Santa… Jason Bateman
Elves… Chloe Fineman, Kyle Mooney, Beck Bennett
Stu… Pete Davidson
Dido… Kate McKinnon
Elton John… Bowen Yang[Starts with elves reading letters from children to Santa]
Elf: But the thing i want more than anything in the whole world is a new bike. Love, chase.
Santa: Ho ho ho! What a good boy! Let’s give him that bike and a helmet!
Elf: Good thinking, Santa!
Elf: Oh, and here’s one from Emily. “Dear Santa, this year I want a Disney princess mirror!”
Shanta: That’s exactly what she’ll get, huh? Who’s next? Rupert?
Santa: Rupert, what is it?
Elf: It’s just, heh, mine’s a little weird.
Santa: I’m sure it’s not that weird. just read it!
Elf: Um, okay. But it starts normal enough. Dear Santa…[Cut to underground where 1 is writing a letter. It’s a copy of music video of “Stan” bye Eminem ft. Dido.] [“Stan” instrumental playing]
Stu: [rapping] Dear Santa, I can’t believe the year is almost over
It’s getting colder, I’m a year older, but I’m still your soldier
You’re my hero because you always bring me the assist
So once again we’re back to zero, here we go, my Christmas list
I won’t be greedy or needy or ask you for too much
Just want one thing, and I hope you still got that magic touch
’cause gettin’ this present is the only thing keeping me alive
Dear Santa Claus, please bring me a PS5
I tried to buy one at Walmart, ran around the mall like Paul Blart
Tried to buy one on sale, but the thing was, they’re all out
Yo, I even went to a game stop, but then I went “Oh, wait, stop!
Santa Claus can make one, he’s got his own workshop.”
I know you prob’ly hear this every day, but you got a cool hat
I love that movie you did with Will Ferrell, man, elf was phat
Anyways, I love the things you do
Don’t forget, bring me gift, truly i believe in you
This is Stu
Dear Santa, I notice you never wrote me a letter back
That’s fine, dawg, but really, I think that’s kinda wack
If you can’t help your biggest fan, then you should just retire
Or next time you slide down my chimney, I’ll set your ass on fire
Just playin’, I still love you, don’t think that I’m obsessed
I even got a tattoo of your name across my chest
Just bring that PS5, bro, if it’s the only thing you do
Sincerely, Stu. p.s. we should live together. cue dido
Dido: [singing] Stu is waiting for his surprise
To open up a PS5
He just really wants to play
Assassin’s creed on Christmas day
But he can’t buy it himself because he lost his job
He was stealing from his boss
I’d be worried ’cause he’s a scary guy
A scary guy
Stu: Dear mister holly jolly two-faced son of a bitch
I hope you crash your sleigh and wind up face-down in a ditch
I guess even the great saint Nick can’t track down a PS5
Hey Santa, I drank a fifth of eggnog, dare me to drive
You ruined Christmas, I wish I never told you what was on my wishlist
Screw you, your elves, your stupid beard, and your bitch tits
So this’ll be my last letter, i know you’ll miss me when I’m gone
Sincerely yours, Stu. ladies and gentlemen, sir Elton John
Elton John: [singing]This year Christmas will be bad
’cause Santa sucks and Stu is sad
Already asked you really nicely
And now he’s really pissed off
I’m just telling you ’cause I like you a lot
I’m a big fan of Santa
And I also want a PS5
Elf: Santa, this is serious!
Elf: Don’t panic, don’t panic!
Elf: I’m freaking out! Aaaah!
Santa: All right, all right! I think it’s time I write a letter back to Stu.[rapping] Dear Stu, I think you got the wrong address, bro.
I’m not Santa Claus. Bye Bye!”
Elf: Damn![Cut to a TV screen It shows Eminem reading a letter from Santa]
Eminem: What’s this? “To shady, from Santa.” That’s crazy, a PS5? I didn’t even ask for this. Shady must have been a good boy this year. Sorry, Stu. You f—– up