Tag: Taran Killam

Office of the Speaker of the House

William… Drake

The Speaker… Taran Killam

Dick Patterson… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

[Starts with the Office of the Speaker of the House.]

William: Mr. speaker, how was your meeting with Donald Trump?

The Speaker: Well, it went very well, William, but between me and you, he still makes me very nervous.

William: Me too, sir.

The Speaker: Yeah, bud. It is mid-May. We don’t have time to find a third party candidate.

William: Actually, sir, I think I found the perfect guy. He’s a successful businessman.

The Speaker: That’s great.

William: He worked for Reagan in the 80s.

The Speaker: Oh, fantastic.

William: And he has the body of a baby.

The Speaker: I’m sorry, what was that last one?

William: Please meet Mr. Patterson, sir.

[Dick Patterson walks in. He is a full grown man who cannot control his body well like that of baby’s. He is moving his arms and legs everywhere.]

Dick Patterson: Hello. Don’t get up. I’ll come to you. There we go. Mr speaker, Dick Patterson. Pleased to meet you.

The Speaker: Pleasure is all mine. [Dick Patterson starts licking and sucking The Speaker’s hand] Oh, okay. William here was just telling me some wonderful things about you, Mr. Patterson. Uh, would you give us just one moment please?

[The Speaker walks to the corner with William]

William: Isn’t he great? I mean, he’s fresh faced. He’s experienced. The best of all, he’s young.

The Speaker: Yeah, exactly. How young is he? He’s 5The Speaker and nine months. And we’ve already done a thorough background check.

Dick Patterson: Oh, don’t worry. You won’t find any skeletons in my closet.

The Speaker: [reading Dick Patterson’s files] Alright, well let me take a look here.

[While Dick Patterson is reading the file, Dick Patterson cannot see his face covered by the file.]

Dick Patterson: Where’d he go?

[Dick Patterson lowers the file]

Oh, there he is.

[Dick Patterson raises the file again]

Where’d he go?

[Dick Patterson lowers the file]

Oh, there he is.

[Dick Patterson raises the file again]

Where’d he go?

[Dick Patterson lowers the file]

Oh, there he is. He keeps disapp–

[Dick Patterson raises the file]

Where’d he go?

[Dick Patterson lower the file]

There he is. Found him.

The Speaker: Well, this all looks great. Now, Mr. Patterson. As you know, Donald Trump is technically our nominee, but uh, many people think we’d be better off putting a Turkey on the Supreme court.

[Dick Patterson laughs like a baby]

Dick Patterson: Very funny. Listen, I would be honored to represent this party. [Dick Patterson has his hands moving everywhere] I’m pro-life. I’m pro family and I’m pro guns. I’m actually carrying right now. [Dick Patterson shows a gun in his left hand which is moving everywhere. William and The Speaker are scared.]

The Speaker: Sit down. No, no, no, no, no.

Dick Patterson: Fair enough.

The Speaker: Now before this conversation can go any further, we’re going to need you to sign this confidentiality agreement.

Dick Patterson: Oh, sure. Yeah. Just put it on the floor.

[Dick Patterson lies down on the floor] [The Speaker puts the papers on the floor]

Alright. Let me take a look at this.

[Dick Patterson is looking at the paper]

Alright.

[Dick Patterson signs the papers very roughly]

All set.

The Speaker: I’m sorry, William. I just don’t know if this, we’ll call him man, is ready to be president.

William: Trust me sir. He’s committed. He’s passionate. He’s a hard worker. I mean, look how hard he’s working to get back onto his butt right now.

Dick Patterson: Look. I did it. [clapping for himself]

William: Speaker, I know we’re probably going to go with Trump, but Mr. Patterson would be an excellent backup. He’s tough. He’s prepared. And he’s, he’s, he’s taken off.

[Dick Patterson opens his pants. He’s wearing a diaper.]

Dick Patterson: Okay. There we go. That’s better.

William: Sir, sir, sir. You can just go ahead and put your pants back on if you will.

Dick Patterson: When I don’t want pants.

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Mr. speaker. Sorry to interrupt. You have a two o’clock with Reince Priebus.

[Dick Patterson walks to Cecily]

Dick Patterson: Oh wow. Look at that hair.

[Dick Patterson starts pulling Cecily’s hair]

Cecily: Thank you.

Dick Patterson: Yeah. Really great hair. I love this.

[Cecily is in pain]

Cecily: Thank you so much.

[Cecily gets Dick Patterson’s hands off her hair]

Wow. Quite a grip you’ve got there, Mr. Patterson.

[Cecily leaves]

William: He may have the body of a baby, but his hands are much bigger and stronger than Trump’s if I had to say.

The Speaker: Oh, William. Well, Mr. Patterson, I guess I just have one question left for you. Do you actually want to be president? Think really hard about it.

Dick Patterson: Hmm. [thinking] Yes I do.

William: Alright, you’re our best option, so bring it in.

[William hugs Dick Patterson. Dick Patterson starts kissing William’s face]

Oh, that’s not what we– Oh, okay. I just asked for a hug, but this is fine too. He must be hungry and he’s trying to latch onto me.

The Speaker: [frustrated] It was great meeting you, Mr. Patterson. Enjoy your lunch.

Dick Patterson: I’m gonna eat peas.

