Tag: Study

Weekend Update Pot Sleep Study and Oreo Wine

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s picture of marijuana leaves at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study finds the regular use of marijuana may disrupt people’s sleep. “That’s adorable”, said cocaine.

[Picture changes to Sylvester Stallone]

It was reported that Sylvester Stallone will start a new TV series playing an Italian mob boss from Kansas City, in what is a absolute nightmare scenario for the closed captioning guy.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Man stares at sun for an hour” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A man in India has set a new record by staring directly at the Sun for an hour without blinking. The record is for best drugs.

[Picture changes to Galane Maxwell and a woman.]

A woman testifying in the sex trafficking trial of Galane Maxwell said that Maxwell told her that Jeffrey Epstein needed to have sex about three times a day and if not, he’d killed himself.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s picture of NBC logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It’s good. But do you get it? NBC said that it would not air the qualifying trials for the Olympic curling team because of an ad on the ice for a Dutch sex toy. Oh, so that’s what that thing is.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of caduceus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new report shows that female doctors over the course of their careers make $2 million less than men. That’s just not right. Female doctors?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a cat at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study finds that if cats were humans, their behavior would classify them as psychopaths. While if dogs were human, they would get “me too’d” on day one.

[Picture changes to a wine and an Oreo] Barefoot Wine has teamed up with Oreos to create a line of bread wine with hints of chocolate, while I have teamed up with alcoholism to give it a try.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of London street at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new report lists the city with the worst traffic in the world as London, England. Here’s an idea. Maybe stop driving on the wrong side of the road? I’m just saying.

[Picture changes to KFC logo]

Kentucky Fried Chicken is testing a new dipping sauce called sweet hot capital city mumbo sauce. Coincidentally, sweet hot capital city Mambo sauce is also what Jost calls rap music once.

Colin Jost: No! Once!

Study Buddy

Krissy… Carey Mulligan

Josh.. Kate McKinnon

Jason… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Krissy and Josh are at Krissy’s room.]

Krissy: Thanks for working on that project with me, Josh. I think our diorama of the Bush family is really good.

Josh: Me too. Well, my mother won’t be here for another three quarters of an hour. I could wait by the door or clean something.

Krissy: No, stay. Let’s just talk. Here.

Josh: At your request. Alright.

[Krissy and Josh sit on a couch.]

Krissy: Well, Josh, I just wanted to say it’s been cool having so many classes with you.

Josh: Wow. Krissy, honestly, I could say the same.

Krissy: I love that your childless aunt brought you to the Galapagos. You showed you pictures to the class for an hour.

Josh: Well, your tortoise questions were very astute.

Krissy: Anyway, I just wanted to say I’m glad we’re hanging out.

Josh: Hanging out, you said?

Krissy: Yes. [puts her hand on Josh’s thighs] Hanging out.

Josh: Would you excuse me for a moment, Krissy? Because I am getting a phone call from doctor. [on the phone] Hi, is my best friend Jason there? Yes, I’ll hold.

Jason: Hello, Jason speaking.

Josh: Jason, you are not going to believe what’s going down. I am laying next to the hottest girl I have ever seen.

Jason: My good man.

Josh: I won’t say her name in case she can hear me, but I will give you a clue. She is Beyonce of our science class.

Jason: Roger that. Paint the picture.

Josh: Okay. So, we are currently in her bedroom on a papasan for two. And simply put, I’m afraid. What do I do?

Jason: Okay. Well, I’m glad you called me because I did have a girlfriend at a graphic design camp. So, tell me, what’s your body language?

Josh: Okay. I am sort of curled in a fetal position away from her on the phone.

Jason: Okay, what is she doing?

Josh: She’s looking at me.

Jason: Wow, my friend. We’re in a bit of a pickle. Okay, we need some wow factor. Why don’t you whisper a secret? Sensually into her ear?

Josh: Very good. [Josh calls Krissy to get close and whispers to her ear.] One species of jellyfish is immortal.

Krissy: Wow. That’s so cool. Thanks for telling me.

Josh: [back to phone] Okay, somehow that went well.

Jason: Cheers. Next things next. Do you have something that you could offer her? Perhaps as a gift?

Josh: Okay. One moment. [goes through his pockets] I have a hundred napkins. My inhaler. Okay, I actually do have a pair of rhinestone earrings I was going to give to the chorus teacher.

Jason: Oh! Ah-ha! I say, move the hair and see if the ear has the hole.

Josh: Okay. [moves her hair and looks for hole] Two. We’ve got a firecracker on hour hands.

Krissy: Everything okay with your doctor?

Josh: Yes, please hold. [on the phone] Jason, what’s next?

Jason: Okay, what is she doing?

Josh: Now she is looking at her gecko. Should I tell her plant life in the tank is not ideal?

Jason: Do you feel the gecko is in danger?

Josh: Not in danger but–

Jason: Well, then leave it well enough alone, my friend. There will be time for that down the road.

Josh: Good. Back to romance then I suppose.

Jason: Okay. Well, we want to keep her in the driver’s seat. Let your hand hover slightly over her. If she likes it, she ought to lift her hand to your’s.

Josh: Interesting. [Josh puts his hand raised over Krissy’s hand. Krissy holds his hand.] [on the phone] I have contact. She’s holding my hand.

Jason: Who is?

Josh: The girl.

Jason: Okay, so I’m out of my depth.

Josh: Jason. Jason. I need you to dig deep, please.

Jason: Okay. The time is right. Put your nose near her face and breathe.

[Josh moves close to Krissy and leans towards Krissy. Krissy looks at him and leans towards him too.]

Josh: It’s happening. Jason, she’s becoming in love with me. I can see it in her eyes.

Jason: Congratulations, old chap. Couldn’t have happened to a better man.

Josh: Jason, my life is changing. I must admit, I am afraid of losing you, Jason.

Jason: Neigh, my good man. We will always have each other.

Krissy: Can we kiss now?

Josh: Yes, we can. Jason, I will see you on the other side. [throws away the phone]

Jason: I dough doth cap!