Weekend Update- Woman Wins Back-to-Back Lottos, Child Arrested for Touching Teacher

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Cleopatra at right top corner.]

Michael Che:  Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a tunnel that they think leads to the long lost tomb of Cleopatra. Cleopatra’s, of course, the enchanting queen who seduced both Mark Antony and Julius Caesar, I assume because she’s really funny or something? I don’t know.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Woman wins $400K in back to back lottos” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A woman in Delaware won $400,000 after hitting back to back lottos in the same day. But the woman says she’s still going to keep her day job, forging lottery tickets.

The US Air Force is denying that its pilots intentionally flew a flight path that created a giant penis pointed at Russia. Even worse, they then fired missiles.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “White student assaults two black students” at right top corner.]

Michael Che:  A white student at the University of Kentucky was arrested after she was caught on video using a racial slur and assaulting two Black students. She has been charged with one count of impersonating a police officer.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “10 year old arrested for touching teacher’s breast” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A 10 year old boy in Florida faces misdemeanor battery charges after he allegedly touched a teacher’s breast. Because, under Florida law, students are required to wait for their teacher to make the first move.

 

Parent-Teacher Conference

Mrs. Walkerson… Ego Nwodim

Mr. Walkerson… Kyle Mooney

Teacher… Jason Sudeikis

[Mrs. Walkerson and Mr. Walkerson visit Teacher]

Mrs. Walkerson: Knock, knock.

Mr. Walkerson: Hey, there.

Teacher: Oh, hey. How are you doing? You must be Mr. an Mrs. Walkerson. Right? Great. Please, take a seat. I have heard so much about you two from Skyler.

Mr. Walkerson: Really? Like what?

Teacher: Oh, I’m sorry. Not really. That’s just something I say to all the parents. I apologize for the small chairs.

Mrs. Walkerson: No, it’s alright. But I look ridiculous sitting on this thing.

Teacher: No. Stop. You look great.

Mrs. Walkerson: You know what? I’ll take it.

Teacher: Ah, well, so here’s the headline. Skyler is one cool kid.

Mr. Walkerson: Trust me, he gets that from his mom.

Mrs. Walkerson: Aww, sweetie! Well, first of all we want to thank you for teaching our son to love reading.

Mr. Walkerson: Yeah, he reads every night . It’s amazing.

Teacher: Well, I mean he’s a smart kid. The reading part was easy. The math stuff however, he’s having a tougher time with. Especially, fractions.

Mr. Walkerson: Right, yeah. Now, that he got from me. [laughing]

Teacher: Wow. [to Mrs. Walkerson] I mean, you have a very infectious laugh.

Mrs. Walkerson: Thank you.

Teacher: My pleasure.

Mr. Walkerson: Yeah. [feeling awkward] So, fractions, right? That’s Skyler’s main problem?

Teacher: Yeah, exactly. You know what, I just think he finds math a little boring. Which I get, trust me. But he may need some additional help. Tutor perhaps.

Mr. Walkerson: I see. Yeah. We can do that.

Mrs. Walkerson: Yeah. And are you available?

Teacher: I mean… in what sense?

Mr. Walkerson: Well, you tell me…

Mrs. Walkerson: To tutor our son.

Teacher: No. I don’t see students outside school. It’s just a little rule of mine.

Mr. Walkerson: Seems smart. And how would we find a tutor?

Mrs. Walkerson: Well, do you ever break the rules?

Teacher: Yeah, sometimes. Kind of depends who’s asking.

Mrs. Walkerson: Well, I’m asking.

Teacher: Okay, then.

Mr. Walkerson: I’m sorry. So, yes, you are gonna tutor Skyler? Or…

Teacher: No, no, no. Definitely not. But you know, I do have a list of tutors vetted by the school here.

Mr. Walkerson: Yeah. That’d be great. Yeah. Thank you.

Mrs. Walkerson: Hey, I don’t see your number here.
Mr. Walkerson: He’s not available. He just said that. And you’re not worried about his development or anything, right?

Teacher: No, no, no. Skyler is a total sweetheart. In fact, I’m trying to think. I don’t think I’ve had to punish the little guy once.

Mrs. Walkerson: Punish? Okay. Wow. You did not strike me as the punishing type.

Teacher: Well, you don’t know me very well. Do you, Miss thang?

Mr. Walkerson: Okay, I’m not crazy about the whole miss thang. But anyway, thanks for meeting with us. Yeah, we’ll take a look at this list. And have a great night.

Teacher: Yeah, you too. Enjoy.