[Dick Patterson crawls out] [The End]

Quiz Whiz

Dana… Cecily Strong

Male contestant… Taran Killam

Female contestant… Brie Larson

[Starts with Quiz Whiz intro]

Dana: Hello, and welcome back to Quiz Whiz, 2018. Your favorite game show that as a reminder takes place today in the year 2018. Now, our contestants have been battling it out and are now tied with one question left. Contetants, are you ready?

Male Contestant: All ready, Dana.

Female Contestant: Couldn’t be more ready, Dana.

Dana: Okay. Now, neither of you gotten a single question wrong so far. Which means this is for all the Quiz Whiz glory. First to buzz in with a correct answer win.s

Male Contestant: It’s gonna be me.

Female Contestant: No way, I’ve got this.

Dana: Okay. Well, here’s your question. In the year 2016, Donald Trump won the republican nomination for president. But what was the name of the man who came in second?

[Male Contestant and Female Contestant are thinking]

Male Contestant: Um…

Female Contestant: Shoot!

Male Contestant: Ugh! What was that guy’s–

Female Contestant: God! What was his…

Male Contestant: Oh!

Dana: Now as a reminder, he was on TV for 13 straight months. He was a major player in the election. It was Donald Trump first, John Kasich third.

Female Contestant: Yeah, I know John Kasich.

Male Contestant: Of course, John Kasich. Yeah.

Female Contestant: But who was that other guy that came in second?

Male Contestant: Uh! God! I’m trying to picture him but my brain’s showing me nothing.

Dana: Yes, that’s him.

Female Contestant: I- I can’t even remember his face. I’m just sort of seeing this blah…

Dana: Yeah, yeah, you’ve got it.

Male Contestant: Ugh, gosh! It’s on tip of my– what is it? Oh! Tongue! Yes, it’s on the tip of my tongue but no, I don’t know who the guy is.

Dana: Okay. Maybe this will help. In the final week of his campaign, he began a vicious crusade against transgender people.

Female Contestant: Right at the end?

Dana: Yes. Days before. What’s his name?

Male Contestant: God, I feel like I should know this. I mean, I am transgender.

Dana: Yeah. We all are. It’s 2018.

Male Contestant: Right. Dana, I would like to use my first lifeline. I’d like a visual clue.

Dana: Alright. Hands on your buzzers. Here it is.

[a picture of Carly Fiorina appears on the screen.

[Male Contestant and Female Contestant are looking excited, ready to press the buzzer.]

Male Contestant: Can’t wait for that clue, Dana.

Female Contestant: Tell us when you put up that clue, Dana.

Dana: Well, I just did. that’s it. That’s a photo of Carly Fiorina. She was this candidate’s vice president.

Male Contestant: Wait, what?

Female Contestant: He didn’t win the nomination but he had a vice-president?

Male Contestant: Named Cari Ferrari?

Female Contestant: Dana, I’d like to phone a friend. His name is Crichard. He teaches political history at Harvard and he will know this for sure.

[phone ringing]

Crichard: Hello, this is Crichard.

Female Contestant: Hello Crichard, it’s me. I’m on Quiz Whiz 2018 and I have a question.

Crichard: Oh. One second. I am driving. Let me just pull over to the side. Up the air. This is a flying car.

Female Contestant: Yes, of course. Okay Crichard, in twentysixteen, Donald Trump won the republican nomination.

Crichard: Yes. Yes. I definitely know this.

Female Contestant: What was the name of the man who came in second?

Crichard: Aii! Oh! Ah!

Female Contestant: Crichard, five seconds.

Crichard: Oh, and four and three and two and one and zero. Okay, goodbye.

Dana: Okay contestands, to help you out, we’re gonna give you two letters of his name. Here they are.

[The screen shows “T_ _ C _ _ _”] [buzzer sound]

Male Contestant: Dana, I have it finally. Top Crap.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Dana: Oh. I’m sorry. That’s what he was voted in high school. We are looking for his name. Mark, you’re out.

Male Contestant: Well, I guess I’ll just head back home, on to Mars. You know, its 2018.

Female Contestant: Dana, I know that I can get this and I would like to use my final lifeline.

Dana: Your super clue. Are you sure? It will cost you 1,000 Quizzi-whizzies.

Female Contestant: I’m sure.

Dana: Okay. Are you ready? Here is your super clue. Heidi, he’s your husband.

Female Contestant: Oh, my god. Oh, my god. That is right. I forgot we did- we did do that whole thing together. Oh, god! That was so sad. He like, elbowed me on the face at the end. Okay, yeah. Of course I know what this is. Okay. [presses the buzzer button.] Final answer, Sus. I mean Ted. Cruz. Ted Cruz.

Dana: Yes. That’s correct. Heidi, you win. Thanks for watching. This has been Quiz Whiz, 2018. All hail president Trump.

[Dana, Male Contestant and Female Contestant come together and put their hands on their hearts.] [A picture of Donald Trump wearing King’s Crown is dropped behind them]

All: [singing] Trump my fearless leader
his penis big and true

[The End]

Game of Thrones- Jon Snow

Tormund… Bobby Moynihan

Edd… Beck Bennett

Ser Davos… Taran Killam

Cecily Strong

Brie Larson

Melisandre… Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Jon snow… Pete Davidson

[Starts with the intro of The Game Of Thrones] [Cut to the scene where Jon Snow is dead and his body is lying.]

Tormund: Well, Jon Snow is dead.

