

Linda: I do. You made it with your own hands?

Steve: Yes, I did.

Linda: When?

Steve: Oh, just last night.

Linda: In just one night?

Steve: [laughing] Yes. It’s really easy once you settle on the… what’s it? Oh, silhoutte.

Linda: Steve!

Steve: It’s Scorpio now.

Linda: Scorpio, this is insane. Like, your super powers include impeccable tailoring?

Steve: Well, I- I had that from before.

Linda: From before? Oh, my god! I just noticed the little zipper on the side.

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

[Sue and Aidy walk in]

Sue: I heard Maximilian attacked a hospital.

Aidy: Oh my god! What is this outfit?

Linda: He made it.

Steve: I made it. I made it.

Sue: Shut up. No, you didn’t.

Aidy: Okay, the zipper is–

Steve: I know, I know. It’s a little wonky. I just rushe because the hospital was going to explode.

Linda: Girls. Look, the little scorpion on the buckle matches the detailing on the shoulder.

Steve: Oh, but let me ask you. You don’t think it’s too much, do you? Because I was worried that the buckles might be a little too much.

Linda: No, no. Like, if I saw it laid out on a table, I’d be like, “Yeah, that’s too much.” Seeing it on you, I’m like, “No, it’s perfect.”

Aidy: Yeah. I love that the fabrics are a mix of high and low. Honestly, for me it’s a full yes.

Steve: Oh, great. Well, you know, I didn’t want to be too matchy-matchy.

Sue: I feel like it could use a scorpion on the chest.

Steve: No.

Aidy: Disagree.

Steve: God, no.

Linda: Too literal.

Steve: No. I want it to feel like scorpion by suggesting themes like danger, poison, night. And it’s a very earthy color story.

Sue: yeah. But I just think it could be a cool–

Steve: No, I know, but it’s a garment, it’s not a costume.

Sue: Alright. Alright.

Steve: Yeah. I mean scorpion on the chest. What? Do you wear a blouse with like “Sue’ written on it?

Sue: Alright!

Aidy: Oh, dear god! I didn’t see the back.

[Steve turns around. There’s a big hole at the back.]

Girls: Oh!

Steve: Thank you. I just wanted a little, you know, like, [slaps his own butt] umm!

Sue: Look at that butt!

Steve: Oh, it’s– it’s padded. Shh.

Steve: Could you make something for me?

Aidy: I honestly feel like this might be your thing, Steve.

Steve: Scorpio!

Aidy: Scorpio. I need to see a whole collection from you, Scorpio.

Sue: Yeah. Being a superhero is a skill, but designing is a talent.

Radio: Maximilian threatens to blow up city hall in five minutes. This city needs a hero.

[Steve turns the radio off]

Steve: I made a capelet for winter missions. Would you guys like to see it?

Girls: Oh, yes!

[Steve pulls out his cape with scorpion print]

Linda: What? How did you get it to not crease at the seams?

Steve: Yeah. I actually cut it along the bias.

Aidy: Oh, I cannot!

[explosion sound]

Linda: Oh, my god! City hall.

Steve: Should I design wedding dresses?

Sue: Yes! Please!

[Ends with a comic picture of a Scorpio Boutique]

Drug Company Hearing

Beck Bennett

Vanessa Bayer

Alex Moffat

Mrs. William... Octavia Spencer

Seasonique… Sasheer Zamata

Lunestra… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Beck briefing about the hearing] Beck: Alright, thank you all for agreeing to this hearing. Both of you understand that the decisions made today are legally binding?

Vanessa and Alex: Yes.

Beck: Okay. Mrs. Williams, you are filing a claim against your former employer, Merck Pharmaceuticals where you worked for the past 22 years.

Mrs. William: Yes, sir. I’m suing for intellectual property theft because they’ve stolen many of my ideas. And I am asking for $20 millions in damages.

Vanessa: That’s ridiculous. MR.s Williams worked in accounting. No one there is responsible for ideas.

