Swiftamine

Cecily Strong

Taran Killam

Chris Rock

Dr. David Doctor… Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Vanessa Bayer

Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

[Starts with a woman jogging in a park]

Cecily: For years, I suffered from vertigo.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Out of nowhere I’d feel dizzy, disoriented and even nauseous.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: Dremamine helped my flashes upside. And I hadn’t had a flair up in years.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Years.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Years.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Until recently.

[Cut to Cecily jogging]

Cecily: I was jogging listening to spotiy.

[Cut to Taran on his laptop]

Taran: Casually browsing iTunes.

[Cut to Chris driving his car]

Chris: Flipping through the radio.

Cecily: And I heard this new song that I loved.

Taran: I loved.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: I looked to see who it was and that’s when the vertigo hit.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: It was Taylor Swift.

Chris: Taylor Swift.

Taran: Taylor Swift. The whole room started spinnin.

Chris: I felt nauseous. I don’t like Taylor Swift. I know I don’t.

[Cut to the doctor]

Dr. David Doctor: Yes, you do. You friggin lover. Hi, I’m neorologist Dr. David Doctor. Over that last one month, realizing you love Taylor Swift has become the leading cause of vertigo in adults. That’s why, now, there’s Swiftamine. The fast acting antihistamine tablet that’s pink and bubbly, just like Taylor herself.

[Cut to Kenan and his daughters]

Kenan: I took my daughters to a Taylor Swift concert. I did not want to go. I do not get it. But as soon as the concert started, I was on the ground. My daughters say I was slurring the words. And those words were, “Girl can write a song.” They gave me Swiftamine.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: I never got into Taylor Swift because in interview, she’s always like, “I’m Taylor Swift.” It’s like, no. Then the other day, I found myself humming ‘Shake it off’ and I got so dizzy, I fell into traffic. Thanks a lot, Taylor. Just kidding. You’re amazing.

[Cut to Dr. David Doctor]

Dr. David Doctor: Medically speaking, Taylor Swift on set vertigo occurs when one of her songs forces your brain to fight your ears. Your frontal lobe says, “Oof, Taylor Swift. She’s always wearing, like, a Cecily9Kenan0’s bathing suit.” But your ear is saying, “Shut up. This is a perfect song. [Cut to Aidy dancing in a club.] Taylor Swift on set vertigo can strike anytime, any place.

[cut to Leslie in the club]

Leslie: Oh, man! This beat is banging. Who is it?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Taylor Swift.

Leslie: What?

Aidy: [in slow motion and heavy sound] Taylor Swift.

[Cut to Leslie getting triggered]

Leslie: I freaking love Taylor Swift?

[Cut to Dr. David Doctor]

Dr. David Doctor: Swiftamine, for when you realize you love Taylor Swift.

[Leslie gets in dancing behind the doctor]

Leslie: Baby! She got me.

Shark Tank

Cindi… Aidy Bryant

Kevin O’Leary… Beck Bennett

Barbara Corcoran… Kate McKinnon

Daymond John… Kenan Thompson

Mark Cuban… Taran Killam

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi… Kyle Mooney

Abdul Rakim… Chris Rock

[Starts with Shark Tank intro]

Announcer: Welcome back to the Shark Tank where hopeful entrepreneurs try to grow their business with investment from these self made millionaires. Before the break, Cindi from Tulsa tried to win over the two remaining sharks with her Breakfast Pastas.

[Cut to Cindi in the show]

Cindi: So, sharks. Whether it’s pancakes alfredo or spaghetti’s benedict, why not jazz up your morning with Cindi’s breakfast pastas and pancakes?

[Cut to the sharks]

Kevin O’Leary: Nausiating, I’m out.

[Cut to Kevin O’Leary and Barbara Corcoran]

Barbara Corcoran: I like your product. But the only thing I eat for breakfast is a single vitamin and two diet cokes. I’m out.

[Cut to Cindi]

Cindi: I am ruined.

Announcer: Cindi goes home with nothing. But will the sharks bite this time? Next in the tank, it’s Abdul and Ibri, with an idea they say will revolutionize the world.

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: Hello sharks. I am Ibraham Al’Bagdadi.

Abdul Rakim: And I am Abdul Rakim. And our organization is called ISIS.

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: We started with a simple question. How do you read the world of the filthy western pig and the vile Jew?

Abdul Rakim: Now, just a few years later, our small hateful perversion of Islam has grown into a multinational brand.

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: But there’s just one problem. ISIS is growing, TOO FAST. Our resources are too thin. And we need your expertise to help manage our growth.

Abdul Rakim: We are seeking 400 million American dollars in exchange for a Cindi% stake in our new kingdom. So, who is ready to invest in crushing the west?

[Cut to Mark Cuban]

Mark Cuban: Back up. You just gave yourself a evaluation of $Daymond John0 billion. How are you getting that number?

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Abdul Rakim: Well, Mark Cuban, we are making $Mark Cuban million a day on stolen oil.

