Kyle Mooney
Ego Nwodim
Aidy Bryant
Trucker… Jake Gyllenhaal
Darlene… Cecily Strong
Picky… Andrew Dismukes
El Chapo… Melissa Villaseñor
[Starts with Kyle ad Ego in Truckstops.]
Kyle: Truckstops have the wildest stuff.
Ego: Yeah, like, the my other car is a gun?
Kyle: And who are the weirdos still buying CDs?
Aidy: Well, truckers that’s who.
Kyle: Oh, very cool.
Aidy: Yeah, this one right here is a collection of hits. My favorite truck driving crooner Johnny Gatlin. Yeah, I’m talking about “Truck you you truckin’ truck”. 42 songs, all about truckin.
Ego: Great. You mind if we just scooped past you?
Aidy: Songs include fender bender in hits like “Truckers life”.
[song]
Trucker: I’m peeing in a bottle and I’m peeing in a thermos
and I’m peeing in a cup and I’m peeing in the bucket
and I’m peeing in a diaper and I’m peeing at the window
The wind blows back in my face.
Aidy: Whoo! Been there, done that. Get your hanky handy for this heart wrenching duet between trucker and truckers’ wife. Featuring Darlene cuisine, don’t go forgettin.
Trucker: Gotta go back down on the road
I’m gonna miss you till I get home.
Darlene: And I’m asking you to remember
You always got to remember
Trucker and Darlene: Don’t go forgettin
Which cup is your drink and which cup is full of piss
Kyle: Are all these songs about peeing?
Aidy: Well, not all. But many of them? Yes. Big part of the lifestyle.
[whooing sound]
Kyle: Okay, what was that?
Aidy: Oh, wow. That would be the dreaded ghost trucker t. little Picky Dickens.
Trucker, Darlene and Picky: Ghost trucker, ghost trucker
No one can see him on the road
ghost trucker
Trucker:When the fog came rolling in,
and his hog came rolling out,
reaching down his pants,
he starts to touch himself
with the same hand he used to eat
Flaming Hot Cheetos
People say his screams to echo to this day
Trucker, Darlene and Picky: Ghost trucker, ghost trucker
No one can see him on the road
ghost trucker
Aidy: Oh! And the old children’s classic “Blow that horn”.
Picky: I see your little boy on an iPad in a minivan next to mine.
Trucker: He singles for me to blow my horn and I happily oblige
Darlene: A smile comes across his face, I’m so happy I can make his day
Trucker: And the car in front of me get startled as hell and they veer off into a ditch
Aidy: Oh, yes. And of course, no collection is complete without the trucker standard, “The hitch hiker”.
Trucker: A hot July day in 2015 down it Juarez, Mexico
I’m trucking along the highway
A hitchhiker on the side of the road
The mustachioed man helps him in the cab
and he’s only five feet tall
Something about him looks so familiar
Then suddenly, I recall
his name’s El Chapo, El Chapo.
Oh god I think I helped El Chapo
He definitely helped El Chapo
El Chapo: I’m El Chapo and this is a certified bump.
Aidy: Truck you you truckin’ truck, available only at loves Truckstops up the I-40.
[Kyle and Ego sneaks out from behind her]
All: Ghost Trucker, ghost trucker
Ghost Trucker, ghost trucker