Tag: Ted

Couples Counselor

Ted… Jake Gyllenhaal

Melissa Villaseñor

Dr. Wyatt… Punkie Johnson

Girlfriend… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with a couple in couple’s therapy]

Ted: Well, you did it. You got me to couples therapy. Let’s see if this works.

Melissa: I promise it will Ted. She’s the highest rated therapist on ZocDoc. This will be good for us.

[Dr. Wyatt walks in]

Dr. Wyatt: I am so sorry about that. I was just on a call. I am Dr. Wyatt. Tell me what brings you in here today?

Melissa: I’m just not sure if Ted really loves me anymore. He’s always locked in his basement reading anime.

Ted: It’s manga, sweetie. It’s only the most important art form of the MelissaTedst century.

Melissa: What about me, Ted? Am I important?

Dr. Wyatt: Guys, let’s try to work together instead of attacking each other. Okay? [phone ringing] I’m sorry. Do you mind if I take this? [answering the phone] Bitch I told you not to call me while I’m working. Oh really? Oh, you gonna shoot me? Well, I’d like to see your try. Come through bitch. It’s on site. [hangs up the phone] Now, as I was saying, it is all about communication.

Ted: I’m sorry. Did somebody just threaten to shoot you?

Dr. Wyatt: No, no. She doesn’t even know where I work. Have you always been afraid of conflict?

Ted: Well, I wouldn’t put it like that. I mean, I– [Dr. Wyatt’s phone ringing again] Well, you need to get that?

Dr. Wyatt: No, this is your time. Please continue.

Ted: I mean, I guess I don’t love conflict. And my father was an angry guy. Especially if he was drinking.

Dr. Wyatt: Okay, I– Actually I do have to take this. But hold that thought because anger is never the answer. [answering the phone] Yeah, hoe, where you at? Okay, cuz I’m at 453 Union Street, 5th floor. And there’s three of us in here. And we all strapped. [hangs up the phone] Now where were we?

Melissa: Well, honey, what’s strapped? Are we strapped?

Ted: No, no, we are not. Should we leave?

Dr. Wyatt: Absolutely not. Matter of fact, this is the perfect opportunity to practice expressing our emotions. [couple of text message notifications] Let’s try an exercise. Okay. Why don’t you read these texts to me from my partner and tell me how you would respond.

[Dr. Wyatt hands over the phone to Ted to read the text messages]

Ted: Okay, fine. [making voice] Girl.

Dr. Wyatt: No. Don’t do that voice.

Ted: Okay. Girl, you think you’re the only one selling fish out in the streets? But I don’t need your stinky tuna when I get a beach full of fresh pink salmon every time it rains. I’m a bring a gun to your office. Okay, I’m calling the police.

Dr. Wyatt: Ha-ha-ha. She’s not serious. [someone’s knocking the door] Oh lord, hit the floor.

Melissa: Oh my god. I thought you said she wasn’t serious.

Dr. Wyatt: She’s not.

[Girlfriend walks in with a water gun]

Girlfriend: What’s good, bitch! Now, everybody’s getting super stoked.

Dr. Wyatt: Oh, no, baby. This is my work week. What is this all about?

Girlfriend: I don’t know. Maybe you should ask Clarissa. Ain’t that who you’ve been texting?

Dr. Wyatt: I haven’t been texting nobody.

Ted: [looking at the phone] Actually, you did text Clarissa.

Girlfriend: That’s it. I’m about to get my real gun.

Dr. Wyatt: No, no, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait. Can you open the Clarissa texts and read her what I said?

Ted: Me? Okay, sure. [making voice] Girl.

Girlfriend: Do not do the voice.

Dr. Wyatt: Don’t do that.

Ted: Fine. Girl you think I want your two day old cat fish when the tilapia I get at home is so wet, it makes the river jealous. Lose this number or I’ll set your car on fire. Okay I don’t want to read these out loud anymore.

Girlfriend: Baby, that’s what you were saying to her?

Dr. Wyatt: Yes, baby.

Girlfriend: Okay. Well then, I got a little text for you. [Girlfriend sends a text message to Dr. Wyatt]

Dr. Wyatt: [to Ted] Could you read that to me?

Ted: Or she could say it to you.

Dr. Wyatt: Oh come on, please.

Girlfriend: Read the damn text.

Ted: Fine. Girl–

Dr. Wyatt: Wait! Give me the voice.

