Tag: Summer

Weekend Update Trend Forecasters on Summer Trends

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, it’s almost summer and as the weather changes, so do styles and trends. Here to comment on what’s in for summer or to trend forecasters.

[Trend forecasters slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Aidy: Yes, here we go now.

Michael Che: Thanks for coming back. I can see you’re ready for warm weather.

Aidy: Yes. We had a meeting this morning with the Sun.

Bowen: We typed what it told us into our big throbbing computer. Here is the report.

[music playing]

Aidy: Our first category is summer fruit trends.

Bowen: In, grapes with seeds.

Aidy: In, tying cherry stem with tongue to impress for sex.

Bowen: In, watermelon sugar song. And out…

Aidy and Bowen: Navel orange.

Bowen: Navel orange? Eww! Why do you have a belly button? You’re a fruit!

Aidy: What’s next? Honey  doos with C section scar?

Aidy and Bowen: Navel orange, go to bed, bitch.

Michael Che: Why do you guys always have to yell?

Aidy: Because if we whisper, no one listens. Our next category is greeting trends in. In, hey.

Bowen: In, Catherine?

Aidy: In, come on in guys. Welcome to Hooters.

Bowen: And out…

Aidy and Bowen: This is your captain speaking.

Bowen: Huh? No! You’re flying a plane, not hosting a podcast.

Aidy: You’re a pilot. Captains are for boats, you sky bitch!

Bowen: By the way, your girl workers are giving me vodka back here. We’re having an amazing time without you.

Aidy and Bowen: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Go to bed, bitch.

Michael Che: Are you both okay? Are you okay?

[Aidy screams]

Aidy: Oh, no. We’re terrified. Because the next category is here.

Aidy and Bowen: Time trends.

Aidy: In 3:25 PM.

Bowen: In, about 10 to 15 minutes.

Aidy: In, midnight when you turn to pumpkin.

Bowen: And out…

Aidy and Bowen: When the kitchen is closed.

Bowen: Well, the kitchen’s closed? Well, how interesting. I can see people moving around back there.

Aidy: All I want is a complicated dish that’s not on the menu and I’m allergic to everything.

Bowen: The kitchen’s closed?

Aidy and Bowen: Go to bed, bitch.

Michael Che: Yeah. I love when you guys come but I never understand anything you are saying.

Aidy: Well, good. Than just enjoy the view, Mr. Che.

Bowen: And pay attention to future trends.

Aidy: In, 10 nice years.

Bowen: In, a friend I couldn’t have done this without.

Aidy: And wow, look who’s back. In.

Bowen: It’s navel orange, we love your girl.

Aidy: Congratulations, naval orange.

[clapping]

Michael Che: Wait. So, what’s gonna be out in the future?

Aidy: Well Michael, the computer has ousted three trends.

Bowen: And you know they have to be a victor to hell.

Aidy: Out, is pretty little bouquet…

Bowen: Expensive tiara…

Aidy and Bowen: And Michael che.

[Michael Che is holding a pretty little bouquet and wearing a tiara]

Michael Che: [screaming] No!

Aidy: But, I’m just hearing. Something new is in. In, my best guys kissing me.

Bowen: Well, then we must.

[Michael Che and Bowen kiss Aidy on her cheeks]

Michael Che: Trend forecasters, everybody.

Aidy: We love you.

Weekend Update Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Romantic Summer Getaways

Colin Jost

The guy… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well with COVID restrictions relaxing, many Americans are planning to travel abroad this summer. Here with his tips for romantic international getaways is a guy who just bought a boat.

[The guy slides in]

[cheers and applause]

The guy: Bonjour Co-Jo. Molto bellissima. Guess who’s got two tickets to bump and thighs Yes.

Colin Jost: All right, man. I’m already regretting this, but let’s hear some of your travel tips.

The guy: You gotta Co-JJ. Now let’s talk best plays to get the best lays on vacays, okay? Take your new girl to the old world. The South of France is perfect for mouth in pants. And if a nude beach is an appealing feat, head down to the French riviera to see knees cans. Soon she’ll want you to be like Napoleon and bone her parts. I have a small penis. But don’t just stay in France amigos, as many women have told me you’ve actually got to move around down there. So hop a train. Euro rail is your ticket to Euro tail. So many choice stops, maybe try Berlin to rail her in. And before you know it, you’ll be exploring her black forest and she’ll be moaning in your ear “This is the worst thing to ever happen in Germany.”

