Tag: Stormy Daniels

President Biden Midterms Address Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Marrianne Williamson… Chloe Fineman

Guy Fieri… Molly Kearney

Takashi 6ix9ine… Marcello Hernández

Stormy Daniels… Cecily Strong

Azealia Banks… Ego Nwodim

Tracy Morgan… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a message]

Male voice: And now, a message from the President of the United States.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: My fellow Americans, it’s Tuesday. Our midterm elections will determine the fate of our democracy and let’s just say, big yikes. What’s going on? I guess the Democrats message just ain’t getting through. Plus I’m over here talking to people who don’t exist. I don’t know much. Who’s there? Well, nobody’s there.

Folks, I’m trying like hell, I promise. I’m on the peloton every morning tilting fate. I passed that big ass infrastructure bill, remember that? $65 billion. A lot of your Redstate types finally got broadband internet so you can share your Paul Pelosi gay erotic fiction at lightspeed. Which by the way, your right wingers sure do love thinking up these gay little scenario. Kind of suss. But look, I get it. I’m no spring chicken. But people at rallies are yelling at Obama calling him high. How do you think that makes me feel? Do yourself a favor. Google “young Joe Biden” and start a bubble bath.

You guys think I’m and boring now? Well, I can do crazy stuff too. [screams out] I’m scared myself. But listen, folks, that’s the problem. We don’t have any stars anymore. Too many Raphael Warnock and not enough Herschel Walker’s. Which is why we’re going to make some last minute changes before Tuesday with the Democrats who are exciting. Got that sizzle. For example, “Hey, California sick Adam Schiff.” Or, “Meet your next Congresswoman. She ran for president back in 2020 and loves a good crystal. It’s Marianne Williamson.”

[Marrianne Williamson walks in] [cheers and applause]

Marrianne Williamson: As a prominent author, her lover for Enchantress, I am ready to fight for the American Dream, which I caught in this Tibetan singing bowl. [hits the singing bowl and walks out]

Joe Biden: Sounds cool. America’s next defense against the dark arts teacher folks. Now unlike Dr. Oz, this next guy’s got political experience. He was a mayor of flavortown for over 20 years, Guy Fieri.

[Guy Fieri walks in] [cheers and applause]

Guy Fieri: Whoo! Listen, man. America’s hungry for change. But Do y’all want Dr. Oz take a full plate of paid family leave dripping in Donkey sauce? Full throttle. Whoo! [walks out]

Joe Biden: Oh my god. Dream job, dream job. Hey Ohio, meet your next senator, Takashi 6ix9ine.

Takashi 6ix9ine: Hey blood. I want no cap on Social Security. No cap. Democrats baby, Tray Way. Tray Way. [walks out]

Joe Biden: What a terrifying young man. Tired of Gretchen Whitmer? Meet your next Governor of Michigan, adult film star Stormy Daniels.

[Stormy Daniels walks in]

Stormy Daniels: Hi TV. I may be a former adult star, currently on season seven of the Surreal Life, but I’m willing to debase myself and enter US politics. I can work with anyone and I’m willing to reach around the aisle to get things done.

Joe Biden: Yeah. I think it’s reach across the aisle.

Stormy Daniels: Yes sir. You do you. [walks out]

Joe Biden: Talented actress. Now introducing someone who’s gonna beat Marco Rubio because she’s not afraid to fight. She’s the next senator from Florida, Azealia Banks.

[Azealia Banks walks in]

Azealia Banks: I’m a rich bitch. [walks out]

Joe Biden: Okay. And finally, people got mad at me about student loan forgiveness. Well he’s in charge of it now. Tracy Morgan.

[Tracy Morgan walks in]

Tracy Morgan: Okay. Y’all want that money? Why don’t you come on over here and rub my belly?

Joe Biden: Thank you, Tracy. And everybody get up here. Get up everybody. There they are, your new Democratic candidates. Alright team, so what do we want?

