Nicole Wallace… Kate McKinnon
Camille Vasquez… Aidy Bryant
Johnny Depp… Kyle Mooney
Elaine Charlson Bredehoft… Heidi Gardner
Leonard Green… Kenan Thompson
Tasha… Ego Nwodem
Sophia… Melissa Villaseñor
Jamal… Chris Redd
[Starts with show intro]
Male voice: This is an MSNBC News Special Report.
[Cut to Nicole Wallace in her set]
Nicole Wallace: Good evening. I’m Nicole Wallace. And you’re watching MSNBC news because you have nowhere else to place your anger. Tonight, political fallout from the recent January 6 subpoenas, updates on the Russian helicopter taken down by Ukraine, plus a nationwide shortage of baby formula. But we start of course, with the Johnny Depp – Amber Heard cuckoo trial. Look, I know it’s not the most pertinent story of the moment. But with all the problems in the world, isn’t it nice to have a news story we can all collectively watch and say, “Oh, glad it ain’t me.” I thought so. We take you now to live coverage.
Camille Vasquez: Mr. Depp earlier in this trial, you mentioned that Miss Heard left fecal matter in your bed.
Johnny Depp: That is correct. Yes.
Camille Vasquez: And how did that make you feel?
Johnny Depp: I felt very, very sad.
Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection. Your Honor, we’ve been through this. There’s no actual proof that this ever happened.
Judge: Sustained. Where are you going with this, counselor?
Camille Vasquez: Your Honor, we’ve recently found surveillance footage of the house staff discovering the alleged fecal matter on Mr. Depp’s bed.
Judge: Oh, word?
Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection, that still wouldn’t prove my client is guilty of anything.
Judge: That’s true, but I’ll allow it because it does sound fun. And this trial is for fun.
Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: What?
Camille Vasquez: Thank you, your Honor. Mr. Depp. Can you tell us who that is?
[a video is being played on a TV. Leonard Green is inside Johnny Depp’s room]
Johnny Depp: Well, that’s my property manager Leonard Green. I guess he’s doing a routine check around the house.
[Cut to the video]
Leonard Green: [on the phone] Yeah, man. You know, she cut that joker’s finger off, right? If I’m lying, I”m flying. Hold on a second. [smells around] Damn! Smell like booboo in here. It’s coming from this bed. [looks under the blanket.] Oh, hell no! That’s a booboo.
Camille Vasquez: And there you have it. They found the dookie.
Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection, your Honor. That is pure speculation.
Judge: Overruled. I’d like to see more of this video.
Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Why?
Judge: Cuz it’s funny. Please continue.
[Cut to the video]
Leonard Green: Ay, Tasha! God damn, I hate this job.
[Tasha walks in]
Tasha: Why you yelling my name like you crazy?
Leonard Green: Look at this.
Tasha: Eww! Hell, no. Why didn’t you just go in the toilet?
Leonard Green: I didn’t do this.
Tasha: Well, who did it then?
Leonard Green: I don’t know. Maybe the dog?
Tasha: No, no, no. That mess ain’t come out of no dog. That came out of a dehydrated adult.
Leonard Green: Maybe the wife did it?
Tasha: Now, why would she booboo in her own bed?
Leonard Green: Well, remember, she already cut the boy’s finger off. And my dad always told me, if a girl cut your finger she will booboo in your bed.
Tasha: Now, why are you taking a picture of it?
Leonard Green: Cuz, it looked just like the emoji.
Tasha: Man, what is wrong with white people?
Leonard Green: I don’t know, but you need to clean this up before Mr. Johnny get back.
Tasha: Oh, no, that ain’t my damn job. I am a landscaper.
Leonard Green: Well, this fertilizer?
Tasha: Um-umm. Sophia!
Leonard Green: Sophia!
[cut back to the court]
Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection your honor. How much of this video do we have to watch?
Judge: We don’t have to watch any of it. But we want to. So hush. Now, who’s this Sophia person?
Johnny Depp: Oh, she’s my cleaning lady.
Judge: Mr. Depp, are you finding this trial amusing?
Johnny Depp: A little. Yes.
Judge: So am I. You’re bad, Captain Jack.
[cut to the video. Sophia walks in.]
Sophia: Hola. Como estas.
[Leonard Green shows Sophia under the blanket.]
[speaking Spanish]
Tasha: Um-hmm, yeah.
Leonard Green: It’s booboo, Sophia.
Sophia: Exactamente. Como li- mochi.
Leonard Green: See? I told you.
Tasha: Sophia, you got to clean this up, okay?
Sophia: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Leonard Green: Yes, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
[Jamal walks in the room]
Jamal: Man, y’all seen somebody do a dangling on the walls with blood. I hate this damn job so much. Wait, what’s that smell? [Leonard Green shows Jamal under the blanket.] Oh, ha-ha-ha. So you really did it, man. You finally quitting?
Leonard Green: I didn’t do this. It was the wife.
Sophia: And you got to clean it up, Jamal.
Jamal: Oh, hell no. I just do the laundry.
Sophia: Yeah, and that’s laundry, bro.
Jamal: Damn, I hate this job.
[cut back to the court]
Judge: Okay, I think I’ve seen enough. This trial has given me a lot to consider. On one hand, I believe Mr. Depp’s story. But on the other hand, your constant little smirk let’s me know that this is not the first woman you’ve made so mad that she pooped in your bed.
Johnny Depp: I guess I have been known to be a full nightmare.
Judge: Yeah, right. Okay, either way, I’m just so glad this ain’t me. And…
All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.