Mrs. William: Sir, let me give you an example. IN December, 2004, this company created a drug called Seasonique. Well, back in 1997, I had a child. Please say hello to Seasonique. [Seasonique walks in]

Seasonique: Hello.

Beck: Oh, your name is Seasonique?

Seasonique: Yes, sir. My name is Seasonique Boniva Williams.

Mrs. William: That’s right. Seasonique was born on the one special day between spring and summer. She was seasonique. And that’s not the only example. This company has named dozens of their drugs after members of my family.

Beck: Mrs. Williams, I–

Mrs. William: Please call me Lyrica. That’s my name, but it’s also an anti-epilepsy drug.

Beck: That’s certainly interesting.

Alex: Please! We have a whole team that names our products according to years of research. This is clearly a coincidence.

Mrs. William: Oh, really? Let’s look at some other examples, shall we? Celexa.

Seasonique: That’s my cousin.

Mrs. William: Femara.

Seasonique: My other cousin.

Mrs. William: Eliquis. She lives down the way.

Seasonique: Over there.

Mrs. William: Cymbalta.

Seasonique: She’s trouble, but she’s fun.

Mrs. William: Um-hmm. Allegra. Now she does my hair, now she don’t have a shop, so I go to her house where she has a little baby name little Nicorette. So, you see sir, these people aren’t coming up with new drug names. They’re just flipping through the contacts of my phone.

Beck: Well, there does appear to be evidence here.

Vanessa: Sir, this is just payback. Mrs. Williams was recently laid off from Merck and she’s looking for retribution.

Mrs. William: You think so? Well, let me bring in one of my co-workers who’s still an employee there today. Come on, in.

Beck: And you are?

Lunestra: Lunestra. Lunestra Crestor Harrison. And I worked at Merk for 11 years. Back in 2009, I fell asleep on my computer keyboard, and two weeks later this company came out with a sleep aid called Lunestra. This company has taken the names of so many people in our neighborhood including my sister Propecia.

Seasonique: Or my nephew, Dayquil.

Beck: Huh! Well, I have to say that seems more than circumstantial.

Vanessa: Perhaps. But even if it was, there’s just no proof that having the same names as the drugs has caused the women any harm.

Seasonique: Really? You think it is nice to be associated with high cholesterol and erectile dysfunction?

Alex: Oh, that’s terrible. Sorry!

Lunestra: See? He knows this is the biggest corporate injustice since my aunt, Activia, worked at this yogurt company.

Mrs. William: It’s a travesty. [putting her hand over her chest] Oh, oh, I am sorry sir. I’m having a little episode. I need my Humira.

Beck: Oh, that’s fine. Can we get you a glass of water?

Mrs. William: No, Humira is my emotional support dog. She always calms m down.

Seasonique: You even stole her dog.

Alex: Come on!

Beck: Okay, alright. I have to say the evidence is overwhelming. It is my ruling that Mrs. William’s claim has merit. I am awarding her the full amount in damages. Thank you all.

Mrs. William: [cheering] So we get the money? I can finally put Tylenol through college.

Lunestra: I can’t believe they stole that from you too.

Chucky Chocolate

Octavia Spencer

Mike… Kenan Thompson

Vanessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Steve… Beck Bennett

Bobby Moynihan

Aidy Bryant

Security… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Octavia talking to her staff]

Octavia: Circle up, everybody. Now, I wanna talk about what happened on Friday. Obviously that was pretty upsetting for everyone.

Mike: Yeah, just awful.

Vanessa: I’m still little shaken up.

Octavia: Well, suffice to say, Steve will not be working here anymore. I’ve been told he won’t even be allowed on the premises.

Cecily: Thank god.

Octavia: And I want to reassure you that this is an office where you can feel safe and comfortable.

[funny music playing] [Steve walks in with a cart]

What’s that?

Vanessa: Oh, my god! I think, Steve.’

