Tag: Taraji P. Henson

Teacher Trial

Bill Arnold… Beck Bennett

Paula Abbott… Aidy Bryant

Janet Johnson-Luna… Cecily Strong

Gabbin Deli… Pete Davidson

Cathy Deli… Kate McKinnon

Plaintiff lawyer… Taraji P. Henson

Judge… Kenan Thompson

Mr. Deli… Bobby Moynihan

Defense lawyer… Venessa Bayer

[Starts with HLN intro]

Male voice: You’r watching HLN. That stands for Head Line News.

[Cut to the pieces of news on cut news papers]

When I return to HLN’s live coverage of Hot For Teacher: the Janet Johnson-Luna’s civil trial.

[Cut to Bill Arnold and Paula Abbott]

Bill Arnold: Bill Arnold along side Paula Abbott. Here at the Hillsborough County Courthouse in Tampa Bay for day six of the trial of Janet Johnson-Luna.

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna sitting in a courtroom.]

A 32 year old teacher at Villa River High School, [Cut to Bill Arnold and Paula Abbott] who was caught having a sexual relationship with 16 year old student Gabbin Deli.

Paula Abbott: In court today is Deli’s mother, [Cut to 5 crying in the courtroom] Cathy Deli, who is suing Ms. Luna on behalf of her son.

[Cut to Bill Arnold and Paula Abbott]

Bill Arnold: We now go to the courtroom where Gabbin Deli has taken the stand.

[Cut to the courtroom.]

Plaintiff lawyer: Good morning, Mr. Deli.

Gabbin Deli: Hello, ma’am.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Mr. Deli, your physical relationship with the defendant lasted how long?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, five glorious weeks, ma’am.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Can you point out the defendant for the court.

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Yeah, she is right over there, looking all fine.

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna. She is blushing]

Janet Johnson-luna: [smiling] You’re stupid.

[Cut to 5, Plaintiff lawyer and Janet Johnson-luna]

Mrs. Deli: [yelling]

She’s a monster!

[Cut to Judge]

Judge: Hey, hey, hey! Let’s keep it cool.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: The affair began on April 15, 2014, correct?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Yes, ma’am. It was the best day of my life.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Did you feel pressured into being physical with Ms. Luna?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, no. I instigated it. After school, I went in and said, “What can I do for some extra credit?” And it was on.

[Cut to Judge and Gabbin Deli]

Judge: Look at you.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Mr. Deli. You mother said you came home that day and felt sick.

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Oh, yeah. I asked for some time in home because I was fist pumping the entire walk home from school, and my arm muscles were a little sore.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: How would you describe your mental state after the affair began?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, I’d say it felt like what Disney Land is.

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna blushing]

Janet Johnson-luna: [smiling] Oh, my god! So embarrassing.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Mr. Deli, when your classmates became aware of your relationship with Ms. Luna, what happened at school?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: I just remember giving thousands of high-fives.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Did the kids call you names?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, yes ma’am. The man, luckiest guy ever, my hero, baller, lil Pimp, lil baller, the one, good year pimp, Fred Pimpstone, Ran and Pimpy, king of the teachers, after school special, teacher’s petter, the boy who lived, Gabbin the great, Magic the Gabbining, Legend, super cala fragalistic this be such a dope kid, and he who had sex with teachers. I’m sorry, that’s all I can remember but those were the main ones.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Noted. Now, Mr. Deli, were you bullied as the result of the affair?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: No, I wasn’t. I would describe it as the end of the movie ‘Rudy’. I was Rudy.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Are you okay, your honor?

[Cut to Judge laughing]

Judge: Yeah, yeah. It’s just this guy. Extra credit!

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna blushing]

Janet Johnson-luna: [smiling] So corny.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: [clears throat as to get attention] Mr. Deli, how did your relationship with the defendant affect your home life?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, it actually brought me closer to my dad. After he saw a picture of Ms. Luna, he took me to a Mallen’s game and bought me my first beer.

[Cut to 5 and Mr. Deli. 5 is staring at Mr. Deli angrily and Mr. Deli is just looking at Gabbin Deli.]

Mr. Deli: [nodding his head to Gabbin Deli] I love you.

[Mr. Deli is really proud] [Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Did Ms. Luna make arrangements to meet you after your mother filed a restraining order?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, she did say she wanted to meet that weekend but my schedule was so hectic. I had some meet and greets. And that Sunday, it was Gabbin night at the minor league hockey game. And I was asked to ride the zamboni and sing, “Hot for Teacher.”

