Heidi Gardner
Jessica Chastain
Mikey Day
Aidy Bryant
Heidi: Sure, yeah, holidays are fun, but I’m glad to be back in LA. And I’m ready to kill it this New Year.
Jessica: Well, yeah. I have such a good feeling about 2018. I’ve already started reading a book. My resolution was to expand my mind.
Heidi: Oh, my god! So was mine. I’m like, a week into this brain work app I downloaded. It’s just like, 30 seconds seconds a day a math, 10 seconds of word search, and 20 seconds of shapes. It’s like, one minute a day and I’m already smarter.
Jessica: That’s amazing. Those apps really work.
[Waiter walks in]Waiter: Hey, ladies, did you decide what you wanted?
Heidi: Um, yes. I’m gonna have a bean tostada and a chicken taco.
Waiter: Okay. Tacos are buy one get one free. So, do you want another taco? It’s free.
Heidi: I mean I might waste it but, okay. I’ll just get another chicken Taco.
Waiter: Okay. And, for you?
Jessica: I’ll have cheese enchilada and a hard shell beef taco.
Waiter: Okay. You guys could do that deal together then.
Heidi: Wait, what?
Waiter: Um, she could have your taco.
Jessica: [to Heidi] Did you want a beef taco?
Heidi: No, I want it chicken.
Waiter: Yeah. She’d just be getting your beef one for free.
Heidi: But she want it beef.
Jessica: I ordered a hard shell beef taco.
Waiter: Yeah, yeah. You would get her free taco.
Heidi: Wait, I’m so confused.
Jessica: Me too.
Waiter: You know what? Don’t worry about it. I’ll just put it in.
Heidi: No, wait. Let me think coz I’m trying to use my brain more.
Waiter: Okay. Great.
Heidi: Oh, oh, I get it. But I’m getting two chicken. Are you cool with a chicken taco?
Jessica: That’s like, the one meat I feel bad about. I had a pet chicken when I was little and we were really close. But if I have to…
Waiter: No, you don’t have to. You can still get beef.
Jessica: I’m like, so confused. Wait, I can do this. Hold on. [thinking hard] [to Heidi] Did you want beef?
Heidi: Argh, usually I would, but I ate all this raw hamburger last weekend and I got really sick.
Jessica: Why did you do that?
Heidi: I was like, being funny. But, I mean, I like, literally have been throwing up beef for days. But I mean, I feel bad. I can get beef. I can’t promise I’ll keep it down.
Waiter: No, no, no. You don’t have to get beef. You can still stick with your original chicken.
Heidi: Oh my god, I think I’m gonna need my app for this. [Heidi pulls her phone out of her bag and shows it to Jessica] See, this is it.
Jessica: Aw, cute app.
Heidi: Ha-ha. That’s Cornelia. He brings me my homework but he’s actually pretty cool.
Waiter: Um, ladies, I can just–
Jessica: [interrupting] Excuse me! We got this!
Heidi: Okay. So, the blue square is the chicken taco. And if the red car is the beef taco.
Jessica: Then the free taco would be…
[Heidi and Jessica think hard but can’t figure out.]Heidi and Jessica: I don’t know what it is.
Waiter: Okay. It’s easy. You’re just getting her free taco. Okay? So, it’s like you never ordered.
Jessica: But I did order. I was here. Did you not write it down?
[Aidy walks in]Aidy: Hi. I couldn’t help but overhear everything you’ve been saying. And I need for it to stop. Okay. I’m gonna pay for all your food, so now, all the tacos are free.
Jessica: No. Only one of them is free.
Heidi: Yeah. So, thank you but this is a private conversation.
Aidy: Oh my god!
[Aidy walks away]Jessica: You know, we actually might need another minute with the food.
Waiter: Okay. Can I get your drinks? It’s two for one Margaritas.
Heidi: Oh, we can’t drink. We’re performing a surgery after this.
Jessica: Yeah, we’re surgeons.
Waiter: What? You guys are surgeons?
Heidi: Why? You think women can’t be surgeons?
Jessica: Let’s get out of here.
[Heidi and Jessica stand and leave]Waiter: No, that’s not– that’s not what I said.