Edd: Yes, he’s dead for good. But he might be the heir to the iron throne.

Ser Davos: Oh, well. Not anymore. Because of how dead he is.

Tormund: What should we do with the body? Bury him?

Ser Davos: No. I think with this one, we just leave him out for a few days on this slab so that everyone can see how dead he really is.

Edd: Boy, he is dead.

Tormund: He is the deadest.

Ser Davos: Dead… for sure.

Cecily : Oh, my god. This is so slow.

Brie : Just bring him back to life already.

Cecily : Yeah. We all know it’s gonna happen. Just do it.

Ser Davos: No, it is not going to happen because he is super dead. On a scale of one to ten, he is like a ten of dead.

Edd: Totally, Ser Davos. But wait. Does Jon Snow have to be…

Ser Davos: Have to be what?

Edd: Have to be dead?

Cecily : No! He doesn’t. So let’s wake him up and pop on a horse and fight someone or something.

Brie : Yeah. Because we only get ten hours in a year, people. We spent two in this room.

Cecily : Yeah, right now we’re doing [gesturing stretching with her hands] this and we need to be doing [gesturing running fast with her hands] this.

[Melisandre walks in]

Melisandre: Hello. It is I, Melisandre. Remember? With thousand year old posts?

Ser Davos: Melisandre, seeing you gives me an idea. Can you bring Jon Snow back to life with your magic?

Melisandre: Hmm, maybe. Let me think about for a full ten minutes.

Ser Davos: And while you think, let’s stare both traumatically.

[close cuts to Ser Davos and Melisandre staring here and there]

Cecily : Holy crap. I mean, you guys must feel how slow this is.

Brie : I mean, what is this? A play? Let’s go do something. Our world is so cool. We have giants, we have dragons, we have quidditch.

Cecily : Oh, that’s Harry Potter.

Brie : Oh, whatever.

Ser Davos: I have done plenty of exciting things with my life. Remember last year when I learned to read?

Cecily : No. Actually I went to the bathroom during all those scenes.

[Kenan  walks in]

Kenan : Move aside. I’m here to see Jon Snow. I heard he’s alive again.

Cecily : No. They still haven’t done it.

Brie : He’s still on the slab.

[Kenan  looking at the body]

Kenan : [squeaky voice] Whaaaaat?

Melisandre: Okay. Update. I have decided to do my magic. But a warning. It only works if it’s done very slowly. First, I must wash his body. That’s part of the magic for sure.

[Jon Snow wakes up]

Not yet.

[Jon Snow dies again]

And maybe not ever, my magic may not work. This is real edge of the seat kind of thing. And now, what everyone has been waiting a year to see. I shall cut his hair.

[Jon Snow wakes up]

Not yet, kid!

Jon Snow: [whispering] Sorry.

Melisandre: And now I throw his hair into tiny little fire, one strand at a time.

Kenan : [yelling] Pick up the pace, woman!

Melisandre: Never mind the pace. I’m sure they’re cutting away to King’s Landing or something while I do all this boring stuff.

Cecily : No, no, no. They’re not. They’re staying on us.

Brie : Yeah, they’re showing us. This all in real time.

Melisandre: Wait, they are? A-yai-yai. Abraka-dabra. You’re alive.

[Jon Snow wakes up]

It worked. What a twist.

Brie : Finally.

Cecily : Come on, out to the good stuff.

Jon Snow: I miss my family. Take me to Bran. I wanna see what Bran’s up to.

All: No!

[The End]

Church Lady Cold Open

Church Lady… Dana Carvey

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Melania… Cecily Strong

Ivanka… Vanessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Church Chat intro]

Male voice: And now it’s time for Church Chat.

[Cut to Church Lady]

[cheers and applause]

Church Lady: Thank you. Thank you everybody. Welcome to Church Chat. I’m the Church Lady. You know, it’s interesting times in America, right? And now we’ve landed on the exciting presidential matchup between a god list liberal democrat and Hillary Clinton. But first my favorite event of the week, the Met Gala Ball, the classy evening where strumpets and street walkers and sluts get to parade around in the latest genital fashion. First, we have Madonna. Let’s see what this 57-year-old mother chose to wear.

[Cut to picture of Madonna from behind at the Met Gala]

Look, her fanny’s just hanging out with sturdy straps [Cut to Church Lady] to push those six-decade old bums straight to heaven. Go get Jesus.

And then we have Beyonce. [Cut to picture of Beyonce at Met Gala] She must be thinking, “What should I wear to the ball tonight? [Cut to Church Lady] I know. A giant latex condom. All wrapped up and ready to fornicate.”

Speaking of fornicating, Beyonce made her record called Lemonade about her husband’s affairs. With that in mind, introducing today’s sponsor, Church Lady’s Lemonade.

[Church Lady shows a package of lemonade with her picture on it.]

It’s freshly squeezed just like Jay-Z’s snotty parts.  Too soon? Okay. Alright let’s talk politics, shall we? My first guest is someone I’ve talked about quite a bit here on Church Chat but we’ve never actually met face to face. Please welcome Satan.

[Ted Cruz walks in]

Ted Cruz: Hi there. You can actually just call me Ted Cruz.

Church Lady: Oh, I’m terribly sorry about that. I was just quoting one of your colleagues, Teddy. Don’t get that a bunch. You know, John Boehner, speaker of the house.

