Kathy… Kate McKinnon
Suzanna… Aidy Bryant
[Starts with Kathy and Suzanna speaking in Bartenson’s grocery store’s ad.]
Kathy: Hi, everyone. We’re Kathy and Suzanna-Anne-Helen from Bartenson’s Grocery Store.
Suzanna: As you know, staples like chicken, milk and bread have been flying off the shelves.
Kathy: That’s why we wanted to alert you to some items that despite the pandemic, we still have an absolute abundance .
Suzanna: Items like, Frozon Hawaiian pizza.
Kathy: A little bag of dry hard beans.
Suzanna: Margarine.
Kathy: Cauliflower pasta.
Suzanna: Mint Pringles.
Kathy: Wine from Missouri.
Suzanna: Chex mix. Opps! All pretzels.
Kathy: Impossible Lobster
Suzanna: Flouride bananas.
Kathy: And of course Dasani water.
Suzanna: What’s wrong with it? It’s water.
Kathy: I don’t know. I like it.
Suzanna: Well, we may be out of certain things like, eggs and soap. Some items are extremely in stock.
Kathy: We can’t get rid of them.
Suzanna: Like oat milk pizza.
Kathy: Boy scout cookies. They’re wet.
Suzanna: Pepsi crab.
Kathy: Tomoo. It’s tofu made from beef and cheese.
Suzanna: Mario Batali pasta sauce that we’ve rebranded as fat Italian ponytail pasta sauce.
Kathy: And of course, reduced sodium Dasani water. Now with 30% less salt. We also offer grocery delivery. And our website makes substitution a snap. You asked for pasta sauce. Do you want salsa? You asked for toilet paper. Do you want a DVD of Van Helsing?
Suzanna: We’ve also got kids. So, you can get creative at home. Like, make your own barbecue kit, a 400 pound commercial hog, some barbecue sauce and a knife.
Kathy: And of course, to clean up, Dasani Clorox wipes. Kills 4000% germs.
Suzanna: At Bartenson’s, there are some things we can always guarantee. Dedication, customer service and availability of certain items that we will never not have. Like, Ukrainian Yogurt.
Kathy: Pepto Bismol Oreo.
Suzanna: Peeps soup.
Kathy: And Dasani water, now vegetarian.
Suzanna: So, consider adding these new favorites to your shopping list.
Kathy: We want to give you what you want. But first, we need you to buy what we have.
Suzanna: From your friends at Bartenson’s grocery store.