Steve: Hey, hey, hey. Chocolate delivery. Here I am, your humble chocolate delivery man. Your most apology in the form of chocolates. You see? Fripples for all.

Bobby: Are you wearing makeup?

Steve: Just a little bit.

Vanessa: Steve, sweets are not gonna make up for what you did.

Steve: Oh, yeah? Well, here’s a question. [singing] Do you like chocolate lotto? With peppermint crump. du-du-du-du
Do you even like second chances? To a real sorry boy.

What do you say, guys?

Bobby: You shouldn’t be here, man!

Steve: Look, ha-ha-ha, I know I was a bit of a dick. It’s nothing that chocolates can’t fix.

Octavia: You came in with a gun, Steve.

Steve: [singing] Rocky road, lotto, chocolate chips, double dip

[trying to put a chocolate bar in Vanessa’s mouth] Ooh! Those are bars.

Vanessa: Get it off my face, please.

Octavia: How did you get pass security, Steve?

Steve: Steve? Steve? I don’t see Steve. I only see Chucky Chocolate.

Octavia: Chucky Chocolate?

Steve: Jackie Chocolate.

Cecily: No, you said Chucky.

Steve: Who cares? Get over it. I don’t know.

Aidy: Steve, you can’t be here. Okay? You grabbed Debby by the shirt and you screamed, “I’m seeing that chest for once and for all.”

Steve: Thick move. My bad. But in my defense,

[singing] Oh, chikidi-chocolate, the Chinese chocolate,
you have a pepper mint and your mouth start singing
ooh-yeah! Chocolate time for the lady.

Mike: Steve! Are you honestly so insane that you think free chocolates are gonna get you your job back?

[Steve nodding his head]

Octavia: Oh, my god! He just pissed his pants.

Steve: Ha-ha. You wish. [Steve’s pants are all wet]

Octavia: Steve, you need to get out of here.

Steve: Oh, and go to my desk? And start my day? Unpack my things and such?

Octavia: No. I just called security.

Steve: Oh! To escort me to my desk? So I can start my day? Unpack my things and such?

[the security walks in]

Oh, who’s this hungry boy? Chocolate, alright! [puts a chocolate in Security’s mouth]

Security: Hey! Come on! Let’s go.

Steve: Hey, can I just say one freaking thing? Nobody will let me even talk.

Octavia: Bitch, you’ve been talking the whole time.

Steve: Look, gang, I know I was a bit of a dick. But look at Mike, he’s going– dude, you’re being too hard on yourself.

Mike: No, I’m not.

Steve: If I had a gun, I’d blow your brains out, Mike. And that’s why I’m Chuckie Chocolate, the elegant chocolate man.

Meet Cute

Clair… Kristen Stewart

Steve… Pete Davidson

Coffee maker… Mikey Day

Hair Dresser… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a coffee pouring out of coffee machine]

Male voice: Soy coffee with latte milk.

[two people try to get the cup]

Clair: Oops, sorry.

Steve: Oh, that’s okay. That’s crazy. Nobody ever gets my order.

Clair: Order up! [Clair picks up the cup and gives it to Steve]

Steve: We’re gonna need a bigger cup! [Clair and Steve laughing] Oh! I’m Steve.

Clair: I’m Clair. Hi, Steve.

Steve: Um, I never do this but… I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to get dinner sometime?

Clair: Um, yeah. Yeah, I would. I would love that.

Steve: Oh, great.

Clair: Okay, well, I’ll see you tonight?

Steve: Yeah. I can’t wait.

Clair: Bye, Steve.

Steve: Bye, Clair.

Male voice: Another soy coffee with latte milk.

[Steve gets the cup, then suddenly turns around. Clair is getting in the car.]

Steve: But wait! Where are we going? And what time? And what’s your last name? And what’s your phone number? What’s everything? Clair!

[Cut to Clair in her car]

Clair: [talking on phone] Mom, this is a little nuts, but I think I just met someone.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: That girl that was just here. Do you know her last name?

