Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar at left top corner.]
Well guys, a lot has happened since our last show. Some of it was good. The inauguration. That was nice. Christmas. I like Christmas. [picture changes to a news article that has quoted white people rioting at the Capitol building as the terrorists] Hey, now the terrorist watchlist includes white people. So, yay for diversity. It’s important to see yourself represented. And of course it’s been a big week for my favorite store at the State Island mall, GameStop. Because a group of guys on Reddit figured out a way to get rich off GameStop while bankrupting a bunch of hedge funds. If you don’t understand how that works, it’s a lot like, and I’ve been waiting so long to reference this, the 2013 magic themed heist movie “Now You See Me.” It’s about four outsider magicians who use power of illusion to rob banks. And tonight, if we can all rally together to make “Now You See Me” the number one movie on Hulu, that would be as unlikely as GameStop as being number one stock in America.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]
Michael Che: President Biden signed an executive order urging US agencies to buy American made products. Unfortunately, the only products still made in America are tactical gear for white malicious and student loan debt.[Picture changes to a map of West Virginia]
West Virginia has emerged as a leader in the country for distributing the coronavirus vaccine. They were able to get people to come in for vaccinations by simply putting up a sign. [Picture changes to a sign that says “Free meth this way”.] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rand Paul at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Senator Rand Paul who looks like Kevin Spacey playing an elderly woman introduced a motion this week that the second impeachment of Donald Trump was unconstitutional and it’s times like this that I think it’s important that we as a country remember that Rand Paul [picture changes to a news article that says “Rand Paul attacked by neighbor”] got his ass kicked by his neighbor while he was mowing his lawn. Now, as hilarious as that must have been to watch, violence against law makers is wrong and his neighbor went to jail for eight months. So, we should be allowed to punish the president who sent MadMax to overthrow the government. [Picture changes to a guy with face paint, fur coat and horn cap at the Capitol riot.] But if Rand Paul wants the violence, we could have Rand Paul fight Logan Paul. In that way, no matter who loses, America wins.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]
Michael Che: President Biden signed an executive order repealing Trump’s ban on transgender people serving in the military. Fortunately, yes, it’s good news, except Biden is calling a policy “Don’t ask, don’t tuck” which is not good news. Whatever, man.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a collapsed highway at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: I don’t know if you saw this. Yesterday, a large section of California’s famed highway-one collapsed into the ocean and I hate to agree with Marjorie Taylor Greene but, I think it was Jewish space lasers.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of $20 bills at right top corner.]
Michael Che: The treasury department announced that they will resume efforts to replace Andrew Jackson on $20 bill with Harriet Tubman. I’m excited to celebrate those Tubman 20s with a few underground rails. [Picture changes to cocaine line and a rolled $20 bill.]