[everyone shouting out different answers]

Tracy Morgan: I kind of want some sugar free White Castle.

Joe Biden: Well. And when do we want it?

[everyone shouting out different answers]

Tracy Morgan: I mean, in my mind, it’s like whenever you good, baby girl.

Joe Biden: All right. Let’s go, team. We’re gonna be fine. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

What I Did For Trump

Sarah Palin… Tina Fey

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Michael Wolff… Fred Armisen

Stormy Daniels… Cecily Strong

Rex Tillerson… John Goodman

Omarosa Manigault… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Sarah Palin in the White House.]

Sarah Palin: Hello, it’s me. [cheers and applause] It’s me, the ghost of Sarah Palin. No, I’m just kidding. I’m still alive. But you had to think about it, didn’t you? Here is a refresher. I was the first female on a republican presidential ticket and now I get paid to tweet for Bass Pro Shops. Take it from me, politics is a wild ride. One minute you’re on top and then you’re gone in a blink of a Scaramucci. Well, I have a message for all the people in the Trump White House. Enjoy your moment. Who knows how long it will last?

[music playing] [singing] Kiss today goodbye
the sweetness and the sorrow
wish me luck the same to you

[Sarah Huckabee Sanders walks in]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Oh, hi, Sarah.

Sarah Palin: Oh, hey, Sarah.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Well, isn’t it funny that our names are both Sarah, when we’re both classic Beckies?

Sarah Palin: Oh! You’re doing good though. You’ve lasted longer in the White House than most.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Oh, I know. But all my friends are gone. You know. It’s like saved by the bell the new class and I’m screeching, I’m just still there for some reason.

Sarah Palin: Sarah, what if today was the last day you were working for Trump?

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Hmm…

[singing] Kiss White House goodbye
and point me towards FOX News
I did what he said to do
and I might regret what I did for Trump
what I fed for Trump

[Kellyanne Conway floats down from the above]

Kellyanne Conway: [singing] What, I am my regard
and as we travel on
and we’ll always remember, okay?

[Michael Wolff walks in]

Sarah Palin: Aww.

Michael Wolff: Sarah, how are ya?

Sarah Palin: Hey, Michael Wolff. You were everywhere after you wrote that book “Fire & Fury.” Then you kind of disappeared, didn’t ya?

Michael Wolff: Well, I’m gonna be back because I’m writing a book about Jared and Ivanka. Did you know they’er actually the same person? That’s why you never see them together.

Sarah Palin: Is it true?

Michael Wolff: Yeah, sure, whatever.

[singing] I won’t say I lied
all of a sudden we care about facts
but juke was mine to borrow
oh, come on, you love it
I did what I had to do
won’t regret, you’ll forget,
what I did for Trump

Sarah Palin: Miss Stormy Daniels, everybody.

[Two men carry Stormy Daniels by her arms and brings her in]

Stormy Daniels: [singing] Gone, they wish I were gone
as time travels on
I will be remembered

You can check out my ted-talk on sex value politics. Or catch me on my star sprinkled boner to earth this weekend at “Squeeze and Splat Pals.”

[Rex Tillerson walks in] [cheers and applause]

Rex Tillerson: Howdy, y’all?

Sarah Palin: Aw, Rex Tillerson. You were fired months ago. You look great!

Rex Tillerson: Oh, yeah. Being fired by Trump was the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m the only man ever to go into a situation on scaith and come out unscaith. Trump was the biggest mess I’ve ever dealt with and I work for Exxon Mobil.

[singing] Kiss today goodbye
and point me toward tomorrow

Sarah Palin: Point him towards tomorrow

Rex Tillerson: You do what you have to do
don’t forget, I regret
what I did for Trump

Stormy Daniels: What I did with Trump

Sarah Palin: I would work for Trump.

Oh, hi, Omarosa.

[Omarosa Manigault walks in]

Omarosa Manigault: Look, Trump thinks he fired me but I fired myself.

