Ryan Gosling’s Magazine Cover Story

Ryan Gosling

Laura Sumner… Cecily Strong

Jerry… Bobby Moynihan

Trevor… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a Ryan and Laura in a bar in Cornwall, Ontario]

Ryan: So, yea, this is the bar where I had my first legal beer. But, I may have slipped a couple before that. You know what I mean? [whispering] You can write that down.

Laura: [laughing] Okay. Your hometown is perfect for the stories. Readers are gonna love to know what it was like growing up Gosling.

Ryan: Well, you know, I’m an open book.

[Jerry comes in]

Jerry: Hey, glad you’re back Ryan. The Notebook is like, one of my favorite movies. Don’t tell my buddies though.

Ryan: Really?

Jerry: Yeah, seriously. Don’t tell them.

Ryan: Okay.

Jerry: Anyway, look, um, these are from the guy at the end of the bar over there.

[Cut to Trevor. He is waving at Ryan.] [Cut to everybody]

Ryan: Oh, god!

Laura: What’s wrong?

Ryan: Oh, it’s this guy Trevor I went to school with.

Trevor: Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. If it isn’t the little bitch I used to beat up in high school. Cryan Ryan Gosling. And who do we have here?

Ryan: [clears throat] Trevor, this is Laura Sumner.

Laura: Pleasure. I am writing an article on Ryan for GQ.

Trevor: Oh, Mr. Hotshot here is gonna be a little cover clown boy. Anyway, you’re not nervous about Tammy typewriter discovering some old secrets, are you?

Laura: Oh, I love secrets.

Ryan: Come on, Trevor. Now now.

Trevor: What’s the matter? Embarrassed Mr. Melody can’t quite hit the high notes anymore.

Laura: Did you sing growing up? Is it?

Ryan: Yeah, little bit. I don’t know. Yeah. I– just, please don’t do this Trevor.

Trevor: Oh, come on. I’m sure pretty pencil here would love to see you put on a little show for us. Hey, Jerry, why don’t you put on C-14.

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: You got this, Ryan!

Ryan: I really don’t wanna do this.

[music playing] [Cut to Ryan, Laura and Trevor]

Ryan: [singing] No, no, no, no way

No, no, no, no way

I’m living without you

[Cut to Trevor. He shuts the music off.]

Trevor: Boring!

[Trevor walks to Ryan and Laura]

When we don’t we put ourselves to sleep, we’d watch your movies. But let’s face it. We only watch the trailers.

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: Hey, you’re making us proud, Ryan.

[Cut to Laura]

Laura: Very impressive voice.

[Cut to Ryan, Laura and Trevor]

Trevor: Oh, you like being impressed, huh? Well, crying Ryan here wasn’t just a sally song stress. He also used to dance around like a Tari-tu-tu.

[Cut to Ryan]

Ryan: He’s trying to say that I used to dance when I was a kid. I was a child dancer.

[Cut to Laura]

Laura: Oh, you know what? This is great stuff.

[Cut to Ryan, Laura and Trevor]

Trevor: You know what else would be great? If Ryan put on a special residal for our little Nancy newspaper.

Laura: Oh! GQ is a magazine.

Trevor: And maybe the whole bar would like to see that too.

Ryan: You know what? Fine! Alright? Hey, Jerry, can you throw on B-26?

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: Yeah, B-26, of course.

[music playing] [Cut to Ryan. He starts to dance. Two other girls start dancing with him.] [cheers and applause] [Trevor walks in laughing]

Trevor: Did everybody see that? A dancing boy? What’s next? You’re gonna put on a skirt and make us a breakfast? Right?

[Everybody is ignoring Trevor] [Cut to Laura and Jerry]

Laura: My god, Ryan, you were amazing.

[Cut to Ryan and Trevor]

Ryan: Okay, you know, I think we should just go. It was nice running into each other.

[Ryan and Laura are walking]

Trevor: Leaving so soon? I thought we get to see all our friend. Scrony Iony.

Laura: Did you use to be skinny?

Ryan: I guess. I was smaller, yeah.

[Cut to Trevor]

Trevor: This guy was a toothpick. Still is, if you asked me. I bet he wish he could look like this. [Opens his shirt] [audience laughing] [Cut to Laura, Ryan and Trevor. Ryan is laughing from the inside.]

Ryan: What are you doing?

Trevor: We’re taking off our shirts to compare our bodies.

[cheers and applause]

Ryan: I really do not want to do this, okay?