[Cut to Mark Cuban]

Mark Cuban: Wow. Now that is interesting.

[Cut to Kevin O’Leary and Barbara Corcoran]

Barbara Corcoran: Okay, first of all it’s taking a lot of courage to look you in the eye. And I like that about you. But here’s my problem honey, I’m hearing ISIS, ISIS, ISIS, but your pamplets say ISIL. You’re lacking unified brands.

Kevin O’Leary: Barbara’s right and I don’t need a pamplet. I need numbers. You say you’re growing fast. Show me.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: For you Mr. Wonderful, of course. Alwajj! [Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi, Abdul Rakim and a map]

Abdul Rakim: This map shows our land holdings.

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: We now control this entire region of unusable land.

[Cut to Kevin O’Leary]

Kevin O’Leary: Okay, so what’s so special about your Islamic states? What’s stopping me from going out and doing the exact same thing?

[Cut to Daymond John]

Daymond John: Wait, wait, wait. Back up a minute. How have you managed to grow this fast?

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: Two things, Daymond. A crack social media team and good old fashioned, word of bullet.

Abdul Rakim: By the way Daymond, we are prepared to make your clothing brand Fubu the official retailer of the Islamic states.

[Cut to Daymond John]

Daymond John: I’m listening.

[Cut to Daymond John and Mark Cuban]

Mark Cuban: No, no. Hold on. Just a second, Daymond. When numbers seen too good to be true, they usually are. Genocidal regimes are very tricky business. I’ve been burned before. For that reason, I’m out.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi, Abdul Rakim and the other presenters. The other presenters are putting guns at Mark Cuban]

Abdul Rakim: Stay calm. Stay calm. Mark cuban, surely you can reach a deal with us. You can sign if you can sign Dirk Lewinsky for $25 million.

[Cut to Barbara Corcoran]

Barbara Corcoran: Okay, here’s where I’m at boys. We gotta talk about this logo. I mean, honestly guys, it looks like it was drawn in Microsoft Paint.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: Barbara, we have heard this before. That’s why we kidnapped a graphic designer and chained him to an iMac. Take a look at the new Isis. Alwajj!

[They show the logo of ISIS. The logo has a chameleon.

[Cut to Daymond John]

Daymond John: Come on, man.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: Funny gecko, yeah?

[Cut to Kevin O’Leary]

Kevin O’Leary: I’m sorry. It takes more than a logo to win Mr. Wonderful. I’m out.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Abdul Rakim: May you turn and burn to death with dogs.

[Cut to Kevin O’Leary]

Kevin O’Leary: That’s the fifth time I’ve heard that today.

[Cut to Barbara Corcoran]

Barbara Corcoran: You know what? I like you guys. You’re savvy. Your numbers are amazing. But there’s only one thing holing you back and that’s everything you stand for. I’m out.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: May you only have daughters] [Cut to Barbara Corcoran]

Barbara Corcoran: You know, you remind me of the bad guys in the bible.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Abdul Rakim: Daymond, you’re our only hope.

[Cut to Daymond John]

Daymond John: Well, you know what? I knew I was going to make money with you guys the second you walked into the tank today.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Both: Yes?

[Cut to Daymond John]

Daymond John: Because that’s when I called homeland security to collect your $30 million bounty.

[Cut to everybody] [Police enter the show]

Police: Freeze! Drop your weapons.

Barbara Corcoran: Nice played, Daymond.

Daymond John: Thank you very much.

Barbara Corcoran: Very good.

GoProbe

Jamie Fordyce…Taran Killam

TY Brown… Kyle Mooney

Rawson Silver… Beck Bennett

Doctor… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a picture of GoProbe] [Cut to Jamie Fordyce with a surfing board wearing a surfing suit]

Jamie Fordyce: I’ve been doing this for long time, and there’s never been a camera like GoProbe.

[Cut to video clips of Jamie Fordyce surfing on the ocean waves] [Cut to TY Brown with his skateboard]

TY Brown: Goes where you go, sees what you see.

[Cut to video clips of TY Brown skateboarding] [Cut to Rawson Silver with his skiing board]

Rawson Silver: Is there anything GoProbe can’t do?

[Cut to video clips of Rawson Silver skiing] [Cut to Jamie Fordyce]

Jamie Fordyce: I’ve had adventures all over the world, but when I turned 40, that was a whole new adventure.

[Cut to TY Brown]

TY Brown: I’m not scared to do a 960, but one thing that does scare me is my family’s history of calling cancer.

[Cut to Rawson Silver]

Rawson Silver: That’s why I use Go-Pro. [Cut to commercial shot of GoProbebe with it’s subtitle- ‘For Colonoscopy’]

Narrator: The first GoProbe camera for colonoscopies.

[Cut to Rawson Silver jumping around in a hospital]

Nurse: You ready sir?

Jamie Fordyce: Yeah, Drop in.

[Nurse starts the colonoscopy process]

Ouch!

[Cut to TY Brown lying down in a hospital, raising his legs upwards]

Doctor: Put your legs down sir.