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Yeah, I’m done!

[Cut to the courtroom] [Plaintiff lawyer sits down]

Judge: Defense.

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna and Defense lawyer]

Defense lawyer: You know, we’re beyond good at this point, your honor.

[Cut to Judge and Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, may I be excused, sir?

Judge: No… not until you pound it! Ha-ha-ha.

[Judge gives Gabbin Deli a fist to pound]

Mr. Extra Credit right here. Yeah, you excused.

[Gabbin Deli climbs over the stand and goes to Janet Johnson-luna in haste]

2014 minute recess.

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna and Gabbin Deli]

Janet Johnson-luna: Don’t do that.

Gabbin Deli: I wasn’t gonna.

[Janet Johnson-luna and Gabbin Deli are blushing]

Sesame Street with Taraji P. Henson

Cookie… Taraji P. Henson

[Starts with Sesame Street intro]

Male voice: This week on Sesame Street, the count is making cupcakes.

[Cut to Count Von Count counting cupcakes]

Count Von Count: Five, six and seven. Seven cup cakes. Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Elmo]

Male voice: Elmo’s got a new backpack. And Cookie is being a real monster.

[Cut to Cookie Monster]

Cookie Monster: Who? Me?

Cookie: No, me.

[Cookie from Empire walks in]

Cookie Monster: Wow, wow, wait a minute.

Male voice: From the hit show, Empire, it’s special guest Cookie.

[Cut to Ernie]

Ernie: Hey, Bert. I’ll change my apple for half of your sandwich.

[Cut to Bert and Ernie. Cookie from Empire walks in]

Cookie: No, uh-uh! He’s trying to play you. What you trying to do, big man?

[Cut to Ernie looking worried]

Ernie: But- but–

Cookie: B-B-B-But! Oh, now you can’t speak English?

[Cut to Bert looking shocked]

Male voice: Relationships will crumble.

[Cut to Cookie from Empire with Big Bird and Mr. Snuffleupagus]

Cookie: You remember something, Snuffy, I knew this bird first.

Mr. Snuffleupagus: Can’t we all be friends Cookie?

Cookie: Snuffy, you need to stop rapping like you from the streets, coz you not about that life!

Male voice: And this week, Cookie is gonna get what’s her’s.

[Cut to Cookie Monster and Cookie from Empire]

Cookie Monster: You want to share me cookie?

[Cookie Monster shows Cookie a cookie]

Cookie: Oh, no baby, Cookie don’t share.

Male voice: No matter what the cost.

[Cut to Cookie from Empire and Murray Monster]

Murray Monster: Oh, no! I can’t find Elmo anywhere.

[Murray Monster looks at Cookie. She is wearing a red fur coat.]

Oh, wait a minute. Cookie, where did you get that red fur?

Cookie: Don’t you worry about it baby!

Male voice: Betrayal, revenge, sing-a-longs.

[Cut to Sesame Street characters singing with Cookie from Empire]

Cookie: Y’all are freaks. That’s good. I can mark at that.

Male voice: Sesame Street, starring Taraji P. Henson.

[Cut to Cookie]

Cookie: The P is for Puppet! Hmph!

[The end]

QVC

Temora Stans… Taraji P. Henson

Claudette Fontaine… Kate McKinnon

Blayah… Aidy Bryant

Rick Warson…. Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with QVC intro]

Female voice: You’re watching QVC, which means you’re a cat who’s owner’s at work. Hi little guy!

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Well, hello everyone. I’m Temora Stans and I was born right here on this very set. Now, our guest today is a legendary actress, singer and as of last Thursday, she’s a designer. Please welcome Claudette Fontaine.

[Claudette walks in]

Claudette: Oh, splash! Splash! Here I am. Thank you so much for having me. I won’t forget it. Thank you so much.

Temora: Okay. Now, you have a new item for us today. it’s called the 3-way poncho, is that right?

Claudette: Yeah, that’s correct. No woman of a certain age wants to be boxed in by a business shirts. So, I thought, you know, what’s the loosest thing you can wear? What’s perfectly elegant but also very, very loose. So, 3-way poncho.

Temora: Oh! Now, I’m just dying to see that poncho. Let’s bring out the mode.

[Blayah walks in wearing a huge red 3-way poncho.]