[Teacher stands]

Mrs. Walkerson: Wait! Are you mad at me?

Teacher: What makes you think I’m mad at you?

Mrs. Walkerson: I don’t know. You seem mad at me. Mr. Mad.

Teacher: Trust me, if I was mad at you, you’d know.

Mr. Walkerson: Well, so, I’m not– I’m actually getting a little mad right now.

Mrs. Walkerson: Well, what are you gonna put me in time out?

Teacher: I don’t know. You deserve it?

Mrs. Walkerson: You tell me. You’re the one in charge.

Teacher: Say it again.

Mrs. Walkerson: You’re in charge.

Teacher: You’re damn right.

Mr. Walkerson: What the hell is going on here?

Teacher: [stands] I want you to walk that sweet thing over to the chalkboard here and write “I’ve been bad”, okay?

Mrs. Walkerson: Yes, sir. Right away.

Mr. Walkerson: Hey, listen pal, I don’t know if you think I’m the kind of guy who just stands by and watches this sort of thing happen with his wife, but I’m not.

Mrs. Walkerson: Should I use the little chalk or the big chalk?

Teacher: I’d say you give the big chalk a shot.

Mrs. Walkerson: Okay. I’m not used to chalk this big.

Mr. Walkerson: Good one, babe. Ha-ha-ha. I’m serious, man. That’s my wife. I’m- I’m gonna do something.

Mrs. Walkerson: I have never felt this way before.

Teacher: I know.

Mrs. Walkerson: I want you so bad.

Teacher: Then have me, my love.

[Mrs. Walkerson and Teacher start to make out on the teacher’s desk]

Mr. Walkerson: No! I’m not messing around, okay? I’ma count to three.

Teacher: Hold this. [passes Mr. Walkerson his glasses]

Mr. Walkerson: Okay. One. Two. Two and half. Two and five seven. Oh, I’m so bad at fractions.

A Teacher

Kyler… Andrew Dismukes

Ms. Williams… Ego Nwodim

Principal… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with a video clips from a school show]

Male voice: The most stirring show of 2020 about an elicit affair between teacher and student. And now, a sneak preview of season two of “A Teacher.”

[The class is over. Kyler walks to the teacher.]

Kyler: Hey, I know that the class is over but I wanted to talk to you alone. I’m struggling and need extra help to go to college and I can’t stop thinking about you, Ms. Williams. Or should I call you Nicole?

Ms. Williams: What are you talking about?

Kyler: I wanted to just spend some extra time together.

Ms. Williams: You think you cute?

Kyler: Well, I’m more mature than the other kids.

Ms. Williams: Excuse me, young man. Did you think we were going to [bleep]?

Kyler: I mean, I don’t know.

Ms. Williams: You’re pulling a C- in my class. That’s not hot for me. You can barely read.

Kyler: I thought maybe we could– [Ms. Williams raises her eyebrows] Never mind.

Ms. Williams: No, no. I want you to go ahead and walk me through it. You invite me to your… what? We hook up in the back seat of your bike?

Kyler: Or we could go to your car.

Ms. Williams: No. We’re not doing it in my car. My car is new.

Kyler: That’s cool.

Ms. Williams: You think I have enough money to throw this job away for your limp ass little leaner that can do nothing for me? What did you think this was?

Kyler: You were giving me help with the SATs. I thought it was special.

Ms. Williams: Oh, you thought I wanted to have sex with someone who can’t do the SATs? You keep circling the bubble instead of filling it in. You think that’s sexy?

Kyler: A little.

Ms. Williams: You know what? Let me enjoy my lunch break.

Kyler: Ms. Williams. I can’t stop thinking about you.

Ms. Williams: Why? I stop thinking about ya’ll the minute you talk out of this classroom.

Kyler: See? You’re so confident.

Ms. Williams: Yeah, I’ve got that swagger that you have when you’re not a pedophile. Don’t see a lot of confident pedophiles, do you? That swagger when you have a healthcare and a parking spot. God, I hate kids.

Kyler: You don’t understand. I love your class.

Ms. Williams: Name one president.

Kyler: Huckleberry?

Ms. Williams: Oh my god!

Kyler: Kermit?

[Principal walking in the hallway finds them in class.]

Principal: Ms. Williams, what’s going on in here? Are you having an inappropriate relationship with this student?

Ms. Williams: No, principal Miller. God, no.

Principal: Because he’s my boyfriend and we’re in love.

Ms. Williams: Oh my god! Are women still doing this?

Principal: They are. I am.

Ms. Williams: So, how are you the principal?

