Tag: Taran

Meet and Match

Brad… Beck Bennett

Beth… Kate McKinnon

Barbara… Julia Louis-Drefus

Trevor… Taran Killam

Max… Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Vanessa Bayer

Jay Pharoah

Jon Rusnitsky

[Starts with people enjoying in Meet N’ Match pub]

Brad: Okay singles, looks like we got a lot of love connections tonight. Which is what match.com, Meet N’ Match is all about. We’re winding down soon so if you need any last drink tickets, come see me, your man Brad at the host table. Now, let me hear you make some noise.

[Everybody cheering for Brad]

[space ship landing sound]

[Beth and Barbara enter the pub. They’re wearing long dresses, have long hair and both their eyes are completely black. And their voices are of male.]

Beth: Hello, we are two females from this planet.

Barbara: We must find men for dating.

Beth: I am concerned. We do not look like the human women here.

Barbara: Yes, but we must succeed in dating males. That must be your focus.

Brad: I see we’ve got some singles joining us. Get up here ladies and introduce yourselves. Sorry, them’s the rules. Oh, my god! Your eyes! Dude!

Beth: Hello, I am one Beth.

Barbara: And I am the Barbara.

Brad: Um, what are you two looking for tonight?

Barbara: Adult males for dating to produce a child.

Beth: Our kind is dying. A child can restart the world engine.

Barbara: Our twin stars are dimming. Our kind is dying. We need to produce a child now.

Beth: If a child cannot undim the bistars, our world will invert into it’s mantle.

Brad: Ay…. super weird. But we need all the girls we can get. So ladies, have fun tonight.

[Beth and Barbara walk towards Trevor and Max]

Beth: Hello, we are flirting. Now we must date.

Trevor: Woah, you move fast. Ha-ha. I’m Trevor.

Max: I’m Max and your eyes are crazy, but that’s kind of hot.

Barbara: We must date now. Our kind is dying.

[Cecily and Vanessa comes in to approach Trevor and Max

Cecily: Hey guys, um, this thing’s almost done. You guys down for an after party?

Beth: No, go! These men belong to us.

Vanessa: Um, you can’t call dibs on guys.

[Beth and Barbara start making noise and Vanessa is possessed by them and her nose is bleeding.]

Cecily: Oh my god, Paige, your nose is bleeding. Paige!

Vanessa: Who is Paige? Where am I?

[pulling her friend away]

Cecily: We’re gonna sue you!

Trevor: Whoa, damn! You girls are intense.

Max: Ay, you wanna get a drink or what?

Barbara: No, there is not time. Come with us.

[Beth and Barbara pull Trevor and Max with them]

Beth: We will date in here. Our kind is dying.

[They go through the door]

Brad: Alright, FYI, there’s a large glowing crater out front so if you go outside to smoke, watch your stepperini! Ha-ha.

[Beth and Barbara come out of the door. Trevor and Max are turned into skeletons that are behind the door.]

Beth: That did not go well. They were too weak for the act.

Barbara: The act of dating turned them into bones.

Beth: Next time, we must not destroy the male.

Barbara: Yes, we learned our lesson

[two guys approach Beth and Barbara]

Jay: Ay, so we’ve been watching you two and y’all are freak.

Jon: We like that. Can we please buy you a drink?

Beth: Yes. And then give us the child.

Jay: Yeah, we can do that.

Brad: Alright, hey Matchers, if anyone knows about the two warm skeletons in the men’s restroom, please tolerate management. In the meantime, don’t be single. Mingle! Ha-ha-ha.

[The End]

Message From Ted Cruz Cold Open

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Katherine Cruz… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a written video clip.]

Female voice: And now a message from senator Ted Cruz.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Oh, hello. I was just reading my Conscience of Bedtime Story. Now, some of you have already seen me in tonight’s Republican debate in New Hampshire. And if you missed it, here’s a quick recap. I won. I also won the Iowa Caucus. Thanks to endorsements from strong conservatives like Glenn Beck and God Almighty. Now, I’ll admit I’m a non-conventional candidate. I’m not like other politicians. I didn’t get where I am today because I was born wealthy or handsome or charismatic, or nice. I am not cool or likable, or even fine. I’m not young and hip. I am not off the chain. I’m not energetic and healthy. Physically, I’m not doing well at all. From the side, I look like a Far Side cartoon.

In other words, I have overcome perhaps the greatest political liability of all time. Being Ted Cruz. Mine is a story of Triumph over adversity. Like FTR in his wheel chair. But instead of a wheel chair, it’s my personality and face. Now, how have I done this? A few things. First, my family. I would be nothing without the love and support of my incredible family like my daughter Katherine here. Come here sweetie.

[Katherine Cruz walks in]

How about a hug for daddy?

Katherine Cruz: No.

Ted Cruz: Hah, come on now. Give daddy a hug for the camera.

Katherine Cruz: No.

Ted Cruz: Oh come here sweetie. [Ted Cruz leans towards his daughter to get a hug but his daughter pushes him away.] Alright, how about a kiss? [Ted Cruz kisses his daughter on her cheek] I’ll settle for a kiss.

[Katherine Cruz jumps around and leaves]

Love you too, honey. My pride and joy.

My second secret to success, a sense of humor. I am very funny. For example, [giggling] what did Donald Trump do when he lost hour? He threw a Trumper tantrum. [laughing] You can find plenty of more right here in my book. [Ted Cruz holds a book] The book that New York Times went out of their way to call “Not a best seller”.

And the final and the largest key to my success, I’m a sneaky little stinker. From sending out bogus flyers in hour to spreading rumors that Ben Carson had dropped out. I am like the greased pig of politics. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Folks, we’ve had presidents who were governors, generals. Isn’t it time for a president who is just a nasty little weasel? So when you go to the polls this primary season, take a good look at your choices and ask yourself, which one of these guys would be played by Paul Giamatti. I’ll see you at the polls and live from New York, it’s Saturday night!