Claudette: Yes, lets get her out. This is Blayah. [Cut to Claudette and Blayah] Now, Blayah is wearing my 3-way ponchos in curtain red.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Ah! This is just gorgeous. Can Blayah show us the 3 ways?

[Cut to Claudette and Blayah]

Claudette: Yes, of course. Now, the first way is the way it is now. Isn’t she so elegant? Look at her. She’s a perfect square.

[Cut to all]

Temora: Absolutely, I love it. And now, let’s see the second way.

Claudette: Okay, here it is.

[Blayah pulls the poncho a little bit down on her left shoulder]

Temora: Wow, down on the shoulder.

Claudette: Now, could’t you just– It’s gotta sear the Oscars at the very end of an inmemoriam real.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: I could, I could. And now, let’s see the third way.

[Cut to Claudette and Blayah]

Claudette: Yeah, the third way.

[Claudette looks around thinking]

Phew! It’s just kind of went like right out of my head! What is that pesky third way? Oh, I remember it. It’s up! [gestures Blayah to pull the poncho up on her shoulder again] Up that way. That’s the third way.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: No, no, no. I think that was the first way.

[Cut to Claudette and Blayah]

Claudette: Ah! You’re right, you’re right. Well, we’re gonna run through them again. We got up! And then we got off the shoulder. And that’s 3, ya?

[Cut to all]

Temora: Uh, that’s two.

Claudette: Oh, darling, darling. What the heck is that third way?

Temora: Blayah, why don’t you try to figure it out while we take a call? Viewer, you’re on with Claudette .

Caller: Hi, Claudette, my name is Rachel.

[Cut to Claudette]

Claudette: Oh, hello Emily.

Caller: No, it’s Rachel.

Claudette: Oh, I love ya’, Emily. And I won’t ever forget you. I won’t!

Caller: Okay. Um, I’m calling because I ordered a 3-way poncho and it was shipped to me without a box. It was just left on my lawn in a little bowl.

Claudette: Oh, I’m so glad you got it. Bye bye, Emily.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Alright, and it looks like Blayah has figured out the third way to wear the poncho.

[Cut to Claudette and Blayah. Blayah is covering her face with the front part of the poncho.]

Claudette: Blayah, honey, that can’t be it, coz how are you gonna see or eat?

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Is the third way… Well, if she puts her legs through the arm holes, so it will be up side down like a pant.

[Cut to Claudette and Blayah]

Claudette: That’s it. That’s the third way. Yes! [Blayah is opening the poncho.] Oh, wait, because then her crutor could be poken up through the net.

Temora: Oh, no, no.

Claudette: No, I’m not pervert. What is that ding-ding third way?

Temora: Okay, let’s take another call. Viewer, you’re on with Claudette Fontaine/

[Cut to Claudette]

Caller: Hi Claudette, my name is Amy.

Claudette: Hi, Lisa. Lisa, you’re shooting star. Kill anyone for you.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Now, how do you like your 3 way poncho?

[Cut to Claudette]

Caller: Well, I also had a problem with shipping. I did receive a box, but there was no poncho inside. Just a small dog.

Claudette: Oh, that’s my dog Kiko. I was wondering where she went. Keep her. Oh, bye-bye, Michelle. Thank you so much.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Now, Claudette, you have also designed a fabulous necklace. [Cut to all] Why don’t you tell us about that?

Claudette: Of course, I will. Yes. I will tell the 10-way necklace.

[Cut to Blayah. She is wearing a necklace.]

Now, this is a gorgeous sapphire pendant. [Claudette is touching Blayah’s neck and face very hardly.] And the first way is, you hang it like this. You hand it and it’s a necklace.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Just so beautiful. And what’s the second way?

[Cut to Claudette]

Claudette: Dang it! What is that second way? Oh, never mind. It’s just a necklace. Woo!

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Okay. Well, that’s all the time we have with Claudette Fontaine. Next we have Rick Warson. He’s 75 years old and he’s the inventor of the world’s cheapest ladder.

[Cut to Rick with his ladder behind him]

He’s gonna climb it live when we come back right after this. Only on QVC.

Claudette: Bye guys.

[End]

 

I Made It Monologue

Taraji P. Henson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Taraji P. Henson.

[Taraji P. Henson walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Taraji P. Henson: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. This is so nice! Oh my god, being in Saturday Night Live really means so much to me because it proves that after 20 years of show business, white people finally know who I am.

