Barbara Dedrew … Kate McKinnon
Tabbytha … Melissa McCarthy
[Starts with Whiskers R We commercial]
Tabbytha and Barbara: Cats.
Barbara: A cat is a ticket to fun.
Tabbytha: A cat is a dream come true with fur.
Barbara: A cat is an animal in your house that you’re okay with.
Tabbytha: Cats are you best friend best side of having a cat.
Barbara: So come on down for our valentine’s day cat giveaway.
Barbara and Tabbytha: Here at Whiskers R We.
Barbara: Hi, I am Barbara Dedrew.
Tabbytha: And I am Tybertha but I changed it to Tabbytha. Because of cats!
Barbara: You’re freaking nuts.
Tabbytha: Many of these rescue cats come from owners who didn’t value their specialness.
Barbara: So let’s take a look at today’s free lineup.
Tabbytha: Okay.
Barbara: Shall we? This is Riley. [pulls out a cat] She’s a millennial. She uses the twitter rocks . [laughing]
Tabbytha: But I think she’s a troll coz she fills it with crap. I said it, I don’t care.
Barbara: You’re a cornball.
Tabbytha: No, I’m a horn-ball.
Barbara: Cool it. We’re on camera. [pulls out another cat] Toby is a hairless cat. But he wasn’t born that way.
Tabbytha: I covered him with nair and ripped it all his hair. And now he’s got a bone to pick with me.
Barbara: He’ll thank you come swimsuit season.
Tabbytha: Oh! [pulls out another cat] Look who we have here. This is William.
Barbara: You should know. William hasn’t been nurtured yet so he still wears condom.
Tabbytha: He always leaves little wrappers everywhere like, we get it!.
Barbara: [pulls out another cat] This is sprinkles.
Tabbytha: Sprinkles has a sad history. He was involved in medical experimentation.
Barbara: He would put lipstick in rabbit’s eyes until they scream.
Tabbytha: Little jerk ass. He’s still nice to pet though.
[Tabbytha is touching Barbara’s breasts]
Barbara: Tabbytha, I put the cat down already and I think you know that.
Tabbytha: Well, I can’t help it.
Barbara: Please. We both know you’re just doing this to piss off your senator father.
Tabbytha: Well.
Barbara: [pulls out another cat] We call this cat OJ because he is orange like the Jews an murderer like the athlete.
Tabbytha: I’ve had him guilty of being adorable.
Barbara: And again, murder. [pulls out a dog on a cat costume] And this is Whiskers. I don’t know if you can tell, but Whiskers is a dog in a cat costume.
Tabbytha: We think it kind of misses down fire situation.
Barbara: He has to pretend to be a cat so he can see his kids. Anyway, come on down to Whiskers R We.
Tabbytha: Our policy is bring your bag and we’ll put a cat in it.
Barbara: Okay. Time to climb up in the scratching.
[Tabbytha carries Barbara]
Tabbytha: There we go.
Barbara: Happy valentine’s day.
[Cut to a picture Whiskers R We store]
Female voice: Whiskers R We, valentine’s cat giveaway. See you there!