Ted Cruz: Oh, sure. No, John’s– Oh, he’s coming up with hilarious nick names for me like Buster, or son of a gun.

Church Lady: I believe the phrase was ‘Lucifer in the flesh’. Yeah, little bit different than Buster. And now you quit the race entirely. Why do you think it didn’t work out?

Ted Cruz: Well Church Lady, I suppose the American people weren’t ready for a candidate with strong Christian values, someone like me who follows the righteous path and lives his faith every blessing moment.

Church Lady: Has anyone ever told you that you’re just a little preachy? Just a little bit. We like ourselves, don’t we. Look at that face. We love ourselves. Coz we think we’re just a little bit– There it is. That’s that happy superior face coz we love Jesus more than anybody.

Ted Cruz: Yes, I do pray to god often and I think everything that happened was part of god’s plan.

Church Lady: Was it? Was it? God’s plan for you to get humiliated by an orange mannequin? That’s kind of an odd plan for god to have for you, isn’t it? Tell me Ted Man Walking, what are you gonna do now?

Ted Cruz: Well actually Church Lady, I’ve been thinking about turning evil for a while. You know? Going to the dark side. I mean, I’ve been told to go to hell so many times I- I think its finally time to check it out. [laughing hardly]

Church Lady: Well, what a fun trip you’re looking forward to. I rarely say this in encouraging way, but see you in hell!

Ted Cruz: Ha-ha, thank you Church Lady. [Stands and walks out laughing]

Church Lady: Alright, very good. Little bit. Just a little bit. Alright, our final guest today is the presumptive republican divorcee– I mean nominee, please welcome the tangerine tornado, Donald J. Trump.

[Donald Trump walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Terrific. Alright there, hi Donny. have a seat. Look at you.

Donald Trump: Hey Church Lady. It’s great to be here. Your place looks tremendous. Believe me, this is one classy fun house.

Church Lady: Actually, this is what we call a church. Something tells me that you’re not a big church goer.

Donald Trump: Oh, I’m a big church guy. I’m there all the time. Sometimes I go even when it’s not church day.

Church Lady: Wow, what a well put statement. Does Donny ever take a gander at the holy scripture?

Donald Trump: Honestly, I love all the books in the bible. I do. They’re all terrific. Corinthians part two. Book of revelations. Two geneses too furious, which says and I quote, “Love thy neighbor as thyself and like a good neighbor stay far as there.” And, “always keep the sabbath huge.” That’s Moses. Oh, and part where Jon Snow comes back to life, that’s great bible.

Church Lady: Well, isn’t that special? Donny, there are those who say you’re not qualified and that’s not true. You know, I remember a Celebrity apprentice episode where Gary Busey didn’t sell enough pancakes and you just said, “You’re fired.” And I thought right then and there, “Give this man the nuclear codes.”

Donald Trump: A lot of people are saying that.

Church Lady: Um-hmm. Speaking of God’s commandments or not, I understand your family is here.

Donald Trump: Oh yeah, that’s right. Get in here guys.

[three women enter]

This is my wife Melania.

Melania: Hello, it’s so wonderful to be here.

Donald Trump: My lovely daughter, Ivanka.

Ivanka: Sort of great to be here as well.

Church Lady: And who’s the third woman down there?

Donald Trump: That’s just another model. I mean she’s great energy to have around.

Church Lady: I’m sure.

Kate: [in Russian accent] Let’s have fun.

Church Lady: It likes all kinds of flash, doesn’t it? Tell me Donald, have you figured out who your vice presidents are gonna be? Somebody who shares your temperament and values? Someone like, oh I don’t know, could it be… Satan?

[Ted Cruz comes in. Now he has horns and fangs. He is there with his minion.]

Ted Cruz: [in demonic voice] I have recurred.

Church Lady: Ted is a demon. My god!

Ted Cruz: I am no longer Ted Cruz. I am Bermagulas, lord of shadows. [laughing]

Donald Trump: You sure you aren’t lord of the weak chins?

[Ted Cruz is angry and looking at Donald Trump]

Ted Cruz: Stop it Donald.

Donald Trump: You’re the first guy who got possessed and looks better.

Ted Cruz: You’re such a jerk, Donald! I’m going back to hell. They’re nicer there.

[Ted Cruz leaves]

Church Lady: Well, that was an eventful Church Chat. Thanks for letting us chatted up with you and right now all I gotta say is…

[Ted Cruz walks in]

Church Lady and Ted Cruz: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

[The End]

Woodbridge High School Showcase

Aidy Bryant

Fred Armisen

Kenan Thompson

Vanessa Bayer

David Larry

Kyle Mooney

Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

[Starts with students introducing their showcase]

Aidy: Welcome everyone to Woodbridge High School Student Theatre showcase.

Fred: Written and directed by us, the students.

[the audience are clapping]

Aidy: Now, before we begin, a warning. Tonight’s show is rated R, for reality check.

Fred: And now, please enjoy, America the beautiful?

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. All the performers enter the stage. The performers are setting up the stage.] [Lights turn on]

Aidy: Ma’am, what’s this?

Kate: That’s the iPhone 6s with 128 gigabytes.

Aidy: Yes. [to next person] Sir, what’s this?

Taran: That’s the new iPad Pro with 12.9 inch display.

Aidy: Yes. [to next person] And sir, what’s this? [showing a flower]

Fred: I don’t know.