[cheers and applause]

Ha-ha-ha-ha. Look, now I’ve been around a while, but a lot of you are just getting to know me as Cookie on Empire.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. No, no, no, real talk. This role changed my life. I mean, I spent so many years hustling in this business and now I’m here. So, I guess you can say I made it. Hallelujah!

[Taraji P. Henson gets a mic] [music playing] [singing] Don’t worry about where you are
be grateful that you’ve come this far
you may not always come in first
just remember, that it could be worse
I could have been in acts to older Lion King
could be wearing some giant two wings
could be tryina’ make some bachelor holla!
could be twerking on a pole for a dollar
I could have been a hiphop, being a hoe
didn’t work no twice, but let no more

[backup singers come behind her.]

I know all that stuff matters now
coz I made it.

Backup singers: Oh, yes, you made it.

Taraji P. Henson: I used to tip 5, now it’s 30%

Backup singers: Oh, yes, you made it.

Taraji P. Henson: Oh, yes! I made it.
All my stuffs at apartment just to pay rent

Backup singers: Oh, yes, you made it.

Taraji P. Henson: Oh, yes I made it
Kudo pasta samples in the grocery store
although they know that I couldn’t pay no more

Backup singers: I know all that stuff matters now
coz you made it.

Taraji P. Henson: Oh, yes, I made it.

Now listen. Instead of worrying about where we want to be, how about we try to be thankful for where we’re not? Tthink about all the things we could be doing right now. We’re blessed. Somebody better testify.

[Taran Killam walks in]

Taran: I could still be performing magic for my parent’s friends.

Taraji P. Henson: But you made it.

[Kenan Thompson walks in]

Kenan: I could be the oldest cast member in Good Burger 7.

Taraji P. Henson: Hey, dawg, you made it.

[Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate: I could have been behind the counter at Nathan’s. Now, I’m in front of it.

Taraji P. Henson: Ah! You made it!

[Pete Davidson walks in]

Pete: I could be a well adjusted college sophomore .

Taraji P. Henson: But you made it young man.

Pete: Sure!

[Venessa Bayer walks in]

Venessa: I could have been the most famous Jewish person from Cleveland. JK, I am!

Taraji P. Henson: You made it!

[Leslie Jones walks in]

Leslie: I could have straight up been in jail.

[music stops]

Taraji P. Henson: Oh!

Leslie: Seriously. I have done some stuff.

[Taraji P. Henson hides behind Leslie]

I even shouldn’t be on TV right now because somebody might recognize me and turn me in.

Taraji P. Henson: But you made it.

Leslie: Yes, I did.

Taraji P. Henson: We used to steal cable and watch the TV

Everyone: But we made it. Oh, yes, we made it.

Taraji P. Henson: Think about where we could have been
think how we moved on up like the tread machine

Everybody: Coz, we made it, we made it.
Whoo! Yeah!

Wow! We got a great show for you tonight. Mumford & Sons are here with me. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

How 2 Dance with Janelle

Janelle… Sasheer Zamata

Teddy… Kyle Mooney

Mom…Taraji P. Henson

Michael… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with How 2 dance with Janelle intro] [Cut to Janelle streaming live with her friend Teddy sitting behind her.]

Janelle: What’s up YouTube? It’s your girl Janelle, a.k.a. Jay Train, a.k.a. Janelle. And I’m here as always with my best friend Teddy.

Teddy: [walks near to Janelle] Best friend and prom date.

Janelle: That’s right. We’re going together as a joke. [laughs]

Teddy: So funny!

Janelle: Anyway, we’re live streaming today in honor of my channel hitting 1 million subscribers. So, shout out to my 1 million subscriber, Jeremy Gates from Danberi state penitentiary. [Janelle hits the play button and the music starts playing] Okay, let’s get dancing.

[Janelle and Teddy stand]

Today we’re gonna learn how to do the Do Drop. Alright Teddy, first you have to shake your shoulders like you’re cold then roll your body like it’s a snake. It’s easy. Let’s try it full speed.

[Janelle starts dancing]

Teddy: Oh, my god!

[Mom opens the door enters the room]

Mom: Woo-hoo! Y’all better be kissing in here.

Janelle: Ew, gross!

Teddy: Yeah, that’d be so gross.

[Janelle pauses the music]

Janelle: Can you leave? I’m doing my dances.

Mom: Oh, I know baby. Your brothers and friends are all watching in the living room.

[Michael walks in]

Michael: Janelle! None of my friends want to play Xbox with me.

Mom: Michael! Go take the garbage!