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Come on, man.

The guy: Oh yeah. Come on, I shall. Now if you don’t want to be an Algo Americano, you got to blend in with the low calls Jost. So grab a guidebook and remember, Rick Steves leads to slick bebes. And there’s nothing scarier than a language barrier, a little Duolingo and you’ll be doing Lingus. [foreign language] Mi jamon es muy pequeñito.

Colin Jost: Your ham is tiny?

The guy: Si, abuelita. Speaking of small servings, head to Barcelona and sample the local tap ass or bounce over to the Amalfi, Jost. We’re talking Italy, okay? And to get your bologna into some pussa-tano, don’t forget about her Naples, if you want her to gobble goo.

Colin Jost: Hh my god.

The guy: We made it.

Colin Jost: Some people are like, visibly sick. Why would any woman want to be with you?

The guy: Well, I have to admit Co-Jo, I have driven many lady to the Isle of Lesbos.

Colin Jost: Oh, man.

The guy: In my boat Colin.

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah. Guy had just bought a boat everyone.

[cheers and applause]

Summer Gig

Treece… Kenan Thompson

Cassie… Natasha Lyonne

Brad…  Kyle Mooney

Helen… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a band playing on a stage]

Treece: [singing] And so I pulled up my pants,
and I said, I see you at work.

Thank you very much. Thank you, Kingston residents inn. Once again, we are the Treece Henderson Trio. So glad that you joined our big kickoff to Summer Celebration. We got a hot show to get back to but before we do, my allergies are exploding. Can I ask if anyone has a little bit of Nasonex in their purse? Just a little squirt of Nasonex. Maybe the tiniest pump of Nasonex. It would really get me through this experience. I’ll put a condom on the nasal insert, so can it doesn’t get infected. Can I get that squirt? Am I speaking clearly? I have asked for Nasonex at least TreeceTreece times. Nasonex. Now,

Cassie: Nobody has it Treece.

Treece: Okay, fine.

[music playing]

[singing]Tweedledee rolled
Tweedledee bun,
soon we’ll eat hamburgers
in the summer sun

[Cassie playing harmonica really good]

Alright. Let’s meet the band. On keyboards it’s Brad Dates. And his last name is Dates, but he hasn’t had one in six years.

Brad: I’ve been married for 10, Treece. [playing keyboard]

Treece: Hey, this is just show pattern. I don’t know. Also here tonight. It’s Helen.

Helen: I’m Helen. I don’t play an instrument. I’m just here to dance.

Treece: Well, we love how it helps out the band. And finally on harmonica is my roommate and landlord, Cassie Marie.

Cassie: Watch me blow this [playing harmonica]

Brad: Yes. Cassie, yes.

Treece: Yes, that was fire, Cassie Marie. I thought you’d be phoning it in tonight considering the state I found you in this morning.

Cassie: Oh no. That’s between us, Treece. I told you everything’s fine.

Treece: Well, you were crying pretty hard in the car.

Cassie: Okay, Treece, I don’t want to talk about that here. My tears are my business.

Brad: Yeah, boundaries Treece.

Treece: But I care about her emotional state.

Cassie: Treece, zip it.

Treece: Okay fine!

[singing] summer tea this
vacation yes
put on a thong
and spread all of your summer sex

Cassie: Nice! [playing harmonica]

Treece: Alright, how is everybody doing tonight? How about you lovely couple?

Bowen: Oh, we’re not a couple. I’m gay and she’s my psychic.

Helen: Whoa.

Chloe: Yes. And the spirit world is telling me that your harmonica player is hiding something from you.

Treece: I knew it. Spill the beans Cassie Marie.

Cassie: Oh, there’s nothing to spill. And there’s no such thing as psychics.

Chloe: It’s someone with an R name.

Cassie: What?

Treece: What? So there is an R in your life. Is it R. Kelly? Steer clear.

Cassie: It is not R. Kelly?

Treece: Well, that’s good news.

[singing] Tweedledee hot
no days in school
I want to make friends
with somebody who has a pool

Chloe: Treece, I’m so sorry to interrupt, but Cassie is about to receive a Nest Cam alert.