Coffee maker: No, dude. Sorry.

Steve: Maybe there’s like, the last name on a receipt that you could check?

Coffee maker: Dude, I’m not just gonna like, show you someone’s receipt.

Steve: Have you ever been in a situation where you meet your soulmate, you just need to help a friend?

Coffee maker: No.

[Cut to Clair walking in the street looking very happy] [Cut to Steve searching for Clair in Facebook]

Steve: 3 million results?

[Cut to Clair in a hair salon]

Hair dresser: I have never seen you this happy. You are gonna look amazing. You’re gonna go out there and be like, “Say what?” And he’s gonna be like, “Get on it!”

[Cut to Steve calling everyone named Clair out of phonebook]

Steve: Have you seen somebody named Clair? Hi, is this Clair? That’s like a sunshine in her eyes. Clair? Well, you’re crazy!

[Cut to Clair showing her outfit to her friends.] [First dress]

Friends: Argh!

[Second dress]

Friends: No!

[Third dress]

Friends: [happily screaming] Ahhh! Yay!

[Cut to Steve walking around asking people about Clair]

Steve: She’s like this tall and she doesn’t tell you like, important stuff. Clair?

[Cut to Clair taking a seat at a restaurant]

Clair: [to waiter] He’ll be here soon.

[Cut to Steve asking the coffee maker]

Steve: So, she could be at the wine bar on the second avenue, the wine bar on third avenue, any of the subway stations–

Coffee Maker: Dude, it’s Manhattan with two Ts, not two Ds.

Steve: It’s not Manhaddan?

Coffee Maker: No, dude.

[Cut to Clair waiting for Steve alone] [Cut to Steve shouting Clair’s name in the streets]

Steve: Clair! Clair! Clair!

[Cut to Clair. The waiter brings in the check.]

Clair: Thanks. This was– This was fun.

[Cut to Steve shouting Clair’s name in the streets]

Steve: Clair! Clair! Clair!

[Cut to Clair back in her house] [Cut to Steve yelling Clair’s name for the last time on his knees.]

Steve: Clair!

[Cut to Clair sitting in her house. She hears Steve shouting her name. She opens the window and looks down at the street.]

Clair: Steve!

Steve: Clair? Oh my god, I’ve been looking for you all night!

Clair: Oh, really? Well, you found me. I don’t normally do this but you want to come up?

Steve: Of course. I would love that.

Clair: I’ll see you in a sec, then.

Steve: See you up there.

[Clair gets in and closes the window]

Clair! I don’t know what apartment you’re in! Clair!

Pizza Town

Carozzi… Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Peppi Ronnie… Aziz Ansari

Jeff… Bobby Moynihan

Steve… Mikey Day

Marynara… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Carozzi hiding in an abandoned Pizza Town]

Carozzi: [talking on the phone] Cops are all over the stash house. So, I’m laying low at the abandoned Pizza Town off route. Look, if you find that snitch, you kill him.

[Two cops walk in pointing a gun at Carozzi]

Beck: Freeze, Carozzi. [to his partner] See if you can find the fuse box and get some light on it.

[Kenan runs to turn lights on]

Carozzi: How did you find me?

Beck: One of you boys ratted you out. Your whole operation’s going down.

Carozzi: Who ratted? Was it Marco?

Beck: Let me worry about that.

Kenan: Found the fuse box.

[the lights turn oh. There’s a robot band on the stage of the restaurant.] [music playing]

Peppi Ronnie: I’m Peppi Ronnie. [singing] I like that pizza, pizza
I like pizza pie
I want a pizza, pizza
Pizza what? Pizza pie

Let’s all eat pizza, pizza
let’s all eat pizza pie
I am a pizza, pizza
Pizza what? Pizza guy

Beck: Why’d you turn this thing one?

Kenan: I don’t know. It’s just one switch.