Michael: Mom, it’s not even making sense!

Mom: You better get out of here boy!

[Michael leaves]

Baby, show me the dance you were doing?

Janelle: Oh, it’s call the Do Drop. Like this.

[Janelle shows the dance.]

Mom: Oh, no, no, no. That is not how we move in this house. I raised you better than that. We move like this.

[Mom shows Janelle how to move even better.]

Teddy: [looking at Mom] Oh, how cool pillow. I’m just gonna put it right here.

[Janelle puts the pillow over his lap.]

Janelle: Oh, mom!

Mom: Please! You know I auditioned to be a fly girl. Now let me show you how real real woman dances.

Janelle: But I’m not a woman.

Mom: Well, your body disagrees. Alright, step one, jam!

[Mom plays the music and starts dancing]

Ay! Ay! Step two, it’s all about arms and back. You gotta pop it like this. Pop! Pop! Pop it out! Pop it! Pop it!

Janelle: It looks like someone’s trying to punch you in the spine.

Mom: That’s what’s hot about it. Pop it! Pop it!

[Janelle and Mom are dancing together]

Bang! Bang! Bang! Now, how does that feel for you?

Janelle: It hurts everything.

Mom: Hah! Then you’re doing it right, baby. Now watch this. This is when you’re dropping it low.

[Mom starts shaking her butt] [Michael walks in]

Michael: Mom, my friends are watching this!

Mom: Hey, boys! Don’t you eat all my food!

[Michael leaves]

Janelle: Teddy, get in here.

Mom: Yeah! Teddy!

[Janelle pulls Teddy in the middle of her and Mom.]

Mom: Come on, Teddy! You have to move your hips like this.

Janelle: Yeah, and move your arms and chest like this.

Mom: Yeah, go Teddy! Go Teddy!

[Teddy faints]

Is he alright?

Janelle: Yeah, he faints a lot. I’ll just get him some water.

Mom: Okay, baby. You go.

[Janelle leaves]

Mom: [looking at the computer] What’s that comment say? Do you know how to twerk? Oh, baby. I was made for–

[Michael storms in]

Michael: No, no, no, no.

[Michael is pressing all the buttons trying to stop the streaming] [This livestream has now ended.]

Home 2

Jim Parsons… Taram Killam

Rihanna… Sasheer Zamata

Kendrick Lamar… Jay Pharoah

Missy Elliot… Leslie Jones

Nicki Minaj… Taraji P. Henson

Sofia Vergara… Cecily Strong

Rick Ross… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with DreamWorks Sneak Peek video bumper.] [Cut to a trailer of animated movie ‘Home’]

Male voice: This April, DreamWork’s newest animated movie ‘Home’ is  dominating the Box Office. Thanks to the voice of Jim Parsons as a lovable alien outcast.

[Cut to Jim Parsons doing the voiceover]

Jim Parsons: My hands are in the air like I just do not care.

[Cut to a girl from animated movie]

Male voice: And Rihanna as an earth girl with an attitude.

[Cut to Rihanna doing the voiceover]

Rihanna: Our tradition is to punch you in the nose. Ay-ay-ay.

Male voice: So, DreamWorks is already at work on Home 2. With Jim Parsons and more hiphop than you can handle. Featuring characters like Twee Tor, the alien voiced by Kendrick Lamar.

[Cut to Kendrick Lamar doing the voiceover]

Kendrick Lamar: Yo, I’m Twee Tor

so let’s hit the skies in my bubble car

it runs a milk shakes from here to the north star

Male voice: It’s a G rated run featuring the OG’s of rap. Including Missy Elliot as Boop the sky.

[Cut to Missy Elliot doing the voiceover]

Missy Elliot: Well, I’m not from this galaxy. I’m from [mumbles]

Male voice: Nicky Minaj doing double duty as star cops Thwick & Thwack.

[Cut to Nicki Minaj doing the voiceover]

Nicki Minaj: I’m all so sorry but you’re under inter-gallectic arrest.

Jim Parsons: Well I’m–

Nicki Minaj: [interrupting] Bro, I ain’t sorry, coz Thwack don’t apologize.

Jim Parsons: You don’t under–

Nicki Minaj: You have the right to remain silent.
Jim Parsons: Oh!

Nicki Minaj: But I won’t remain silent. I have a right to remain violent.

Jim Parsons: Do I need to be here for this?