Kyle: How about less tech-nology

Beck: And more nature-nology.

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.] [Cut to David, Vaness and Kenan]

David: What? That’s all the show?

Vanessa: No, no, no. The program says it was scene 1 of 85.

David: Oh, yeah. No, I’m not sitting through 85 of these.

[David walks out] [Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Kate: We all know what regular people buy at regular grocery stores.

Kyle: But what do rich people buy at rich grocery stores?

Kate: Let’s find out now.

Beck: [facing Taran] One Hollywood body please.

[Taran acting like he’s processing the orders]

Everybody: Beep-beep.

Fred: [to Taran] One innocent verdict, please.

[Taran acting like he’s processing the orders]

Everybody: Beep-beep.

Aidy: One general election please.

[Taran acting like he’s processing the orders]

Everybody: Beep-beep. Wow!

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.] [Cut to Vaness and Kenan]

Vanessa: You know what sucks? The cast party is at my house. Last year they stayed up until 6 AM just complimenting each other.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Kyle: I have xeca. Cough, cough.

Kate: I have ebola. [sneeze]

Aidy: I have malaria. Malayr-malayr.

Fred: But in high-school, do you know what spreads faster than all of these?

[They start whispering on each other’s ears] [Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Kenan: It’s gonna be gossip.

[Cut to the stage]

Taran: It’s gossip.

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.] [Cut to Vaness and Kenan]

Kenan: No, doy!

Vanessa: Look at this. The program says this show is dedicated to Prince.

Kenan: Yeah, but then they have a picture of Michael Jackson on the back.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Beck: Honey, where’s your prom date? I cannot wait to meet him.

Aidy: Actually, it’s not a him. It’s a her.

[Kate jumps in]

Kate: We’re lesbians.

Everybody: That’s good.

Kate: Nice to meet you, Emily’s dad.

Beck: Actually, I’m not her dad. I’m her mom. I’m transgender.

Everybody: That’s good.

Aidy: And this whole time, none of us were white. We were Asian.

Everybody: That’s good!

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.] [Cut to Vaness and Kenan]

Vanessa: These kids blow. What do they think this is even gonna lead to?

Kenan: Actually, they all just in in NYU.

Vanessa: Oh! Ew!

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Aidy: I have a story. [the other performers start humming] It’s about my little brother. His name is Jackery, but I don’t call him that. I call him hero. Because he has special needs. Doctor said we would need to help him but the funny thing is, he is the one who helped us. And that’s why now, I spell hero with a capital Jackery.

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.] [Cut to Vaness and Kenan]

Vanessa: What? She is my only child. Also, she calls me the R word like everyday.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Fred: For this scene we need a volunteer. How about you in the front row, [Cut to Kenan] pretending to read a tiny book.

Kenan: Who, me?

[Cut to the stage]

Fred: Yes, you. Get up here. Now, we all love to watch violence on TV.

Kate: Band!

Taran: Punch!

Beck: Hit!

Fred: But what happens when we’re confronted by something as simple as the human body?

[Kenan walks to the stage and sits]

Kenan: Oh, no.

[The performers walk to Kenan one by one]

Aidy: My vagina.

Kate: My nipples.

Taran: My scrotum.

Beck: My penis and my brenium.

Aidy: My libia majora.

Kyle: My anus.

Fred: Tell us, sir. Did that make you uncomfortable?

Kenan: Uh, yeah! Coz you’re all kids.

Everybody: Wow!

[The lights go dim and music starts playing.] [The lights turn on]

Fred: Thank you all for coming to our show.

Aidy: Please stay seated for two hour Q&A amongst ourselves.

[Fred raises his hand]

Aidy: Yes you.

[The End]

Escape Pod

Taran Killam

Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Din… Fred Armisen

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a clip of a space ship flying in the space. Subtitle says Andromeda Galaxy, year twentyfifty.] [The space ship is broken and fire breaks down] [Cut to four people panicking in the ship]

Taran: Ah! The evacuation. Great work finding that maintenance tunnel willow.

Beck: We’re too late. There’s only one escape pod left. Why didn’t they wait for us.

Taran: Half the ship is torn apart in a solar storm, Donar. It’s safe to assume they thought we were all dead.

Cecily: Well, one escape pod fits one person. So, who gets to live?

Taran: Alright. [opens his bag] Throw your ID badges in here. I draw your’s, you get the escape pod.

Din: What happens to everybody else?

Cecily: They stay here and wait to die.

[Taran draws an ID[

Taran: It’s Din.

Din: No, you guys. No.

Beck: First fair, Din.

Din: I’m a nobody. I don’t have kids. Why should I get to live?

Taran: It’s what fate decided.

[Din goes to the escape pod.]

Cecily: When you get to that moon base, tell the other colonists what happened here today. Tell them our story.

Din: [sobbing] I will. You’re my best friends. And now, you’re my heroes.

Taran: God speed, Din.

Din: I will tell your story.

[Din presses the button]

Assisting voice: Safety restraint engaging.

Din: You guys are the best.

Assisting voice: Safety restraint engaged.

Din: The world will know your sacrifice.

Assisting voice: Pre launch checklist. Do you wish to eat during the flight?

Din: How can I think about food when my friends are about to die?

Beck: Din, it’s okay.

Assisting voice: Do you wish to eat during your flight?