Beck: Don’t do anything stupid, Carozzi.

Peppi Ronnie: Say hi to my pizza pals.

[Jeff is playing drums wearing chef uniform]

Jeff: I’m Chef Jeff, and I make-a the pizzas.

[Steve is playing guitar that looks like a pizza]

Steve: I’m Cheesy Steve and I shred the guitar-mesan.

[guitar solo playing] [Marynara is playing tamborine]

Marynara: And I’m Sauce-some Marynara on the Tamborine.

Peppi Ronnie: We are Peppi-Ronnie and the Pizza Pals, and we’ll be right pizza!

[music stops and the stage lights turn off] [Carozzi is tryin to pull something out of his jacket]

Beck: Hey! Hey! That’s a bad idea.

Kenan: Yeah, I know, right? They should have Marynara on the keyboards instead of tambourine. Ha-ha. There’s so much synth in that song.

Beck: I’m not talking about the pizza band.

[siren sound]

Sounds like our backup’s here.

Peppi Ronnie: That sound was the birthday siren! [music playing] It’s someone’s birthday!

[singing] I like that pizza, pizza
I like the birthday pie
go happy pizza birthday
birthday girl, birthday guy

Congratulations to–

Recorded voice: Samora.

Peppi Ronnie: Who turnes–

Recorded voice: Nine.

Peppi Ronnie: And is is celebrating with–

Recorded voice: Mom and Gary.

Peppi Ronnie: Cowabunga!

Recorded voice: Lope.

Peppi Ronnie: Here’s a joke just for you. Did you hear about the pizza with no toppings? There was mushroom (much room) for improvement!

Steve: That’s cheesy!

[music stops and the stage lights turn off]

Kenan: You get it? Ha-ha. Mushroom for improvement. Yeah, that’s clever.

Carozzi: Hey, i’m not going back to jail.

Beck: Shut up. I don’t want to shoot you, Carozzi. Now I’m coming over and taking you in.
[music playing and the stage lights turn on]

Peppi Ronnie: [singing] Don’t you want some pizza
don’t you want some pizza

[music stops]

Oh! Who ordered anchovies?

[fog horn]

PIzza!

[music stops and the stage lights turn off]

Kenan: That’s good. Nobody likes anchovies.

Beck: Stop watching the pizza band.

[Beck walks towards Carozzi to handcuff him]

Carozzi: I want a lawyer, okay?

Beck: Well, it’s not gonna help you, Corozzi. Come on, let’s take him in.

Kenan: Yeah, you go ahead. I’m gonna stay behind and wait for forensics.

[The stage lights turn on]

Peppi Ronnie: Hey, who here likes to dance?

[Kenan looks around]

Kenan: I do.

Peppi Ronnie: Then let’s crust a move!

[music playing] [Kenan starts dancing] [singing] I like that pizza, pizza
I like pizza pie
I want a pizza, pizza
Pizza what? Pizza pie

 

Oak Ridge High Auction

Steve… Bobby Moynihan

Michael Akari… Jonah Hill

Shawn… Jay Pharoah

Nate… Pete Davidson

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

Pharooq… Taran Killam

[Starts with Oak Ridge High School student auction]

Aidy: $ninety going once, twice and sold to Mr. Dobson. You win an hour of Spanish tutoring from Honor student, Doug Persel.

Doug: Muchas gracias. [laughing]

Aidy: Now, remember parents, all the proceeds from tonight’s auction goes to the senior carnival. So, get out those wallets. [a band walk on the stage] Now, next step for bid, you may remember this band from the talent show. And I hear they’re quite a hit online. It’s ‘The Emojis’.

Sasheer: What’s up?

Aidy: Now, their music video, “I got a crush on Kevin” has, how many hits on YouTube?

Sasheer: Almost 300,000.

Aidy: Oh, wow! Okay, so, highest bid wins a one hour private gig with ‘The Emojis’. So let’s open up the bidding to 100. Big ones. Come on.