[singing] Kiss my ass goodbye
and point me towards a book deal

All: We did what we had to do
won’t forget, can’t regret
what I did for Trump
what I did for Trump

Sarah Palin: Nothing wrong with doing dancing with the stars. Just don’t do a quick step on the first week. It’s too darn hard.

All: What I did for Trump

Michael Cohen Wiretap Cold Open

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Harold Bornstein… Martin Short

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Host… Heidi Gardner

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Omarosa Manigault… Leslie Jones

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Ivanka Trump… Scarlett Johansson

Jared Kushner… Jimmy Fallon

Stormy Daniels

[Starts with a video message “The following is based on real events.”] [Cut to Michael Cohen walking around a telephone booth. He is wearing a suit. He picks up the phone and dials the number. The phone is connecting.] [Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [answering the phone] Hello, it’s Donald Trump. Who this?

Michael Cohen: It’s Michael Cohen. God, I miss you so much.

Donald Trump: Oh, hey. What’s up, amigo? How you holding up in prison?

Michael Cohen: I’m not in prison.

Donald Trump: Oh, well. Give it a couple of weeks.

Michael Cohen: Mr. Trump, we’re in big trouble. I think they know about our allusion-K and obstruction of justice, J.

Donald Trump: Sorry. I don’t speak Spanish.Wait, are you on a secure line?

Michael Cohen: Absolutely. I dialed *Mike PenceMelania Trump before the numbers. So, it’s completely untraceable.

[Cut to two FBI agents listening to their conversation, shaking their heads.] [Cut back to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Listen, Trump. I don’t know what to do. You keep changing your story on Stormy Daniels payment.

Donald Trump: Look. Let’s get Rudy Giuliani on the phone. He’ll fix this. He’s got the sharpest legal mind since my cousin Vinny.

Michael Cohen: Um, okay. But, just to be safe let me call you back with one of my burner phones.

Donald Trump: Wait, you kept the burner phones? That’s not good.

[Cut to Michael Cohen. He hangs up the phone, and dials the number on his burner phone.] [Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Harold Bornstein.]

Harold Bornstein: [Harold Bornstein answering the phone] Yes, hello. This is Dr. Harold Bornstein. Would you like to know any of my patient’s medical history?

Michael Cohen: Dammit! I tried to dial Trump Donald but I dialed Trump doctor.

Harold Bornstein: Is this you, Michael Cohen? Michael, I’m glad you called. Someone broke into my office and stole my file. I guess you could say I was [yelling] raped!

Michael Cohen: I don’t think you could say that.

Harold Bornstein: Well, I already did. [yelling] Raped!

Michael Cohen: Alright. Can we talk about this later?

Harold Bornstein: No. I’m busy later. [giggling] No, I’m kidding. I have zero commitment personally and professionally. But if you ever want to do drugs, I can get you all the drugs.

[Cut to two FBI agents listening to their conversation, shaking their heads.] [Cut to Michael Cohen and Harold Bornstein]

Michael Cohen: Alright. I’ll call you back, Harold. Goodbye.

Harold Bornstein: Okay. I’ll just be sitting here in my office where I live. [yelling] Bye!

[Cut to Michael Cohen. He hangs up the phone and dials another number.] [Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: [answering the phone] Hello.

Michael Cohen: Rudy? Is that you?

Rudy Giuliani: Yes. That’s right. It’s me, Rudy. Rudy Giuliani. Trump’s lawyer and his worst nightmare.

Michael Cohen: Rudy, can we speak freely? Are you alone?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani in the set of an interview at FOX News. The host is sitting right next to him.]

Rudy Giuliani: Yeah. Yeah. I’m pretty much alone. [to Sarah Huckabee Sanders] This is a commercial break, right toots?

Host: No.

Rudy Giuliani: Okay. Yeah, we’re, good to talk. Good to talk.

Michael Cohen: Alright. Let in loop in Mr. Trump. [Rudy Giuliani presses buttons] Alright, is everyone on?