Treece: Oh my goodness. Pull out your phone.

Cassie: Treece, you’re killing the vibe.

Treece: Just do it. [notification] It’s your Nest Cam. There’s someone in your front yard. She was right again.

Cassie: You twp, get out of here with your dental business.

Bowen: Oh no. I paid $4 for both of these seats. We’re not going anywhere honey.

Treece: Who is that in your yard? He’s wearing a t-shirt that says Ronald.

Brad: That’s an R name.

Cassie: Yes. It’s my ex, Ronald.

Treece: Well, that explains the T. Wait, what’s he doing now?

Cassie: He’s in a closet bedroom. Yes.

Treece: What? But that’s my closet bedroom. That’s where I put my fashion wear.

Cassie: He must think they’re mine. He’s going to burn them to get me back for dumping him.

Treece: Oh no, he has my Bottega Veneta fanny pack. You can’t burn that. That’s my Bottega Veneta.

Helen: But it’s a knock off, jeez.

Treece: Oh, you shut up.

Cassie: Treece, it’s just clothes.

Treece: You’re just clothes. and your ex boyfriend is about to Angela Bassett my Bottega Veneta and set it on fire and then just walk away and snap. Now you call them and tell them to stop.

Cassie: Okay, just for you Treece. [calling] Hello Ronald. What did you say to me? No, you’re garbage. I don’t care, burn every piece of clothing in that room if you want.

Treece: No! That was not the plan.

Cassie: I’m sorry Treece, I’ll buy you all new stuff tomorrow.

Treece: You can’t. You’re poorer than me. My Bottega Veneta!

[singing] Tweedledee hot
y’all full of bugs
I’m cutting you off from
all of my summer hugs

Cassie: No!

Treece: Yes!

Weekend Update- Bailey Gismert on Summer Movies

Michael Che

Bailey Gismert… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che in his set.]

Michael Che: Well, it’s May, which means it’s time for Summer Blockbusters. Here to talk about the movie she’s most looking forward to is teen movie critic and star of her own YouTube channel “Bailey At The Movies”, please welcome Bailey Gismert.

[Bailey Gismert slides in. She looks very shy.]

[cheers and applause]

Bailey Gismert: What’s up?

Michael Che: So, I saw in our channel, you got a preview of a lot of summer movies.

Bailey Gismert: [blushing] So, you watched me? Okay, awkward. Sorry. I mean, yeah. So, I get to see movies early coz I guess movie people think I’m like, an influencer or whatever. I don’t know. I can’t say it.

Michael Che: Well, you know, I’m really excited for the new Jurassic Park movie. What did you think of that one?

Bailey Gismert: Um, I guess I thought the new Jurassic Park was fake. Okay, so, all of a sudden dinosaurs are like, back? That would never happen. Like, Jurassic Park, I see you. You’re fake.

Michael Che: Well, it’s science fiction, Bailey.

Bailey Gismert: Okay. So, I guess I’ll just shut up.

Michael Che: No, no. Bailey. Come on, let’s talk about another movie you saw.

Bailey Gismert: Okay, well, I saw “Avengers Infinity War” and it was fake too. But, I mean, it was also like, pretty tight. Like, for being super fake it was like, pretty real.

Michael Che: Okay. Well, who was your favorite avengers character?

Bailey Gismert: I guess, Thanos was pretty cool.

Michael Che: Really? You mean, like the bad guy?

Bailey Gismert: Or he’s just like, different.

Michael Che: Wait, do you like Thanos?

Bailey Gismert: [blushing] Stop. Stop. Why? Do you know him? [Michael Che smiles] Don’t! Do not text him. Don’t! Don’t Michael, don’t. I’m serious. Don’t text him.

Michael Che: I’m not going to text Thanos.

Bailey Gismert: Okay, good. Because I don’t like Thanos. Like, he’s cool. He’s strong. He’s got that. I don’t care. I just like, I like superheroes coz I’m in the guy stuff. Coz I have brothers. So, I’m sorry I don’t like salads. I like burgers and wings. And I don’t like dolphins. I like sharks. Okay? That’s me. And if you like– If you text Thanos, it’s gonna be like, so bad.

Michael Che: I didn’t mean to get you worked up.