Din: I mean, I want the option. It’s a long flight. There you go. [presses yes] I’m not gonna even eat it. You know? Coz I’ll be thinking of your sacrifice.

Assisting voice: Select entree from menu.

Din: [frustrated] I don’t deserve an entree. [reading the menu] Korean style chicken with spicy sobe noodles and chobani.

Taran: Hey Din, if you see my wife up there, tell her I love her.

Din: I’ll tell her more than that. I’ll tell her that her husband–

Assisting voice: Select beverage.

Din: Um, vanilla milkshake. That her husband died a hero.

Assisting voice: Make inflight entertainment selection from film database.

Din: What? I don’t think that my friends are giving their lives so I can watch a movie. [looking at the list]

Assisting voice: You selected City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold. Is that correct?

Din: Yes, it’s correct.

Assisting voice: Select seat mode. Standard, relaxed or pampered?

Din: Oh, my god! Why does it even matter? Um, pampered.

[two hands that comes out behind Din start massaging him]

Assisting voice: Activating deep issue massage.

Din: [enjoying massage] Oh, yes. I will never forget you guys. And neither will the world. Oh, that feels so good.

[the door of the escape pod slowly closes.] [Din is saluting at his friends]

Assisting voice: Countdown to launch.

Cecily: I hope he enjoys his first class flight while we wait to die.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Wait! Wait! Oh! The blast fried the escape pod’s computers. They’re all flying directly into the sun. But I found a cargo shuttle below.

Taran: Lead the way.

Beck: What about Din?

[Cut to Din. He is enjoying his milkshake and laughing at the movie]

Taran: I’d hate to interrupt his dinner and the movie.

Cecily: Din, we’ll tell your story.

[Cut to the video clip of escape pod flying into the sun] [The End]

Who Works Here?

Catherine Maeks… Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Jessica… Vanessa Bayer

Donald… Taran Killam

Debra… Sasheer Zamata

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Kevin… Bobby Moynihan

Pete Davidson

[Starts with ‘Who Works Here?’ intro]

Male voice: And now live from the CVS on 14th and first, it’s America’s newest game show ‘Who Works Here?’ with your host Catherine.

[Catherine walks in] [cheers and applause]

Catherine: Hello. Hello everyone and welcome to ‘Who Works Here?’ where contestants have to examine the people wandering this CVS and determine who the hell works here. Now normally, this is when we get to know our contestants but I met them back stage and I gotta say they’re unbelievably dull

[The contestants are smiling and nodding their heads]

So, let’s get started. Jessica you’re up first. Does this person work here?

[Cut to Cecily looking around in the store. She has a blue shirt and a blue hat on.]

Jessica: Hah, well she looks like an employee. [calling Cecily] Excuse me. [Cecily is pretending she can’t hear] Excuse me? [Cecily looks at Jessica angrily] Excuse me ma’am.

Cecily: Ma’am?

Jessica: Sorry. Miss, do you know what isle the hand soap is on?

[Cecily pretends as she didn’t hear her]

Okay, I’m gonna say she does not work here.

[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, I’m so sorry. She’s actually the Assistant Manager but she is on break. And she chooses to spend her break standing motionless in the center of CVS. Donald, you’re up. Does this person work here?

[Cut to Aidy. She is wearing the blue shirt and has a yellow patch on it. She is throwing stuffs around.]

Donald: Well, let’s see. She is actively destroying the store which seems like a bad thing for an employee to do. But she is wearing a button that says ‘Ask me for help. I work here.’ Um, I’m not buying it. She does not work here.

[right answer bell] [Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Hey, correct. She does not work here. She’s just a local vagrant that parades around the store once a day while our security guard takes his usual 40 minute bathroom break. Nice work Donald.

[Cut to Donald]

Donald: Well, I know my way around this CVS Catherine.

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: What does that mean?

[Cut to Donald]

Donald: Just– j– It has isles.

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: See? Dull. Debra, it’s your turn. Does this person work here?

[Cut to Kevin walking around in casual outfit with two gallons]

Kevin: I work here. I work here. I work here. I work here.

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: Well, he keeps saying ‘I work here’. I’m gonna stick with my gut and say that he does not work here.

[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, that was a tough one. But he actually does work here… as a prostitute. I admit that one was very tricky one. Thanks Kevin.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: I don’t work here. Wheee!

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: And now, we move on to our lighting round.

[Cut to Jessica]

Jessica: I’m sorry. Do you mean lightning?

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: No. Lighting. We just flick the lights on and off a bunch and see what kind of weirdos emerge from the back of the store. And you tell us who works here. And go!

[Cut to the isles. The lights are switching on and off. Some people are just running around.] [Cut to Donald]

Donald: Okay, that guy!

[The people running around pause and light focuses on Pete.]

That guy gave me my prescription at the pharmacy but somehow, I don’t think he works here.

[right answer bell] [Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: That’s exactly right. He just showed up and started passing out drugs and no one ever questioned it. Alright, here we go, round two and go.

[Cut to the isles. The lights are switching on and off. Some people are just running around.] [Cut to Debra]

Debra: And him!

[The people running around pause and light focuses on Kenan. He is wearing security uniform.]

That’s the security guard. He used the bathroom for 40 minutes.

[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, so close. But that’s actually a security guard from Right Aid who just comes in to use our bathroom.

[As Kenan puts the magazine back on the shelf, we can see toilet tissues hanging behind him on his pants.]

