The Californians- Replacing Rosa

Kate McKinnon

Devin… Bill Hader

Stuart… Fred Armisen

Kenan Thompson

Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Pete Davidson

Male voice: Next on “The Californians.”

[Cut to Kate walking inside a house]

Kate: [talking on the phone] No. I’m at the property. I recognized it right away from the Bouganvia from the Cascading over the security gate. But no one’s here.

Devin: I am. [Kate is shocked] Sorry to startle you.

Kate: that’s okay. I love these beautiful beach wood floor.

Devin: Rosa cleaned them with California Meyer lemons. I miss Rosa. Look how smart she was. [Devin shows a picture of Rosa]

Kate: Oh. So what happened to Rosa anyway? Why would she give up this primo made gig?

Devin: Well, if you wanna know the truth.

Kate: Um-hmm. Tell me.

[Stuart comes in]

Stuart: Devin! What are you doing here and what were you about to say?

Devin: You weren’t here, Stuart. So, I had to show your new maid around.

Kate: I’m not a maid. I’m an estate manager from Marina, LA.

Stuart: Sorry, I’m late. Traffic run LAX was insane because Trump is in town. I drove my convertible Corvette up Sepulveda, took it to Sentinela, turned down on La Brea, took it all the way straight.

Devin: Well, you would have been on time if you had took culvar to the one, then turned right on sunset. That’s what it says to do on Google Maps.

Stuart: Devin, I use Ways.

Devin: That’s why you ended up in Englewood, bro. Ways isn’t always right, Stuart.

Stuart: Yes, it is, Devin! I love Ways.

Devin: Google Maps gives you traffic updates, Stuart.

Kate: Wait. I’m sorry. So, why did Rosa decide to leave?

Stuart: I can’t think about that right now. I have my Athleisure wear launch.

Devin: Rosa was deported.

[Everybody is dramatic making faces] [They all walk to the mirror and look at themselves] [Cut to “The Californians” intro]

Male voice: “The Californians.”

[Cut to four people hanging out]

Stuart: Thank you all for coming to my launch party.

Kenan: To Stuart’s new Athleisure wear.

Alex: Cheers to West Coast fit. I’m ready to invest.

Cecily: And Stuart, I’m so excited to be your company model. I can’t wait to wear your Athleisure on my Sunrise [gibberish] beach.

Stuart: Sumner, you’ve got the perfect look for that West Coast fit.

Kenan: Stuart, this party is a hit. Nothing could ruin it, man.

[Devin walks in]

Devin: Oh, yeah? What if I told everybody your wife left for a marine biologist in Fresno?

Stuart: You don’t know what you’re talking about, Devin. You’re drunk on that California sparkling rosé.

Devin: I’m not drunk to know that she got in her Prius hybrid and drove straight up the five towards 99 North then took exit onethirtyone.

Cecily: Exit onethirtyone? That’s the aquarium in Fresno.

Devin: She did it to get away from you, Stuart.

[emotional music playing in background]

Stuart: I just want to run away up the one-ten. On the shoulder.

[Pete walks in. He has long hair and is wearing brown leather jacket.]

Pete: I have something to say.

Devin: Who are you?

Pete: I’m Rosa’s long lost son. She told me my father would be here. His name is Devin?

Devin: [making dramatic face] What?

Pete: What is with that accent? Where are you guys from?

Stuart: We’re from California.

Pete: Well, I’m from Encino and I’ve never heard anything like that before.

[Again, everybody is making dramatic faces] [They all walk to the mirror and look at themselves] [Cut to “The Californians” outro]