Alex Moffat
Aidy Bryant
Felicity Jones
Vanessa Bayer
Cecily Strong
Melissa Villaseñor
Susan B. Anthony… Kate McKinnon
[Starts with Alex giving a tour to a house]Alex: And that’s the end of the official tour. Thank you guys so much for coming. Feel free to stick around and poke around as long as you want.
Aidy: Gosh, I can’t believe we just toured Susan B. Anthony’s real house. I mean, this was so cool.
Felicity: I know. She did so much for women’s rights. I wish we could thank her.
Vanessa: Well, girls. Maybe we can.
Aidy: What do you mean?
Vanessa: I heard a secret that if a group of women holds hands in her living room and says her name three times, she’ll appear.
Cecily: No way. That’s an urban legend.
Vanessa: Only one way to find out.
All: [chanting] Susan B., Susan B., Susan B. [laughing] [Susan B. Anthony appears into the smoke]
Susan B. Anthony: Hello! I am Susan B. Anthony, America’s most famous suffragette.
Aidy: Oh my god! It worked!
Melissa : Susan, I can’t believe it’s you.
Felicity: We just wanna thank you. It’s kind of a hard time for women right now but you give us hope.
Susan B. Anthony: It is always a hard time for women my dear. The important thing is to never give up. I paved the way for you. And now you must pave the way for women 100 years from now. You are the future, my dears.
Aidy: Wow! That is so true. Thank you, Susan. Thank you for everything.
[Everyone hugs Susan B. Anthony]Susan B. Anthony: Well, well, thank you.
[Everyone prepares to leave.]Cecily: Should I call cab?
Vanessa: Oh, yeah. I think the last train to the city is in like 20 minutes.
Aidy: Oh, but maybe get two cabs coz there’s five of us, right?
Cecily: No, I don’t want to pay for two cabs. Let’s just squeeze.
Aidy: Okay, well I don’t think cabs let you squeeze.
Felicity: Um, no, I had one guy where I hid on the floor and he didn’t say anything.
Vanessa: Yeah, I think it just depends on the driver.
Susan B. Anthony: [interrupting] And another thing, girls. A woman can only be in chains if she allows herself to be in chains.
Cecily: Ah, yeah.
Aidy: Totally.
Vanessa: Okay, but wait. So one of us is just going to lay on the floor of the cab? Like, no.
Aidy: Yeah. I mean, we all have jobs. Let’s just pay for two cabs.
Cecily: Okay, I’ll pay for it. You guys just Venmo me.
Felicity: I don’t have Venmo.
Vanessa: Katie, get Venmo, it’s great.
Susan B. Anthony: [interrupting] Also, girls, don’t forget, idea is the most dangerous weapon a woman can have.
Cecily: What was that Susan?
Susan B. Anthony: I said, an idea is the most dangerous weapon a woman can have.
All: Yeah. For sure.
[Cecily talking on the phone]Cecily: Hi, yes. We need two cabs please, for now. Right at the Susan B. Anthony’s house.
Susan B. Anthony: [walking very close to Cecily] What’s that?
Cecily: It’s the cab company, Susan. We’re going to the Rochester train station.
Susan B. Anthony: No, but what is that in your ear?
Cecily: It’s a phone, Susan. Okay? Yeah, two cabs. As soon as possible, please.
Susan B. Anthony: What’s a phone?
Cecily: Susan!
Susan B. Anthony: What?
Cecily: No, I’m sorry. You know, thank you so much for getting us the right to vote. We just have to do this quickly okay? [on the phone] I’m sorry. Susan B. Anthony is being like, such a pain in the ass.
[Cecily runs out]Aidy: Okay, so wait. Are we going to have time to get food before we go?
Felicity: I don’t think so. but there’s going to be food on the train.
Aidy: Oh, no. That food is disgusting. It’s just like hard wet sandwiches.
Susan B. Anthony: Um, girls, did you see my little desk? [pointing at her desk] This is where I wrote my diary about the women’s movement.
Vanessa: Yes, Susan, we saw it. It’s so cool.
Felicity: I can’t believe you sat right there.
Girls: Wow!
Felicity: Can we just like go through McDonalds?
Vanessa: No. If we miss this train, we’ll all have to take a cab all the way back to the city.
Susan B. Anthony: And girls, this is my little stove. [showing her stove] Did you see this stove? Back then I would heat it with a very hot stone.
Melissa : Yeah, we heard that on the tour.
Aidy: Yeah, so cool, Susan.
Girls: So cool.
Aidy: Well, you know what? Couldn’t Dustin just come get us?
Vanessa: Dustin works. I’m not going to have him come all the way up to Rochester because you two want burgers.
Susan B. Anthony: Did you see my little shoes? [showing her shoes]
Vanessa: Yes, bitch. We saw your crap! Oh god! Oh my god! I’m so sorry, Susan B. Anthony.
Aidy: Yeah, sorry. That was rude.
Felicity: We’re really, really sorry.
Susan B. Anthony: That’s alright. I fought so that women like you could speak your minds. I’m proud of you.
Vanessa: Thank you, Susan. We have to go. But it was such an honor to meet you.
Girls: Bye!
Susan B. Anthony: Just remember, girls, a woman is just as good as a man.
Aidy: Oh, yes. Thank you.
Susan B. Anthony: Also, abortion is murder.
Aidy: What?