And he’s putting the magazine back on the shelf. That’s great. And go!

[Cut to the isles. The lights are switching on and off. Some people are just running around.] [Cut to Jessica]

Jessica: Okay, her!

[The people running around pause and light focuses on Kate.] [Cut to Jessica]

There is no way she works here.

[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, she is actually our Assistant Manager.

[Cut to Jessica]

Jessica: You said that the first woman was the Assistant Manager.

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Well, everyone at CVS is at least an Assistant Manager. But interesting side note, she is dead. Died in the store 90 years ago.

[Cut to Jessica]

Jessica: You know, I saw a show about ghost once.

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Wow, great story Jessica. And now, there’s only one person left. [Cut to Leslie. She’s wearing a black suit.] And maybe this will help.

[music playing] [Leslie starts dancing] [Cut to Donald]

Donald: Hmm. I guess I’m gonna say she works here.

[right answer bell] [Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, you’re darn right she does, Donald. She’s actually a full Manager. So technically, all she is to do is dance. And you should dance too Donald because you’re our big winner.

[Cut to Donald dancing]

Donald: Oh, my god! What did I win?

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: I don’t know. I don’t actually work here. Thanks for playing.

[The End]

God is a Boob Man Trailer

Beth… Vanessa Bayer

Taran Killam

Jon Rudnitsky

Sasheer Zamata

Schmul… Kyle Mooney

Judge… Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Governor… Bobby Moynihan

[Starting of a movie trailer]

Male voice: Beth was a small town baker without a care.

[Taran walks in Beth’s bakery[

Taran: Hi there. I’d like to order a wedding cake.

Beth: Of course. Where is the lucky bride?

[Taran looks around]

Taran: He is right here.

[Jon walks to Taran and holds him]

Male voice: Until her fate was tested.

Taran: Now, make the cake.

Male voice: They wanted her to spit in the face of god.

[Beth is making the cake while Taran and Jon are watching]

Taran: I said make the cake.

Beth: I can’t do it.

Male voice: From the makers of God on the Run and Angel in Denim: The Kim Davis Story.

[Cut to Beth and Sasheer behind their bakery.]

Sasheer: What are you thinking? Gays are the most powerful force in America.

Male voice: A story of liberal elites run wild.

Taran: You’ll be hearing from our Jewish lawyer.

[Cut to Beth called in for the case]

Schmul : My name is Schmul from the SOU. You are in lot of trouble, Beth.

Beth: What do you people want from me?

Schmul : My clients just need you to say three simple words.

Taran: [counting the words in his fingers] God is gay.

Beth: But he is not gay. God is as straight as they come.

Schmul : Then I guess we’ll be seeing you in court.

[Cut to Beth walking to the court. The song ‘Fight Song’ by Rachel Platten is playing.]

Beth: Gays are trying to force their agenda. They’re even teaching it in school.

Male voice: Only she has the courage to say.

Beth: [To Sasheer] They say we’re bigot but Christians are the most oppressed group in this country.

Sasheer: Maybe!

Beth: But I’m gonna prove once and for all that god is straight.

[talking in court] If god is gay then why aren’t there any gay priests?

Judge: Miss Walsh, you are on thin ice. You know god is gay. Just admit it!

Beth: No.

Male voice: She needed an aliy.

[Cut to governor’s meeting]

Cecily: Governor, we are the poorest state in the country, second in obesity, third in teen pregnancy. We have to do something.

[Beth walks in the meeting]

Governor: Well, hold that thought. [To Beth] What’s wrong ma’am?

Beth: I wanna deny basic goods and services to gay people.

Governor: [looks around] Everybody out. This is the priority now.

[Cut to the court]

Judge: Last chance miss Walsh. Let’s hear it.

[Beth stands]

Beth: God… is… [Taran and Jon are watching her] a boob man!

[everybody in the court cheer for her]

Male voice: God is a Boob Man. Rated R for graphic gay sexual content.

Cinema Classics Marla Barlett

Reese De’What… Kenan Thompson

William… Taran Killam

Marla Barlett… Julia louis-Drefus

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Cinema Classics intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Cinema Classics on PBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening and welcome to Cinema Classics. I am Reese De’What. Tonight we look back at the career of one of golden era Hollywood’s most accomplished film actresses Marla Bartlett. Inspired by fellow actor Marlin Brando, Marla would sometimes hide snippets of her lines around the set so she could discover them in the moment and deliver them fresh. Why did she go to these lengths? I do not know. I am not a good guesser. Just ask my wife. She said, “Guess what I want for my birthday.” And I said, “Your face from 10 years ago?” Worst IBF appointment ever! Let’s watch a scene from 1953’s classic drama ‘Women Tormented’, starring Marla Bartlett and see if you can spot where she hit he lines on the set.

[Cut to a clip from the drama ‘Women Tormented’]

William: I know you never told me to come back. But I can’t resist you, Elinor. This probably won’t mean much now but I brought you this. [puts a necklace on Marla’s neck] Just a small token of my affection. Do tell me you like it. What do you think?

[Marla looks at the mirror. There is “It’s beautiful, William.” written on the mirror.] [Marla looks around]

Marla: It’s beautiful, William.

William: Then I suppose the only question is, what are we going to do about my wife?

[Marla runs towards the window and opens the curtain. Behind the curtain, it’s written “What if she went”.]