Ted: [making voice] Girl, why we catfish when our love is the whole damn ocean? [looking at Melissa] Deep and wide and wet as hell.

Melissa: Oh Ted, is that how you really feel?

Ted: I think so.

Dr. Wyatt: [clapping] Oh my god. I think we have made a lot of progress here today.

Melissa: You did all this to help us on purpose?

Dr. Wyatt: Yeah. Let’s just go with that. Okay, that will be $675, no insurance, cash only.

Girlfriend: Or else…

Ted Cruz Sesame Street Cold Open

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

Big Bird… Kyle Mooney

Joe Rogan… Pete Davidson

Ernie… Mikey Day

Bert… Alex Moffat

Oscar…Chris Redd

Dracula… Aristotle Athari

Britney Spears… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Newsmax kids. At one it’s White Power Ranger. But first, it’s Ted Cruz Street.

[Cut to Ted Cruz standing in front of a door.]

Ted Cruz: Hello. Hello, I’m Texas senator and the last one invited to Thanksgiving, Ted Cruz. You know, for Ernie0 years I stood by Sesame Street, taught our children dangerous ideas like numbers and kindness. But when Big Bird told children to get vaccinated against deadly disease, I said, “Enough!”. And I created my own Sesame Street called Cruz Street. It’s a gated community where kids are safe from the World Government. Tell them kids.

[There are three kids who are singing]

Kids: Cruzy days
sweeping the libs away
and he hopes you’ll say

that his beard looks sweet

Ted Cruz: Grab an eagle and a gun

Kids: Bring that gun to cruz street

[Marjorie Taylor Greene walks in with a rifle]

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Did someone say bring gun?

Ted Cruz: Oh. Marjorie Taylor Greene. What are you doing here?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: I’m just taking a break from releasing the phone numbers of Republicans who voted for the infrastructure bill so they and their families get death threats. And I thought I’d stop by. Here kid, you want to hold the AR-Ted CruzErnie?

Andrew: I don’t think I should.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Pussy.

Ted Cruz: And I hear you have a word from our sponsor.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: That’s right. Today’s episode is brought to you by Q. Not the letter, the man. He will tell us when JFK Jr. who is alive will reveal himself and help President Trump reclaim his rightful throne.

Ted Cruz: Everything about that sounds right. Thanks, Marjorie.

Marjorie Taylor Greene:  I represent America.

Ted Cruz: Now, as you know, I was mocked for attacking Big Bird on Twitter, simply because I’m a human senator and he is an eight foot tall fictional bird. But let’s see what happened to Big Bird after he got the vaccine.

[Big Bird walks in. It’s a guy wearing yellow bird costume]

Big Bird: Oh, man. I don’t feel too good.

Ted Cruz: Wow. So this is what happened to you a week after you got the vaccine?

Big Bird: It sure is. My feathers fell out. My nuts got huge. And my joints don’t work. It’s real bad man.

Ted Cruz: Well, don’t worry. I read online that you can take a bath in Borax, and that will cleanse you have any nanotechnology?

Andrew: You’re sure, Senator Cruz? That sounds kind of dumb.

Ted Cruz: No. You’re dumb. Borax is cool.

Big Bird: Maybe the vaccine gave me COVID.

Ted Cruz: Yes, yes, that sounds correct. Let’s ask our resident medical expert, Joe Rogan.

[Joe Rogan walks in eating chips]

Joe Rogan: Yes, that’s right. I used to host Fear Factor and now doctors fear me.

Big Bird: Can you help me, Joe?

Joe Rogan: Oh, sure thing Big Bird. You see, I took Carlos Mencia down. I can take COVID. Here some zinc, and ayahuasca and some horse medicine.

Big Bird: But why would a bird take horse medicine?

Joe Rogan: I’m a human and I took horse medicine. And I’m speaking of things that are a horse like. Today’s two sponsors are the letters S and D as in I can S my own D.

Bowen: Oh my god. Isn’t this for kids?

Andrew: No one under 65 watches.

Melissa: I’m almost 30.

Ted Cruz: Thanks, Joe Rogan. But S and D aren’t the only letters we’re talking about today. There’s also three terrible letters C, R and T. Critical Race Theory. And I think it stands for Caucasian Rights Trampled. That’s why the proud boys have been invading school board meetings to keep CRT out of our classrooms. Please welcome to have the proud boys, Bert and Ernie.

