Barb… Kate McKinnon
Michael Che
[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: This week Mattel introduced more realistic body types for Barbie. But here’s one that didn’t make the cut, Sturdy Barbie.
[Barb slides in]
Barb: [talking with accent] Come on. Come on. I’m a grown woman. Call me Sturdy Barb. How the hell are you, Mike?
Michael Che: I’m good, Barb. How are you feeling?
Barb: You know, I am disappointed. I mean these new gals, they’re nice and all but they’re not exactly a revolution. I mean, look at them.
[Cut to Barb. There’s a picture of Tall barbie at right top corner.]
This one’s tall and dundy.
[Picture changes to Petite barbie]
This one’s short and dundy. And only thing curvy on this girl is [Picture changes to Curvy barbie] her booty. Me on the other hand, I’m a little more new. I don’t know. Maybe people aren’t ready for that.
[Cut to Barb and Michael Che]
Michael Che: How are people not ready?
Barb: You know, I went through rounds of testing and kids were saying like, [Cut to Barb] “Her feet can only fit in crocs.” “Is that a faded tattoo or a boxed removal?” You know, and the biggest complaint, “Most of her breast is nipple.” But other than that, I’m just like the other gals. I got the whole line. I got a dream house. I got a dream car. And yeah, it is a ranch style home in an unpopular school district. And yeah, it is an old Mitsubishi Galant but I own them both at right, fully paid off. And thank you so much. And no, I’m not playing astronaut. I’m not playing veterinarian. I am for real, clock and sixty hours a week behind the Los Vegas desk at Balmore International Airport. And this year I got dental and vision. The only thing I don’t have is, you know, can that tuck me in at night.
[Cut to Barb and Michael Che]
Michael Che: No, but I’m sure you’ll find somebody.
Barb: Oh, I got somebody. [Cut to Barb] I am deep into a thing with an incarcerated vice principal named Alan who was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
[Cut to Barb and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Yeah. I’m sure he was. So, Barb, do you think Mattel will ever choose you as a new barbie?
Barb: You know, my gut says I was on shortlist. [Cut to Barb] Maybe next go round, I’ll lose some accessories, the sleep apnea machine, binder fold coupons, outdoor cat with heart problems, and sure, I may not be Malibu Barbie, but I am Trying My Best barbie. I’m Been Through A Lot barbie. I’m a barbie that will help you move a couch. I am Sturdy Barbie and I am gonna get on the shelf.
[Cut to Barb and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Sturdy Barbie, everybody.
Barb: My breast is almost whole nipple, though.