[Cut to split screen between Michael Cohen, Rudy Giuliani, Donald Trump and the FBI agents.]

Donald Trump: Yes.

Rudy Giuliani: Yes.

[The FBI Agents are nodding their heads yes.]

Michael Cohen: Guys, can we please just decide on one lie and stick to it? Coz our stories are all over the place.

Donald Trump: Guys, hold that thought. I’m getting a call from work. [Donald Trump presses a button.] [Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Sarah Huckabee Sanders]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Mr. President, I have lost all credibility. Did you lie to me about the Stormy Daniels affair?

Donald Trump: Yeah. That sounds like something I would do.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Okay, good. Just as long as we’re on the same page. I’m good to go. See you on Monday.

[Donald Trump presses a button.] [Cut to split screen between Michael Cohen, Rudy Giuliani, Donald Trump and the FBI agents.]

Donald Trump: Okay, I’m back.

Rudy Giuliani: Guys, guys, can we hurry this up? I’m supposed to do 25 more talk show appearances today and I’m trying to make it like an advert calendar where I reveal one new crime in each show.

[phone ringing]

Michael Cohen: Oh, I’m getting another call. Hang on.

[Michael Cohen answers the phone] [Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Melania Trump]

Melania Trump: Hello, Michael. It’s Melania.

Michael Cohen: Oh, hey, Melania. I was just talking to Donald about–

Melania Trump: Yeah, yeah. Listen, I have completely hypothetical question for a friend of mine, okay? If your husband is accused of crime, would she have to testify against him?

Michael Cohen: No.

Melania Trump: But could she? If she wants to?

Michael Cohen: I guess she could.

Melania Trump: Oh, my friend will be so happy. Thank you Michael.

[Michael Cohen hangs up the phone. He is looking at all the phones and is confused.]

Michael Cohen: Wait, which phone was Mr. Trump on? [looks at one phone and speaks on it] Hello?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Omarosa Manigault]

Omarosa Manigault: Yeah. This is Omarosa an I’m still pissed off.

Michael Cohen: No!

[Michael Cohen hangs up the phone and speaks on another.]

Hello?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Hi there, stranger. What’s your name?

Michael Cohen: Mike Pence?

Mike Pence: Who is this? I was told this was a party line with no questions asked?

Michael Cohen: Ah! I gotta call you back.

[Michael Cohen hangs up the phone and speaks on another.]

Hello?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen, Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner. Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner are standing together. Ivanka is on the phone.]

Ivanka Trump: Yes, this is Ivanka and Jared. [cheers and applause]

Jared Kushner: [squeaky voice] Hi, hi. Hello.

Ivanka Trump: Michael, did we hear Giuliani called Jared disposable on national television? Coz, Jared is furious.

Jared Kushner: [yelling] Yeah, man! Like, what the hell? I’m so mad right now. You didn’t even want to see me. I mean, I could cut a bitch! Don’t ever try to cover me. [making noise]

Michael Cohen: Listen. Ivanka, you know your dad would do anything to protect you. But if he needs to, he’d throw Jared under the bus in a heartbeat.

Jared Kushner: What did he say?

Ivanka Trump: He said you’re fine.

Michael Cohen: Alright. I’ll talk to you later.

[Michael Cohen hangs up the phone and speaks on another.]

Mr. Trump?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Where the hell were you Michael? I don’t have time to wait on hold. I was supposed to be meeting with my new chief strategist, Kanye West.

Michael Cohen: What do you want me to do?

Donald Trump: Call up Stormy Daniels and fix this once and for all. Maybe keep me on the phone too. I’ll just be quiet and listen.

[Michael Cohen presses buttons] [Cut to Stormy Daniels answering the phone]

Stormy Daniels: Hello.

[Cut to split screen with Stormy Daniels, Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Michael Cohen: Stormy, this is Michael Cohen. Are you alone?