[Ernie and Bert walk in]

Ernie: Hi. Hi, Ted.

Bert: And yeah, we are out and proud.

Ted Cruz: That’s right. They are out there every day proudly fighting the progressive agenda.

Ernie: Our relationship has progressed a bit.

Bert: We got engaged. [showing their rings] Ha-ha-ha.

Ted Cruz: Engaged in a battle against the tyranny of wokers.

Ernie: Hey, Bert, let’s go take a bath.

[Ernie and Bert leave]

Ted Cruz: Their girlfriends are very lucky. Now another danger facing our country is the Democrats new social safety net bill.

[Oscar comes out of trash can. He’s wearing Grinch costume.]

Oscar: Did somebody say free money?

Ted Cruz: Uh-oh, it’s been Nemesis Oscar the slouch. He’s been trained by the Democrats to suck up the the government.

Oscar: That’s right. Papa Joe Biden gave me so many STEMIs, I decided to quit working and live in this trash can. Now you all work hard and Biden gives me your money.

Ted Cruz: Wow. And you have no shame about that?

Oscar: Um-um. I’m proud of it. I’m a ward of the state. I use your tax money on drugs and pornography.

Ted Cruz: At least he admitted it. All Democrats are him. Let’s take a quick break. And when we return we’ll find out how Trump definitely won the election with the recount count.

[ A guys walks in Dracula custume.]

Dracula: I’m moving to Arizona.

Ted Cruz: And don’t miss our Word of the day, Freedom, with Miss Britney Spears.

[Britney Spears walks in dancing]

Britney Spears: Oh my god, you guys. We did it.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Weekend Update Ted Cruz Goes to Cancun

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This last Sunday was the first and hopefully only Valentines day of the pandemic. With more on this is relationship expert, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Yeah. Thank you, Colin.

Colin Jost: Great to see you, Pete. So, how was Valentine’s day?

Pete Davidson: Well, I’m sure not as good as your’s. Yeah, you’re the man. In some ways, I like the pandemic valentines because it’s the first time being alone wasn’t my fault. I spent the night eating chocolates and watching a movie with my mom. Which is why, I’m officially moving out of the house. I am. Yeah. One of us has to go. So, we were watching that Britney Spears documentary. But I had it turned it off when I realized my mom has way more of a case to take over my finances than Brithey’s dad ever did. I was like, “Wait, she could do that and she hasn’t? Doesn’t she love me?” All Britney did was shave her head. I got a life sized tattoo of the tutsy pop owl.

Colin Jost: Oh yeah, I heard you were moving some of your tattoos.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I saw a picture of myself without a shirt and I look like a toddler went to prison. Like, I look like I’m carrying a shiv, but only to poke open a capri sun.

Colin Jost: Alright. And so, you’re definitely moving out?

Pete Davidson: Yes, I have to. I have to. The thing is my mom is a lot like this show. Like, no matter what I do, I’m never asked to leave. Right? Also, they’re both really old and noticeably fatigued.

Colin Jost: I gotta ask, where are you going to move to?

Pete Davidson: Oh, I’m staying in Staten Island. I can’t afford Kennebunkport or Blabagansett or Pepperidge Farm, wherever you live now.

Colin Jost: That’s not where I live, Pete.

Pete Davidson: Well, wherever you live, I’m sure it has more boats than people.

Colin Jost: Come on, man. I grew up in Staten Island just like you.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, well your grammar and lack of police record say otherwise.

Colin Jost: Alright. So, you’re not gonna move anywhere expensive?

Pete Davidson: Yeah, that’s the problem. You see? Me and my mom bought that house together. So, for me to afford somewhere new, I’m gonna have to either like, fight Jake Paul or like, steal another one of Laurn’s paintings.

Colin Jost: Oh yeah, I remember when you stole the Rothko. But you’re kidding about the fighting, right?

Pete Davidson: Well, I mean, I could never fight Jake Paul because after it was over there would be no way of telling if either one of us got brain damage.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

Pete Davidson: Watch Kenan on Tuesdays!

Dad Prank Video

Ted… Mikey Day

Boss… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a kid making a YouTube video.]

Brandon: What’s up, YouTube. It’s your boy, Brandon. So, I have a corny ass dad.

[He shoots his dad with an airgun.]

Ted: Ouch! Brandon?