Bailey Gismert: [cracking voice] I’m not… [slowly covers her tears with her hair.] … not worked up. I just have like, so much on my plate. And I’m not trying to say that you guys don’t work hard. Coz I know on Saturdays, you do. But I can’t just check out. [sobbing] I have my finals and field day. And I’m dog sitting for my pastor. I think they didn’t pick my prom theme which was “Moulon Rouge” but it is not too sexual, it’s French.

Michael Che: Well, look, Bailey, you did a great job and I hope you have a great summer.

Bailey Gismert: Okay, Michael Che [speaks in French language]. Oh, my god. Okay. So, if you’re obsessed with me like he is, [pointing at Michael Che] like and subscribe below.

Michael Che: Bailey, this isn’t YouTube. This is live TV.

Bailey Gismert: Like the playoff? Yeah, I watch sports.

Michael Che: Bailey Gismert, everybody.

Bailey Gismert: Different heroes can be women. It doesn’t make sense.

Amy Schumer Mother Knows Best

Paul… Pete Davidson

Shelby McAllister… Amy Schumer

Summer… Cecily Strong

Jackie… Aidy Bryant

Mason… Chris Redd

Shanile… Leslie Jones

Christopher… Mikey Day

Abissaleth… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with “Game Show Network” intro.]

Female voice: You’re watching “Game Show Network.”

[Cut to game stage. The contestants are waiting for the host.]

Male voice: It’s “Mother Knows Best” where moms and their teams team up to win cash. Here’s your hostess with the mostest, Shelby McAllister.

[Shelby walks in]

Shelby: Thank you. Thank you and welcome to “Mother Knows Best.” I’m your host, Shelby. I’m a YouTube sketch comedian and a serious genuine singer. Okay, to find out what our teams are playing for today, let’s check in with our announcer cutie pie Paul.

Paul: Hmm. Please don’t call me that. Just ‘Paul’ please. Our teams are playing for a grand prize of $10,000. And again, just Paul.

Shelby: Hmm, thank you cutie pie Paul. Okay, let’s meet today’s teams. From Fountain Valley, California, 17 year old Summer and her mom Jackie.

Summer: My mom can be really strict.

Jackie: Oh, and if we don’t win today, she’s grounded.

Shelby: From Tempe, Arizona, it’s 16 year old Mace and his mom Shanile.

Mason: My mom says raising kids is full time job.

Shanile: And today, I plan on getting that $10,000 raise.

Shelby: And from Fortress-of-the-Lamb, Pennsylvania, a close community of friends, it’s 17 year old John Christopher and his mom Abissaleth.

Christopher: My mom is my best friend.

Abissaleth: My son is my life. [Christopher and Abissaleth hug closely] He is of me.

Shelby: Awesome! Awesome! Before the show, we asked our teams questions about their moms. If their moms’ answers match up, they get 50 points. First question. Teams, what’s something you do that drives your mom crazy?

Summer: Oh, ma’am, this is easy. My mom hates when I chew my hair.

Jackie: Oh, yeap. I said “Chewing her darn hair.” [showing board with the same thing written.]

[right answer bell]

Shelby: Correct. 50 points on the board. Christopher, what’s something you do that annoys your mom?

[Christopher and Abissaleth are holing hands]

Christopher: [giggling] Sometimes in the morning, I wake up before she does and I get up out of our bed. And when she wakes up, she won’t know I’m there.

Shelby: Did you say our bed? Mom, show us your answer.

Abissaleth: I said, [showing her written board] “Leaving our bed early and making mommy worry.”

[right answer bell]

Shelby: Yes, you did. Correct. You got 50 points.

[Christopher and Abissaleth hug very closely and tightly again]

Abissaleth: [singing]

[Christopher and Abissaleth kiss on lips softly.]

Shelby: Cool. Cool. Okay. On to Mason and his mom. Mason, what drives your mom nuts?

[Mason and Shanile are still shocked]

Mason: [pointing at Christopher and Abissaleth] Um, they’re still going. [Christopher and Abissaleth are still kissing]

Shelby: Okay. Alright.

Abissaleth: We won the points.

Shelby: Okay, we’re done with that. We’re done with that. So, no more of that. Okay. Mason, what drives your mom crazy?

Mason: Um, when I play my music real loud. She hates that.