[Cut to animated movie clips]

Male voice: You’ll be spending all of your young money on this funky fresh sequel, featuring Sofia Vergara as nurse Bickle Bam. With Rick Ross as Sky Cat.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara and Rick Ross doing the voiceover]

Sofia Vergara: Oh, you have a wound rash.

Rick Ross: Sky Cat!

Sofia Vergara: You don’t have to say your name before every line.

Rick Ross: [looks around] Sky Cat!

[Cut to animated movie clips]

Male voice: And we’re pulling out all the hiphop starts with Alt rappers Die Antwoord, as alien babies Peebo & Quiggles.

[Cut to Jim Parsons and Die Antwoord members doing voiceover. Jim Parsons is scared of them.] [Cut to animated movie clips]

Be sure to download the Home 2 soundtrack, featuring the hit single, Hustle Home.

[Cut to Jim Parsons singing]

Jim Parsons: [singing] Hustle home…

[Nicki Minaj comes in]

Nicki Minaj: [rapping] Don’t send me with a hustle
I’m the almighty hustler
They all must be talking
but nobody touch us

Male voice: Home 2. Coming this summer

Hollywood Game Night

Jane Lynch… Kate McKinnon

Kelly… Venessa Bayer

Vin Diesel… Taran Killam

Wynonna Judd… Aidy Bryant

Common … Jay Pharoah

Eddie… Kyle Mooney

Nick Offerman… Beck Bennett

Marion Cotillard… Cecily Strong

Wanda Sykes… Taraji P. Henson

[Starts with Hollywood Game Night intro] [Cut to the game stage]

Jane Lynch: Yes! Yes! You’re watching Hollywood Game Night. I am Jane Lynch. Men’s warehouse was right. I do like the way I look. Here’s how the show works. We pair two regular people with celebrities and they play series of dumb games for a chance to win $25,000. Let’s meet the team from Tulsa, it’s Kelly.

[Cut to Kelly]

Kelly: Woo! Let’s do this, Jane!

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Settle! Playing for Kelly from Furious 7, we got Vin Diesel.

[Cut to Vin Diesel]

Vin Diesel: No. I’m Vin Diesel.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Yikes! Yikes! Country music legend, Wynonna Judd.

[Cut to Wynonna Judd]

Wynonna Judd: Oh, am I on TV? Well, let me brush my hair so I look good for mama. Oh, not to brag, but this is the same brush they use on horses.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: And finally we got Oscar winning musician, Common.

[Cut to Common]

Common: I play tonight on behalf of every black man who was ever struggle. Look how far we’ve come, brothers. Here I am, on top of the mountain.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Whoof! Keep climbing. Alright, we’re gonna meet our other team, it’s Eddie.

[Cut to Eddie]

Eddie: Hey, Jane. I’m psyched to be here.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: And I am psyched to be done with Glee. Yes! Playing for Eddie from Parks and Recreation, it’s Nick Offerman and his mustache.

[Cut to Nick Offerman]

Nick Offerman: What? It’s back? I shaved it 10 minutes ago.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: French actress and Oscar winner, the beautiful Marion Cotillard.

[Cut to Marion Cotillard]

Marion Cotillard: Oh, Jane, that’s so nice of you. In France, I am considered 7, but here in America I am… um, you see… 300!

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Yeah. And finally stand up comedy legend, we got Wanda Sykes.

[Cut to Wanda Sykes]

Wanda Sykes: That’s right. I am a legend. The hell am I doing here?

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Alright, let’s get into our first game. It’s called Hollywoof. We’ll take a movie poster, replace the actors with dogs and you guess the film. That’s a real game that will be played by the millionaires. Let’s see the clue, time starts now.

[A poster of Titanc appears on the game screen, but the actors are replaced by the dogs.] [Cut to Vin Diesel]

Vin Diesel: I got this! Dog Boat!

[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Wynonna Judd]

Wynonna Judd: Jane, I know the answer and I’d like to give it in the form of a 7 minute song about the lord. [singng] He left me up…

[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Common. Do you know the movie?

[Cut to Common]

Common: Selma.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Unrecognized once again! Why not Selma? That is the question we have been asking ourselves! But we must be brave this day. Glory!

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: My god! It’s Titanic! Oh! Eddie’s team, the next game is called Namous Fames. We jumbled the letters of celebrities’ names and you guess who it is. It’s created by the adults who were fed up of their work. Here’s the clue, time starts now.

[The screen shows “Brad Ttip” on the screen.]