[Cut to the audience]

Steve: I’ll start, $100 right here.

Beck: Not so fast, Steve. $120!

[Cut to Michael Akari. He looks like Sheikh from the middle east.]

Michael Akari: $1 million.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: I’m sorry. Are you a parent?

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: No. I am Michael Akari. I serve King Faidi of Qatar. The king’s teenage daughter princess Sana took a liking to ‘The Emojis’ on YouTube. The King insisted I attend your auction and secure their appearance to light and amuse her.

[Cut to the band]

Cecily: Wait, what?

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: When I win ‘The Emojis’, they will immediately board in Faid’s private jet and spend the next week in the palace. Upon arrival, the teens will be bathed and groomed. The young man will spend the day on the King’s yacht while the young women prepare the evening’s feast in the kitchen.

[Cut to the band]

Cecily: I don’t know how to cook.

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: [yelling] Then you will learn. During your song, “I’ve got a crush on Kevin”, the princess will join the band on stage and sing the lyric, “I’ve got a crush on Kevin, yeah, uh-huh, yeah, uh-huh, and I heard he got a crush on me.”

[Cut to the band]

Kyle: That sounds dope but I can’t go to Qatar, sir. I gotta take SATs on Saturday.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Yeah, I don’t know about my daughter going to the middle east unsupervised.

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: The king promises the young women will return with their virtues intact. And for your troubles, each entertainer’s family will receive $500,000.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Have fun, cupcake.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Well, $1 million, going once, twice, sold to the very generous Mr. Akari.

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: Excellent. To the teens I just purchased, please see outside if you’ll fit in your robes.

[Cut to the band]

Cecily: I don’t want to wear a robe.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: [yelling] Just wear the robe!

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Okay, wow. Well, that’s certainly a first for the Oak Ridge senior auction. Now, let’s bring up our star basketball player Shawn and Nate who also have quite the internet following with their vines. [Shawn and Nate walk up the stage] [Cut to Leslie in the audience]

Leslie: Woo! That’s my baby. Hey, Shawn.

[Cut to Shawn and Nate]

Shawn: What’s up, mom? We do vines where we do trick shots.

Nate: Yeah, it’s ‘Dem Boys do the Dunx’ with an X. One of our vines was big on Buzfeed.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: So, Shawn and Nate are offering a 45 minute private basketball lesson. So, let’s start the bidding at $75.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Okay, 75!

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: The king’s twelve son is a great admirer of Dem Boys do Dunx. I bid $2 million.

[Salah Pharooq walks in. He also looks like a sheikh from the middle east]

Salah Pharooq: $3 million.

Michael Akari: Pharooq. I see you’re still Al Salemi’s errand boy.

Salah Pharooq: Back down, Akari. Dem Boys do Dunx will be mine.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Okay. And who is your new friend?

[Cut to Michael Akari and Salah Pharooq]

Salah Pharooq: How rude of me. Greetings Oak Ridge High. I am Salah Pharooq, here in behalf of sultan Al Salemi of Kuwait. His fourteen year old son Talam is all about Dem Boys do Dunx.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Wow! Okay. Okay, $three million. Going once, twice–

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: $4 million.

[Cut to Shawn and Nate]

Shawn: Mom, what are you doing?

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Relax, baby. I am playing the game.

[Cut to Michael Akari and Salah Pharooq]

Michael Akari: $5 million. I know that sultan’s packets aren’t that deep.

[Cut to Shawn and Nate]

Nate: I don’t think my mom will let me go to the middle east.

[Cut to Michael Akari and Salah Pharooq]

Michael Akari: Then you are weak! But to ease your mind, the king will offer you both one hour in his room with 200 virgins.

[Cut to Shawn and Nate. They’re hugging each other out of happiness.] [Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Alright, $5 million going once, twice and sold to Mr. Akari.

[Cut to Michael Akari and Salah Pharooq]

Salah Pharooq: I am shamed.