[Cut to Jamie Fordyce in a hospital doing his colonoscopy]

Jamie Fordyce: Now, if I’m not bleeding or boarding, every six months, I’m splunking.

[Cut to Rawson Silver in mountain]

Rawson Silver: This ain’t your grandpa’s colonoscopy.

[Cut to old black&white video where they’re using huge filming camera for colonoscopy.] [Cut to Jamie Fordyce on a beach]

Jamie Fordyce: You’ll be so stopped by the crystal clear picture, you’ll almost forget there’s a camera Rawson Silver feet up your butt.

[Cut to Jamie Fordyce, TY Brown and Rawson Silver drinking beer on a sofa watching TV]

Narrator: And, you can take the footage home and mess around with it.

[Cut to TY Brown at skateboarding park]

TY Brown: Plus, the 4k resolution makes the diagnosing problem hell simple.

[Cut to the doctor and Rawson Silver in the hospital]

Rawson Silver: Sick!

Doctor: Yes!

[cut to the GoProbe video bumper]

Narrator: Go deeper! GoProbe.

Bank Robbers

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Johnny… Bobby Moynihan

Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Sasheer Zamata

Kate McKinnon

Taran Killam

[Starts with a woman walking in the bank] [Cut to people withdrawing and depositing money] [Cut to Aidy screaming. The robbers run in with guns.]

Beck: Everybody listen up. [robbers open their masks] This is exactly what you think it is. So do us a favor and get down on the floor.

[Cut to everyone in the bank getting down.]

Johnny: [yelling] Ay, I said get down on the floor.

[Cut to Kenan scared but standing]

Kyle: Looks like this guy needs a little help. Johnny, get me a chair.

[Johnny brings a chair. Johnny and Kyle nicely helps Kenan to sit on a chair as he couldn’t get down because he was using mobility aid.]

Kyle: Alright, here you go.

Johnny: Wheels. Be careful.
Kenan: Thank you very much.

[the robbers get back to robbing]

Beck: Fine, this is how this is going to work. You do exactly what we say and we’re all going to have a real good time.

[Kyle jumps with his gun pointing at a lady who is still standing]

Kyle: What’s your problem?

Sasheer: [panicking] I don’t know. I’m sorry.

Johnny: Oh, no! Little princess ain’t in fairy tale land no more. Hey, do you want some water? \
Kyle: Sparkling or still?

Sasheer: What?

Johnny: He said sparking [reloads his gun] or still?

Sasheer: Still.

[cut to Kyle getting water from the filter for Sasheer]

Kyle: Okay. Gotta keep hydrated.

Sasheer: Oh, thank you.

[Cut to Kate sitting down. Beck is walking towards her.]

Beck: Every banks gotta have a manager. Right? There she is. Come on, stand up. [Beck holds Kate and pulls her up.] You know the drill. Now, while I take your lovely manager back to the vault, I trust that there ain’t gonna be any interruptions.

[Cut to Johnny]

Johnny: And if we hear one little peep out of any of you, you’re gonna be spending the night at DG cemetery.

[Cut to a man hugging a boy. The boy lets his marble ball go. The ball rolls to Kyle. Kyle picks it up and walks to them.]

Kyle: Does this belong to you little boy?

[Cut to the man and the boy]

Taran: Do not hurt my son.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Oh, we ain’t gonna hurt him. We’re just gonna teach him a lesson. On how learning can be fun.

[Kyle wears a cap and starts teaching the boy]

Greetings, I am a union soldier. The year is Beck8KateJohnny and I am Beck9 years old. I am very hungry. And the winters are blistering cold.

[Cut to the man and the boy]

The boy: Wow, cool!

[Cut to Kyle] [Johnny walks in with a hat] Johnny: And I am a confederate soldier. On the battlefield, we are enemies. But at home, we are brothers.

[Cut to Aidy screaming] [Kyle walks to Aidy]

Kyle: You think that’s scary? [Aidy was watching a movie on TV] Wait till you find out that she is actually– Wait! I’m going to ruin it.

[Johnny walks in with popcorn.]

Kyle: Hey, you need any butter?

Aidy: Yes, please.

[Kyle puts the butter on popcorn.] [Cut to the vault. Kate is putting the money in the bag.]

Beck: I just realized, I know exactly what a girl like you needs.] [Kate looking worried] Kate: What?

Beck: Something like this. [Beck puts on a puppy pin on her coat]

Kate: Charlie!

[blasting sound] [Aidy screaming] [Cut to Johnny and Kyle. They popped the confetti blaster. They bring a cake for Aidy with birthday candles.]

Johnny: Surprise!

Aidy: How did you know?

Kyle: We stole your wallet!

[Beck comes in running]

Beck: Alright everyone. Thank you so much for your cooperation. And now, we finally get to finish this song and dance.

[The robbers put guns away and start singing and dancing]

Look I got the money, sorry if we scared you

now it’s time to go.

[Robbers point the guns again and walk out]