Brandon: So, I’ve been pranking him during quarantine, and here are my favorite ones.

[Brandon is putting draw pins on the toilet seat.]

Oh, this is gonna hurt so bad. Put thumb tacks oh his toilet seat.

[Cut to Ted getting in the toilet. He takes the seat. He jumps off and drops his phone.]

Ted: Ah! My phone. Of course, it cracked. Of course, it cracked. [He kneels down to get the pins out of his butt.] Okay. [grunting] More. More. Why so many? Why so many? I’m bleeding. I’m bleeding. And there’s like, four in the toilet. Wonderful.

Brandon: Changed dad’s every contact’s name in his phone to Gigi Hadid.

Gigi Hadid. Gigi Hadid. Gigi Hadid. Gigi Hadid. [phone ringing] Dad, it’s Gigi Hadid.

Ted:  [yelling] You’re laughing and it’s my work. I don’t know who to call because I don’t know their numbers. They all say Gigi Hadid.

Brandon: Why do you hate Gigi Hadid?

Ted: Brandon, I don’t hate Gigi Hadid. I wish her the best.

Brandon: Why do you hate women?

Ted: I don’t hate women.

[Brandon is laughing]

Brandon: Bruh. these jump scares tho.

[He puts a scary doll in the cupboard. When his dad opens the cupboard, he gets scared and bumps his head.]

[Cut to Ted coming to wake Brandon up.]

Ted: Brandon, wake up. Remote school time. Just because– [When dad takes the blanket off, his son is wearing a scary mask, so he gets scared and jumps away. He falls hard.]

[Brandon is laughing]

Brandon: Changed his Zoom background before a meeting with his boss.

[Cut to Ted and his boss on Zoom. Ted’s background is a girl in her bikini at the beach.]

Boss: Um, Ted. You mind telling me why your zoom background is a picture of my teenage daughter in a bathing suit?

Ted: I have no idea, Pat.

Boss: Shut up.

Ted: Brandon! I don’t want that there. [pointing at the background]

Boss: Get your finger off of her. Don’t you touch her. You don’t touch her.

Brandon: Thanks for watching. Peace.

The Hunch Bunch

Josh… Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Fenster … Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Ted… Beck Bennett

Becca Ashley… Margot Robbie

[Starts with the Hunch Bunch intro]

Announcer: You’re watching Nick@Nite, now back to a classic episode of the Hunch Bunch.

[The characters get into a room. It looks like a haunted house.]

Josh: Okay, the coast is clear.

Aidy: Ew, cobwebs. I hate spiders.

Fenster: You’re worried about the cobwebs? Did you forget about the monster?

Cecily: Stop chitchatting and look for clues, you two.

Ted: Just once, I’d like to solve a mystery in a place that isn’t spooky.

Josh: We can do it Hunch Bunch. We just have to use our heads.

Becca Ashley: Can I just say? This is so much fun. I have been bugging Ted for doing mystery for weeks.

Cecily: No problem, Becca Ashley. We’re gonna need all the help we can get.

Fenster: Well, like, no clue’s here. We can go now. Who’s hungry?

[Fenster walks away]

Aidy: You’re such a fraidy cat, Fenster.

[Everyone laughs]

Becca Ashley: Yeah, you lame ass pussy.

Ted: Babe, don’t say that!

Becca Ashley: What? I was just joining in teasing.

Ted: Yeah, but like, you don’t know these guys that well yet. You know, just pump the brakes.

Josh: Well, lookie here. If there’s a real monster hunting this castle, [Josh finds a monster mask] then what’s this?

Becca Ashley: Oh! The monster’s face.

Josh: Well, sort of Becca Ashley. It’s a mask. Which means…

Becca Ashley: The monster made a mask of his own face.

Josh: Good guess but I have a hunch there is no monster.

Cecily: So that means the monster…

Everybody: Is ground’s keeper Cogin.

Becca Ashley: [not following] Mask of his own face!

Ted: Babe!

Aidy: It all adds up. Grounds keeper Cogin just wants the castle all to himself.

Ted: And what better way to scare off visitors then dressing up as a spooky monster.

Fenster: But wait. If grounds keeper Cogin’s the monster, like, how did he get from here to the dining room so fast?

Josh: There must be some sort–

Becca Ashley: [interrupting] He had a bike.