[Salah Pharooq runs out] [Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Well, with a $6 million budget, this senior carnival is going to be absolutely insane.

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: Dem Boys do Dunx, we must leave now as we have to stop in LA to pick up the young men who did ‘Damn Daniel’ video. You know those guys? ‘Damn Daniel’? So great.

[The End]

Meet Your Second Wife

Brian… Bobby Moynihan

Steve … Taran Killam

Toby … Kenan Thompson

Tina Fey

Helen Walsh… Amy Poehler

Samantha… Vanessa Bayer

Elane… Aidy Bryant

Diana… Leslie Jones

Alicia… Cecily Strong

[Starts with video shot of Brian smiling at the camera]

Male voice: He’s a professor from Alexandria, Virginia.

[Cut to Steve]

He is a software engineer from Palo Alto, California.

[Cut to Toby]

And he’s a financial analyst in Boston, Massachusetts.

[Cut to Brian, Steve and Toby]

They may not know it yet, but they’re all guests of America’s favorite new show,

[Cut to the show set. There are two ladies hosting and the three contestants.]

Meet Your Second Wife!

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Hello and welcome to Meet Your Second Wife.

Helen: We’re your hosts. I am Helen Walsh.

Tina: And I am Tina Fey

Helen: And this is the only show where happily married men get a chance to meet the person who will one day become their second wife.

Tina: You guys excited?

[Cut to the contestants looking confused] [Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: Great! Let’s meet our first contestant. Bryan from Alexandria.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Wait, I’m sorry, what is this show now?

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: You’ll see. Now, I understand your lovely wife Samantha is in the audience today.

[Cut to Samantha]

Samantha: Yay! Brian.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: She seems great… for now.

Helen: But Brian, let’s meet your second wife.

[Cut to the stage. A young girl walks in.]

Brian, this is Hannah.

[Cut to Brian. He looks shocked and angry.] [Cut to Tina and Helen]

Hannah is currently an 8 grade student at Welington Middle School but one day years in the future, she will be your second wife.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: That’s impossible. I love my wife. She supported me while I’ve been writing my novels. So…

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: But what if I told you in a few years, one of your novels becomes a surprise best seller and even optioned for a movie?

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Um, yeah. The yeah, I get it now.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Do you have any questions for your second wife, Brian?

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Um, sure. Hi, what kind of things are you interested in?

[Cut to the girl]

Girl: Horses.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Horses. Yeah. Horses are cool.

[Cut to Samantha looking confused and worried.] [Cut to Brian]

Okay, well, I guess I’ll see you again in 20 years. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Actually, it’s seven. Next is Steve from Palo Alto.

[Cut to Steve]

Helen: Excited to be here Steve?

Steve: Um, I was before but now I’m not.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: Great! I understand that your wife Elane is here also.

[Cut to Elane]

Elane: I thought this was a home makeover show.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: In a way, it is.

Helen: Okay Steve, lets meet your second wife.

[a small girl enters the set]

This is Stacey.

[Cut to Steve looking very concerned]

Steve: Oh, no!

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: How many years old are you, Stacey?

[Cut to Stacey. She shows her five fingers.] [Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: That is five fingers. I believe she is trying to say she’s five.

Helen: Well, Stacey may still be learning her numbers but one day she will be your second wife.

Tina: What’s gonna happen is, Stacey will apply for an internship at your company…

Helen: Which she will hear about from a college roommate who is also, you guessed, your daughter.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: I mean, that’s kind of nice, right? At least then my daughter and she can stay friends.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Oh yeah. Your daughter is gonna love it.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: No, I’m sorry, this is ridiculous. I am not leaving Elane.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: You’re right. You won’t. Sadly, Elane will pass away in a tragic kayaking accident.

[Cut to Elane]

Elane: What?

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: Sorry Elane, we don’t make the future. We just know it.

Tina: Next up, we’ve got Toby from Boston.