Principal: Well, that’s a good question. You see, I used to be a prison guard who let prisoners out because I loved them and now I work here.

Ms. Williams: Okay, this is ridiculous. Will someone say “kidding” so I don’t have to do no paperwork?

[Principal’s phone beeps. She looks at the phone and finds out that it’s Kyler’s birthday.]

Principal: Kyler, it’s your 18th birthday today. We can finally be together.

Kyler: Na, this just isn’t hot for me anymore.

Principal: Right. Me neither. Ha-ha.

[bell ringing]

Ms. Williams: There goes my lunch break.

Male voice: “A Teacher”, haven’t we learned?

Weekend Update on Oklahoma Teacher’s Arrest

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of police car at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A teacher in Oklahoma who was participating in the state wide teacher walkout was arrested for having sex with a student. Worse, she had to pay for her own supplies. [picture changes to condoms.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bill Cosby at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: For shame.

Michael Che: You’re wrong about that.

Colin Jost: A topless woman was arrested outside of Bill Cosby’s sexual assault trial after she jumped a barrier and charged at the comedian. Responded Cosby, “Ah, I think I’m gonna like court.”

[Picture changes to Mark Zuckerberg at left top corner.]

This week, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg testified before congress for a total of 10 hours and exactly zero blinks. I don’t understand why he needed a congressional hearing to find out that Facebook is selling our data. I mean, they have to make money somehow. We use Facebook every single day for free. Would you rather get a monthly bill and have to go through it like, “There’s no way that I clicked on a 147 ‘Dog Befriends Turtle’ pictures.” People have to realize that everything you do on the internet has consequences. It’s like sending a picture of your penis and thinking, “She won’t forward this to all her friends, right? I mean, I’m Brett Favre.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a woman doing yoga at right top corner. There’s a baby goat beside her.]

Michael Che: A new yoga class is being offered in New York in which people exercise with goats. The way it works is, it doesn’t.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are picture os Argentinian flag and marijuana leaf at right top corner. Colin Jost is looking down going through the papers. Suddenly, he looks at the camera laughing.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] I did not know it was coming back to me.

Michael Che: Slides, dude!

Colin Jost: I did not know it was coming back to me. Eight police officers in Argentina were fired after more than a ton of marijuana disappeared from a warehouse and they claimed it was eaten by mice. For reference, this is what a mouse who ate one ton of marijuana would look like. [Picture changes to Miley Cyrus wearing mouse dress.]

[Picture changes to an alarm clock.]

According to a new study, people who stay up late at night are more likely to have psychological disorders and an increased risk of dying. So, if you’re watching this live right now, I’ll see your crazy ass in hell.

Hotline Bling Parody

Drake… Jay Pharoah

Father… Beck Bennett

Teacher… Taran Killam

Tax guy… Donald Trump

Ed Grimley… Martin Short

[Starts with Jay Pharoah mimicking Drake’s Hotline Bling music video]

Song: I know you make fun of my…
I know you, I know you
I know you make fun of my dance moves
turn me into meme and gifs
but I’m proud of my dance moves
coz lots of people dance like this
bet your father dance like me

Old man: Like I just turned 53.

Song: Your physics teacher dance like me

Teacher: Dancing in the homecoming

Song: I just let the music make me move
Shimmy like a drunk guy when his team scores
do a little cha-cha at the dance floor
never seen a rapper dance like this before?
I’m standing by my dance moves
I call this one the sneaky fish
I bet y’all like this dance move
and this one’s called the miracle whip

Old man: You know when I sway my hips
I do cool things with my lips

[Ed Grimley is dancing]

Song: Ed Grimley invented this
taught me how to jump and twist

Ed Grimley: Drizzy Drake has stole my moves and that’s no lie.

Song: Yeah, you’ve been waiting for this moment
well people, here it is
dads are getting in on this
teachers getting in on this

[Donald Trump as tax guy dancing Hotline Bling.]

your tax guys getting in on this

Donald Trump: [singing] You used to call me on the cell phone

Song: Lots of people dance like this

Donald Trump: [singing and dancing] You used to call me on the cell phone

Song: I swear it’s cool to dance like this

[Everybody is dancing Hotline Bling]

[The End]

Career Day

Mrs. Riley… Leslie Jones

Teacher… Cecily Strong

Mr. Ronion… J.K. Simmons

Jake… Pete Davidson

Kyle Mooney

Sasheer Zamata

Fireman… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a vet doctor speaking in front of the class in Career day..]

Mrs. Riley: Now, with kittens, it’s usually the cute ones that scratch you.