Aidy: Ted, can you…

Ted: Yeah. Babe, let’s just listen for a while, okay? You know, it’s actually super interesting how it all gets solved.

Josh: I know how grounds keeper Cogin got across the house so fast. He had some sort of…

[Josh pulls a book off the shelf and it opens a secret path.]

… shortcut.

Becca Ashley: What? Josh broke the bookshelf. What an idiot!

Josh: Ha-ha. I didn’t break the bookshelf. That’s a secret passage way.

Becca Ashley: Why?

Josh: What do you mean why? Because that’s what it is. It’s simply a secret passage way. Look, Becca Ashley, I want to include you because I like Ted and you’re very positive, but please, stop challenging everything say.

Becca Ashley: Yeah, but you broke it.

Josh: Okay.

[footsteps sound]

Fenster: Shh, like I hear someone coming.

Becca Ashley: Ew, who would have sex in this filthy old castle?

Josh: What? Ew, no. No!

Fenster: Like, everyone, hide!

[everyone hides]

[Grounds Keeper Cogin walks in]

Cogin: Now, where did I leave my mask?

[Becca Ashley stand and shoots at Grounds Keeper Cogin three times at his back.]

Josh: No!

Ted: Babe, what the hell is wrong with you?

Cecily: You brought a gun?

Aidy: You shot grounds keeper Cogin.

Becca Ashley: No, because he’s the monster.

Josh: I don’t even think he technically broke any laws.

Fenster: We have to help him. He’s still alive.

Becca Ashley: No way! I’m not going back to jail.

[Becca Ashley cocks the gun]

Everybody: No.

[Cut to video bumper]

Announcer: The Hunch Bunch [gun shot sound] will be right back.

Song Writing

Jason… Pete Davidson

Vanessa Bayer

Ross… Larry David

Ted… Taran Killam

Willow… Kate McKinnon

Nate… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with a music class]

Jason: Okay guys, welcome to intro to song writing. I’m Jason. Are you guys excited?

Vanessa: [singing] Yes we are!

Jason: Yes! I love that excitement. You guys rock.

Ross: That’s a cool haircut man.

Jason: Thanks. Okay, so today’s class is about lyrics and what do most song lyrics have in common?

Ted: Um, they rhyme

Jason: Yes, Ted. So, I wanna start with very funny, basic and silly, fun exercise to show how visualizing the world of a song could help us rhyme. So, [Jason pulls out an instrument] I’m gonna start up.

Ross: Cool drums.

Jason: Thanks Ross.

Ross: Yeah, don’t mention it.

Jason: I appreciate it. So, we’re gonna sing a song as a class about a forest. And I want you all to visualize a forest. Okay? Willow, I’m gonna start with you. I’m gonna give you a lyric and then you’ll have to finish it, okay?

Willow: Please don’t.

Jason: Hey, no pressure. This is very easy, alright?

[singing] I see an animal walking near
great big antlers, it’s a–

Willow: Deer!

Jason: Alright! You see? Easy stuff. Ross, your turn bud. You ready?

[singing] In the creek, I see a frog
watch as he leaps over the–

Ross: Frog house.

Jason: No. Not frog house. I love the creativity. But try and find the rhyme. Alright? You ready? Okay.

[singing] In the creek, I see a frog
watch as he eaps over the–

Ross: Dull frog building.

Jason: Ross, you’re over complicating it, bud. Where is the frog?

Ross: His house.

Jason: Okay, but where is his house?

Ross: Frog end.

Jason: Alright, the word was log. We’re all looking for the world log. It’s all good though. Um, Ross, we’re gonna do a new one, okay? Alright.

[singing] buzz, buzz, wake up in the trees
oh-oh, it’s a swarm of

Ross: Frogs and tiny helicopters.

Jason: Ross, bud. What’s with you and the frogs?

Ross: I’m visualizing the world of frog.

Jason: Alright, we’re moving on now. Now, there’s no frog.

Ross: Oh my god, what happened to them? Are the frogs okay?

Jason: Just no more frogs. Cool? Okay, listen. You’re ready?

[singing] buzz, buzz, up in the trees
oh-oh, it’s a swarm of

Ross: The rise of the toads.

Jason: Ross. I said no frogs.

Ross: I know. The toads invaded and killed the frogs.

Jason: The word was bees. Good try Ross. Alright. Brand new song about– how about a fun day at the beach?