Nick Offerman, you’re up!

[Cut to Nick Offerman. He has more mustache now.]

What the hell?

Nick Offerman: Jane, it appears my mustache is still growing. It cannot be stopped. And Jane, it’s angry.

[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Marion Cotillard]

Marion Cotillard: I do not know the answer, but we simply must win because if we lose I will cry, and when I cry, I cry in French like this.

[The video turns black and white and has old movie effect] [wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Wanda, you’re a smart woman. Tell me who this is.

[Cut to Wanda Sykes]

Wanda Sykes: This is so easy. You got an A, B, R and A. Couple of Ts, so it’s obvious who that is. it’s Raba TT.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Who is Raba TT?

[Cut to Wanda Sykes]

Wanda Sykes: I don’t know. You wrote the clue! Tall ass white lady asking me who Raba TT is.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: The answer is Brad freaking Pitt. Okay, since no one’s done anything right, it’s time for the tie breaker. Each team picks a celebrity to represent them. Kelly.

[Cut to Kelly and Vin Diesel]

Kelly: I’ll go with Vin Diesel because he’s breathing so hard. I think he needs to get up and move around.

[Cut to Eddie’s team]

Eddie: I’m gonna pick Wanda Sykes.

Wanda Sykes: Yeah, of course you do. Looking at this sad ass couch, I would have picked me too.

[Cut to everybody. Vin Diesel and Wanda Sykes walk to Jane Lynch.]

Jane Lynch: Alright, here’s the game. I’m gonna give you the beginning of a movie quote, you finish it. Oh, Vin baby, you’re first. Let’s do this. Luke, I am your…

Vin Diesel: Worst nightmare!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Jane Lynch: Okay. Wanda, Wanda, Wanda. Finish the line. I feel the need, the need…

Wanda Sykes: To leave. I don’t like the way this man is looking at me. He looks like a big toe on a t-shirt. All these people be crazy… which is inside of my new stand up special coming soon to HBO, yeah baby!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Jane Lynch: Alright. Enough! Enough! This has been Hollywood Game Night. I’m Jane Lynch and I’m getting out of here right this second. Boom!

[End]

Connectatron

Xandar… Taran Killam

Dutch… Bobby Moynihan

Evelyn… Cecily Strong

Dante… Jay Pharoah

Mevis… Taraji P. Henson

[Starts with Connectatron intro] [Cut to a half shark half dinosaur monster destroying the city. It’s a resemblance of Power Rangers.] [Cut to Xandar wearing red suit]

Xandar: Oh, no! Zelda used his grow magic of that Shark-a-saur. Now, it’s destroying downtown.

[Cut to Dutch wearing yellow suit]

Dutch: He just crushed my favorite Hogi shop. Let me have him.

[Cut to Evelyn wearing pink suit]

Evelyn: It’s no use. Our ships are so weak against him.

[Cut to Dante wearing blue suit]

Dante: You all thinking what I’m thinking?

[Cut to the Tronners]

Xandar: Tronners, time to connect! Forming head and torso. Evelyn, attach right arm.

Evelyn: Comes up to that.

Xandar: Dante, attach left arm.

Dante: Happy to lend a hand.

Xandar: Dutch, attach right leg.

Dutch: You can lean on me.

Xandar: Mevis, attach left leg.

Mevis: No.

Xandar: Mevis, we need you to form Connectatron.

Mevis: I’m not stopping you.

Xandar: No, you literally are. We can’t move without you.

Dante: Shark-a-saur is attacking.

[Cut to Shark-a-saur attacking one legged Connectatron]

Xandar: Mevis, please! Please help us. Tell us what happened?

Mevis: Ask Dutch.

Dutch: What did I do?

Mevis: Why don’t you tell everybody what happened in the hallway?

Dutch: I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about.

Mevis: You bumped me and I spilled kombucha on my jacket.

Xandar: Dutch! Just apologize!

Dutch: Boy! I’m sorry!

Xandar: Okay, great! Attach left leg.

Mevis: Excuse me? Xander! Don’t you shout, coz you know you… hitting this thing.

[Other Tronners are laughing]

Xandar: Baby. please.

Mevis: Oh! So, now I’m baby when Shark-a-saur is winning.

Dante: Shield’s down to 15%. Hurry!

Xandar: Mevis. Please! Attach, we can’t do this without you.

Mevis: Let me control the head.