Marla: What if she went…

[Marla opens another curtain. Behind the curtain, it’s written “Missing”.]

missing.

[Cut to William]

William: Are you suggesting what I think you are?

[Marla walks to the shell and looks under it. There’s written “Yes”.] [Marla walks to William]

Marla: [softly] Yes.

William: Are you positive?

[Marla walks to the shell and looks at the ‘Yes’ written under it again.]

Marla: Yes.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Did you see any of her lines? I think I saw like, three. Was that right? [looking around] Hello? Is it just me here? Am I the only one working today? Soon, Marla was completely dependent on the hidden lines. But as filming progressed, her dark secret was exposed that she was too vein for her reading glasses. Let’s watch.

[Cut to the movie clip again]

William: Darling, I can’t go through with this. I love you, but we’re talking about murder.

[Marla walks away and looks behind a pot and reads.]

Marla: Murder is such a strong word.

[Marla picks up a clock and is searching for her lines]

Don’t you think?

[Marla picks up a glass of drink and starts drinking it as her line is written at the bottom of the glass.]

I certainly do.

[Marla picks up an ashtray beside the glass and reads.] [sobbing] Made in China.

[Cut to Marla]

William: But Elinor, if we get caught it would mean the chair.

[Marla runs to William and unbuttons his shirt. There’s her lines written on his chest.]

Marla: William. Don’t be foolish. It’s too late. Far, far too late. I think we both know that. [reads her lines] And now kick me.

William: [whispering] I think it says ‘kiss me’.

Marla: [reads the lines again] No, it says kick me.

William: I guarantee it does not say ‘kick me’.

Marla: Kick me like you mean it.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Did you see that? That other actor looked straight into the camera and gave a little mouth blow like [mimicking the mouth blow]. The director only let him kick her two times before he called cut. Let’s watch one final scene where Marla’s co-star’s frustration is clearly apparent.

[Cut to the movie clip again] [William and Marla are standing facing each other when Kate walks in] Kate: William, how could you?

William: Darling, I’m so sorry. But I have to do this.

[William pulls out a gun]

Kate: Oh, William, why? Why? You love me, remember? Come to your senses.

William: I’m– I’m sorry.

[William shoots at Marla and Marla falls on a piano. Marla is now looking for her lines on the fruits.]

Marla: I’ve been shot.

[Cut to William and Kate]

Kate: Are you sure?

[Marla falls and is crawling towards William and Kate]

William: Where are you going?

Marla: I need the shell that says ‘Yes’.

William: Then why don’t you just say ‘Yes’?

Marla: Shell.

[William brings the shell to her]

Marla: Yes!

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Okay, I don’t think I can do this anymore. We used to do good movies. I don’t know what happened. Well, for Cinema Classics, I have been Reese De’What.

Preparation H Advanced Gel

Jon Rudnitsky

Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

[Starts with two couples waiting for their table in a restaurant] [Jon walks in]

Jon: Please follow me. Your table is ready.

[As everyone walk towards the table, Ron stops.]

Kate: You coming?

Ron: I’ll be there in a second. You go on ahead.

Kate: Okay.

[Beck is looking Ron from behind]

Beck: Hey, man. Hurts to sit down?

Ron: Ah, yeah.

Beck: Burns?

Ron: Yeah.

Beck: You need to try this.

[Beck gives Ron a small package of gel]

It’s a Preparation H Advanced Gel for fast acting relief.

Ron: And this stuff works?

Beck: Yeah. It works.

Male voice: Preparation H Advanced Gel offers maximum strength solutions fo all hemorrhoid symptoms. Don’t let pain stop you from being

[Cut to the two couple enjoying their meal at the table]

Ron: So I loosen my tie, and now I am dancing with the mother of the bride.

[Everyone laughs] [Beck walks in]

Beck: Hey, man. Did that stuff I gave you help your butt?

Ron: Excuse me?

Beck: The hemorrhoid cream I gave you at the bar. Did it end up helping your butt?

Ron: [whispering] What are you doing?

Beck: Your butt was on fire when we met.

[Beck walks away]

Male voice: Preparation H Advanced Gel. Because you’re on the move and in the groove.

[Cut to Ron and Kate dancing]

Kate: What’s got into you? I’ve never seen you dance before.

Ron: Well, you better get used to it coz I have a feeling I’m gonna be dancing a whole lot more from now on.

[Ron looks at the camera and winks] [Beck walks in]

Beck: Hey, I’ve been looking all over for you. You need any more ass cream?

[Ron’s friends stop dancing and are looking at Ron]

Ron: Dude, honestly get away from me.

Beck: I gave you a hot tip and you pretend like you don’t even know me? I saved your bacon, man! [Ron’s friends are looking at them and they are confused] Yeah Ron Head hemorrhoid problem, I do too. Bad. [Beck looks at the camera] That’s why I told Ron about Preparation H. [smiles]

Male voice: Preparation H, the re–

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Hey, Ron, come with me. I gotta put more cream on.

Ron: What?

Beck: I need you to stand in front of the bathroom door. There’s no lock on the door and a girl just walked in on me laying down on the ground with her legs over my head creaming up.

Ron: I am not doing that.

Beck: You’re my best friend.

Male voice: Preparation H. Hemorrhoids fade, friends are forever.

[Beck pulls Ron to the toilet]

Beck: Come on. Stop crapping around.