Ross: But the toads closed all the beaches coz they’re at war.

Vanessa: You’re legitimately talented.

Jason: Nate, your turn. No toads.

[singing] Going to the beach, gonna have fun
spending the day under the–

[Cut to Nate and Vanessa]

Nate: Okay. See, I know it’s sun. But yo! I wanna say shadow of the toad’s warships.

[Cut to Ted and Willow]

Ted: Yeah. And I’m super curious. Who are the toad’s enemies since the frogs are gone?

[Cut to Ross and Jason]

Ross: The Iguanas, man! The Iguanas want to crush the toads. Iguana… wanna… oh damn! I got some! Give me that guitar. Give me that guitar. I’m gonna write my own.

[Cut to everybody]

[singing] And the frogs are under the trees

[The End]

Barry’s Bootcamp

Ted… Mikey Day

Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

Amber… Bowen Yang

Patron… Jennifer Lopez

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Cora… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with few people stretching to work out]

Ted: So, this is Barry’s Bootcamp? Huh?

Ego: Yes. I come here all the time. It’s intense. But it’s fun.

Ted: Well, it’s an interesting first date.

Ego: Date? My mom is marrying your dad.

[Cut to Chloe]

Chloe: Okay. What’s good, Barry’s Bootcamp? Welcome to trainer audition. Today you will help decide who gets hired and who has to make the smoothies. Let’s go!

[Cut to the people working out]

Ted: We’re excited.

Ego: No, Ted. Be small.

[Cut to Amber working out]

Amber: Hey, hey, Barry’s Bootcamp, Ellis Island. My name is Amber. And I’m here because I’m not quick. OJ Simpson got caught because he gave up. Dumbass. All he had to do was keep driving. Like, I drive myself everyday to do better, be stronger and turn my penis into a bicep. Let’s go.

[Cut to the people working out]

Ted: Penis into a bicep? What is he talking about?

Ego: It’s boot camp. They’re trying to pump us up. Do the exercise.

[Cut to Patron working out]

Patron: My name is Patron and I am here to get your hatch snatched. When I was born, I couldn’t walk, couldn’t talk. My parents had to carry me everywhere. Pathetic. But I overcame all those obstacles and look at me today. Shredded, talking. You have to ask yourself, are you a ford? Or are you a Ferrari? I choose both. Vroom! Vroom! Let’s go.

[Cut to the people working out]

Ted: Where do you get those thingies?

Ego: You mean the weights? They’re next to you.

[Cut to Cecily working out]

Cecily: Pop on! Boot camp! I’m here to help you push yourselves. Just like I pushed my boyfriend to get a vasectomy. Now he only wears condom to be funny. Jealous? Come on. I want your blood, sweat, tears and little tooth.

[Cut to the people working out]

Ted: You know what? She was looking at me when she said tooth.

Ego: That’s because you are tooting, Ted? It’s thick, and there are no windows.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: I think my sheer talent is enough to overcome them. Two years ago I was diagnosed as dyslexic. Let’s go!

[Cut to the people working out. Patrol walks in.]

Patron: It’s all about accountability, people. I’m going to hover by someone [Cut to Patrol staring at Ego] who’s being lazy as hell.

Ego: Me?

Patron: How do you think you get this way? I haven’t had a car since I was a baby.

[Cut to Beck working out]

Beck: Hello! I am beef! Let’s push through the pain. Have you ever been cheated on? It sucks. Just ask my girlfriend. I can’t stop. I won’t stop. Now, grab those kettle bells. Let’s go!

[Cut to the people working out]

Patron: Hop, oh god! Hop, oh god! Fupa in the air! and hop, oh god!

[Cut to Cora working]

Cora: Me now! My whole life, I want to be creative. Only one problem, I’m too stupid. But then I discovered Barry’s Bootcamp and I got toned and fit. And finally booked a role. That rule? Wife. My name? Cora. Let go.

[Amber walks in and Cora leaves]

Amber: Ding dong. Anybody home? Hey, I don’t let anything stop me. Just like my man Oscar Pistorius. No legs, no problem. He still murdered his girlfriend and a friend. Look, I’m all about results. Search results. I googled my dad every day. Where is he? Let’s go.

[Patrol walks in. Chloe leaves]

Patron: Let’s take it to the finish line. You can make your dreams come true. Mine did. The one where all my teeth fell out. A wise woman once said, “You want a hot body? You want a Bugatti? You want a Maserati? You’d better work, bitch!” That woman? Mother Teresa. Let’s go.