Xandar: Mevis, the cosmic being entrusted me with the responsibility–

Mevis: I’m not asking the cosmic being. I’m asking you baby! Let me control the head.

Dante: 2%!

Xandar: Okay, fine!

Mevis: Attaching!

[Cut to Shark-a-saur and Connectatron. Connectatron is now standing well.] [Cut to Xandar. Mevis walks in and takes his chair.]

Alright, it’s on now! Take my rings off to whip your ass!

[Cut to Shark-a-saur and Connectatron. Connectatron beats Shark-a-saur.] [The end]

Cinema Classics Their Own League

Reese De’What… Kenan Thompson

Coach… Taran Killam

Katty… Venessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Bobby Moynihan

Aidy Bryant

Taraji P. Henson

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Cinema Classics intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Cinema Classics on PBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening and welcome to Cinema Classics. I am Reese D’What? The Natural, Field of Dreams, movie celebrating America’s past time have inspired and entertained audiences for decades. Sadly tonight’s film entitled, “Their Own League” is a forgotten example of the genre. Why is it forgotten? I do not know. This is not why I’m here. I’m not a good guesser. Ask my wife. She recently asked me to guess what she was going to do to me in bed. And I said, “I don’t know. Let me be.” Let us take a look at a scene from “Their Own League”.

[Cut to a scene from the movie] [Cut to a coach yelling at his players. The players are females.]

Coach: You dang girls. How am I supposed to coach this team with nothing but a bunch of dang girls.

[Katty stands before Coach and wipes her tears]

Are you sobbing? There is no sobbing in baseball! This is pathetic. I’m gonna go drink Coca-cola that still has cocaine in it.

[Coach leaves. Cecily walks to Katty]

Cecily: Hey, don’t let him get you down, Katty. He’s just a big old bully.

Katty: Maybe he’s right. Maybe girls shouldn’t play baseball.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Of course he’s not right.

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Yeah, we should be aloud.

Aidy: Yeah, we can play this game as well as any man.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Katty: You mean it?

Cecily: I sure do! Now say it! Women can play baseball.

Katty: Women can play baseball.

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Women can play baseball.

Aidy: Women can play baseball.

[Taraji walks in. She is wearing very lady-like dress and a hat.]

Taraji: So, can I play baseball?

[Everyone looks at her not wanting to answer the question] [Cut to Taraji]

What? What is it?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: It’s just–

Kate: We kind of already have the woman thing. You know? Don’t really want to complicate it.

[Cut to Taraji]

Taraji: Oh, I get it. It’s coz I’m black.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: No, no. It’s not that.

[Cut to Taraji]

Taraji: Then what is it?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: No, it’s that.

Katty: People are actually pretty ticked that we are doing it. Imagine if… you know it.

[Cut to Taraji]

Taraji: I– I don’t know.

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Darling, face it. It’s coz you’re not a classic beauty like the rest of us.

Aidy: No, no.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Katty: That’s not it.

Kate: Look, we’re gonna pave the way for black women in professional baseball. But it’s gonna take time.

Cecily: Yeah, yeah. Come on, you know the plan. Like, first white women are allowed to play baseball. Then black men are allowed to play. Then all women are allowed to play under hand with a big softball like a child.

[Cut to Bobby, Aidy and Taraji]

Bobby: Yeah. That’s a good plan.

[Leslie walks in. She is tall and looks more athletic.]

Leslie: What about me? Can I play?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: Oh, this blows coz we can really use her in our team.

[Cut to Bobby, Aidy, Taraji and Leslie]

Aidy: Yeah, forget about the team. We could use her in the war.

Bobby: Yeah, send her overseas to kill some crouts.

[Cut to Taraji and Leslie]

Leslie: So, You saying I could play?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Kate: Okay, okay. Here’s the thing. While our husbands are away, we are the racists.

[Cut to Taraji and Leslie

Taraji: Look, ladies. Whether you like it or not, black, white, we are all women. And we’re all in this together.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: hey, maybe she’s right, girls. Maybe they should be allowed to play.

[Cut to everybody]

Taraji: Really?

Cecily: Yeah!

Girls: Yeah!

[Coach walks in]

Coach: Alright! Listen up. I got some good news. The war’s over. The men are coming home, so get off the dang field and never come back!

[Cut to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Sadly, Their Own League never made it to theaters as it was sued for copyright infringement by the makers of ‘A League Of Their Own’, which came out two years earlier. Youch! For Cinema Classics, I have been Reese D’What?

[The end]