Teacher: Ah! Thank you Rachel’s mom, [Mrs. Riley goes back] for talking to us about being a veterinarian. [Cut to Teacher] Okay. Career day continues with Jake’s dad.

[Cut to the class. Everybody is clapping.]

Mr. Ronion: Thanks. [walks in front of the class] Hey, buddy!

Jake: Hey, dad!

[Cut to Mr. Ronion]

Mr. Ronion: Hi, I’m Mr. Ronion. And I am a Japanese messy boy. I know, what is that? Well, there is a small group of rich powerful Japanese women enjoy watching muscular older American men eat messy food in a sloppy almost childlike way. And I do that for a living.

[Cut to the students. Jake has his ears closed.]

[Cut to Teacher]

Teacher: Um, we usually ask our parents to describe a typical workday. But it’s up to you.

[Cut to Mr. Ronion]

Mr. Ronion: I’d love to. On appointment days, I am driven to a huge empty mansion and ushered into a changing alcove where I disrobe and put on a pair of little boy’s underpants. I know, get out the giggles. I said ‘underpants’.

[Mr. Ronion opens his briefcase]

I also wear this bib. [Bib that says ‘Lil Missy’.] And this hat. [A little boy hat]

[Cut to everybody]

Here, you guys can pass that around if you like.

[Mr. Ronion hands over the cap to the students.]

I then sit at a three small white table in a very small red plastic chair and eat a meal while the wealthy Japanese woman watches and silently judges me.

[Cut to Kyle raising his hand]

Kyle: What kind of food do you eat?

[Cut to Teacher]

Teacher: No, you know what? We don’t need to take up any more Mr. Ronion’s time.

[Cut to Mr. Ronion]

Mr. Ronion: No! Not a problem. Well, the food changes but it’s always sloppy. Overstuffed meatball sammies, beeforoni, a large hamburger that’s difficult to manage.

[Cut to Sasheer raising her hand]

Sasheer: Do you get a napkin?

[Cut to Mr. Ronion]

Mr. Ronion: Oh, I wish! No, no, no. Japanese messy boys are forbidden from using napkins. After I finish the meal, the woman stands and says “Kono Americahito moto kau”, which translates roughly as, “The American boy eats in the manner of a pig.” She then storms out and an assistant hands me $45,000 in cash. Any questions?

[Cut to everybody. Everybody including students and parents are raising their hands.]

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: I forgot to ask Mrs. Riley. What’s the hardest part about being a vet?

[Cut to Mrs. Riley]

Mrs. Riley: Mean dogs. [turns to Mr. Ronion] Man, how the hell did you get a job like that?

[Cut to Mr. Ronion]

Mr. Ronion: Well, I was approached leaving my tennis club. A Japanese man in a suit was waiting in my car with a wooden box with a cocoon inside. And he said, “Careful this”, and split. Three weeks later, when the butterfly finally came out, hand to god, there was a piece of parchment attached to it’s freaking leg with an address on it. Jakie was there. You remember the butterfly, buddy?

[Cut to Jake being embarrassed]

Jake: Yap!

[Cut to Mr. Ronion]

Mr. Ronion: He’s embarrassed. So cute.

[Cut to Teacher]

Teacher: And, um, any more questions?

[Cut to everybody. One of the parents is raising his hand.]

Fireman: Hey, man. I don’t have a question but you get paid to eat like a pig. I mean, you’re my hero. And that’s coming from a fireman.

[Cut to Mr. Ronion nodding his head. His phone rings.]

Mr. Ronion: Oh! Getting a call on my work phone. Hey, do you guys wanna hear it?

[Cut to Mrs. Riley]

Mrs. Riley: Oh, please put that on speaker. Please.

[Cut to Mr. Ronion. He puts the phone on speaker.

Mr. Ronion: Yes, Mr. Nakomoto.

Guy on the phone: We really pick up a messy boy in 10 minutes. Today, barbecue rib. Client expect big mess.

Mr. Ronion: Got it, thank you sir.

[Mr. Ronion hangs up the phone]

Okay, um, [Mr. Ronion takes back his boy hat] well guys, I gotta run. Um, you heard the man. So, I guess if you have any more questions, Jakie can fill you in.

[Cut to Jake looking embarrassed]

Jake: Can’t wait.

Mr. Ronion: Oh, and tell your mom I’ll be eating dinner at work tonight.

Jake: Got it! Got it!

[Cut to everybody]

Fireman: Whoo! Living the dream, messy boy! Yeah! Messy boy!