[Chloe, Amber, Beck, Cecily and Cora join in.]

Chloe: We did it! Congratulations!

Amber: Wow, we’re all getting hired?

Chloe: No. We’re done. She’s getting hired and you’re Mr. Smoothie.

Amber: Yeah, that makes sense.

Corporate Nightmare Song

Ted… Beck Bennett

Nate… Mikey Day

Tina… Kristen Stewart

Casper… Pete Davidson

Dylan… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a video clip of a commercial building]

[Cut to inside the office]

[Phone ringing]

Ted: Hey, Dylan? Take the lip ring out. [Cut to Dylan. He has a gothic outlook with a lip ring and ear ring on.] It’s against company policy.

[Rock music playing. Music video starts.]

Nate: This one’s going out to all the corporate drones out there.

Tina: Working for the man, making other people rich.

Casper: Wait, the almighty dollar.

Dylan: You know who you are. Listen up.

[Rapping]

Mom and dad said go get a job

Tina: Go work real hard go punch your clock

Nate: Climb the corporate ladder straight to the top

Casper: Be a dude someday you’ll be the boss

Dylan: But white collar life don’t work it seems

Tina: ‘Cause I ain’t no corporate worker bee

Nate: Everybody in the house who feel like me

Everybody: Get up on your feet and scream
Take this job and shove it up your —
I will never be part of this machine
corporate society
you can’t hold me back
with a paycheck
this job can kiss my ass.

[Cut to the corporate office]

Ted: Hey, Tina, great work on that compete analysis.

Tina: Oh, thank you.

Ted: You should think about the management training program. We could use someone like you on the 12th floor.

Tina: Wow. I will. Thank you sir.

[Cut to the music video]

Dylan: Boss man sit around on his ass all day

Tina: Doing real good work for the company

Nate: He don’t know what’s up

Tina: But he actually does though,
so let’s not be unfair to Ted, Yo!

Dylan: But the hours–

Tina: Are good!

Nate: And the pay–

Tina: Is generous!

Casper: Corporate culture straight up venomous

Tina: But our benefits–

[Phone beep]

Oh, sorry. One second. I just got to make sure I RSVP for this meeting. Yep, I knew it and—

[Cut to music video]

Nate: ‘Cause the people at this place–

Tina: Are my best friends!

Casper: And when it comes to the boss–

Tina: He’s my best friend!

Everybody: Take this job and shove it up your–

[Cut to the office]

Ted:  Tina, Nate, Casper, you got a sec?

Casper: Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

Nate: Uh-huh. Sure thing, Ted.

[Cut to Dylan watching his colleagues go to the boss]

[Cut to music video]

Dylan: I will never go down the corporate road
Capitalistic nightmare
blah- blah- blah- blah, something blah- blah- blah
nothing, but a – nothing but a – Blah, blah, blah—

[Dylan watches his colleagues hugging the boss] What the hell was that about?

[Cut to Nate, Tina and Casper]

Tina: Ted asked us to if we would pitch on the digital campaign.

Nate: Yeah, it’s pretty cool, actually.

Casper: Yeah, it’s really nice that Ted is looking at ideas internally.

[Cut to music video]

Dylan: You corporate drones in your suits and ties
the boss says, “Jump!” You say, “How high?”

[Cut to Tina]

Tina: Ted wants you to work on it too.

[Cut to Dylan getting happy]

[Cut to music video]

Dylan: Let’s dive right in put our heads together

Nate: Blue sky the whole thing make a good ideas better

Tina: Let’s order food

Casper: Stay here all night!

Nate: If we’re pitching to Ted

Dylan: It’s gotta be tight
if we do this right who knows where we could go

Tina: Dana is retiring

Everybody: And she’ll need to be replaced, yo!

Nate: One of us could get her job management position

Casper: Down the road we could be running this division

Dylan: Crush this presentation

Nate: No choking

Tina: Gotta foot in the door

Everybody: Now let’s kick it open

[Cut to the office]

Tina: Work hard, good things will come.

Nate: That’s just how it is, people.

Ted: Dylan, lip ring!

Dylan: Sorry Mr. Abby!

[Dylan rips the ring off his lips. He is bleeding]

[Cut to Ted]

Ted: Call me Ted.