Shanile: What? I said “When you wear one of those dumb hats.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Shelby: Oh, yikes! No points. Okay, after one round, we got Summer and Jackie with 50 points, Mason and Shanile with 0, and John Christopher and Abissaleth with 50 points.

[Christopher is brushing Abissaleth’s hair.]

Close game so far, huh, cutie pie Paul?

Paul: Please, just call me Paul.

Shelby: We’ll see. Second question, and we’ll start with John Christopher. What’s your mom’s biggest fear?

Christopher: Oh, that’s easy. That I’ll meet a woman and get married one day.

Abissaleth: Yes, I put [shows her written card] “That a woman whose menarche has come will ensnare him, leaving me to perish in my loneliness and filth, alone, alone, alooooone. Also, lyme disease.”

Shelby: I really don’t want to give that answer points, but that’s 50 points.

[right answer bell]

[Abissaleth starts singing and then Christopher and Abissaleth kiss again.]

Shelby: Okay. Okay. Okay. And my producers are asking that you limit your songs to no songs. Alright, Summer, what’s your mom’s biggest fear?

Summer: Oh, um, probably spiders.

Jackie: Oh, shoot. I said [showing her written card] I said that “My husband and I will get into one of our loud fights in front of her friends.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Shelby: Oh, oh! No points. I hear you though. My mom and dad would fight all the time. My dad was not afraid of a drink. Let’s go to Mason and Shanile.

Shanile: Ah, we forfeit. We can’t beat these two. [pointing at Christopher and Abissaleth] They kissing on the lip. Look at them. Look.

[Christopher is sitting on Abissaleth’s lap. Abissaleth is caressing his thighs.]

Shelby: Yeah. Yeah. No one’s gonna beat them. I don’t think they’ve ever slept in separate rooms. Okay, we’ve got to take a quick break before round two.

Christopher: Well, will I have time for restroom?

Abissaleth: And will I have time to help him in there? Coz he can’t aim.

Shelby: Oh, my god! We’ll be right back.

Weekend Update Willie About Summer

Willie… Kenan Thompson

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Next week is memorial day weekend, which means summer is right around the corner. And I for one is not excited about it but here to cheer me up is the most optimistic guy I know, my neighbor willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Hey, Michael. Ay, happy summer time everybody. Boy, I can’t wait to just sit outside and stare directly to that hot summer son. [Cut to Willie] Or take a ride in the back of a pickup truck, sack over my head, wrist tied together, pee running down my legs, pee dripping down my chin.

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: What the hell are you describing, man?

Willie: Summer time, Michael.

Michael Che: No, you’re not.

Willie: Makes me feel like a kid again. Boy I get so excited whenever I saw the ice-cream truck, or the candy van.

Michael Che: What’s the candy van?

Willie: Oh…. nice try, Michael! [Cut to Willie] But everybody knows you’re not supposed to tell what happens in the candy van. What you trying to do? Get me spanked and tickled by old man cut in half?

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Jesus, Willie.

Willie: What about all the outdoor concerts, Michael? [cut to Willie] You know, I remember one summer my daddy took me to see little Richard. He said, “Son, that’s the architect of rock and roll. It’s the devil’s music and I’m gonna kill him.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: That sounds horrible, man.

Willie: You know, back in those days, we weren’t allowed to go to the city pool. But we made due. [Cut to Willie] Sometimes the local firemen would come down and open the hydrant. Then they detach a hose and sprayed the hell out of us.

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: These are terrible memories, Willie.

Willie: But all lives matter, Michael.

Michael Che: What?

Willie: Don’t you love summer baseball, Michael? [Cut to Willie] Every summer, my whole family would go down to AYBS field to watch the Brooklyn Dodges and throw rocks at the opposing team. But it’s like my grandma always used to say, “Stop aiming at Jackie Robinson, Willie!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Willie, this is not cheering me up.

Willie: You know who really loved summer time?

Michael Che: No.

Willie: My old dog Lucias

Michael Che: Okay.

[Cut to Willie]

Willie: Oh, he used to love to go for a drive. I could leave him for the car for hours. Windows rolled up. His tongue all out-banded. Nose just dry as a bone. It’s like they always say, “Get out of the candy van, your dog is cooking, Willie!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Willie, everybody.

Willie: Happy summer, everyone.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update,I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Have a great summer. Goodnight.

[The End]