[Cut to Toby]

Helen: And Toby, you’re here tonight with your wife of 20 years, Diana.

Toby: That’s right. Hey baby.

[Cut to Diana looking angry in the audience] [Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Okay. Toby, let’s meet your second wife.

[Cut to Toby]

Toby: [eyes closed and fingers crossed] Don’t be white. Don’t be white. Don’t be white.

[A good looking lady walks in]

Oh, son of a– [looking happy] [Cut to Diana]

Diana: You a dead man, Toby.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Toby, this is Alicia. [Cut to Alicia] She is currently a sophomore at Wreckers.

[Cut to Toby]

Toby: Well, that’s not that bad. I mean, the other ones were younger, right?

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: Slow down. See, Alicia has a serious boyfriend. And she just found out that she is three months’ pregnant with your guess it, your second wife.

Tina: Let’s show Toby the sonogram.

[Cut to a baby’s sonogram picture.]

Helen: Already a beauty.

[Cut to Diana looking fierce] [Cut to Toby]

Toby: Um, quick question. Does the show provide an overnight lodge where I can stay indefinitely?

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: No. But all today’s contestants are going home with a fabolous prize, [looking at the card] oh, a new Kayak.

[Cut to Elane]

Elane: I know I shouldn’t but they’re so fun.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Well, that’s all the time we hav.

Helen: Join us next time on…

[Cut to the stage]

Meet Your Second Wife!

[The End]

Mitchell’s Fake Cocaine

Jeremy… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Steve… Pete Davidson

Venessa Bayer

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Jeremy walking down the stairs to a party] [Cut to Jeremy’s friends]

Kyle: Hey Jeremy, you were in the bathroom a long time. You okay?

Steve: Yeah, did you like, fall in or something?

Jeremy: Ha-ha. Hilarious, Steve, but I wasn’t going to the bathroom. I was actually doing cocaine. [Jeremy shows the white powder on his nose] You see?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Oh, wow! I didn’t know you do cocaine.

[Cut to Jeremy]

Jeremy: I do. In fact, I’ll probably do some more very soon.

[Jeremy winks]

Male voice: Mitchell’s fake cocaine for hiding bowel movements at parties. The #1 excuse for your #2.

[Cut to Kyle, Steve and Venessa]

Kyle: I love cocaine. Can I do some?

[Cut to Jeremy]

Jeremy: I’m out. Yeah, I guess I did all myself, like, complete badass.

[Kenan walks down the stairs]

Kenan: Whoa! Who just used the bathroom, man! It stinks in there.

Steve: Wait a second, I thought you said you did cocaine in the bathroom.

[Cut to Jeremy]

Jeremy: I did you idiot. But then I sprayed this Mitchell’s fake poop spray to cover up that cocaine I did. Don’t you know anything about doing cocaine? [laughing] [Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: So, you carry around fake poop spray?

[Cut to Jeremy]

Jeremy: There are people at this party, you know? You don’t have to just talk to me.

Male voice: Mitchell’s fake poop spray. For when the Mitchell’s fake cocaine is called into question because of your real poop smell.

[Cut to 6 walking down the stairs]

Leslie: Okay, everybody. Quick announcement. The toilet is completely clogged, so nobody go in there.

[Cut to Jeremy]

Jeremy: Oh, no. I gotta use this cocaine now or I’m gonna have an accident.

[Cut to 6]

Leslie: Well, you can use my bedroom.

[Cut to Jeremy]

Jeremy: Okay, that sounds good.

[Jeremy walks up]

Male voice: Mitchell’s fake cocaine for hiding bowel movements at parties. And Mitchell’s fake poop spray. Gives you the confidence to let loose on the dance floor… and in the bathroom.

Leslie: [yelling] Hey! Who took a shit in my bedroom? Who took a shit in my bedroom?

[Cut to Jeremy showing Mitchell’s fake cocaine and Mitchell’s fake poop spray.

[The End]