Stormy Daniels: Yes.

Donald Trump: And what are you wearing?

Stormy Daniels: Excuse me?

[Michael Cohen is pissed off that Donald Trump spoke]

Donald Trump: Okay, Michael. I can take it from here.

Michael Cohen: Okay. But as your attorney, I highly advice against you–

[Donald Trump cuts Michael Cohen from the line] [Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels.]

Donald Trump: So, wad up, girl?

Stormy Daniels: Hello, Donald.

Donald Trump: Come on, Stormy. Stop making such a big deal about this. Everyone knows it’s just an act.

Stormy Daniels: I work in adult films. We’re really not known for our acting.

Donald Trump: Just tell me what do you need for this to all go away?

Stormy Daniels: A resignation.

Donald Trump: Yeah, right. Being president is like doing porn. Once you do it, it’s hard to do anything else. Besides, my poll numbers are finally up. And speaking of polls being up–

Stormy Daniels: Donald?

Donald Trump: Oh, come on. We’ll always have shark week. I solved North and South Korea. But can I solve us?

Stormy Daniels: Sorry, Donald. It’s too late for that. I know you don’t believe in climate change but a storm’s coming, baby.

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: I’ve never been so scared and so horny at the same time.

Stormy Daniels and Donald Trump: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update Stormy Daniels

Colin Jost

Stormy Daniels… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Yesterday, In Touch Weekly released a 5,000 word interview with pornstar Stormy Daniels about an affair she allegedly had with Donald Trump in 2006. Here to comment is Stormy Daniels.

[Stormy Daniels slides in] [cheers and applause]

Stormy Daniels: Hi, Colin.

Colin Jost: Yeah, hi, Stormy. How are you?

Stormy Daniels: I’m way fine. Whatever.

Colin Jost: That’s great. Now, you’re a kind of unlikely ally for critics of Donald Trump now.

Stormy Daniels: I know. It’s crazy, right? I’m all over Huffington Pollison daily beast. I’m like a liberal hero. Even though I’m a republican pornstar who loves Sarah Palin. Right? Things are so bad right now, they are so many women just desperately trying to figure out how to be empowered by me. And the best they can say is that I’m a female director.

Colin Jost: Wow. So, you also direct porn?

Stormy Daniels: Yeah, Colin. Coz unlike your industry, we actually have female directors. Imagine that? Now, I get it that I’m not what these people in vision their hero would look like, but guess what, America? I’m the hero you deserve right now.

Colin Jost: What does that mean?

Stormy Daniels: Well, okay, okay. Take for instance the still Dacia, right? Alright. When the information about Russia was important enough that somebody wound up dead, but all anybody wanted to talk about was the Russian hookers. That’s why you get me. You get a Stormy. Alright? And when I was hanging out late at night with Donald Trump and Ben Roethlisberger, and the one I trusted to get me home safe was Ben Roethlisberger. And then you guys went and made the other guy president? You get a Stormy. And ladies, when it’s the one year anniversary of the women’s march and y’all are arguing about, who gets to say “me too” and who doesn’t? Well, you get a Stormy. And my hashtag isn’t #TimesUp. It’s #AssUp.

Colin Jost: Okay. Alright. Okay. Alright. So, you’re here to teach people a lesson then?

Stormy Daniels: No, no, no, no. I just, I am the lesson. I just wanted to be on Celebrity Apprentice. But that’s not gonna happen. And I am making my peace with that, okay? And America, you need to accept your reality too. You all wish you were still living in 1920s Paris with Barack Obama. But guess what, honey, you’re in 1990s Orlando with Trumpy and Stormy. And that’s what you get. [pointing at audience] You get a Stormy. And you get a Stormy. Oh, I’m like Oprah.

Colin Jost: Yeah, okay.

Stormy Daniels: Should I run for president?

Colin Jost: No. No, no. Stormy Daniels, everyone.

Stormy Daniels: I would win. Of course, I would win.