Bern Your Enthusiasm

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Jane Sanders… Vanessa Bayer

Jeff… Bobby Moynihan

Suzan… Cecily

[Starts with public crows at Bernie Sander’s rally. Benie Sanders and Jane Sanders and walking together.]

Jane Sanders: Sweetie, I can’t believe how many people are here.

Benie Sanders: It’s  revolution, Jane. Millions of people. If we have a good turn out, we can win Iowa.

Leslie: Oh my god! Mr. Bernie Sanders. I’m your biggest fan. [coughs on her right palm] And I’m telling you, I’m feeling your Bern! [gives her right hand to shake] [Benie Sanders doesn’t shake his hand]

Benie Sanders: Ah! That’s okay.

Leslie: Well, what do you mean? Shake my hand.

Benie Sanders: You coughed into your hand, then shake it after a cough.

Leslie: No I didn’t. Just shake my hand.

Benie Sanders: No, no. You specifically coughed in your hand. I saw it.

Leslie: No I didn’t.

Kenan: Come on, Mr. Sanders. Don’t be rude. Shake my wife’s hand.

Benie Sanders: Sir, I am not being rude. She’s the one who is being rude by offering a germ infested hand at me.

Leslie: A germ infested hand? Is that right? I am a voter. That’s that I am. Germ infested person?

Benie Sanders: I am running for president. I do not shake disgusting hands.

Leslie: Oh, I’m disgusting now? Really? Don’t walk away from me, Bernie Sanders!

[Cut to Bernie Sanders in his office]

Kyle: Mr. Sanders, can I get you a coffee?

Benie Sanders: A coffee. Yeah, you know what? I’ll have a coffee with whole milk.

Kyle: Sorry, I think we only have 2%.

Benie Sanders: 2%? No, no. If I’m gonna have milk, I’ll have milk. Thank you very much.

Jeff: Bernie! What’s this I hear about you not shaking your constituent’s hands. You can’t do that.

Benie Sanders: No, you don’t understand Jeff. She gave me a cough and shake.

Jeff: Sure it wasn’t a cough and a wipe and a shake?

Benie Sanders: No, no. There was no wipe. Definitely no wipe. She didn’t have the decency to give me a wife.

Suzan: You are such an asshole Bernie. You know what? This is why nobody likes you, because you’re an asshole.

Benie Sanders: Oh, I’m an asshole?

Suzan: Yeah! You are. You are.

Benie Sanders: People love me, okay? I have more individual donations than any candidate in history and I don’t take from millionaires and billionaires. The average is just–

Suzan: $27, yeah, we know. Coz you say it every time you’re on TV.

Benie Sanders: Okay, we’ll keep it low, low.

Suzan: Everybody knows!

Benie Sanders: Oh, shut up, Suzan. Okay?

[Jay walks in]

Jay: Bernie F-ing Sanders! Ha-ha-ha. Listen man. I’ll tell you something. I heard you didn’t want to shake a black woman’s hand.

Benie Sanders: What? Don’t! Don’t say ‘black woman’, okay? There’s nothing to do with black. She gave me a cough and shake.

Jay: Listen, you need the black vote, Bernie. You need to shake as many black women’s hands as you can. I don’t care if the hand’s got dookie on it. You shake that hand. You might get a dookie in your hand, but you know what else you get? A damn vote.

Benie Sanders: Okay, that was fascinating. I’m gonna go get some coffee.

Suzan: You can’t go out there.

Benie Sanders: Why? I’m a person like everybody else. I’m a normal human being.

Suzan: You’re not normal.

Benie Sanders: Normal human being. Oh, shut up Suzie! How about that?

Suzan: You shut up.

[Cut to Benie Sanders walking at the snowy street.] [As Benie Sanders is walking to get a coffee, there’s a car hitting sound.] [Cut to Aidy in the broken car.]

Aidy: Help. Somebody, please!

Benie Sanders: My god! What happened?

Aidy: I- I don’t know. Are you Bernie Sanders? I was just on my way to vote for you.

Benie Sanders: Oh, how– what can I do? How can I help?

Aidy: Well, I think I dislocated my shoulder. So can you just pop it back in?

Benie Sanders: Pop it back in? Are you nuts?

Aidy: No. It’s easy. Just pop it back in.

Benie Sanders: Oh, I cannot. Go to a hospital. I don’t pop– I’m not a popper.

Aidy: Well, come on! The poll’s closing in an hour. If you want my vote just pop it back in.

Benie Sanders: I don’t want it that bad. I never popped in my life. I’m from Brooklyn. We don’t pop in Brooklyn. I’m sorry.

Aidy: Come on!

Benie Sanders: I have no popping experience. I’m sorry.

Aidy: Bernie!

Benie Sanders: I’m sorry.

[Benie Sanders walks away]

Aidy: F-you! Bernie!

[Cut to Bernie walking back into his office. Everyone is looking at the poll.]

Benie Sanders: Excuse me. Excuse me. How are we doing?

Jeff: I’m so glad you could make it, Bernie. The polls are closed.

Jane Sanders: Where is your coffee?

Benie Sanders: I had an incident–

Suzan: The hell you talking about incident. Just drink the coffee here.

Benie Sanders: I don’t want to drink the coffee. 2%. What’s 2%? I’m not drinking–

Suzan: What are you? Some weirdo psychopath? What’s wrong with 2%?

Taran: Alright, start the presses. Headlines in. They feel the Bern. Huge voter turnout. Huge, massive!

Benie Sanders: Turnout? This is wonderful. Did you hear? Huge! Huge turnout. You know what that means? That means we win.

Suzan: Hey you [bleep] four eyes. Look at the TV dumb [bleep]. You didn’t win. You lost.

Jeff: You lost by like, .2%. Come on!

Benie Sanders: .2%? What? How many people is that?

Taran: It’s like, five people.

Jane Sanders: How could we lose by five people?

Suzan: What did you do? You did something.

[Benie Sanders looks at the TV. He sees Aidy, Leslie and Kenan waving at the TV wearing Hillary shirt.]

Kyle: Sir, are you sure I can’t bring you that coffee? We still only have 2%.

Benie Sanders: I’ll take the 2%.

[The End]