[Cut to Trevor]

Trevor: You’re not better than me. I can dance. [Trevor starts dancing horribly.] [Cut to Laura, Ryan and Trevor.]

I can sing too. [Trevor starts singing horribly] [Trevor starts crying]

Ryan: It’s okay, man. It’s okay to cry. That takes guts.

Trevor: I just miss your around here, Ryan.

Laura: I think I got my cover story.

[Cut to GQ magazine front page with Ryan and Trevor’s picture. The title says, ‘Ryan Gosling has lame friends’.] [The End]

A Conway Marriage Story

Therapist… Scarlett Johansson

George Conway… Beck Bennett

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

News host… Alex Moffat

[Starts with a therapist talking to a couple] Therapist: Alright, so I’m familiar with some of the differences of opinion that you’ve had publicly. I want to know what you love about each other. So, why don’t you two read your list. George, would you like to start?

[Cut to the couple]

George Conway: Okay.

Kellyanne Conway: Go ahead, babe.

George Conway: What I love about Kellyanne. [Cut to the couple laughing in a restaurant] She works so hard for her boss even though I hate his guts.

[Cut to Kellyanne reporting news]

Kellyanne Conway: I actually have been to the porter and the democrats are actually lying. The children are not drinking from toilets. [Cut to the news host in his news set] Because they actually did not—

News host: Kellyanne, we are out of time.

[Cut to Kellyanne]

Kellyanne Conway: They can use the corner.

News host: Let’s cut her mic? I don’t know.

Kellyanne Conway: Thank you.

[Cut to George reading newspaper]

What I love about George, he always leaves his coffee mugs around. [His coffee mugs are all anti-Trump] He actually always tells me what he thinks about me to my face.

[Cut to George and Kellyanne having dinner]

George? [George is using his phone] George. Are you mad at me?

George Conway: Oh, no, no, no.

[Kellyanne’s phone beeps. Kellyanne checks, George has tweeted ‘Anyone who works for Trump is a demon.’]

Kellyanne Conway: George? Am I demon?

George Conway: Oh, from what? I can’t tell. I don’t even—I can’t see in here. It’s kind of dark and loud. I think I’m going through a tunnel.

Kellyanne Conway: George Conway. Do not subtweet me at the dinner table, please.

[Cut to Kellyanne treaming George’s hair.]

George Conway: We find ways to spend time together.

Kellyanne Conway: I love our little pet names.

[Cut to George and Kellyanne crossing paths in the hallway]

Kellyanne Conway: Hey loser!

George Conway: Hey wall!

We find ways to keep in touch during the workday.

[George is tweeting ‘Trump is a psychopath’] [Cut to Kellyanne replying that tweet with ‘Hi Hon. We’re out of milk.’]

Kellyanne Conway: I love how my boss called him a stone-cold loser [Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet saying ‘George Conway…a stone cold LOSER & husband from hell!’] and husband from hell. I’m sorry, that’s something that George—

George Conway: I love when she does poems on TV.

[Cut to George reading]

Kellyanne Conway: I love that he loves to read the DSM to find out whats wrong my boss.

George Conway: Narcissist, there it is.

[Cut to George and Kellyanne taking selfie in the street[

I love that when Ann Coulter set us up, she thought, “These two are perfect for each other.”

Kellyanne Conway: I love that we agree on the big stuff like small government and no food for the poor.

[George and Kellyanne sees a homeless man]

Both: Get a job.

George Conway: And I know I’m not supposed to but I even love our fights.

[Cut to George and Kellyanne fighting]

George Conway: I feel bad for you.

Kellyanne Conway: You are the one who introduced us, George.

George Conway: I didn’t know he’d be president.

Kellyanne Conway: You’re not even verified on twitter. Where is your blue check, George?

George Conway: Ah!

Kellyanne Conway: Jesus!

News: Jerrold Nadler has just announced articles of impeachment.

[George and Kellyanne are clearing the table to make out] [Cut to George, Kellyanne and the therapist]

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, so do you have what you need for your piece?

Therapist: Piece? Oh, I’m not a reporter. I’m a therapist.

George Conway: Oh, this isn’t for a book?

Therapist: Oh, no. What you say doesn’t leave this room?

Kellyanne Conway: Then why are we doing this? We’re going to go. We have to fight on “The View”.

George Conway: Hon, I got to be done by five for dinner with a Kathy Griffin.

Kellyanne Conway: Don’t get me all hot. Save it for the show!

[Ends]